To be angry with DH, or am I overreacting?

[RockWrass]

Nc as I like my other username and don't want to be outed!

For context:
DD is 9 months. She's in a brilliant routine of
5.30pm - tea followed by bath/teeth/moisturiser/clean nappy/PJs
6.30 - 7pm - watches In The Night Garden/plays/reads books
7ish - breastfed
7.15 - put in her sleeping bag, read a final story
7.30 - asleep in her cot.

When following this routine, she generally wakes for a feed at 12ish, I bring her into our bed where she sleeps through until 5ish, has a quick feed and back to sleep until 7.30am. DH and I know that deviating from this routine means zero sleep and he, being self employed and WFH, knows this routine inside out.

Yesterday I had to be out of the house at an appointment. I left at 4.30pm and was back at 6.20pm.

Walked in and she was fast asleep on DH "having a nap." Apparently she was grouchy so he thought she needed a sleep before bed and bounced her until she went off at 6pm

She wasn't in her sleeping bag, she'd not had any milk (there is a stash in the freezer DH could have given her). DH was really pleased with himself. 10 mins later she woke up. I tried to feed her, put her in her bag, get her back off to sleep but after her power nap she was wide awake.

I then felt she was wet. Took her PJs off to find her nappy on back to front and it had leaked.
DH then said he'd fed her tea at 5pm, half an hour before she usually has it, as he thought she was grumpy. It later transpired that he'd not brushed her teeth or moisturised her (she's prone to eczema so that's important!).

He maintained that she was really grouchy and grumpy and he felt stressed. I asked him why he thought this was and he said, "no idea, I was on FaceTime to ILs the whole time and they didn't know either." I asked how long he was on FaceTime to them - he checked his call log - almost 30 mins in total, between 4.30pm and 6pm, when he put her off to sleep.

I was really cross and suggested that perhaps she was grouchy because, instead of interacting with her, reading with her and playing, he just shoved a camera in her face.

She then didn't go off to sleep until 10pm and woke up every 1hr 30. Who was up with her all night.... me.

I'm so angry because, IMO, for the 2hrs I was out, DH couldn't provide the minimum care for our daughter, probably because he was too busy playing Disney dad and showing off to ILs about what a brilliant dad he is.

We've had a huge argument and he's stormed off out for the day. He feels I'm overreacting. I feel really upset because, on the rare occasion I need to do something, I can't count on him to care for DD properly.

So - nest of vipers, reassure me that what I'm feeling is valid... or am I massively overreacting here?

I'm afraid I think you're overreacting - but that's easily done when sleep deprived.

I totally get it, he couldn't follow simple instructions to care for his own child - and you were only gone a few hours. He wasn't even bothered about basis care, teeth brushing / moisturing.

He sounds like a bit of a man child tbh, has he been left before on his own to care for her?

I would've woken him in the night when you're baby did, that's on him. No way would I have done that personally, otherwise there's no repurcussions for his actions cos you've shown you'll pick up after him.

If your dc will take a bottle then he can do some of the nights...
At 9 months I weaned ds off bf and he started sleeping 12 hours in his cot.
Napping after 3pm is nuts imo.

On the reading front we’re definitely not perfectionist parents and we read to both ours as part of a bedtime routine from 8/9 months. They both enjoy books and it helps them wind down- I’m surprised it’s not just kind of considered standard really. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t read to their kids before bed.

Yanbu at all

This is one of the most irritqtung things a father can do - recognised to the point that it’s appeared as a reverse on “the man who had it all”. So you are not alone and not over reacting.

He’s basically punished you for having any time out - and meant that it’s no extra time out for you as you pay for it down the line.

He just needed to move things forward and do the tasks allotted to that time so everyone could get some rest.

Now conveniently he’s stormed off to leave you with more work!

I get you're not being unreasonable. It's about having to always be the disciplined parent. We could all do what your husband did, on a daily basis but the effect on the kids would be awful. You need to know you can get away for a while and routines (which are there for a reason are followed). When he does this you have to pick up the pieces.
Anyway if you find the answer let me know. Mine's just as bad, I caught him giving our toddlers buttered muffins half an hour before lunch earlier 😭😭

The bottom line is, he DID meet her basic care needs.

Why is OP DHs job just to keep her alive, while OPs is to actually be a parent. If OP started a thread saying "hey everyone, I don't clean my kids teeth, her skins itchy but meh, I don't read to her I go on my phone, but what's the problem, she's alive" what would the response be.

I'm sure if she came back to all this and the DH said that he was sorry, explained that x happened, or she fell asleep by accident, OP would have been understanding. But he hasn't, he doesn't see any problem.

At nine months is the best a mother can hope for from the father of her child that he ‘at least provided basic care’?

Exactly, I know we say 'everybody fed, nobody dead' but that's a joke not a goal.

Basically one step up from neglect is considered acceptable? Or preferable to letting him know you are annoyed because of it?

