Family Christmas conundrum

[UnaCorda]

For context, my brother is married (happily, as far as I can tell) and has five children. I am single, childless and live on my own.

My parents live a long way away from me and from my brother, and there is not enough room for us all to stay there at the same time. Consequently we usually spend Christmas with them on alternate years and I tend to go away when it is not "my year".

I have recently discovered from my mother that my brother is arguing that, regardless of the fact I have very little opportunity to socialise with anyone at all at the moment (I'm in a Tier 2 area), he and his family should nevertheless spend christmas with my parents if this is allowed. Basically he is lobbying for me to spend Christmas on my own, despite having his own family to spend it with.

AIBU to feel both hurt and angry about this, regardless of the fact that it is officially their "turn"? We've never had a great relationship, although we get on okay most of the time as adults, and this just makes me want to have nothing to do with him. I think it's very selfish and pretty cruel. I also think it's unfair for my parents to be stuck in the middle.

For clarity, this isn't about whether or not it is likely to be possible to visit relatives at Christmas, it's about my brother's meanness - or whether I'm being unreasonable to think he should sacrifice (or defer) his turn to be with my parents, given the current circumstances.

If you're in England and things remain as they are now, your brother and his family going to your parents would mean nine people gathering. This is against the rules anyway even in a tier 1 area.

In your brother’s position I would give you first choice over visiting parents as you’ve been on your own.

Because of the changing situation making plans uncertain, I would plan to spend Christmas at home with partner and children.

Are you in a support bubble with your parents or anyone else?

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

Exactly, this year has been unlike any other, they may have been getting the kids excited about spending xmas there and doesn't want to let them down.

This year has been horrible in different ways for everyone, he is thinking of himself, op is thinking of herself. Nobody is wrong, but someone is going to have to back off for the parents sake.

But that’s bad parenting because all indications are that Christmas family gatherings are not on the cards.

It’s really up to OP’s parents, ultimately.

If the issue is bedroom space could you stay at a nearby hotel / b&b and drive over on the day - this is of course assuming numbers allow for it, or if as a family you are planning to bypass the rules for the day (no judgement here!!) and then hotels etc are open?

This year has been horrible in different ways for everyone, he is thinking of himself, op is thinking of herself. Nobody is wrong, but someone is going to have to back off for the parents sake.

I'm not going to push it and make things more difficult for my mum, and I'll accept whatever decision my parents make, but at the same time I'm not going to pretend to be delighted at the prospect of Christmas dinner for one.

Persona It is your brother and his children’s turn. Don’t be spiteful even if you are upset.

I think you are looking at this very much from your own POV. DB and DC have needs too. Stop seeing this as a campaign against you. Far too self-absorbed. It is their turn

Yet again, a woman has to suck it up and be nice. Why?

@UnaCorda

Is he committed to see the inlaws every second christmas too?

Yes, and I realise this is a factor, although they live much closer so easier to see separately over the Christmas period.

Then he would be another couple of years not spending christmas with his parents. The kids might be looking forward to it too. And this is a christmas you would usually be spending doing something alone anyway.

It is, but I wouldn't usually have had a couple of months of solitude leading up to it - and I'd usually go away and be doing something distracting.

Have they really not got room to accommodate 1 more person, even if its a bit of a squeeze, seems odd to manage 7 extra people, but can't make room for just one more.

No, the children share a room and there are no extra bedrooms.

I'm sorry he's being such a selfish arse

I'm also sorry you've been excluded from every other Christmas previous to this. Surely your parents have a sofa or a space to put an air bed down?

When I was a child we used to have 8 adults, 4 children staying on Christmas Eve & my grandparents from silly o'clock Christmas morning (they lived around the corner & preferred their own bed!). And sometimes other people too.

It's your parents home, if your brother won't suggest swapping, THEY should have said you'll be coming for Christmas this year. & either worked it out fir everyone or told him he could come next year instead. (Or the one after if they can't swap with his inlaws)

I'm going to be spending Christmas on my own this year. My mum & brother live overseas (which is no bad thing frankly) & I normally spend it with friends, but I just don't fancy spending several days cooped up in an unventilated house with them this year. 4 of them going/working in different schools & her brother (working in a customer facing role). None of them like a window open - even in the summer! Normally I enjoy Christmas there, but with CV, I'd just be on edge the whole time, so I've bailed (she keeps saying 'let's just see' how it goes, but I've tried to make it clear I'm not going no matter what the 'rules' are).

@UnaCorda

Can you not sleep on the couch or on the floor for one xmas so no one is unhappy or alone?

But that’s bad parenting because all indications are that Christmas family gatherings are not on the cards.

It's bad parenting to focus on christmas? Have you called anyone on MN planning to break the possible rules on xmas day a bad parent yet?

So in normal times you never have a family Christmas with both your parents and db?
How strange.
Last Christmas we stayed in accommodation nearby to see our dd.
Seems to me you're all making life unnecessarily difficult.

Remember as a single person you are allowed to form a support bubble with another family, and that doesn’t count in the six.
So irrespective of Christmas you can spend time with another family

I would suggest that he isn't thinking about this as feet as you just yet. He's just assuming normal tradition will be followed, your mum has reported this to you and you are seeing this as being lobbied against. If you haven't spoken to him, I wouldn't be assuming he was a selfish arse whose pushing hard for this without a thought for you. Unless he has a history of being a dick?

I couldn’t imagine my parents being complicit in arrangements which would leave one of their children alone on Christmas Day, especially this year. I would talk to your mother and ask for her help in sorting it out. Because of course she doesn’t want you to be alone, does she? Btw, your brother is a dick.

I really feel for you op. I find some of the comments on here about "turns" and "fairness" harsh. Your situation is completely different to your brothers. His Christmas will be full of love and socialising and family regardless. It's absolutely inhuman of all of them not to recognise your need this year.

Are you in a support bubble with your parents or anyone else?

No. Parents too far away for that to make sense.

There's a possibility of forming a support bubble with someone I've recently started seeing, but it's problematic and he's probably going to be with his kids and ex at Christmas.

Or why don’t you stay at a b&b nearby then you can all be together

Lots of posters have suggested a hotel or B&B, why wouldn't you do that?

Your brother and his family can't see them anyway. 6 is the maximum and his turn will make 7.

I don't get it. You're one extra person. Covid 2020 apart, why have you not all gathered together in previous years? There must be an option of staying in a hotel or b&b, surely?'I did that last year so that the whole family could be together.

Your brother sounds very nasty. How sad.

[quote Teirsforfears]@UnaCorda

Can you not sleep on the couch or on the floor for one xmas so no one is unhappy or alone?[/quote]
No, I can't see that working - it would just be too chaotic for everyone.

If the rule of 6 isn't in operation (or you're ignoring it), I don't see why you can't all have Christmas together. Why wouldn't you book into a nearby Air BnB for a few days? If cost is a factor then cut down on Christmas presents or ask your family to help out?

Playing devils advocate, it isn't your brother's choice for you to be living alone. It isn't something that just happens at Christmas. Presumably you like living alone.
If you don't like living alone, it is down to you to do something about it. Not just a relationship, flatmate or lodger, there are jobs that come with accommodation and a built in household, you could house a vulnerable adult (pays well around here). He will be weighting up the happiness and ease for his family Vs you.
Having said that, I hated the turn taking rules that done families have and I'm pleased not to be embroiled it.

@UnaCorda YABNU. Sorry to hear your brother is being thoughtless and I can't believe they are trying to treat as a "normal" year and insist on it being their turn given its been anything but a normal year.

@Lockheart - OP comes fromTier 2 and the ban on mixing of households will apply