To be angry with DH, or am I overreacting?

[RockWrass]

Nc as I like my other username and don't want to be outed!

For context:
DD is 9 months. She's in a brilliant routine of
5.30pm - tea followed by bath/teeth/moisturiser/clean nappy/PJs
6.30 - 7pm - watches In The Night Garden/plays/reads books
7ish - breastfed
7.15 - put in her sleeping bag, read a final story
7.30 - asleep in her cot.

When following this routine, she generally wakes for a feed at 12ish, I bring her into our bed where she sleeps through until 5ish, has a quick feed and back to sleep until 7.30am. DH and I know that deviating from this routine means zero sleep and he, being self employed and WFH, knows this routine inside out.

Yesterday I had to be out of the house at an appointment. I left at 4.30pm and was back at 6.20pm.

Walked in and she was fast asleep on DH "having a nap." Apparently she was grouchy so he thought she needed a sleep before bed and bounced her until she went off at 6pm

She wasn't in her sleeping bag, she'd not had any milk (there is a stash in the freezer DH could have given her). DH was really pleased with himself. 10 mins later she woke up. I tried to feed her, put her in her bag, get her back off to sleep but after her power nap she was wide awake.

I then felt she was wet. Took her PJs off to find her nappy on back to front and it had leaked.
DH then said he'd fed her tea at 5pm, half an hour before she usually has it, as he thought she was grumpy. It later transpired that he'd not brushed her teeth or moisturised her (she's prone to eczema so that's important!).

He maintained that she was really grouchy and grumpy and he felt stressed. I asked him why he thought this was and he said, "no idea, I was on FaceTime to ILs the whole time and they didn't know either." I asked how long he was on FaceTime to them - he checked his call log - almost 30 mins in total, between 4.30pm and 6pm, when he put her off to sleep.

I was really cross and suggested that perhaps she was grouchy because, instead of interacting with her, reading with her and playing, he just shoved a camera in her face.

She then didn't go off to sleep until 10pm and woke up every 1hr 30. Who was up with her all night.... me.

I'm so angry because, IMO, for the 2hrs I was out, DH couldn't provide the minimum care for our daughter, probably because he was too busy playing Disney dad and showing off to ILs about what a brilliant dad he is.

We've had a huge argument and he's stormed off out for the day. He feels I'm overreacting. I feel really upset because, on the rare occasion I need to do something, I can't count on him to care for DD properly.

So - nest of vipers, reassure me that what I'm feeling is valid... or am I massively overreacting here?

You’re overreacting

He sounds more like a baby sitter than a co-parent!

He knows the consequences now of going off routine. Rather than trusting him less, it sounds like you need to share more of the evening routine with him so he can practise it.

As for never having changed a number two nappy for a 9 month old, that’s extraordinary.

To some extent you’ve created a rod for your own back by either not involving him or accepting his lack of participation.

yanbu
I wonder how these men would feel about us if we started offering the same level of "care" that they do to our children

I think you need a honest conversation about responsibilities - how has he never done a night shift or changed

Your feelings can be valid and be overreacting at the same time!

he did offer to stay up with her but I was too pissed off by that point and wanted to make sure he didn't do anything else to detriment things

This is part of the problem, FFS. He offered to stay up, you said no. If he dares deviate on what you dictate to be the routine you get annoyed, but admit he hasn't been alone much with her or do nappies etc. Loosen the reins, go out, take time for yourself and let him look after her.

Why on earth is your baby 9 months old and the dad has never changed a pooey nappy?! Here you are baffled about people not reading to their 9 month old but this is way more bizarre.

Some of these responses are shocking! The routine works. OP says they both know that. He thinks it's okay to disrupt that (even though it had zero impact on him) and even thinks it's okay to leave their baby in a soaking wet nappy that isn't even put on properly.

He's her DAD. Why the fuck shouldn't he be just as capable as OP of looking after her baby? He couldn't even put her nappy on properly for crying out loud.

