Family Christmas conundrum

[UnaCorda]

For context, my brother is married (happily, as far as I can tell) and has five children. I am single, childless and live on my own.

My parents live a long way away from me and from my brother, and there is not enough room for us all to stay there at the same time. Consequently we usually spend Christmas with them on alternate years and I tend to go away when it is not "my year".

I have recently discovered from my mother that my brother is arguing that, regardless of the fact I have very little opportunity to socialise with anyone at all at the moment (I'm in a Tier 2 area), he and his family should nevertheless spend christmas with my parents if this is allowed. Basically he is lobbying for me to spend Christmas on my own, despite having his own family to spend it with.

AIBU to feel both hurt and angry about this, regardless of the fact that it is officially their "turn"? We've never had a great relationship, although we get on okay most of the time as adults, and this just makes me want to have nothing to do with him. I think it's very selfish and pretty cruel. I also think it's unfair for my parents to be stuck in the middle.

For clarity, this isn't about whether or not it is likely to be possible to visit relatives at Christmas, it's about my brother's meanness - or whether I'm being unreasonable to think he should sacrifice (or defer) his turn to be with my parents, given the current circumstances.

Your brother sounds like an hairy knob, why on earth wouldn’t you be able to spend Xmas every year with your parents, if he lives close they could drive home late on the years they come...or you could sleep on the sofa or a blowup bed. If they are breaking the rules already this year what difference does 1 more person make.

let your brother know you're in more need right now

One way to let your whole family know that you are more in need right now ... would be just to suck it up, pin a smile on your face and join the happy family Christmas. Take genuine pleasure from having your whole family celebrating Christmas together.

It's really not anyone's fault that the lives of your siblings have turned out different to your own. Or wish them a happy Christmas and do your own thing elsewhere.

I too am childless, do not love the chaos of a large, exuberant family Christmas. My family have been happy for me to try different ways to celebrate with the family. It has never occurred to me to ask the siblings with DC of their own to 'go elsewhere' to give me a break.

I've tried lots of permutations, and spent many hours driving for short visits, staying god longer visits. What works for me is to visit the family shortly before Christmas and then be home in my own bed by Christmas Eve.

I have made my peace with my life with a lot of help, including https://unfuckyourbrain.comm*. I sincerely hope you find what works for you.

@lunkitsmum I think you should read the thread

I don't think there is anything wrong with any of your or your family's 'characters'. You feel the way you feel and you want what you want. But so does your brother (who welcomes you to come) and it's 'his turn'.

So the onus is on you to either grit your teeth and spend the holidays with the family at his (getting your own room somewhere to have a place to retreat to) or to spend the time on your own.

I do think that both of you need to step back from your parents and let them make whatever decision they choose to make without pressure from either of you.

I've been in a similar situation and my decision was to 'grin and bear it' even though I knew I'd shed tears once I was alone. I did shed those tears but it was also a bit of a breakthrough for me and showed me that what I feared and what I felt could be conquered and helped me deal with the pain and to move forward to healing and acceptance. I'm not suggesting it would be the same for you, but it is a thought.

Blimey - If I were the parents, I think I would go NC!

Your updates are embarrassing and tiresome, hopefully you aren't harassing your parents with these views.

I’m really sorry OP, this situation sounds hard and draining all round.

But the more I read of your replies, the more I don’t think your brother is being unreasonable.

You’ve obviously all decided as a family to break the Covid rules, but he just wants his children to be with their grandparents. If your parents are hosting there’s no reason why you couldn’t go too - you just seem to be avoiding it because of how hard you find being around children, because of the fertility issues you’ve mentioned.

I have nothing but sympathy for you, but it seems rather extreme to take this stance. In your position I’d go and stay with your parents, sleep on a blow up bed in the lounge and take yourself for a walk/off to church on Christmas morning if you need some space.

Not going at all only spites yourself, and doesn’t seem a mature stance for a grown woman to take. Sorry, OP.

OP I'm really not sure what you wanted to get from this thread.

I don't think anybody wants to to be alone or unhappy - especially at Christmas.

However, your opening post withheld some very significant information - namely that you could stay with your sister who lives locally to your parents.

The choice isn't go to your parents or be alone.

The result of that is that many posters who've only read your opening post are commenting and/or offering suggestions that are not helpful to you or your family (such as strong arming your mother, going NC with your brother, not buying the children presents etc).

In truth initially I couldn't understand your mothers or brothers position but now I understand they (and probably your sister) have a very different perspective on the situation.

Had most posters known the full facts I think many responses would have been different.

I'm truly sorry for your struggles with infertility. I can understand why it might be difficult to spend time with your brothers large family.

That said, no one here can offer good advice without all the facts - rather there's a real possibility of making things worse by encouraging your unwillingness to compromise even a little because you are "being treated very badly" by a family whose "happy" for you to be alone.

I can understand why your mother is struggling to pick a side here and I think if I'm honest your unfair in what you are asking of her.

My suggestion is think about what compromises you can make. Can you visit before Christmas then move to stay with your sister whilst your brother vists?

Or stay after Christmas when he's left? I'm assuming he's not planning to be there for weeks?

@UnaCorda i dont think you are selfish at all Covid has been hard on single ppl who live alone. I've spent Christmas alone due to work. But spending it alone this year would be worse.

I think your needs surpass his. They could still have a family Christmas .
I hope your brother changes his mind.

I think youre making too big a deal of Christmas Day. Celebrate Christmas with your parents - just not on 25 Dec when your brother and his family are there!

Find something else to do on 25 Dec (your sister, or go away like youd usually do?) and then have your Christmas with your parents.