I would accept a relationship where we couldn’t have an honest conversation, and I wouldn’t accept a relationship where the absolute bare minimum of childcare was completed by one parent. It is not acceptable. Some women on this thread should increase their standards IMO.

Yeah I too think he needs to be responsible for the messes he makes. It's his child too. So if he lets her nap an hour before bed...its up to him to deal with it at night.
If you keep picking up the slack for him or fixing his mistakes..he will never do it properly. That's sad for your daughter.

I had a dad who thought going to work meant he he was exempt from any childcare or even knowing much about us/our routine. That was fun .. having Mum do everything and dad sit in his chair

Absolutely furious on your behalf! I always end up saying that the 'time off' ends up not being worth it when I come home to a huge mess, wired children who have been fed the wrong thing at the wrong time and slept too long/too little. Drives me mad. Routines are there for a reason. And it's never them (DH) who have to deal with the repercussions. You are not unreasonable in the slightest as far as I'm concerned.

@MustardMitt

At nine months is the best a mother can hope for from the father of her child that he ‘at least provided basic care’?

Well if you are a mum who comes on here for support then yes - it always shocks me how this board is full of women who always side with the man (whatever he has done up to physical abuse). Is it social conditioning?

'The bottom line is, he did meet her basic needs'

He didn't brush her teeth or moisturizer her. Honestly to fecking god it's only father's who'd get away with that line. If it was a mother there'd be no excuses made for her. Pathetic

Overreacting to a single bad night that wasn't done to your military precision timetable I'm afraid.

Your DH did care for your DD, but not to your exacting standards

I'm assuming the nappy was on backwards because he hasn't changed her a lot ?

He did feed and change her, engaged her in a face time call to grandparents, and got her off to sleep.

I get that you like the routine, and so does your DD, but unless you specifically asked your DH to keep to this routine and not to deviate from it at all, then it's reasonable for him to 'parent' how he likes on the odd occasion.

I get that this change to routine meant you were woken much more, and if I were you, I'd have told him to get up and deal with DD all the extra times, so that he'll 'rethink' how he does the evening routine.

But it's totally unreasonable to be pissed that he tried something different. He is a parent too, and as such, he has as much say in 'how to parent' as you do.

I think you’re over reacting

I mean she isn’t a robot and can and will deviate from the schedule whenever she chooses

He should have changed her nappy, made sure it was on the right way, and helped with night feeds though

Guess you’ll be thinking twice about making arrangements to go out for a couple of hours again,
Won’t you?

That was probably his plan.

Note you had a row about it and HE stormed out for the day. As punishment.

Foot down now.

Explain once more that there is a routine that’s easy for him to follow and works, from 5.30 he knows exactly what needs doing and doing that avoids stress for all, piss poor sleep for all.

Then make arrangements to go out again.

And again

And again

Until he gets it.

I get that you like the routine, and so does your DD

It’s the fact it’s DD’s routine is the key point here, this bloke - her supposed father - didn’t feed her or change her, no bath, no cream, none of these things

He could have brought it all earlier give or take, but he failed to provide her basic needs.

Unacceptable

I'd be angry, yes, but I'd have made damn sure he was awake every time she cried in the night. Even if he didn't get up to tend to her, I wouldn't have shielded him from the noise, bumping around in the room, flumping back into bed, grumbling under my breath about how ridiculous and avoidable this was, etc.

If he suffers enough, maybe he'll follow the routine next time.

I'm always amazed at how many women allow men to slack off. Op overreacting? Jeez. Op, you obviously realise you shouldn't have allowed him to sleep through. His mistake, he needs to put it right. And instead of giving you an easy time today he goes off for the day? Did you have that option? He's a parent now. Men get away with this shit because of women doing everything. Yes, obviously we do it better, quicker and instinctively but you have a partner who I'm sure isn't clueless at his job so could easily parent if he had a mind to. The routine is there for his benefit as well.

LTB. Then he will have shared care of your DD and he can parent as he wishes without you checking that he sticks to your regime. Or relax a bit and recognise that until he has a chance to parent without you taking control, he will always feel excluded and that he doesn't measure up.
How will you manage when you go back to work after maternity leave OP or are making parenting your full time job?

He messed up your night and left you knackered because he is bone idle and cant be bothered to look after his own child properly and then has the gall to sleep soundly while you were up every hour and yes fuck me women on here have zero standards when it comes to men.
I'd buy a klaxon and blast him with it every single hour during the night. See how he likes it.

This has nowt to do with your AIBU but consider less baths. We went down to one or two baths a week and eczema completely cleared up.

Yanbu. But he thinks you are because he doesn’t realise that if he doesn’t follow the routine is has an impact - because it doesn’t impact on him.

I was fanatical about my DCs routine - I'm not normally routine driven at all but if it meant they slept through the night, it was worth it!

OP, I'd be pissed off if I was you, especially as it was you who had to deal with the fallout.