To be angry with DH, or am I overreacting?

[RockWrass]

Nc as I like my other username and don't want to be outed!

For context:
DD is 9 months. She's in a brilliant routine of
5.30pm - tea followed by bath/teeth/moisturiser/clean nappy/PJs
6.30 - 7pm - watches In The Night Garden/plays/reads books
7ish - breastfed
7.15 - put in her sleeping bag, read a final story
7.30 - asleep in her cot.

When following this routine, she generally wakes for a feed at 12ish, I bring her into our bed where she sleeps through until 5ish, has a quick feed and back to sleep until 7.30am. DH and I know that deviating from this routine means zero sleep and he, being self employed and WFH, knows this routine inside out.

Yesterday I had to be out of the house at an appointment. I left at 4.30pm and was back at 6.20pm.

Walked in and she was fast asleep on DH "having a nap." Apparently she was grouchy so he thought she needed a sleep before bed and bounced her until she went off at 6pm

She wasn't in her sleeping bag, she'd not had any milk (there is a stash in the freezer DH could have given her). DH was really pleased with himself. 10 mins later she woke up. I tried to feed her, put her in her bag, get her back off to sleep but after her power nap she was wide awake.

I then felt she was wet. Took her PJs off to find her nappy on back to front and it had leaked.
DH then said he'd fed her tea at 5pm, half an hour before she usually has it, as he thought she was grumpy. It later transpired that he'd not brushed her teeth or moisturised her (she's prone to eczema so that's important!).

He maintained that she was really grouchy and grumpy and he felt stressed. I asked him why he thought this was and he said, "no idea, I was on FaceTime to ILs the whole time and they didn't know either." I asked how long he was on FaceTime to them - he checked his call log - almost 30 mins in total, between 4.30pm and 6pm, when he put her off to sleep.

I was really cross and suggested that perhaps she was grouchy because, instead of interacting with her, reading with her and playing, he just shoved a camera in her face.

She then didn't go off to sleep until 10pm and woke up every 1hr 30. Who was up with her all night.... me.

I'm so angry because, IMO, for the 2hrs I was out, DH couldn't provide the minimum care for our daughter, probably because he was too busy playing Disney dad and showing off to ILs about what a brilliant dad he is.

We've had a huge argument and he's stormed off out for the day. He feels I'm overreacting. I feel really upset because, on the rare occasion I need to do something, I can't count on him to care for DD properly.

So - nest of vipers, reassure me that what I'm feeling is valid... or am I massively overreacting here?

It's one night. One. I agree he should have been the one to get up to her overnight, but at the same time I think this level of anger over one night is disproportionate and the pp suggesting he did this deliberately to manipulate and control you are downright malicious.

@kursaalflyer. Once the OP goes back to work her husband will have to step up. Unless the OP is making a career out of being the best mother in the world full time. There has to be compromises on both sides if they are to learn to work as a team.

You can't expect anyone else including your DH to follow your exacting regime

So changing a wet nappy is now an 'exacting regime'? Pathetic excuses made for a total lack of effort here.

YABU and over reacting massively

If I have read right she hadn't been changed for bed, teeth brushed and skin moisturised YET. He hadn't put her to bed without doing those things, he'd just run late on / messed up the timetable.
And no I'm not making excuses, and I don't have a DH that didn't change a nap for years and I don't think OP should be a skivvy.

I think it depends if he's on board with this military precision timings. Some parents like it, some don't. With both my dds we just let them sleep when they wanted, we were on the same page with that. The down side of your way, is that the child becomes so accustomed to it, they can't handle any shift.

YANBU, you poor overtired thing!

He was an absolute arse to not take car of her properly and deserves a kick in the cojones for letting her "nap" before bedtime. Of course she would be up for ages.

He's doubly rubbish for slopng off and leaving an exhausted you to look after her today.

His actions had repercussions only you suffered. Of course her can say you over-reacted; to him is was no inconvenience at all.

This is all really helpful, thank you.
I appreciate I am coming across as rigid and inflexible, perhaps a perfectionist... perhaps I am, a tad however these times are approximate and it's not as if I look at the clock and wait, the routine just flows and this is what works for us. She was the most awful sleeper from newborn until 6 months-ish and since this routine has evolved, generally our nights are good.

I am really at those who say they don't read with their DC at 9 months. DD loves looking at books, especially lift the flap ones!

Your child will teach you at some point that they are not a robot and cannot be managed by metronome. You’re attaching unrealistic expectations to the routine - sounds like you run that military operation every night usually... so chill out and let your husband learn to parent too.

Your sleep IS precious and if you have a routine that means baby is happy and you are well rested then YES HE SHOULD STICK TO THAT.

Feigning ignorance does not wash and he does not get to storm out all day whilst you've been up all night.

That said, this doesn't need to be a nuclear fight. Write the routine for him next time, give him another chance to prove he can be competent and tonight let him do the night routine so you can rest! Some of it could be a confidence issue.

It seems he was responding how he thought best, ie grouchy so fed her dinner, seems tired so bounced her to sleep. What a bastard. Do you give him any say in anything, or does it tend to be this works best so when I actually entrust you with doing it you best follow it to the letter?

