Family Christmas conundrum

[UnaCorda]

For context, my brother is married (happily, as far as I can tell) and has five children. I am single, childless and live on my own.

My parents live a long way away from me and from my brother, and there is not enough room for us all to stay there at the same time. Consequently we usually spend Christmas with them on alternate years and I tend to go away when it is not "my year".

I have recently discovered from my mother that my brother is arguing that, regardless of the fact I have very little opportunity to socialise with anyone at all at the moment (I'm in a Tier 2 area), he and his family should nevertheless spend christmas with my parents if this is allowed. Basically he is lobbying for me to spend Christmas on my own, despite having his own family to spend it with.

AIBU to feel both hurt and angry about this, regardless of the fact that it is officially their "turn"? We've never had a great relationship, although we get on okay most of the time as adults, and this just makes me want to have nothing to do with him. I think it's very selfish and pretty cruel. I also think it's unfair for my parents to be stuck in the middle.

For clarity, this isn't about whether or not it is likely to be possible to visit relatives at Christmas, it's about my brother's meanness - or whether I'm being unreasonable to think he should sacrifice (or defer) his turn to be with my parents, given the current circumstances.

@Halliehallie9828

I think YABU. It’s not his fault that you don’t have a partner or kids and he does. His kids are probably looking forward to seeing their grandparents and they already have a routine of every other with his ILs.

Do you really have no friends you could spend it with?

Perhaps it's too early, but no-one has offered and I don't want to put anyone in an awkward position whether either they feel they have to reluctantly invite me, or they have to say no.

*Yes, there is a backstory. I'm childless and infertile and find it very upsetting to be around lots of small children excitedly opening their presents from mummy and daddy, and my sister-in-law going full Mother Earth as she tends to do. Therefore I generally - voluntarily, and without causing any family arguments - take myself off somewhere every other Christmas.

I do still see my brother and his family fairly regularly, but I just find Christmas very "triggering". It would be different if I could pop over for the day, but it's too far to do that.*

Okay, this puts a slightly different complexion on it. You’re reducing the options available which increases the chances of your being alone.

Do your parents know how you feel, and why? If they do I would expect them to take charge and sort out a solution for you, quietly and considerately. If not, they can’t be expected to know and help unless you talk to them.

I’m childless and infertile too, so I have every sympathy, and to begin with it was really hard being around other people’s children, but over the years I’ve come to terms with it and enjoy being the best auntie and most fun cousin. It sounds as though you’ve been carrying on this arrangement for some years, so I’m surprised it hasn’t got even a bit easier for you. It’s not easy, but working to get to where you can enjoy your family would surely be worthwhile? It might be work looking into some counselling next year to try to heal the raw place in you so you can better enjoy your experiences with your family.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable OP. Yes, it’s his ‘turn’ and that’s the normal routine but this year has turned routines and normality upside down. I think he’s being incredibly selfish to insist on invoking his turn this year and leaving you alone when you can’t even arrange your usual trip away.

As for the children, I’m sure they’ll be just fine having Christmas Day in their own home then surely your brother could see your parents another day over the Christmas period. I’d tell the children they were incredibly lucky to get 2 Christmas’s this year!

[quote Bestoption]@UnaCorda

Christmas Dinner for one. Look forward to it. You can have whatever you want, whenever you want it!

Total control over the remote
The alcohol
The chocolate
The music

Buy yourself some presents

Do your best to enjoy the day, your way!

What's stopping you spending the weekend before with them? You could even do a cheats Christmas dinner, crackers & presents etc if you wanted to.[/quote]
If she lives on her own, you're describing her everyday life, not a treat.

@Sunnydaysstillhere

What stood out to me is this has not come directly from db.. Can you ring him and ask him what are his plans for Xmas? Could your dm have had a motive (ie making sure it isn't her home alone) for telling you a string of lies...

No, there is no chance she would have done that, and it is absolutely par for the course that my brother would put himself first.

I think you need to check in with your brother and ask him what is going on. You say I have recently discovered from my mother that my brother but I wonder if she has form for portraying the 'truth' in a different way. I don't wish to hurt you but perhaps your mother wants your brother so she sees her GCs.

I'm in shock that your parents are OK with you being on your own every second Christmas. At least your brother has his family and in laws when it's not his turn. Would it really be too chaotic to fit one more person, blow up bed in the sitting room, pull out couch, even a sleeping bag on the couch would do, there's also local B&Bs, hotels, air bnb for everyone. I could never enjoy Christmas knowing one of my kids was sat alone all day.

Sorry but YABU.

It’s your brothers turn, he wants his children to see their grandparents at Christmas which is a lovely thing. You chose to not spend time with your brother and nieces and nephews at Christmas so you can’t demand they are uninvited to suit you. Either go and enjoy the day as a family stay on the couch (or hotel if you don’t want to be there for the Christmas morning chaos) or make other plans.

YANBU. I have 3 siblings, and we have already decided that regardless of rules at the time, my youngest brother (who is unmarried and lives alone) will spend Christmas with my parents.

Him being alone for Christmas wasn't even a option for us. My other brother, his wife and children won't consider exposing our elderly parents to risk (kids in school, playing football etc).

