Am I being unreasonable to expect husband to cancel his holiday?

[Bruce123]

Hi
I have had a melanoma in situ removed from my leg and need further surgery to ensure the margins are big enough and a skin graft to cover the hole. Date of surgery clashes with husbands’ walking trip away with his mate. He postponed once due to Covid and had to rearrange from Wales to Cotswolds because of lockdown restrictions. I can’t postpone surgery because surgeon is coming off his holidays to clear his backlog. I am not supposed to walk and keep the leg elevated for the first few days after surgery. Am reliant on 15 year old (anorexic) daughter who is stropping/ refusing to offer get up before midday to feed cats/ make me breakfast.

Am I being unreasonable in asking my husband to consider postponing his holiday? He is saying he won’t do so. Am feeling very hurt as this whole marriage ceremony, I am sure, mentioned something about in sickness and in health...

What on earth is his thinking? Does he know what the recuperation post surgery involves?

@ChaChaCha2012

Are you having a local or a general? I had this done with a local, and whilst it was uncomfortable the pain was managed with a good sleep and paracetamol. Went back to work the next day (sedentary job).

@ChaChaCha2012 Did you have a surgery requiring a general anaesthetic and a skin graft? Where you have two surgical sites? Or just a minor mole/melanoma removal?

@Bruce123
You shouldn't have to choose between no support and a sulking resentful husband. You deserve a healthy relationship and a loving partner. Sadly it seems your husband doesn't think the same.

I have two teens with autism and they would understand in this case that they needed to help out. If it was explained to them first the reason why, ofc they wouldn't like having to help if there was someone that should be helping in the first place, that wouldn't seem fair to them.

Certainly within the rules and an option but I'd be extremely annoyed if my husband buggered off thinking this was the solution

so you asked him and he refused? I don't know if it's worth ending the relationship over but I don't think I could forget that and it would breed resentment in me
This!^

If I was your DHs friend and I found out that he’d come away on a walking holiday and left you to fend for yourself with your DD, well; I’m not sure I’d want to be friends with someone like that.

Sorry to be blunt but does your DH actually love you?

I'm sorry, but he's an arsehole

I’ve had this op - under GA - and I wasn’t allowed home from hospital on public transport and was meant to have an adult with me for the first 24hrs in case of problems. YADNBU.

It is rubbish that neither DD nor DH will step up and look after you (although it is definitely DH’s responsibility) Such a stressful time quite apart from the unpleasant surgery. Will you be having a SLNB too?

Hope it all goes well

This reminds me of the thread where the OP was sick with Covid and her useless husband pretended he’d also been diagnosed to avoid having to care for her.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4047290-i-ve-got-c19-why-is-my-dh-now-pretending-to-be-ill

It’s astounding how some men have no concept of how to be an efficient and appropriate caregiver when a woman is ill.

You are not being at all unreasonable. I would be questioning just how much he thought of me in your situation. DP has surgery on Monday to remove a tumour and I would move heaven and earth to have him well again, he's going to be a sick man for a while afterwards and there is no way on this earth I will be going anywhere while he needs help.

I’d actually be telling him that if he left he wouldn’t be coming back.

Your husband is being a dick and needs to either cancel or rearrange, if my husband went away after i asked him not to and needed him at home to help he'd be on his way to being the ex husband

Funny you mention aspergers.., younger daughter with anorexia being assessed for it. And yes, I think husband probably does have it also.
Daughter with anorexia managing it ok at the moment. Definitely not as bad as she was last summer when she was hospitalised. Now normal weight but still no periods.
My surgery is daycase only but not sure if it’s under a general? I suspect not, as no need to fast before operation.

I fell down the stairs one night and badly hurt my back, I was crying and in so much pain.

My husband refused to ring an ambulance as he didn't like talking to people. I had to ring them myself.

I didn't leave then, but I never forgot and I never felt the same about him ever again.

We finally separated 2 yrs ago.

He's being unreasonable (unless you have form for making him cancel things. If that's the case then I can see why he's reluctant this time) but of course he should cancel to help you (and to help you support your daughter during her difficult time, too).

In which case you may be ok with a nice hotel that does room service! Cheaper than a convalescent home. Take a couple of good books and settle in with the TV remote. Order food when you’re hungry. Have breakfast delivered to your room.

Honestly if they are both being this selfish, find another solution that doesn’t involve them. Sounds like you could do with some ‘me time’ away from them both!

Good god.

I’d put the cats in a cattery and his belongings in his car the day before the surgery and wave him off never to return.

Pick the cats up when you’re allowed to walk again. Don’t bother your arse with your husband seeing as can’t bother his arse about you.

No form, no, for requesting he cancels anything. This is first time ever I’ve asked him to cancel anything.

@Mmn654123

In which case you may be ok with a nice hotel that does room service! Cheaper than a convalescent home. Take a couple of good books and settle in with the TV remote. Order food when you’re hungry. Have breakfast delivered to your room.

Honestly if they are both being this selfish, find another solution that doesn’t involve them. Sounds like you could do with some ‘me time’ away from them both!

Love this idea

you shouldnt have to ask he should automatically

The fact he doesnt says a lot about him

I would be questioning everything

Make him cancel and look after you (ignore his shitty behaviour) then leave him.
Honestly this isn't what marriage should be

If he wants to play at that game, the option to go to a hotel with room service does sound good. You can take your dd to a chattery and send your 15 yo to stay with friends perhaps - or her dads house maybe?

Oops cattery.

As they say on MN, 'He is showing you who he is. Believe him.'