He sounds pretty useless. No he didn’t have to stick to the exact routine but I don’t know why people are saying “he did provide basic care though so YABU”. Why are women always the default parents? That when we go out for a couple of hours all we can expect from the child’s father is the bare minimum? The nap would have really pissed me off. I wouldn’t care so much about the stories etc and a slightly early tea isn’t a problem for me but I don’t understand why he can’t put a nappy on his own child properly.

Also to pp who say ‘my DH does nothing’ or ‘my DF did nothing’, so what. My DH cares for our DD 50:50 and does everything just as well as I do, some things better like he’s much better at getting her to eat her dinner properly. If he can do it then why can’t others.

Sounds like you need to go out more often so he can get used to looking after her properly!

Also people are assuming that you have imposed this routine on your family, I’m not sure why. OP says that they fell into the routine together. He just can’t follow it on his own.

@thethoughtfox

This has nowt to do with your AIBU but consider less baths. We went down to one or two baths a week and eczema completely cleared up.

Thank you! We tend to just run a very shallow bath and she has a bit of a splash, a wipe over and a crawl/play with her toys in there, then once or twice a week, she'll have a good clean. The eczema has pretty much cleared up except under her chin, probably due to teething dribble, which tends to not get too wet in the bath like this.

How the fuck does this meet the definition of ‘met her basic needs’? He put the nappy on wrong, didn’t give her milk, didn’t brush her teeth, didn’t treat her eczema. She’s 9 months old, how does he still not know how to put a nappy on? Because he avoids giving her basic care. I’d be furious.

Op why didn't you make your dh get up with your baby during the night?
He cocked up the routine so he should suffer the consequences.
Don't stop going out, this is a trap a lot of women fall into.
Also it's perfectly normal to read to a 9 month old. Children will not learn to read unless they are shown how to. Plonking young Children in front of screens is lazy.

I find some of these responses a bit odd. Never heard of reading to a nine month old? Wtf. I read to both of mine virtually from birth. One's fifteen with a talent for creative writing, and the other is currently nine months and gets very involved with books! Story time is one of the few things that will cheer him up when he's being a grumpster!

I'd be annoyed with your DH too. How on earth did he manage to put the nappy on backwards?! Does he not normally change nappies??

Whilst my DH does his fair share of childcare, not a lot of thought goes into it in terms of planning routine and what's best for different stages of development. Men appear to be wired differently. In your case though, he didn't even need to do a great deal of thinking, because he'd witnessed the routine many many times before.

He put the nappy on wrong, didn’t give her milk, didn’t brush her teeth, didn’t treat her eczema

She hadn't gone up to bed yet, I agree that the nappy is ridiculous, but it seems OP is annoyed as she was napping downstairs, so no bedtime routine yet, rather than he put her to bed for the night like it.

Hm it's a tough one. If she's in a routine and he's aware of it then it's not too much to ask that he follow it. However, you're kind of micromanaging his time with her and expecting it to be done exactly as you'd do it which is a bit unreasonable tbh.

I'd be irritated because that's a really significant disruption, it's not something understandable like 20 min late getting dinner, it's just not the routine at all. How can he not put a nappy on properly by now? Why is he storming off like a teenager? Why was 2 hours a significant caring event, when he should regularly give you a break?
There may be a need for apologies for arguing on both sides and certainly apologies from him for screwing up your sleep. Part of the difficulty you'll find going forward is that mayo and feeding times will keep adjusting for the next 2 years, so you need to give him more responsibilities but if he's dense enough not to notice then an outline schedule on the wall that he must not deviate from may help.

*mayo = meals

YANBU it's not his job as a father to provide minimum care or simply keep her alive. It's his job to provide proper care, the same care you're required to provide.
He was bang out of order but my god how or why you let him sleep is beyond me. I'd have put her in bed with him and gone and slept on the sofa. Why would be bother feeding her, bathing her, moisturizing her and reading to her when he can just rock her to sleep in the sofa at 5 and then get to sleep all night.

I'm also quite surprised at the amount of pps who would describe a leaking nappy, no moisturiser, teeth not brushed etc as not basic, minimum care but I do understand the phrase "all fed, no one dead."

He knew I'd be 2hrs maximum. It wasn't a social, it was a genuine appointment that I had to attend. I have left her with him before for a maximum of 3hrs, a handful of times, never encroaching on bedtime though. He has never changed a pooey nappy but has, on occasion, changed wet ones. Thinking about it, this has been at MILs so maybe she actually did it.

I left everything ready - her tea just needed to be warmed through, it was in a saucepan on the hob, her plate was ready with cucumber, tomato, peppers chopped and on it. I filled up her cup and left it on the high chair with her bib. Her towel was in the radiator in the bathroom, her toothbrush and toothpaste on the side of the bath. Her PJs, nappy and moisturiser were out on the side in her bedroom.

I genuinely couldn't have made it easier for him.

A grown man can't chop cucumber?? Wtf have I just read?

And for those who say that maybe he doesn't like having a routine. If DH isn't on board with having a strict routine then he's welcome to get up every hour in the night isn't he.