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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family Christmas conundrum

488 replies

UnaCorda · 24/10/2020 15:08

For context, my brother is married (happily, as far as I can tell) and has five children. I am single, childless and live on my own.

My parents live a long way away from me and from my brother, and there is not enough room for us all to stay there at the same time. Consequently we usually spend Christmas with them on alternate years and I tend to go away when it is not "my year".

I have recently discovered from my mother that my brother is arguing that, regardless of the fact I have very little opportunity to socialise with anyone at all at the moment (I'm in a Tier 2 area), he and his family should nevertheless spend christmas with my parents if this is allowed. Basically he is lobbying for me to spend Christmas on my own, despite having his own family to spend it with.

AIBU to feel both hurt and angry about this, regardless of the fact that it is officially their "turn"? We've never had a great relationship, although we get on okay most of the time as adults, and this just makes me want to have nothing to do with him. I think it's very selfish and pretty cruel. I also think it's unfair for my parents to be stuck in the middle.

For clarity, this isn't about whether or not it is likely to be possible to visit relatives at Christmas, it's about my brother's meanness - or whether I'm being unreasonable to think he should sacrifice (or defer) his turn to be with my parents, given the current circumstances.

OP posts:
CakeRequired · 24/10/2020 15:12

It's his turn, but he should have enough humanity in him to realise this year was harder on you really. You've had little contact with other people, he's had his large family the whole time. He doesn't though, so I'd take that as a sign that he doesn't give a shit about you. Least it's 7 less presents you have to bother getting.

BrimfulOfBaba · 24/10/2020 15:12

YANBU, that is very inconsiderate of your brother. Could you text him and politely say how much it would mean to you to be with your parents if allowed this year, given that you have been on your own? Maybe he needs lip/service or to understand.

saveforthat · 24/10/2020 15:13

Surely there is room for one extra even if you sleep on the sofa or stay in an hotel?

mmgirish · 24/10/2020 15:14

Wow. He's being so unfair. Have you been in contact with him?

Original poster
UnaCorda · 24/10/2020 15:14

@CakeRequired

It's his turn, but he should have enough humanity in him to realise this year was harder on you really. You've had little contact with other people, he's had his large family the whole time. He doesn't though, so I'd take that as a sign that he doesn't give a shit about you. Least it's 7 less presents you have to bother getting.
Well that's the other thing - I feel wholly disinclined to spend time and money on Christmas shopping for him and his family (although I do appreciate it would be unfair to take out my feelings on my nieces and nephews).
OP posts:
stackemhigh · 24/10/2020 15:14

Wouldn’t brother be breaking the rules if he stayed with your parents, as it’s 6 + 2?

I can’t believe you had to spend alternate Christmases with your parents, couldn’t you stay locally on brother’s ‘turn’ and go over for Christmas Day? Your family doesn’t sound very nice Sad

stackemhigh · 24/10/2020 15:15

Or even 7 + 2.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 24/10/2020 15:16

Is he committed to see the inlaws every second christmas too?

Then he would be another couple of years not spending christmas with his parents. The kids might be looking forward to it too. And this is a christmas you would usually be spending doing something alone anyway.

It is a bit selfish, but I can see your point as well as his.

Have they really not got room to accommodate 1 more person, even if its a bit of a squeeze, seems odd to manage 7 extra people, but can't make room for just one more.

Original poster
UnaCorda · 24/10/2020 15:16

@BrimfulOfBaba

YANBU, that is very inconsiderate of your brother. Could you text him and politely say how much it would mean to you to be with your parents if allowed this year, given that you have been on your own? Maybe he needs lip/service or to understand.
I think my mum has already explained that, to no avail. I'm trying to avoid this turning into a big falling out...
OP posts:
PersonaNonGarter · 24/10/2020 15:18

Sorry, I think YABU here. If the DGC are excited about the trip and it has been promised to them all year then I can see why they are sticking to their turn.

I think it would help if you stopped seeing this your brother ‘lobbying for you to be on your own’ and just recognising that he is taking his turn with his family.

Cadent · 24/10/2020 15:19

I would stop the presents for him and his children.

