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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family Christmas conundrum

488 replies

UnaCorda · 24/10/2020 15:08

For context, my brother is married (happily, as far as I can tell) and has five children. I am single, childless and live on my own.

My parents live a long way away from me and from my brother, and there is not enough room for us all to stay there at the same time. Consequently we usually spend Christmas with them on alternate years and I tend to go away when it is not "my year".

I have recently discovered from my mother that my brother is arguing that, regardless of the fact I have very little opportunity to socialise with anyone at all at the moment (I'm in a Tier 2 area), he and his family should nevertheless spend christmas with my parents if this is allowed. Basically he is lobbying for me to spend Christmas on my own, despite having his own family to spend it with.

AIBU to feel both hurt and angry about this, regardless of the fact that it is officially their "turn"? We've never had a great relationship, although we get on okay most of the time as adults, and this just makes me want to have nothing to do with him. I think it's very selfish and pretty cruel. I also think it's unfair for my parents to be stuck in the middle.

For clarity, this isn't about whether or not it is likely to be possible to visit relatives at Christmas, it's about my brother's meanness - or whether I'm being unreasonable to think he should sacrifice (or defer) his turn to be with my parents, given the current circumstances.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 24/10/2020 15:52

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

But that’s bad parenting because all indications are that Christmas family gatherings are not on the cards.

It's bad parenting to focus on christmas? Have you called anyone on MN planning to break the possible rules on xmas day a bad parent yet?

I think it’s bad parenting not to temper expectations.

You may not.

I’m not in favour of promising stuff to my DC that I’m not sure I can fulfil.

Original poster
UnaCorda · 24/10/2020 15:52

His Christmas will be full of love and socialising and family regardless.

That's my point really.

OP posts:
Aridane · 24/10/2020 15:52

What do your parents want?

Bestoption · 24/10/2020 15:52

@UnaCorda

Christmas Dinner for one. Look forward to it. You can have whatever you want, whenever you want it!

Total control over the remote
The alcohol
The chocolate
The music

Buy yourself some presents

Do your best to enjoy the day, your way!

What's stopping you spending the weekend before with them? You could even do a cheats Christmas dinner, crackers & presents etc if you wanted to.

Teirsforfears · 24/10/2020 15:53

@UnaCorda

I think it’s about more than space, you and your brother don’t want to spend it with each other do you? You’ve been given many solutions but the only one you want it you see your parents and your brother doesn’t.

emilybrontescorsett · 24/10/2020 15:53

I was thinking the same as therealslimshady.
Plus definitely don't buy your brother and his clan presents.

Lockheart · 24/10/2020 15:53

[quote Aridane]@Lockheart - OP comes fromTier 2 and the ban on mixing of households will apply[/quote]
Given that OP wants to spend Christmas with her parents and her brother is intending to bring more than 6 people to the parents house, I don't think whatever tier anyone is in will be much deterrent.

saraclara · 24/10/2020 15:54

I couldn’t imagine my parents being complicit in arrangements which would leave one of their children alone on Christmas Day,

Exactly. I have two adult daughters and I can't imagine doing that.

When our kids, and SILs kids were all younger, there were 11 of us at PILs over Christmas, in a 3 bed house. People were bedded down on floors all over the place, and the kids loved it.

Halliehallie9828 · 24/10/2020 15:54

I think YABU. It’s not his fault that you don’t have a partner or kids and he does. His kids are probably looking forward to seeing their grandparents and they already have a routine of every other with his ILs.

Do you really have no friends you could spend it with?

ImMoana · 24/10/2020 15:55

YABU because it’s his turn.
YANBU to be feeling down about that fact given how hard you have found this year.

In your shoes I’d be asking my parents if I could stay the week before or the week after to try and stave off the isolation.

freezedriedromance · 24/10/2020 15:55

I'm a bit confused as to why you say you've spent so much time on your own. You're in tier 1, surely you can see friends/family indoors, outdoors and in pubs/restaurants as long as you stick to the rule of 6. The fact you live alone makes no difference, presumably that isn't down to covid..? I would have thought the only thing that's maybe changed for you is you can't have 6 or more people in your own house.
Its your brothers year at your parents, if they're all going to break the rule of 6 that is. You say you normally go away for Christmas. Why can't you do that now? Airbnb, hotels, accommodation etc is still open anywhere other than tier 3/Wales and potentially parts of Scotland as of 02/11.
What would you usually do on these alternate years and why can't you do that this year as normal?