Is this all we expect of dad's these days? A nappy put on backwards, a soaking wet baby who hasn't been fed on time or looked after properly? But it's okay because he's done the "bare minimum"? (though I'd argue he hasn't even done that).

@LittleRa

YANBU

But the way you describe having left things in your post just above- even when you are there does DH do any parts of her usual routine? Eg you do tea then he does bath, you do breastfeed and he reads story? Maybe he needs to actually do it himself with you there first, before he can manage doing it himself- he said himself he was stressed. Could this be due to him not having the regular experience of what to do?

On a usual day, I tend to get tea ready whilst she's playing and the 3 of us eat together at 5.30. One of us cleans up whilst the other one baths her (she has teeth done in the bath). I usually take her out of the bath and do PJs/moisturiser and take her downstairs. DH goes back into the office, finishes up work for another 30 mins or so whilst I play/read to her and then comes down to join.

He is integrated in the routine. Like I said, it has evolved over time and this is what works for us. Without it, she genuinely just does not sleep. I am not a routine driven person by any stretch but this is what makes her happy and how she likes things.

Perhaps I am too controlling with him. But again, surely teeth, moisturiser, properly fitted nappy is minimum care? Surely there is no way to argue around that.
I appreciate she was grumpy but perhaps if he played with her instead of making her perform like a monkey on FaceTime for 30 mins, she would've been happier.

but perhaps if he played with her instead of making her perform like a monkey on FaceTime for 30 mins

He was on facetime with his parents, I am guessing he isn't allowed to do that, if you expect him to be an equal parent treat him like one.

I know your pissed off but I’d be going back out and leave him to parent when the time arises and if he mucks up he gets up during the night tough shit if he hasn’t done it before. He will quickly learn that naps don’t happen that late on or baby is up and then grumpy the next day.

PPs criticising the routine clearly dont get the utter exhaustion of a sleepless baby. DS is 2 and I am still pretty rigid with his routine. I make no apologies for it. He sleeps best using it. OP isnt doing anything wrong.

But it is also irrelevant.. the issue here is that the mental load of creating it, and sticking to it, and understanding the rationale and understanding medical needs have all fallen to the OP and the first chance the DH gets to do it he fucks up. Message - he either hasnt listened which is infuriating or he just doesnt care which is terrible. If he had done this once out of loads of times it would be different.

OP I'd be fucked off too.

And as for people arguing he has met her basic needs. How exactly? No, he hasnt. And even if he had - is that really what we want from our partners? Meeting basic needs?

@RockWrass

I'm also quite surprised at the amount of pps who would describe a leaking nappy, no moisturiser, teeth not brushed etc as not basic, minimum care but I do understand the phrase "all fed, no one dead."

He knew I'd be 2hrs maximum. It wasn't a social, it was a genuine appointment that I had to attend. I have left her with him before for a maximum of 3hrs, a handful of times, never encroaching on bedtime though. He has never changed a pooey nappy but has, on occasion, changed wet ones. Thinking about it, this has been at MILs so maybe she actually did it.

I left everything ready - her tea just needed to be warmed through, it was in a saucepan on the hob, her plate was ready with cucumber, tomato, peppers chopped and on it. I filled up her cup and left it on the high chair with her bib. Her towel was in the radiator in the bathroom, her toothbrush and toothpaste on the side of the bath. Her PJs, nappy and moisturiser were out on the side in her bedroom.

I genuinely couldn't have made it easier for him.

Your problem is there. He has no clue how to look after his child and no idea on how hard work it is if you dint do things in a certain way.

And yes SOME children are flexible, adapt to varying bed time etc... but some don’t. And if you have one of those, then you stick to the routine. Not the least because it’s your partner, you know the person you are supposed to love and cherish, that will pay the price if you don’t!!

I agree that he should have got up during the night. He wouod have received a mouthful from me after complaining of been tired and not sleeping well. As if you had!
But here we go, he has now very conveniently stormed off for the day, leaving you exhausted with no help instead. He won’t be experiencing the effect of his inadequacy anymore and will be able to comfort himself in the knowledge that you were I et the top because it wasn’t such an issue FOR HIM.

