To be angry with DH, or am I overreacting?

[RockWrass]

Nc as I like my other username and don't want to be outed!

For context:
DD is 9 months. She's in a brilliant routine of
5.30pm - tea followed by bath/teeth/moisturiser/clean nappy/PJs
6.30 - 7pm - watches In The Night Garden/plays/reads books
7ish - breastfed
7.15 - put in her sleeping bag, read a final story
7.30 - asleep in her cot.

When following this routine, she generally wakes for a feed at 12ish, I bring her into our bed where she sleeps through until 5ish, has a quick feed and back to sleep until 7.30am. DH and I know that deviating from this routine means zero sleep and he, being self employed and WFH, knows this routine inside out.

Yesterday I had to be out of the house at an appointment. I left at 4.30pm and was back at 6.20pm.

Walked in and she was fast asleep on DH "having a nap." Apparently she was grouchy so he thought she needed a sleep before bed and bounced her until she went off at 6pm

She wasn't in her sleeping bag, she'd not had any milk (there is a stash in the freezer DH could have given her). DH was really pleased with himself. 10 mins later she woke up. I tried to feed her, put her in her bag, get her back off to sleep but after her power nap she was wide awake.

I then felt she was wet. Took her PJs off to find her nappy on back to front and it had leaked.
DH then said he'd fed her tea at 5pm, half an hour before she usually has it, as he thought she was grumpy. It later transpired that he'd not brushed her teeth or moisturised her (she's prone to eczema so that's important!).

He maintained that she was really grouchy and grumpy and he felt stressed. I asked him why he thought this was and he said, "no idea, I was on FaceTime to ILs the whole time and they didn't know either." I asked how long he was on FaceTime to them - he checked his call log - almost 30 mins in total, between 4.30pm and 6pm, when he put her off to sleep.

I was really cross and suggested that perhaps she was grouchy because, instead of interacting with her, reading with her and playing, he just shoved a camera in her face.

She then didn't go off to sleep until 10pm and woke up every 1hr 30. Who was up with her all night.... me.

I'm so angry because, IMO, for the 2hrs I was out, DH couldn't provide the minimum care for our daughter, probably because he was too busy playing Disney dad and showing off to ILs about what a brilliant dad he is.

We've had a huge argument and he's stormed off out for the day. He feels I'm overreacting. I feel really upset because, on the rare occasion I need to do something, I can't count on him to care for DD properly.

So - nest of vipers, reassure me that what I'm feeling is valid... or am I massively overreacting here?

Jesus yanbu.

Wtf, he can't even change his own 9 month old baby's nappy properly?! Then gives himself a day off because had to graft and look after his own child for once for a back breaking 2 hours and didn't get the expected ticker tape parade and trumpets for doing the bare minimum with every last thing prepared and waiting for him.

Clearly things need to change and you need to lay it on the line he needs to pitch in and the fucking off and sulking needs to stop too, the great big bairn.

Ok you've made a rod for your own back by never leaving him to actually care for her
Why do you not allow the other parent to co-parent?

@BlueFringe hit the nail on the head as did some other posters.
It’s not so much about the routine, it’s the fact that Op has to bear the mental load most of the time. Op, probably just wanted her Dh to relieve her of the mental load which can be much more exhausting than the physical load. She wanted her dh to be able to step up to the plate when she wasn’t available. She’s rightfully pissed off.
Too many women bear the mental load with regard to dcs routine ,homework , parents evening , dress up days , school class parties, while the lives of many men barely change.

YANBU to be annoyed, but YABU to have facilitated him doing fuck all to this point by being what sounds pretty controlling. Rather than getting angry talk about how to make it better.

Honestly you’re doing too much for him, stop it and let him use his initiative. Otherwise you’ll be working and doing all the childcare too.

I can’t believe he’s not changing nappies WTAF he’s never changed a pooey nappy ????

Because just now he gave a really bad night to his DW who had to get up all night

I'm sure OP said he offered and she said no as he would do it wrong?? In which case that was her choice

I would and have been furious in a similar situation and that’s ok.

He did provide minimum care though. She was fed and safe and he tended to her basic needs he just did it haphazardly and not the way you like it.

It was a one off and he’s been en suitably berated. Forgive and forget now.

It’s one bad night - parenthood will be full of bad nights.

I didn’t think teeth brushing was recommended before a year old?

Btw I agree with you about not trusting him.

But then has he ever shown any interest in taking over (bar his vague attempt that evening)? Has he ever said he wanted to do the whole bed time routine, spend time with his dd to read her a story etc...
The only thing he can’t do atm is b’fing.
So there are many times when he couod say he wanted to do x and y.

Responsibility here is shared imo. It can’t only be the woman faukt if the father isn’t actually involved. Surely he should WANT and DEMAND to be involved rather than expecting his dw to give some job/ask for help/tell him what to do? Because otherwise if he does, he is only acting like a child.

YANBU

For a start its common sense. Do Plan A and everyone gets a decent nights sleep. Do something, anything, else and no one gets any kip including the baby. Thats just what we do isnt it?! In any given situation you pick the path of least resistance that leads to the best result possible. Or is that just me?!

And yes, the mental load is the issue here. He is passing the buck of default parenting, however OP I would suggest that you are partially to blame for that. By leaving everything prepared for him you are telling him that you are the default and he the "babysitter".

So stop.

Go out for a couple of hours, leave him to it and make sure he knows that if she doesnt sleep that night, you are OFF DUTY. Then graduate up to a night or two away. He wont learn if he has no need to.

Depends on the child @Rockchick1984 - daily baths were emphasised by our daughter's dermatologist and made a huge difference to her skin overall

You need to start leaving him in charge of all things baby and house, without doing all the prep work for him, and making it clear he needs to learn to do these things for HIS daughter, not get his mother to do it.

