Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 5 6 7 ··· 19 20

Original poster

Family Christmas conundrum

488 replies

UnaCorda · 24/10/2020 15:08

For context, my brother is married (happily, as far as I can tell) and has five children. I am single, childless and live on my own.

My parents live a long way away from me and from my brother, and there is not enough room for us all to stay there at the same time. Consequently we usually spend Christmas with them on alternate years and I tend to go away when it is not "my year".

I have recently discovered from my mother that my brother is arguing that, regardless of the fact I have very little opportunity to socialise with anyone at all at the moment (I'm in a Tier 2 area), he and his family should nevertheless spend christmas with my parents if this is allowed. Basically he is lobbying for me to spend Christmas on my own, despite having his own family to spend it with.

AIBU to feel both hurt and angry about this, regardless of the fact that it is officially their "turn"? We've never had a great relationship, although we get on okay most of the time as adults, and this just makes me want to have nothing to do with him. I think it's very selfish and pretty cruel. I also think it's unfair for my parents to be stuck in the middle.

For clarity, this isn't about whether or not it is likely to be possible to visit relatives at Christmas, it's about my brother's meanness - or whether I'm being unreasonable to think he should sacrifice (or defer) his turn to be with my parents, given the current circumstances.

OP posts:

Original poster

UnaCorda · 24/10/2020 16:36

Thanks, everyone, for your thoughts. I realise it isn't 100% clear-cut. My mum also feels that my brother - and especially my sister-in-law - doesn't really understand how hard I find being in an "idyllic" family tableau such as Christmas.

OP posts:

OchonAgusOchonO · 24/10/2020 16:37

@Stinkyjellycat

I’m astonished that anyone finds the OP unreasonable and not the brother. Children or not, by insisting on spending the day with his parents, the brother is forcing his sister to spend the day alone, after months of isolation. Who does this?

He’s a dick and YANBU

But he's not forcing her to spend the day alone. She doesn't want to spend the day with their parents if he and his family are there. It sounds like it would be doable with a couch or blow up bed (although not ideal). Provided he is not objecting to her being there, then she is making the choice not to go.

Standrewsschool · 24/10/2020 16:38

@Brieminewine

Sorry but YABU.

It’s your brothers turn, he wants his children to see their grandparents at Christmas which is a lovely thing. You chose to not spend time with your brother and nieces and nephews at Christmas so you can’t demand they are uninvited to suit you. Either go and enjoy the day as a family stay on the couch (or hotel if you don’t want to be there for the Christmas morning chaos) or make other plans.

I agree with this.

ChillerKillerCroissant · 24/10/2020 16:40

You know very well OP that the preference I was referring to was not going to your parents when your brother was there.

OchonAgusOchonO · 24/10/2020 16:40

@UnaCorda

If your brother is insisting that they go but you don't, then yes, he's is being a selfish dick. However, if he's happy for you to be there too, then it's not fair to ask him to stay away on his year.

I get what you're saying, but it's not very practical. Even staying in a hotel is not really a solution as I would feel like a spare part; the extraneous maiden aunt (yes, I realise that's my issue), it would be expensive, and someone would have to shuttle me back and forth (there are no hotels near where my parents live).

There is always the option of a blow up bed or a couch. Not ideal, but doable if people are willing to rough it a bit.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 24/10/2020 16:42

@Stinkyjellycat

He’s a dick and YANBU

I was thinking the same thing. No doubt all those posters telling OP she's unreasonable and should just suck it up won't be spending Christmas on their own.

Mellonsprite · 24/10/2020 16:43

I’m saying this really tentatively but would you absolutely never consider going too, if it was a possibility, or is it just out of the question?

1FootInTheRave · 24/10/2020 16:45

I understand why you prefer the alternative years and it's a choice that suits you. Your brother goes along with this but may actually prefer Christmas spent together?

I doubt he's lobbying to intentionally exclude you. It's his year and I guess he's going with the usual plans.

Travel is still going ahead or could you book a local hotel? There are options out there. Limited yes, maybe not what you had planned, but still options.

Sodamncold · 24/10/2020 16:45

What intrigued me the most is that your mother told her daughter that her son was lobbying for her daughter to spend it alone.

Your mother sounds.... interesting.

Dishwashersaurous · 24/10/2020 16:46

Ok. I get it, it’s really really hard for you to be surrounded by children.

You need to decide what is worse, being by self ( or with other friends)

Or being surrounded by nieces and nephews.

Original poster

UnaCorda · 24/10/2020 16:47

@j712adrian

Rejoice! for 'tis that special time of the year when families show how much an a bunch of arseholes they really are.

Thanks, this made me smile!

OP posts:

Sodamncold · 24/10/2020 16:50

How many brothers do you have OP?

Dishwashersaurous · 24/10/2020 16:50

Maybe your brother is just thinking that you would come too, as you cannot go away.

Does he explicitly know that you won’t go if he is there?

