Family Christmas conundrum

[UnaCorda]

For context, my brother is married (happily, as far as I can tell) and has five children. I am single, childless and live on my own.

My parents live a long way away from me and from my brother, and there is not enough room for us all to stay there at the same time. Consequently we usually spend Christmas with them on alternate years and I tend to go away when it is not "my year".

I have recently discovered from my mother that my brother is arguing that, regardless of the fact I have very little opportunity to socialise with anyone at all at the moment (I'm in a Tier 2 area), he and his family should nevertheless spend christmas with my parents if this is allowed. Basically he is lobbying for me to spend Christmas on my own, despite having his own family to spend it with.

AIBU to feel both hurt and angry about this, regardless of the fact that it is officially their "turn"? We've never had a great relationship, although we get on okay most of the time as adults, and this just makes me want to have nothing to do with him. I think it's very selfish and pretty cruel. I also think it's unfair for my parents to be stuck in the middle.

For clarity, this isn't about whether or not it is likely to be possible to visit relatives at Christmas, it's about my brother's meanness - or whether I'm being unreasonable to think he should sacrifice (or defer) his turn to be with my parents, given the current circumstances.

If it were my daughter I would have you to stay for Christmas every year, along with DB and family when he wants to stay. You don't leave someone on their own at Christmas.

Obviously rule of six may apply this year.

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

I think it’s bad parenting not to temper expectations.

You may not.

I’m not in favour of promising stuff to my DC that I’m not sure I can fulfil.

He may have spoken to his parents and they have all decided to spend christmas together whatever the rules at that point. We simply don't know. Calling him a bad parent for wanting to spend christmas with his parents is ridiculous. He is just a parent trying, like most of us, to do the best by his kids.

You’ve made up this whole back story for him that’s based in nothing much.

You were the one who said he might have been promising the kids.

I merely said that if he had been promising the kids I’d consider that bad parenting.

The OP actually said her mum has tried to put across her POV about being alone, so it certainly doesn’t sound as if they’ve decided to spend Christmas together regardless of the rules.

I’m sure he is trying to get the best outcome for him and his family. That doesn’t mean it’s particularly praiseworthy behaviour if he’s not considering other people’s feelings too.

Being a parent doesn’t mean a trump card.

I think YABU, sorry. You've said that you don't get on and I doubt either side is blameless, you can't expect him to put his estranged sister's feelings above his children's when it is actually their turn. It's not his fault that you don't have anywhere else to go.

I think the fact that you don't have a good relationship with your brother is clouding this. If the two of you had a great relationship would you see it differently?
The two of you take it in turns and it's his turn. Yes it would be generous of him to offer to step back so you can go, but maybe the kids are really looking forward to seeing their grandparents.
Although travel might be restricted you could still go somewhere nice for a few days, or otherwise stock up on lovely food and treat yourself at home. Think of Christmas less as the one day and more of a festival. Arrange something nice with your parents after your brother has gone home, either you going to them or them coming to you.
I fully acknowledge how difficult it's been as a single person household, I am in the same position, but I'm wilfully opting to spend christmas day by myself this year so that my parents can spend it with my siblings children (their only grandchildren), then my parents will come to me on the 27th instead, it'll be just as nice for me.

@Oniumty

Why are you ignoring the questions asking why you’ve never spent a Xmas with your parents and your db? What is the reason why you can’t stay somewhere local or even just stay on the couch? I feel there must be a backstory because adding one extra person really isn’t a massive task

I'm not ignoring them, I've been responding to other posts.

Yes, there is a backstory. I'm childless and infertile and find it very upsetting to be around lots of small children excitedly opening their presents from mummy and daddy, and my sister-in-law going full Mother Earth as she tends to do. Therefore I generally - voluntarily, and without causing any family arguments - take myself off somewhere every other Christmas.

I do still see my brother and his family fairly regularly, but I just find Christmas very "triggering". It would be different if I could pop over for the day, but it's too far to do that.

When i was in my single days i would have just stayed on a sofa/blow up in parents room if i meant 30 something me could spend xmas with parents and my Sister/her wife and child. (luckily they have many rooms)

I get logistically its hard to cook for 2 large families as "mum" gets older. But we now plan that us youngsters cook and buy prepared stuff and its fine.

So the issue does seem to be that the rule is that brother and sister can't be there at same time. Which is the odd thing.