He needs to change pooey nappies.
He needs to prepare food.
He needs to deal with all of it.

Your life will be a misery when you go back to work if he can't be relied on to do his share. Not 'help' you. Do his share.

@Cloudybea

Because just now he gave a really bad night to his DW who had to get up all night

I'm sure OP said he offered and she said no as he would do it wrong?? In which case that was her choice

Yes but then it also means she was taking the risk of having an even worse night of sleep. And for her to still be the one to take responsibility.

You see the issue here is that the default position is for her to sort things out and deal with the dd sleep p. Because he is working, she bfing blablabla.
Would you trust someone who has proven he can’t the NORMAL routine to be able to sort the situation when things are UNUSUAL and therefore more tricky??

I know I am repeating myself but you hadn't got in late to find her asleep in her clothes without being moisturised or having had her teeth done. She hadn't gone to bed yet. She hadn't had these things done yet. By 6.20pm when you got in he hadn't done them yet. He had put her nappy on wrong and let her have a nap too close to bedtime. That daft but it is not child neglect. When he offered to stay up to put things right you wouldn't let him.

I have a 9 month old daughter. The difference is that we also have a 5 year old son, a chaotic dog and both work FT. We are both just muddling through it really. The kids are happy , we are surviving a pandemic and sometimes spouse messes up, sometimes I do. 9 month old DD is somehow just also managing amidst all such chaos and it really doesn’t specifically matter what if either him or I mess this or that up. I’m personally finding your level of bother about something like this - enough to create a thread - really strange. Neither spouse nor I would consider a FaceTime call with either of our families a shoving phone in face thing. Like I said I have a daughter exactly the same age as yours and a lot of your post is so unrecognisable ..... perhaps this is about a first baby things too a bit?

Would you trust someone who has proven he can’t the NORMAL routine to be able to sort the situation when things are UNUSUAL and therefore more tricky??

Absolutely yes if they have caused it. Standard position with DH when DD was small was that if he couldn't be arsed with routine for whatever reason he could stay up with her. Funny enough after the first time he didn't again.

You micromanage every aspect of the "routine", you check his phone to see what he was doing (wtf), when he wants to help you tell him to go away. You sound incredibly controlling and you ruined the one night he got to spend with his daughter away from your dictatorship.

Let him be a parent. Stop treating him like a child.

@OhToBeASeahorse I think most of us here have dealt with an overtired baby!

OP I'm sorry but it seems you're micromanaging and not allowing your DP to properly co-parent. It's your show and he has to play to your tune. If he doesn't, he gets berated and this will likely mean he does even less in future. I get that your evening routine works to a certain extent but it's very rigid and any deviance is seen as 'wrong'.

My DM was like that and consequently my dad rarely did any 'proper' parenting as he always got it 'wrong'.

Totally unreasonable i mean there babies not robots and he was just adapting to what he though his baby needed . If he didn't do anything im sure you would be having a moan

YANBU if he knew what the routine is - sounds like it works for you so don't mind anyone saying it's too rigid or whatever. Sounds like he was lazy and it's really annoying that you're the one who had to get up with her.

And I'm pissed off that I'm the one paying for it having been up all night and now dealing with a really grumpy baby today.

This is the problem. He needs to understand the consequences of going off-piste with her routine. At the moment he doesn't think it's a big deal because he's not the one who has to deal with the fall out.

I would have made him do every wake-up you don't usually do (well, maybe I would have taken 1 or 2, but he needed to do the bulk), I absolutely would have said she was his to deal with at 9.30pm that night, and I don't understand why he's not the one dealing with the grumpy baby today?

Sandybdnas those were his exact words, "I can't win".

The worst thing is once that dynamic was established it stuck throughout whole marriage. DM ended up doing everything because she wrote DF off as being useless...he felt more useless and sidelined. When she was dying this division resurfaced agonisingly - it totally breaks my heart remembering DF trying to care for DM as best he could, him fretting about getting anything wrong and her in her hospital bed silently fuming at him. It was so so sad and not how it should have happened.

I know mine is an extreme example but it's so important to try and communicate and not get mad or end up getting resentful because once your DC are grown you could end up hating one another

I think he couldn't be bothered.

[quote GuyFawkesHadTheRightIdea]@OhToBeASeahorse I think most of us here have dealt with an overtired baby!

OP I'm sorry but it seems you're micromanaging and not allowing your DP to properly co-parent. It's your show and he has to play to your tune. If he doesn't, he gets berated and this will likely mean he does even less in future. I get that your evening routine works to a certain extent but it's very rigid and any deviance is seen as 'wrong'.

My DM was like that and consequently my dad rarely did any 'proper' parenting as he always got it 'wrong'. [/quote]
Yes as long as he ALSO deal with the crappy night, even if the day after his a work day!!

He can’t say it w to to do it my way’ and then leave the OP deal with the crap afterwards. Seeing that he thought it was OK to moan the day after that he was tired because he was kept awake by dd crying (but didn’t have to get up etc...). I very doubt he would be up for it.

I’d love to be proven wrong btw.

He has never changed a pooey nappy but has, on occasion, changed wet ones. Thinking about it, this has been at MILs so maybe she actually did it

I left everything ready - her tea just needed to be warmed through, it was in a saucepan on the hob, her plate was ready with cucumber, tomato, peppers chopped and on it. I filled up her cup and left it on the high chair with her bib. Her towel was in the radiator in the bathroom, her toothbrush and toothpaste on the side of the bath. Her PJs, nappy and moisturiser were out on the side in her bedroom.

I genuinely couldn't have made it easier for him.

You must be exhausted from all that micro managing.

And that right there is the problem.

This is all of your own making.