Original poster

UnaCorda · 24/10/2020 16:51

Do your parents know how you feel, and why? If they do I would expect them to take charge and sort out a solution for you, quietly and considerately. If not, they can’t be expected to know and help unless you talk to them.

Yes, they do - we've talked about it at considerable length. They are much better at dealing with it these days, but it can still be tricky (and my feelings sometimes unpredictable).

I’m childless and infertile too, so I have every sympathy, and to begin with it was really hard being around other people’s children, but over the years I’ve come to terms with it and enjoy being the best auntie and most fun cousin. It sounds as though you’ve been carrying on this arrangement for some years, so I’m surprised it hasn’t got even a bit easier for you. It’s not easy, but working to get to where you can enjoy your family would surely be worthwhile? It might be work looking into some counselling next year to try to heal the raw place in you so you can better enjoy your experiences with your family.

It has got easier, and I spend more time with my brother's family than I used to, but not Christmas yet. I've had a lot of therapy!

OP posts:

Ponoka7 · 24/10/2020 16:51

After your updates, I also think that it's you who is being selfish. I can understand your Brother's pov. You are making your Parents choose between their children and one choice means rejecting their grandchildren on top.

Your Brother is standing up for his children wanting to see the grandparents. Children have had a shit year as well.

Are you going to completely reject your new boyfriend's children? Or is it just your Brother's that you struggle with? Have you had friends/partners with children? I could actually see why your Brother and SIL are hurt by this.

MudCity · 24/10/2020 16:51

He’s being a dick.

Porcupineinwaiting · 24/10/2020 16:51

Is there really no way you and your brother could share your parents between you over the Christmas period? It doesnt all have to be about the 25th does it?

Sodamncold · 24/10/2020 16:53

Is it just the one sibling OP?

Slightlybrwnbanana · 24/10/2020 16:54

Book a hotel nearby. They are often quite cheap at Xmas, and you get to escape at the end of the day. Who knows what the rules will be then.
It's is their turn, his wife's family will be put out by the changes. You are expecting a lot for all 7 of them to change plans for you, but nicer still to find a way to include you all.

Original poster

UnaCorda · 24/10/2020 16:55

@ChillerKillerCroissant

You know very well OP that the preference I was referring to was not going to your parents when your brother was there.

I meant that my brother would be going on alternate years regardless of me. Yes, it's - to some extent - my choice not to also go on those years, although it wouldn't be practical simply because of numbers of people.

OP posts:

Sodamncold · 24/10/2020 16:57

I’m baffled by the five children

In 2019 you started a thread about hiring a villa for you parents, your brother/SIL and their child (your niece, aged 8).

So genuinely curious where 4 others have popped up from!

Blondeshavemorefun · 24/10/2020 16:57

So you could go every year but choose not to do don’t see kids and excited by Christmas

You could stay on the sofa or floor /blow up bed - it’s one night or two I’d drive xmas Eve

Yes I feel for you. I was infertile and ttc for 10yrs and only by the miracle of 5 lots of ivf finally became a mum

But while friends and family for preg I didn’t avoid them

Regardless of all that. Your brother is a family of 7 so can’t legally or morally go or parents as will be 9

Tho sure whatever government decide for Xmas people won’t comply

You are single so can be in a support bubble. AmaZed you aren’t in one - why not ?

Haffdonga · 24/10/2020 16:57

That does sound really shit for everyone. I'm sorry.

But as I read your posts it sounds more and more like your issue is not that you want to spend Christmas with your parents rather than alone, but that you don't want to spend Christmas with your brother.

And that's fair enough but a bit different.

You've said a blow up bed on the floor or sleeping on the sofa isn't possible. (Why?) You've said staying in a hotel would make you feel like a spare part. (Any more than staying at home on your own?)

From your brother's point of view (presumably) it's his family's 'turn'. He would like a family Christmas with his parents too. He wants his parents to spend time with his dcs but his sister doesn't want him to come because she wants her parents to herself. That would feel unfair too.

I think the hotel option is the perfect one if you let yourself take it. It allows you to join in as much as you want with family and dinner and to escape some of the Mother Earth and screaming habdabs of Christmas hysteria if you want. If you need lifts and someone not to drink then so what? It's the least they can do and a hell of a lot less hassle than not coming at all and creating family resentment and conflict as a result.

I hope you find a way.

Original poster

UnaCorda · 24/10/2020 16:57

@Mellonsprite

I’m saying this really tentatively but would you absolutely never consider going too, if it was a possibility, or is it just out of the question?

It's not totally out of the question, no, although my brother's lack of understanding doesn't exactly make me more inclined to try out a situation I may find very difficult.

OP posts:

Original poster

UnaCorda · 24/10/2020 16:59

@Dishwashersaurous

Ok. I get it, it’s really really hard for you to be surrounded by children.

You need to decide what is worse, being by self ( or with other friends)

Or being surrounded by nieces and nephews.

Yes, that's essentially what it will come down to.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 ··· 5 6 7 ··· 19 20