To be angry with DH, or am I overreacting?

[RockWrass]

Nc as I like my other username and don't want to be outed!

For context:
DD is 9 months. She's in a brilliant routine of
5.30pm - tea followed by bath/teeth/moisturiser/clean nappy/PJs
6.30 - 7pm - watches In The Night Garden/plays/reads books
7ish - breastfed
7.15 - put in her sleeping bag, read a final story
7.30 - asleep in her cot.

When following this routine, she generally wakes for a feed at 12ish, I bring her into our bed where she sleeps through until 5ish, has a quick feed and back to sleep until 7.30am. DH and I know that deviating from this routine means zero sleep and he, being self employed and WFH, knows this routine inside out.

Yesterday I had to be out of the house at an appointment. I left at 4.30pm and was back at 6.20pm.

Walked in and she was fast asleep on DH "having a nap." Apparently she was grouchy so he thought she needed a sleep before bed and bounced her until she went off at 6pm

She wasn't in her sleeping bag, she'd not had any milk (there is a stash in the freezer DH could have given her). DH was really pleased with himself. 10 mins later she woke up. I tried to feed her, put her in her bag, get her back off to sleep but after her power nap she was wide awake.

I then felt she was wet. Took her PJs off to find her nappy on back to front and it had leaked.
DH then said he'd fed her tea at 5pm, half an hour before she usually has it, as he thought she was grumpy. It later transpired that he'd not brushed her teeth or moisturised her (she's prone to eczema so that's important!).

He maintained that she was really grouchy and grumpy and he felt stressed. I asked him why he thought this was and he said, "no idea, I was on FaceTime to ILs the whole time and they didn't know either." I asked how long he was on FaceTime to them - he checked his call log - almost 30 mins in total, between 4.30pm and 6pm, when he put her off to sleep.

I was really cross and suggested that perhaps she was grouchy because, instead of interacting with her, reading with her and playing, he just shoved a camera in her face.

She then didn't go off to sleep until 10pm and woke up every 1hr 30. Who was up with her all night.... me.

I'm so angry because, IMO, for the 2hrs I was out, DH couldn't provide the minimum care for our daughter, probably because he was too busy playing Disney dad and showing off to ILs about what a brilliant dad he is.

We've had a huge argument and he's stormed off out for the day. He feels I'm overreacting. I feel really upset because, on the rare occasion I need to do something, I can't count on him to care for DD properly.

So - nest of vipers, reassure me that what I'm feeling is valid... or am I massively overreacting here?

Well, he won't do it again will he? If he's any sense at all that is...

He did provide minimum care for her though?

I think your over reacting personally.

Not worth a huge argument. It’s annoying but not worth being so angry about.

I get it. It’s about you having to bear the mental load and when you need him to step up and parent so you could be free for your appointment, he couldn’t just do that. He couldn’t just support you when you needed it. It makes it feel like he’s a child too and that’s off putting in a DH.

It’s not about her routine. It’s about him not stepping up and him defaulting the parenting to you.

Your mistake though was to not wake him in the night every time you were woken.

You are overreacting. You can't expect anyone else including your DH to follow your exacting regime. He was probably panicked by her being grumpy. For reference my XH had been a father for 4.5 years before he ever changed a nappy. I was out. I came home to DS standing in a soaking cot with a pin in his hip and fabric hanging down. Nothing between his legs!

I’d be really annoyed at the lack of skin care (DS has eczema so I know what it’s like) and not cleaning her teeth (if he thought she was going down for the night). The other bits I’m not sure I’d be so prescriptive over for a 9 MO.

It’s a bit shit he put the nappy on back to front- it can’t have been easy to tape it up the wrong way. Is he generally incompetent at looking after her properly or was it a one off?

To be fair all things considered YANBU.

Yes it’s annoying especially when you were the one up with her all night but unfortunately routines can’t always go to perfect planning, what happens if you have a night out etc and take baby or someone else looks after her for the night? It was one night.

She's in your bed from midnight? That doesn't sound brilliant to me but everyone has different ideas on parenting. I get why you are annoyed but thinķ you are overreacting. Was this routine come up with between you or have you imposed it?

I think you’re both overreacting - you because you’re tired and it could so easily have been avoided, and him because he knows you’re right and he’s embarrassed.

When he’s back I’d be having serious words. He doesn’t get to storm off and spend the day sulking, especially when you’ve been up all night with the baby. He’s sending you a clear message there that him doing his own thing is more important than protecting your sleep and your baby’s routine. Whether he has done that consciously or not, that’s what you get from his selfishness.