HarrietOh · 24/10/2020 15:56

@Love51 Living alone is different to having to spend most of your time alone because of an unexpected pandemic, including Christmas Day, ffs.

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 24/10/2020 15:57

Op - you are ignoring that your brother can't go to your parents with all his dcs unless they break the rule of 6 anyway. Or if your family is prepared to break the rule, then why can't you go too and stay at a B&B nearby?

Or they go for christmas eve and Christmas day, and you go for boxing day and stay a few days?

Could you invite your parents to you and completely throw things?

mercutio12 · 24/10/2020 15:57

Are there no hotels nearby?

TrickyD · 24/10/2020 15:57

Regardless of where you end up staying, don't buy seven presents. One board game should cover the lot.

Disfordarkchocolate · 24/10/2020 15:57

If I was you I would have assumed plans would go ahead as normal. Unless you Mam had said they didn't want to break the rule of 6 so she would be spending the day with you?

lyralalala · 24/10/2020 15:58

Why does it not work sleeping on the sofa for one year?

This is extraordinary times. It won't be the best option in the world, but it's better than being pitted against each other surely?

Even if you only go for 2 nights.

Or alternatively is their a Premier Inn or Travelodge nearby? They are often (other than some in the likes of central london) cheap on Christmas eve and Christmas night.

ilovesooty · 24/10/2020 15:58

Your brother's visit would break the law and your parents shouldn't be colluding with that anyway. If you plan to bubble with your parents you could travel but if that's not the case you shouldn't visit either.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 24/10/2020 15:59

I think it’s bad parenting not to temper expectations.

You may not.

I’m not in favour of promising stuff to my DC that I’m not sure I can fulfil.

He may have spoken to his parents and they have all decided to spend christmas together whatever the rules at that point. We simply don't know. Calling him a bad parent for wanting to spend christmas with his parents is ridiculous. He is just a parent trying, like most of us, to do the best by his kids.

Original poster
UnaCorda · 24/10/2020 15:59

@IndecentFeminist

I would suggest that he isn't thinking about this as feet as you just yet. He's just assuming normal tradition will be followed, your mum has reported this to you and you are seeing this as being lobbied against. If you haven't spoken to him, I wouldn't be assuming he was a selfish arse whose pushing hard for this without a thought for you. Unless he has a history of being a dick?
I don't understand your first sentence, but my mum has reported that my brother is arguing that it's his turn and his children haven't seen their grandparents for a long time. Which is true.

And yes, he does have a history of being a bit of a selfish dick.

OP posts:
Oniumty · 24/10/2020 15:59

Why are you ignoring the questions asking why you’ve never spent a Xmas with your parents and your db? What is the reason why you can’t stay somewhere local or even just stay on the couch? I feel there must be a backstory because adding one extra person really isn’t a massive task

Cadent · 24/10/2020 15:59

@lyralalala maybe the sofa would be taken up by a dc?

Original poster
UnaCorda · 24/10/2020 16:00

@ilovesooty

Your brother's visit would break the law and your parents shouldn't be colluding with that anyway. If you plan to bubble with your parents you could travel but if that's not the case you shouldn't visit either.
A visit - regardless of by whom - will only happen if the rules change.
OP posts:
RandomMess · 24/10/2020 16:00

Well I think your brother is being a selfish dickhead!!

Even in Tier 1 they can't go due to rule of 6 so they know now they need to make alternate plans regardless!

Does your brother have history of being utterly selfish?? After all they could go for New Year and have a 2nd Christmas....

Christmas for 1 in your own house SadSadSadSadSadSad

Lockheart · 24/10/2020 16:02

Why are you ignoring the suggestions of everyone spending Christmas together?

This is all very strange. If you want to play the victim to your family then do by all means but frankly I think you're cutting your nose off to spite your face when there are several solutions. Again, assuming you're happy as a family to go against guidelines.