Moving forward, I think he needs to step up as a father, starting by doing all the nappies at weekends. All the feeding (and that isn’t bfing) and playing.
As he is WFH, he will also be able to involved in bed time routine from now on. Including using cream for her eczema or brushing her teeth.

I’m at the fact some posters think it’s not such a big deal. Because no it didn’t kill her. But would it REALLY be ok for him to look after her that way day after day. No teeth brushing. No cream to keep eczema under control. Disturbed sleep (for her! I’m pretty sure that after a few days of that regime she would also be more tired than usual).

Nope saying that it’s no big deal is only acceptable if you also assume it’s a one off and that the OP is going to step up and do all the caring again so it doesn’t happen again.
Not if he was actually a proper parent looking after his Dd 50/50 and still not giving any attention to those ‘details’

@Sandybdnas

but perhaps if he played with her instead of making her perform like a monkey on FaceTime for 30 mins

He was on facetime with his parents, I am guessing he isn't allowed to do that, if you expect him to be an equal parent treat him like one.

Of course he's allowed to FaceTime his parents but 30 mins is quite a long time for independent play at 9 months, particularly at a time of day when she's used to interactive play. If I was FaceTiming my parents and she was grizzling, I'd take that as a cue that she'd had enough and end the call. I certainly wouldn't allow her to grizzle for 30 mins whilst someone watched!

I don't have DC so feel free to tell me to get lost but I did have a DM who micromanaged everything and a DF who barely ever looked after us because he was always working, so when he did take care of us he made it up as he went along and then got shouted at for it and it was the biggest source of stress in their marriage even when Dbro and I grown. She did everything because she thought he'd fuck it up, so when he tried he was a bit useless sometimes, she yelled at him and he felt more useless, he got demoralised, she felt she had no support.

Leaving aside why you're you're in the situation you are re. division of care and whose fault what is....if he's very rarely done any of the care he probably did feel stressed and unsure... I almost never look after babies...and when I looked after DN for the first period of time, when he yelled or got sleepy etc I just reacted to what he seemed to need in the moment rather than slogging on with the routine. SILs list said oil and baby massage after bath but he was screaming blue murder while drying him so I skipped the massage and bounced him on the bed for forty minutes til he stopped crying. Similarly if he fell asleep on me at mealtime I was torn...do I wake him to feed? Will he wake himself and tell me if he's hungry? We just winged it because it was only two days...two days feels like a short enough time that it doesn't matter if you muddle through.

I feels like if he were in charge of her more then the benefits/necessities of the routine would be self evident but he was probably feeling his way in this instance. As for the phonecall, he was probably just enjoying showing the baby to his fam. Again not saying it's right/fair or whatever but that sound like what it could be.

Btw I dint think he is that integrated in the routine. He can’t be if he has never changed a nappy or can just bigger off to do more work in the middle of it.
If it was HIS responsibility, no way he wouod be able to do any of that.

He's never changed a dirty nappy???

Ok you've made a rod for your own back by never leaving him to actually care for her. He's basically a babysitter and part time assistant to you isn't he? I'm not surprised he's crap at it. I appreciate you want your baby to be well cared for but you aren't the only one responsible for doing that and if he doesn't have initiative to do it then he needs to learn. You need to leave her with him more often and for longer and don't default to you when you're both at home. How the hell have you changed all the dirty nappies for 9 months???

Oh dear.

Op, sounds as if he needs much more time alone actually looking after his daughter.

And with no facetime so that he can show mummy & daddy what a clever boy he is being!

"He has never changed a pooey nappy but has, on occasion, changed wet ones. Thinking about it, this has been at MILs so maybe she actually did it.

I left everything ready - her tea just needed to be warmed through, it was in a saucepan on the hob, her plate was ready with cucumber, tomato, peppers chopped and on it. I filled up her cup and left it on the high chair with her bib. Her towel was in the radiator in the bathroom, her toothbrush and toothpaste on the side of the bath. Her PJs, nappy and moisturiser were out on the side in her bedroom.

