Family Christmas conundrum

[UnaCorda]

For context, my brother is married (happily, as far as I can tell) and has five children. I am single, childless and live on my own.

My parents live a long way away from me and from my brother, and there is not enough room for us all to stay there at the same time. Consequently we usually spend Christmas with them on alternate years and I tend to go away when it is not "my year".

I have recently discovered from my mother that my brother is arguing that, regardless of the fact I have very little opportunity to socialise with anyone at all at the moment (I'm in a Tier 2 area), he and his family should nevertheless spend christmas with my parents if this is allowed. Basically he is lobbying for me to spend Christmas on my own, despite having his own family to spend it with.

AIBU to feel both hurt and angry about this, regardless of the fact that it is officially their "turn"? We've never had a great relationship, although we get on okay most of the time as adults, and this just makes me want to have nothing to do with him. I think it's very selfish and pretty cruel. I also think it's unfair for my parents to be stuck in the middle.

For clarity, this isn't about whether or not it is likely to be possible to visit relatives at Christmas, it's about my brother's meanness - or whether I'm being unreasonable to think he should sacrifice (or defer) his turn to be with my parents, given the current circumstances.

@DeRigueurMortis

Ok so based on the posts I think situation is this:

• the OP has a brother and sister

• the sister has one child, lives close to her parents and visits every year for Christmas

• the OP has a good relationship with her sister in general but that's also helped by the fact her sister as only one older child and isn't "mother earth"

• her brother has 4 children and lives (like her) far from the parents, so like her cannot just visit for the day

• she doesn't get on as well with her brother in general but that's also exacerbated by her SIL being "Mother Earth" and general lack of sensitivity around her fertility.

• her parents can host her sister for the day plus either the OP or the brother and family. Not both - there's not enough room.

• to date the arrangement has worked because the OP and brother alternative Christmas and when it's not her turn the OP goes away for Christmas- something she can't do this year.

• this year it's her brothers turn to visit his parents and the OP thinks he should give way because otherwise she'll be alone.

I think that's it.....

The hard truth here is that the OP doesn't have to be alone.

It's become clear that she could stay with her sister over Christmas and the whole family could be together (subject to Covid laws).

The fact is she wants her "normal" Christmas without their brother and his family because she finds it difficult to be around them.

OP I'm very sympathetic to you finding it hard to be around your brother and his family. I can see why it's triggering.

That said, I think YABU in this case in the sense you are refusing (under difficult circumstances) to make any compromises.

In your first post it seemed you were being forced to spend Christmas alone. But that's not the case really is it?

You want a specific type of Christmas at other people's expense and think you deserve it.

Your brothers children shouldn't miss out in seeing your Parents this Christmas should they?

I'm honestly really sorry you are in the position of dealing with infertility.

I'm not however convinced that means your wants top trump everyone else's in the sense you won't compromise.

You can stay with your sister. Put up with your brother and family for one day. Make arrangements to spend the week before/after Christmas with your parents alone etc etc

There are options available here that don't mean Christmas dinner for one.

I started reading this thinking your brother was an arse - but tbh I'm not so sure as more information has come to light.

Christmas is about family and you seem to want to dictate how that's managed for 11 other people.

I'd honestly urge to think about what compromises you might be happy to make here to the benefit of everyone.

I wish this post could be pinned to the top of this thread to summarise all the OP's drip feeds

If you get your way and your family goes along with your rules (covid allowing) that your dB and his family are uninvited from a family Christmas to keep you happy, are they to be completely ignored ? No phone calls between them and GPS, to be mentioned at present opening?

I was about to post that your brother is an arse, I couldn’t even believe that you had to go on holiday every other Christmas because your family wouldn’t let you stay.

However after seeing the summary of the drop feeds I have to change to YABU.

*drip

Like many others I voted YANBU and was pretty speechless about your brother’s apparent selfishness until I read your updates. I hope my post comes across kindly because I certainly mean it that way. One of my closest friends and her DH are unable to have children and every single year they spend Christmas with the wider family and their nieces and nephews because this is “expected of them”. I gather that to begin with it was extremely difficult but over the years it’s got easier and they now really enjoy spending the day with them - it’s taken a lot of time though.

Anyway. Given that you also have a sister and there may be the option to stay with her, it sounds like this is your choice. Assuming that your family isn’t observing the Covid rules, your brother and family will be with your parents. Do you want to be there too, assuming you could stay with your sister? Or would you rather be by yourself, either at home or going away somewhere? From your updates it sounds like no-one is really preventing you from seeing your parents.

Honestly? I would expect my parents not to be "stuck in the middle", do the right thing and tell my brother what is happening. It is their house their decision.

I would tell my brother it is up to him and if he and his partner between them cannot see the bigger picture or show an ounce of sympathy for your situation I would leave that to their own consciences. I would probably go LC with him and his family after that.

covid but NO ONE is telling op she cannot come to Christmas with family, it is op who wants the family to exclude her brother and his children. Her sister and her child she is happy with being there, just not the brother as she dislikes his wife's apparent 'earth mother' behaviour.

@CovidNightmare

Honestly? I would expect my parents not to be "stuck in the middle", do the right thing and tell my brother what is happening. It is their house their decision.

I would tell my brother it is up to him and if he and his partner between them cannot see the bigger picture or show an ounce of sympathy for your situation I would leave that to their own consciences. I would probably go LC with him and his family after that.

@CovidNightmare have you read the thread?

OP has put the parents in the middle not just by her refusal to join the whole family for Christmas, but by her demand that they uninvite brother and family.

Imagine DB's OP if he was here:

"my sister and I take turns to visit our parents at Christmas, as she's uncomfortable spending time with us. This year is our turn, and our children are excited to see their grandparents.
My DSis is now demanding that she has the parental Christmas and we stay home (a long way from our parents, so we can't just pop in, and we haven't seen them for a long time) because she lives alone and covid restrictions are difficult for her.
There is absolutely no reason why she can't join us, apart from her not wanting to be in our company. Now my mum is feeling really bad, torn between wanting to see her grandkids and worrying about my DSis. Why should we be guilted into.giving up our family Christmas, when she could just join us, and stay with our other sister? The kids will be devastated"

God saraclara you and lyrylala are like a dog with a bone with this. Let it go, OP has long gone.

Well you probably can't change your brother's personality at this point so I think you have to put his decision about Christmas into the "it is what it is' box - deep breath, little gallic shrug, get your brain to shove it over into the 'doesn't help to dwell on it' pile. (gets easier with practice)

What you need is a solution or combination of solutions that will make you feel better across the Christmas period.

Option 1 is the government solves it for you with Covid rules and either no one can visit or your brother definitely can't with his gang of five.

Option 2 - you go and stay with your parents for the week or two weeks before Christmas, or your sister for a week and then your parents for a week. You'll get some family time and it will make Christmas Day easier to face in your PJs with a stack of movies to watch, Chinese takeaway and a bottle of Cava.

Option 3 - you go to your parents earlier in December / end of November for a week to break the current loneliness. Get your parents to come to you for a few days between Christmas and New Year.

Or some combination of that time of thing.

I think making some concrete plans to see your parents and your sister in December will make 'Christmas' seem less bleak.

@saraclara, yes thanks, I read all the ops posts and gave my opinion to the op.

I inigtially posted that YANBU and your brother is unkind.

Your subsequent posts paint a very different picture.

This

Why do t you invite your parents to you or your brothers?