Of course, he may come back sheepish, apologise and take over completely, but either way he has to understand that it’s fine for him to want to ‘do his own thing’ with the baby but it’s not on to then leave the fallout to you.

You should have got him up every time she woke up, he wouldn’t do this again. Why didn’t you wake him?

I was really cross and suggested that perhaps she was grouchy because, instead of interacting with her, reading with her and playing, he just shoved a camera in her face.

This does sound a bit PFB though! I’ve never heard of reading TO a 9mo let alone reading with her!

I get it too. He had one job.

So many men get straight on the phone to mum the moment they have to be a dad.

He needs to understand that deviating from the routine makes your life much harder. A bit of self discipline is called for.

You are over reacting - don't sweat the small stuff.

That would annoy me. Men who have no clue how to look after their kids properly really annoy me as do those who sit on their phones ignoring the kids. . Generally I dont believe babies need to be in such a strict routine all the time but in this instance your daughter seems to thrive on such a schedule.

It also wasn't fair that you were woken up all night because him. But a huge argument wasn't necessary. Talk to him when hes back ask if he understands exactly how tired you are after being woken all night.

Alternatively if you're still fuming you could leave him alone one night with baby and bottles. Get your nights sleep back.

I’ve never heard of reading TO a 9mo let alone reading with her!

More fool you.

Do some research.

Why didn't you wake him and get him to do it/get him to help every time you had to get up and see to DC?

I think you’re acting somewhat hysterical. I know that I’d DP looks after the kids he’s going to do the minimum required. I’ve accepted that. He doesn’t have a clue what the routine is as I generally do it all. So they’ll get fed pizza, probably be on devices, have teeth done and then bed.

It probably won’t get any better btw.

don't sweat the small stuff.

I know. You set your alarm to go off multiple times tonight and walk around with a screaming pillow. Then look in the mirror tomorrow and repeat that.

It’s those of us that don’t make a fuss that end up with a husband who doesn’t change a nappy in four years and leaves a baby to soak a cot with urine.

Why does it matter if the routine was ‘imposed’ or thought up between the two of them, if it works and allows the two adults and the child to get a full night’s sleep? You’ve got to be one pathetic person to begrudge doing a routine that benefits you as well purely because you didn’t devise it!

I think you’re overreacting if I’m being honest and it certainly doesn’t warrant an argument though appreciate you will both be knackered after being up all night which doesn’t always help when trying to gain clarity on a situation or discuss it in a calm way!

The bottom Kind is, he DID meet her basic care needs.

I think you’re being a little bit critical of him.

You sound like having control and ownership of a situation is incredibly important to you, and that you’re a perfectionist - perhaps you are putting a little bit too much pressure and placing too much expectation on him because of this.

Routine is important but so is flexibility and mutual respect.

@BlueFringe

I get it. It’s about you having to bear the mental load and when you need him to step up and parent so you could be free for your appointment, he couldn’t just do that. He couldn’t just support you when you needed it. It makes it feel like he’s a child too and that’s off putting in a DH.

It’s not about her routine. It’s about him not stepping up and him defaulting the parenting to you.

Your mistake though was to not wake him in the night every time you were woken.

This is it exactly. I just feel like the one time I actually needed him to provide decent care, he couldn't.

I don't care about what time she has her tea, or the fact he didn't read to her. I'm pissed off that he didn't moisturise her and brush her teeth. I'm pissed off that he decided to make her nap? right before bed.

And I'm pissed off that I'm the one paying for it having been up all night and now dealing with a really grumpy baby today.

The routine kind of fell into place between both of us. I'm not annoyed that he didn't stick to it. I'm annoyed that, IMO, he didn't look after her properly.

Pfb?

I get it, I breastfed both mine and my husband benefitted from it from the point of view he didn't have to do the night feeds.

He was very lazy.

Hopefully if you've had words he won't do it again.

I understand totally why you feel how you do. However, if the routine which you described is usually all done by you, then DH might not have had the chance to really get to grips with it, or feel confident with it, or for it to be automatic to him. Maybe call a truce when he comes back as I think you both probably punished each other and yourselves enough over this now. But going forward, can he take the lead on the evening routine three or four days a week?

It’s really sad that so many women accept the absolute bare minimum in terms of effort. Poor them. Poor children.

Not your point I know, but if she suffers from eczema then YABU to bath her every day, this will hugely aggravate it - weekly baths and a wipe down with a flannel on the other days!