@ChillerKillerCroissant

Your family seem to have gone to some considerable trouble to arrange the day around your preference with the year-about system, OP, and while I can see that this year has been hard for you I do think you are being a bit unreasonable to expect your parents to change it again.

You could stay somewhere nearby and pop over after the present opening. Don't push your parents to choose though, because it never ends well.

The alternate years arrangement is not because of my preference, it's because of my brother's in-laws.

(Not that being childless and struggling with my infertility is exactly a "preference"...)

No, I'm not going to push them to choose.

Perhaps it's too early, but no-one has offered and I don't want to put anyone in an awkward position whether either they feel they have to reluctantly invite me, or they have to say no.

But perhaps they might appreciate the offer coming from you. You could put it out like, "friends I'm home alone this Christmas Day and happy to be so but if anyone is alone and wants company they are welcome to join my bubble"

Re your update on infertility, yes I'm in the same position too and some situations are really hard to cope with, I can understand you wanting to avoid the present opening.

I honestly think the best way forward is to embrace the day for yourself, get yourself as many treats as possible. Maybe us solo christmasers can have a chat running here on the day

And who knows, maybe some restrictions will be lifted by then and you could travel as you've done in previous years? That's my hope anyway. Canary Islands are back on the safe travel list - Christmas in the sun could be nice?

@thegreylady

What about inviting your parents to spend Christmas with you?

She's in a tier 2 area.

The alternate years arrangement is not because of my preference, it's because of my brother's in-laws.

If you choose to only go on the years your brother doesn’t then it is a preference.

It’s a completely understandable preference, but it is one.

It’s horribly hard and understandable that you wouldn’t enjoy Christmas with the children around, but unless your brother is actively saying that you are not allowed to be there when he is then he’s not being unreasonable

@BlueJava

I think you need to check in with your brother and ask him what is going on. You say I have recently discovered from my mother that my brother but I wonder if she has form for portraying the 'truth' in a different way. I don't wish to hurt you but perhaps your mother wants your brother so she sees her GCs.

As I said above, no, she doesn't have form for this at all. She's not perfect and it took her quite some time to work out how to handle an infertile daughter and a succession of new grandchildren, but she doesn't lie and twist things for her own convenience.

The first thing you need to do is form a support bubble. Just ask your closet friend.

Then you can spend time with someone irrespective of Christmas.

Then tackle Christmas separately. Think about staying in a hotel so that you can have the family meal and also have some separate space

What do you normally do on your years off? Christmas dinner for one or do you go to a friend?

I think this is relevant. Have your normal plans been cancelled?

Yes, there is a backstory. I'm childless and infertile and find it very upsetting to be around lots of small children excitedly opening their presents from mummy and daddy, and my sister-in-law going full Mother Earth as she tends to do. Therefore I generally - voluntarily, and without causing any family arguments - take myself off somewhere every other Christmas.

I initially thought your db was being completely selfish. However, your update changes that. It sounds like you will only go if they don't go, which is unfair on them.

If your brother is insisting that they go but you don't, then yes, he's is being a selfish dick. However, if he's happy for you to be there too, then it's not fair to ask him to stay away on his year.

Obviously you won't enjoy christmas if they are there so it would make sense for you to make alternative arrangements. Maybe, as previous posters have suggested, go the previous week or week after. Or stay nearby and just go for part of the day if you could cope with that.

[quote HarrietOh]@Love51 Living alone is different to having to spend most of your time alone because of an unexpected pandemic, including Christmas Day, ffs.[/quote]
Quite.

@zigaziga

What do you normally do on your years off? Christmas dinner for one or do you go to a friend?

I think this is relevant. Have your normal plans been cancelled?

I normally go away, so yes, my normal plans have been cancelled.

I’m astonished that anyone finds the OP unreasonable and not the brother. Children or not, by insisting on spending the day with his parents, the brother is forcing his sister to spend the day alone, after months of isolation. Who does this?

He’s a dick and YANBU

Basically he is lobbying for me to spend Christmas on my own, despite having his own family to spend it with.

From what you wrote it sounds that rather than 'lobbying' he's going with what he sees as the status quo. If his in-laws aren't too far away he may see this as a chance to get away from them for a break. Depending on the age of the children I'm surprised they aren't pushing for Christmas at home with the kids.

Here in Scotland you can’t visit other homes or have people visit you. So we can only have MIL as she is in our support bubble.

If your brother is insisting that they go but you don't, then yes, he's is being a selfish dick. However, if he's happy for you to be there too, then it's not fair to ask him to stay away on his year.

I get what you're saying, but it's not very practical. Even staying in a hotel is not really a solution as I would feel like a spare part; the extraneous maiden aunt (yes, I realise that's my issue), it would be expensive, and someone would have to shuttle me back and forth (there are no hotels near where my parents live).

It’s a very difficult situation, and it’s especially shit for you, but I can see that you both are only considering your own needs.
There’s no right answer but on balance I do think that your brother should do the decent thing and let you take this year.

So this isn’t so much the case of wanting to see your parents, or not wanting to be alone, but wanting to see your parents without your brother and his family being invited too?? Because I think that puts a different spin on things.