Am I being unreasonable to expect husband to cancel his holiday?

[Bruce123]

Hi
I have had a melanoma in situ removed from my leg and need further surgery to ensure the margins are big enough and a skin graft to cover the hole. Date of surgery clashes with husbands’ walking trip away with his mate. He postponed once due to Covid and had to rearrange from Wales to Cotswolds because of lockdown restrictions. I can’t postpone surgery because surgeon is coming off his holidays to clear his backlog. I am not supposed to walk and keep the leg elevated for the first few days after surgery. Am reliant on 15 year old (anorexic) daughter who is stropping/ refusing to offer get up before midday to feed cats/ make me breakfast.

Am I being unreasonable in asking my husband to consider postponing his holiday? He is saying he won’t do so. Am feeling very hurt as this whole marriage ceremony, I am sure, mentioned something about in sickness and in health...

[Ragwort]

Why can't your DD help? Is she seriously ill or just being difficult?

[MidnightFlit]

YANBU but your DD is also old enough to realise you need her to step up here.

[thenightsky]

Obviously YANBU.

How long is he away for? Just a couple of days over a weekend or a full week?

DH had to go away (work, not a pleasure jaunt) for 2 nights when I was 5 days post hip replacement surgery and my lovely best friend came to stay and do everything for me.

[a12345b]

I'd be very upset with your Dh AND your DD. At 15 she should be able to understand that she can get up and help in that situation. And your DH should not need to be told to stay home and support you. Looks to me like your not valued by both.

[WhySoSensitive]

Your daughters takes after your husband by the sounds of it. I’d book myself into a hotel that offers room service 😂

[Newwayofthinking]

How long have you been together

I would totally divorce his uncaring ass

[AngusThermopyle]

YANBU. There is no way ever! my husband would even consider not being around if I had any kind of surgery at all! Regardless of anything he may have booked prior to it coming up. I wouldn't even have to ask him, he would just be there, no questions.
If your husband was my husband he would not be my husband much longer if he acted like this.

[Sexnotgender]

I can’t actually imagine for a second my husband doing this. Because he loves me and I matter.
He literally flew cross continent with me and our baby to make sure we got home safely and then got back on a plane the next day to do the journey in reverse to conduct his own mother’s funeral.

I’m sorry he’s prioritised his holiday over your health. I hope you’re ok

[BurbageBrook]

You couldn't be being any less unreasonable. He, however, is behaving like an uncaring, unsympathetic and frankly quite cruel arsehole to even contemplate going. He should be supporting you. It's disgusting behaviour.

[PotteringAlong]

Both your DH and your DD are being ridiculous and you should be very hurt and very upset with both of them.

[hanahsaunt]

What will his friends think? Not sure that I would be impressed at being away with someone who left their spouse to get on with such surgery. It would not be the fun break they were imagining.

[Etinox]

Sorry, both your DH and DD are being unreasonable. If DD was stepping up I’d say it’s NU for DH to go away, she isn’t so he should stay happily without complaint.

[ChaChaCha2012]

Are you having a local or a general? I had this done with a local, and whilst it was uncomfortable the pain was managed with a good sleep and paracetamol. Went back to work the next day (sedentary job).

[Chloemol]

YANBU. To be honest I would expect your daughter to help, is she aware of how painful and difficult it’s going to be? But as to your husband you are going to have a GA and everything that entails, and to go away is just not on

I would be telling him to go on his walking holiday, then when he comes back he can find all his stuff outside the door and he cam go stay with his friends

Can a friend or family help you?

[Mydogmylife]

Not unreasonable at all! DH cancelled a motorbike holiday with his mates at one day's notice when I smashed up my ankle, an annual event that all the bikers go to and have a right male bonding jolly and he never hesitated. He's not the best nurse in the world either but in never even occurred to him not to stay with me.
You daughter needs a good kick up the backside as well

[quelquechose]

This is just how my now exDH used to behave. Even worse, he would then carry on as he would feel guilty about not stepping up and would blame his guilty feelings on me.

I think he is very unkind to not prioritise you over his holiday.

[CrunchyNutNC]

YANBU

I think the hotel with room service suggested by a PP is the way to go!

[mbosnz]

Wow. Would your DH think you were unreasonable if you were unprepared to cancel a spa-break with your girlfriend, when he was having life saving surgery and would need care post-surgery? Would he be hurt that you didn't want to be there, both for you and your daughter?

What if there are complications? He's okay with being away off, quite possibly uncontactable? Who's going to look after your daughter, who seems like she really does need someone riding shotgun to make sure the wheels don't come off her wagon?

[Feedingthebirds1]

Am now questioning our whole relationship dynamic.

I was doing that when I'd only read your OP!

What's he like more generally? I'm guessing that he can't be this much of a twat over this, but absolutely lovely for every other minute of your relationship?

[Mydogmylife]

@ChaChaCha2012

Are you having a local or a general? I had this done with a local, and whilst it was uncomfortable the pain was managed with a good sleep and paracetamol. Went back to work the next day (sedentary job).

You had a skin graft under a local and were at work the next day ?? Gosh I'm impressed with your stamina .

[FatCatThinCat]

YANBU your husband should want to be there for you. There's no way my husband would have gone away when I had surgery. He was worried sick and was with me the entire time.

[LividLaughLovely]

What is he normally like? Does he have form for being a douche or is this uncharacteristic?

[ZoeTurtle]

What a twat. How could a decent man (or woman) enjoy themselves on holiday, knowing their partner was at home in pain?

[MzHz]

I’d leave both dh and dd to sort themselves out actually

Could you go and stay with a friend? Or a hotel?

[HooverWhenTheCoastIsClear]

Yanbu.

Those asking why dd can't help, well she has anorexia..that's pretty serious I itself and it's not her job to be a husband replacement.
Your DH is selfish. Unsupportive.