I quite often have Christmas on 27 or 28 Dec, to fit round family availability. Generally it's their second but still my first.

This thread is a classic Mumsnet drip feed. All the Yanbu votes were based on your opening post. Subsequent posts have made very clear that you can spend Christmas Day with your family. You just want to cherry pick which members are allowed to be there.

I inigtially posted that YANBU and your brother is unkind.

Your subsequent posts paint a very different picture. YABU to think that your parents can't see their grandchildren for Christmas because of your issues and inflexibility.

You COULD stay with your sister. You COULD stay in a hotel. You COULD even doss on an airbed but you don't want to (don't blame you for that).

You aren't being condemned to a solitary existence by your selfish brother, as you intimated. You are choosing not to join your your extended family.

I'd go and stay with your parents the first couple of weeks of December, have nice early xmas dinner etc. Have some nice 1:1 time with them and let your brother have his Christmas with parents.

You could invite your sister and bil to your house for xmas?

Just a suggestion that helped me to cope with the agony of Christmas during a very long 11 years of childlessness and unsuccessful infertility treatment. I would spend the day in the kitchen, cooking unnecessary varieties of stuffing, and refusing any help. As your mother says she finds hosting Christmas for everyone tiring, why don't you offer to either cook, or help her. I know having to rush into the kitchen for something "urgent" helped me get through many an uncomfortable moment. It genuinely really, really helped me to cope...even if people thought I was a martyr for insisting I did it all alone. Just thought that could work for you and help out your mum too.

@walfordwatcher

Just a suggestion that helped me to cope with the agony of Christmas during a very long 11 years of childlessness and unsuccessful infertility treatment. I would spend the day in the kitchen, cooking unnecessary varieties of stuffing, and refusing any help. As your mother says she finds hosting Christmas for everyone tiring, why don't you offer to either cook, or help her. I know having to rush into the kitchen for something "urgent" helped me get through many an uncomfortable moment. It genuinely really, really helped me to cope...even if people thought I was a martyr for insisting I did it all alone. Just thought that could work for you and help out your mum too.

Assuming the OP can/likes cooking I think that's a good suggestion.

As you say it's the perfect excuse to get some time away from the very child focused moments without appearing to be rude.

Waaaa - apols
I had not RTFT or seen the massive drip feeds.

Having read them my feeling is the OP is unreasonable as she actually is welcome at her brothers and in addition has other options on via sister / new boyfriend / support bubble. Despite these multiple options she choses to reject any compromise and insist on her preference trumping all else.

Why are you facing two months alone? And what is going to change in December that means you can start visiting people?

I had assumed you were talking about a few days but now it’s a few weeks you want to block out at your parents‘ house? And your brother isn’t allowed to visit at all during that time?

Can’t you see how selfish that is?

A lot of your sentences begin “Maybe I’m selfish but...” I think you are and nothing you finish the sentences with really justifies it. Infertility is a cruel thing. But it is not a life sentence. You are wallowing. You are upsetting a lot of people who don’t appear to have done anything wrong. If being around children is so triggering for you (and I don’t doubt how hard you find it) then it is your responsibility to remove yourself from that situation - NOT insist others remove themselves from you.

Why is staying with sister not an option? Sleeping there and driving to parents for dinner or spending the day etc. then you can leave when you feel like it?

The situation sucks. However, I'm not sure if anyone is being unreasonble yet since to my understanding this has not actually been talked about?

@TheNewLook

Why are you facing two months alone? And what is going to change in December that means you can start visiting people?

I had assumed you were talking about a few days but now it’s a few weeks you want to block out at your parents‘ house? And your brother isn’t allowed to visit at all during that time?

Can’t you see how selfish that is?

A lot of your sentences begin “Maybe I’m selfish but...” I think you are and nothing you finish the sentences with really justifies it. Infertility is a cruel thing. But it is not a life sentence. You are wallowing. You are upsetting a lot of people who don’t appear to have done anything wrong. If being around children is so triggering for you (and I don’t doubt how hard you find it) then it is your responsibility to remove yourself from that situation - NOT insist others remove themselves from you.

What's also not clear is how long the brother and family would be visiting for.

I'm guessing it's not weeks.

On that assumption she absolutely has the option to stay with her parents before/after her brother visits for an extended visit and stay with sister during the days he's there.

This also has the added advantage that she and her sister can go a bit later on Christmas Day eg mid morning after the kids have opened their presents and are less "giddy" (which I can understand might be triggering).

If there's no bedrooms, why can't op sleep on the sofa?

Or make a camp with the kids on the front room floor. Camp out to 'catch sight' of Santa.

Make the best of it 🤷

@TooLittleTooLate80

Your updates are embarrassing and tiresome, hopefully you aren't harassing your parents with these views.

Absolutely! So much drama, Ns childishnessvery happy to have people call your brother a cock, dick, selfishbeing horrible about sil parenting, but as soon as inconsistencies that you are not being abandoned and its your choice are pointed out, then it's all upset and stop it, you're all horrible?

I don't think camping with the kids would help @elizaaa 🙄

Posted before I saw the mahoosive dripfeed op dropped 🤨

You are clearly really unhappy.

People are not actually piling on but instead are saying that in this situation you don’t need to be really unhappy.

There are compromise solutions. You just need to choose them.

Also, living in tier two there is no need to be alone. You could have formed a support bubble with another family since the summer.

People are trying to help by getting you to make practical suggestions

If you can cope (even tutor) with your brothers children at other times of the year, you can do so here. If you can’t , then you need to accept that this Christmas will not be spent with your parents and start making alternative plans