I genuinely couldn't have made it easier for him."

I think you have described the problem yourself here. You need to let him do and learn. Until then he will continue to disappoint you. He needs to make and effort. You need to let him make mistakes on the way.
Can't believe the two of you have allowed a situation where he's never changed a dirty nappy. Sorry but my sympathies have evaporated a bit. Good luck

@RockWrass but you're allowing your DH zero choices in what he does with her then, you wouldn't call for 30 minutes because that's interactive play time according to your routine. Do you not think things like that are a bit controlling? I get the night routine and think you should leave him up with her at night etc if he deviates.

No no, OP, I definitely agree with you that his care was substandard, I’m just trying to think of why it was and what you could do about it to avoid it happening again in the future.

How would he react if you asked to sit down today to talk about it and say “Ok, yesterday wasn’t ideal. You say you felt stressed and you weren’t able to complete the parts of the routine that DD needs. Do you agree with me that moisturising, brushing teeth etc are important? How can we move forwards to make sure you feel confident in doing this in the future, especially with be going back to work in a few months?”

Fwiw, my ex was like this and at times I did wonder whether I was too controlling when he “didn’t get it right” and whether the standards I placed on myself and therefore him were too high, but ultimately it became clear that he just wasn’t as bothered as me and we separated. He is now a much better parent than he ever was when we were together, because after we split he had to have her by himself and learn the hard way, without me always being there to pick up the slack or hand her back to. However on the flip side it probably meant I also wasn’t there saying things like “no you should do it like this...” or “I always do it this way...” which I now realise probably wasn’t exactly helpful.
My DD is now 6 and I’m now pregnant with my new DP (his first baby) and I feel much more that I’m going into it with open eyes and more realistic expectations about both of our roles.
PS there were lots of other issues in my relationship with my ex too, it wasn’t solely that.

@Sandybdnas, I doubt that the OP is spending half an hour in FaceTime with her parents during the bed time routine.

The fact the dd was grumpy was normal. End of the day so more tired. And a big change of routine (the OP wasn’t there, not quite the same routine etc..). For a baby that is so reliant on routine to be able to sleep. It is a big issue.
That also means this was NOT the time to FaceTime his parents (he could have done that later on).
Nor was it Ok to be proud to have made her sleep. Probably easier in him I’m sure. But clearly he had no idea of the cost the OP would have to pay.

I did have a DM who micromanaged everything and a DF who barely ever looked after us because he was always working, so when he did take care of us he made it up as he went along and then got shouted at for it and it was the biggest source of stress in their marriage even when Dbro and I grown. She did everything because she thought he'd fuck it up, so when he tried he was a bit useless sometimes, she yelled at him and he felt more useless, he got demoralised, she felt she had no support.

Same with my dad, you can't really win in that situation.

But clearly he had no idea of the cost the OP would have to pay.

He offered to stay up. He might well be purely useless, but sounds like he hasn't had a chance, and gets berated when he does, so surely his next step is not to bother as he will get grief either way. As a PP has said about their parents, mine were the same and as the child it was exhausting.

He sounds like he hasn’t got a clue what he’s doing and has been more of an observer. He obviously needs more practice and instructions (though you’d think he’d have picked it up by now).

[quote Sandybdnas]@RockWrass but you're allowing your DH zero choices in what he does with her then, you wouldn't call for 30 minutes because that's interactive play time according to your routine. Do you not think things like that are a bit controlling? I get the night routine and think you should leave him up with her at night etc if he deviates.[/quote]
Imo any parent should be bale to voice a new strategy and do things their own way.

But only AS LONG AS
1- said parent is still offering adequate care. He wasn’t.
2- the change of routine isn’t negatively affecting the other partner which it did (and he should have known about)

If the father in this case wants a new routine, fair enough. As long as he ALSO take over the getting up at night, doesn’t expect special treatment if he is tired the day after etc...
Because just now he gave a really bad night to his DW who had to get up all night and then stormed off, leaving her to ook after said child on her win whilst he could rest/have fun/no responsibility again.
Not on