Hmm, I can totally understand why the OP is feeling upset and fed up but all the brother is doing is sticking to the routine which seems to have worked for a while. Ideally he would invite you to join in but I guess you can’t make him.

OP, I would see you parents just before or after Christmas and then on the day make sure you have a lovely day for yourself. I’ve had Christmas Day by myself before and it was good. I planned food, entertainment and a dog walk so I did everything which suited me. Other years I have helped at a homeless shelter over the festive period. It was so worthwhile and very good fun. They could be options for you.

I think this year, Christmas will have a lot of expectations put on it but who knows how it will pan out for anyone.

Your brother has his own large family, you've stated that you're single with no dc. I think it would be nice of him to let you go to your parent's this year even though you take it in turns and it's his turn

He can still have Christmas Day with his own little family and then you aren't on your own, you can see your DP's

Of course he may not think like that. If he goes and you don't I think this will effect your relationship with him for many years. My own brother and mother are no longer on speaking terms, families do fall out over things like this. Have you told your brother that taking Covid, isolating and WFH etc in to account you've spent a lot of time alone this year and would ask him to let you see DP's Christmas Day? Could he go the day before or after?

What stood out to me is this has not come directly from db..
Can you ring him and ask him what are his plans for Xmas? Could your dm have had a motive (ie making sure it isn't her home alone) for telling you a string of lies...

why don't you go up for new year?

@mercutio12 or you could just believe a woman when says her brother is a selfish dick 🤷‍♀️

[quote Cadent]@lyralalala maybe the sofa would be taken up by a dc?[/quote]
@Cadent the op said the children share a bedroom.

She also said that the sofa would be “too chaotic for everyone” which suggests it is an option. Just not an ideal one

@rc22

If you're in England and things remain as they are now, your brother and his family going to your parents would mean nine people gathering. This is against the rules anyway even in a tier 1 area.

This.

Taking 5 children from (presumably) 5 different school bubbles to stay with your parents is a really bad idea in terms of potential covid exposure. Even if you are following the rule of 6, you're supposed to still be distancing, not using the same hand towels etc. None of that sounds possible with 9 people at their house.

Invite your parents to your house instead?

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult I think I’m just a bit sensitive recently to people claiming that self-centred behaviour that’s “for the children’s sake” means it’s a valid reason. As you were, I’m stepping away from this thread now, sorry you hit a nerve.

Number of Six revokes his invitation, surely?
I am tier 3 so basically on my own this Xmas.
Doubt that either rule will have changed in eight weeks time.

I now see the response, and yes that is a tough one. i always wanted to be with the big family, but can see why it would not be wanted in your case.

but nor your brothers fault and he is not saying you can't be there i assume?

In your shoes I’d be asking my parents if I could stay the week before or the week after to try and stave off the isolation.

Yes, that might work.

Aw. Your latest update makes sense. The whole situ must be triggering every Achilles heel. Can your family split the time and you go for Boxing Day- that way everyone wins. Personally I think your mum should say she’s not leaving you alone abs therefore this year she’s sticking to the rules. She’s probably safer only being in your presence. I understand your brothers point of view but I think it’s shit to leave someone alone

You’ve made up this whole back story for him that’s based in nothing much.

Yes, the "we simply don't know" part made it clear I have made up a whole back story based on nothing 🤣

Being a parent isn't a trump card, but keeping things as consistant as possible in a shitty year is pretty important for most of us.

Don't we all try and put our kids first?

I think the fact that you don't have a good relationship with your brother is clouding this. If the two of you had a great relationship would you see it differently?

Perhaps, yes.

Don't we all try and put our kids first?

Not at the expense of a sister grieving her infertility. Jesus.

I'm a bit confused as to why you say you've spent so much time on your own. You're in tier 1, surely you can see friends/family indoors, outdoors and in pubs/restaurants as long as you stick to the rule of 6.

No, I'm in Tier 2, as I said above.

Rejoice! for 'tis that special time of the year when families show how much an a bunch of arseholes they really are.

Your family seem to have gone to some considerable trouble to arrange the day around your preference with the year-about system, OP, and while I can see that this year has been hard for you I do think you are being a bit unreasonable to expect your parents to change it again.

You could stay somewhere nearby and pop over after the present opening. Don't push your parents to choose though, because it never ends well.

What about inviting your parents to spend Christmas with you?