Nottherealslimshady · 24/10/2020 15:19

He's being very selfish, he really should have thought about you being alone and even just suggested you her a local hotel and join them all.
I'm gonna guess that spending Christmas with your parents is more about getting a break and not having to do anything at Christmas for him.
Could you find a nice hotel in England that does a good Christmas dinner, somewhere that has nice views and walks?

lanthanum · 24/10/2020 15:20

I take it your mother has already brought up with him the suggestion that you swap this year?

A swap sounds eminently sensible. Apart from anything else, he and his family would violate the rule of six, and you won't, so there's a fair chance that you will be allowed to visit where he won't.

If you haven't talked to him yourself about it, maybe you could pretend you don't know about the discussions between him and your parents and present it as a favour to him: "Hey brother, I realise that if we keep to the normal pattern and then the rule of 6 applies at Christmas, you'll end up missing out on staying with the parents until 2022. How about we do a swap between this year and next year?"

Failing that, I think perhaps your parents need to bite the bullet and say "sorry, we can't leave unacorda on her own, so she's coming this year and you'll be welcome next year". I'm sure they'd rather he saw that for himself, but if he can't, it's their house.

Original poster
UnaCorda · 24/10/2020 15:22

Is he committed to see the inlaws every second christmas too?

Yes, and I realise this is a factor, although they live much closer so easier to see separately over the Christmas period.

Then he would be another couple of years not spending christmas with his parents. The kids might be looking forward to it too. And this is a christmas you would usually be spending doing something alone anyway.

It is, but I wouldn't usually have had a couple of months of solitude leading up to it - and I'd usually go away and be doing something distracting.

Have they really not got room to accommodate 1 more person, even if its a bit of a squeeze, seems odd to manage 7 extra people, but can't make room for just one more.

No, the children share a room and there are no extra bedrooms.

OP posts:
Original poster
UnaCorda · 24/10/2020 15:23

@mmgirish

Wow. He's being so unfair. Have you been in contact with him?
Not since before I found out about this.
OP posts:
KiposWonderbeasts · 24/10/2020 15:24

Your Mum can invole Rule of 6 of she feels she needs official support, but quite frankly she shouldn't have to.

YANBU; he's an absolute swine to consider leaving you alone for Christmas when he's got his family around him.

PersonaNonGarter · 24/10/2020 15:24

@Cadent

I would stop the presents for him and his children.
Don’t do this ^ Confused

It is your brother and his children’s turn. Don’t be spiteful even if you are upset.

I think you are looking at this very much from your own POV. DB and DC have needs too. Stop seeing this as a campaign against you. Far too self-absorbed. It is their turn.

NoSquirrels · 24/10/2020 15:26

It is unfair of him. Invite your parents to yours for Christmas instead!

Cadent · 24/10/2020 15:26

I wouldn’t want to give presents to anyone this selfish. OP getting presents for 7 people when she is just one person is very unfair anyway.

nowishtofly · 24/10/2020 15:27

Couldn't you stay nearby this year in an Airbnb or hotel? The whole thing might get cancelled as there is no guarantee the rules will allow two families to mix whereas you being a single person are more likely to be permitted to mix with your parents.

NoSquirrels · 24/10/2020 15:28

DB and DC have needs too.

Yes, but this year is unlike any other. He could swap years and that would still be ‘fair’.

Plus if they’re a family of 7, they should be planning on staying at home anyway, as it’s currently against the rules.

Original poster
UnaCorda · 24/10/2020 15:32

Stop seeing this as a campaign against you. Far too self-absorbed.

It's quite hard not to become a little self-absorbed when you spend long periods of time by yourself...

OP posts:
DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 24/10/2020 15:32

Exactly, this year has been unlike any other, they may have been getting the kids excited about spending xmas there and doesn't want to let them down.

This year has been horrible in different ways for everyone, he is thinking of himself, op is thinking of herself. Nobody is wrong, but someone is going to have to back off for the parents sake.

LG101 · 24/10/2020 15:33

God he sounds like a jack ass! I would have said you spend time with the parents it’s more important. Horrible and your mum will feel stuck in the middle and not wanting to upset anyone.

I actually dislike the human race at times

theculture · 24/10/2020 15:34

I suspect his DC are missing their grandparents and are unsettled the changes caused by Covid and he is trying to keep things as normal as he can for them

I think air B and B for either you or him and family (more space!) sounds fair enough