To be angry with DH, or am I overreacting?

[RockWrass]

Nc as I like my other username and don't want to be outed!

For context:
DD is 9 months. She's in a brilliant routine of
5.30pm - tea followed by bath/teeth/moisturiser/clean nappy/PJs
6.30 - 7pm - watches In The Night Garden/plays/reads books
7ish - breastfed
7.15 - put in her sleeping bag, read a final story
7.30 - asleep in her cot.

When following this routine, she generally wakes for a feed at 12ish, I bring her into our bed where she sleeps through until 5ish, has a quick feed and back to sleep until 7.30am. DH and I know that deviating from this routine means zero sleep and he, being self employed and WFH, knows this routine inside out.

Yesterday I had to be out of the house at an appointment. I left at 4.30pm and was back at 6.20pm.

Walked in and she was fast asleep on DH "having a nap." Apparently she was grouchy so he thought she needed a sleep before bed and bounced her until she went off at 6pm

She wasn't in her sleeping bag, she'd not had any milk (there is a stash in the freezer DH could have given her). DH was really pleased with himself. 10 mins later she woke up. I tried to feed her, put her in her bag, get her back off to sleep but after her power nap she was wide awake.

I then felt she was wet. Took her PJs off to find her nappy on back to front and it had leaked.
DH then said he'd fed her tea at 5pm, half an hour before she usually has it, as he thought she was grumpy. It later transpired that he'd not brushed her teeth or moisturised her (she's prone to eczema so that's important!).

He maintained that she was really grouchy and grumpy and he felt stressed. I asked him why he thought this was and he said, "no idea, I was on FaceTime to ILs the whole time and they didn't know either." I asked how long he was on FaceTime to them - he checked his call log - almost 30 mins in total, between 4.30pm and 6pm, when he put her off to sleep.

I was really cross and suggested that perhaps she was grouchy because, instead of interacting with her, reading with her and playing, he just shoved a camera in her face.

She then didn't go off to sleep until 10pm and woke up every 1hr 30. Who was up with her all night.... me.

I'm so angry because, IMO, for the 2hrs I was out, DH couldn't provide the minimum care for our daughter, probably because he was too busy playing Disney dad and showing off to ILs about what a brilliant dad he is.

We've had a huge argument and he's stormed off out for the day. He feels I'm overreacting. I feel really upset because, on the rare occasion I need to do something, I can't count on him to care for DD properly.

So - nest of vipers, reassure me that what I'm feeling is valid... or am I massively overreacting here?

I’ll reiterate what others have said. Until women raise their expectations, stop excusing men from having to parent, stop lowering their standards of what is expected, and stop carrying the full mental load of parenting, you can’t moan about the feckless men in your lives. These are grown ass men who should be capable of parenting and not molly coddled because they ‘got the basics right’ until we return (and in this case not even the basics!). Women should expect more, we should teach our daughters to expect more and equally our sons to expect more of themselves. Being male does not excuse you from being a grown up!

@RockWrass

I'm also quite surprised at the amount of pps who would describe a leaking nappy, no moisturiser, teeth not brushed etc as not basic, minimum care but I do understand the phrase "all fed, no one dead."

He knew I'd be 2hrs maximum. It wasn't a social, it was a genuine appointment that I had to attend. I have left her with him before for a maximum of 3hrs, a handful of times, never encroaching on bedtime though. He has never changed a pooey nappy but has, on occasion, changed wet ones. Thinking about it, this has been at MILs so maybe she actually did it.

I left everything ready - her tea just needed to be warmed through, it was in a saucepan on the hob, her plate was ready with cucumber, tomato, peppers chopped and on it. I filled up her cup and left it on the high chair with her bib. Her towel was in the radiator in the bathroom, her toothbrush and toothpaste on the side of the bath. Her PJs, nappy and moisturiser were out on the side in her bedroom.

I genuinely couldn't have made it easier for him.

In a way this is exactly your problem. He never has to think for himself or take responsibility. I honestly don't understand why you don't just hand DD I we to him when she needs a nappy change sometimes. Or alternate bedtimes while.the other person gets a break or puts your dinner on etc. You haven't set up your parenting as a partnership so he's not behaving like an equal partner.

He needs to step up. Big time.

YANBU

But the way you describe having left things in your post just above- even when you are there does DH do any parts of her usual routine? Eg you do tea then he does bath, you do breastfeed and he reads story? Maybe he needs to actually do it himself with you there first, before he can manage doing it himself- he said himself he was stressed. Could this be due to him not having the regular experience of what to do?

@stackemhigh I’ve never heard of reading TO a 9mo let alone reading with her!

Are you kidding!? That's tragic.

Hm the problem I'm seeing here is that he's had no real practice parenting has he. You've done it all for him like you would a babysitter. That's NOT a criticism btw, but by getting everything ready for him it's really coming across like you don't trust him to do it himself.

What a useless man.
And a common tactic, to make sure you don't go out again.

When I returned to work after having children, my husband did some of the childcare. It was really good for both of us. I stopped expecting everything to be done my way and accepted there were different ways of parenting.
I see here enough posts on here from women who feel micromanaged at work. Just let go and your husband will get there. It may not be exactly your way but he will learn just as you have had 9 months at home to learn.

The problem here is you getting up with her all night.

You can't really be that prescriptive about the routine, she is his child too. But when he does things his way, he does the night shifts (presumably she takes a bottle as you said milk was there for him?) When you do the bedtime routine, you do the night shifts.

He chose to create this issue knowing you would deal with the consequences. Make the consequences his.

@Nottherealslimshady
It isn't quite as simple as that though. What if the reason their dd wakes every 1.5 hours in the night when her routine is changed, is because of the routine? Ie she's never learnt to go with the flow. Iyswim. We didn't have routines with either of our dds, and they both slept 12 hours at night from 7pm absolutely regardless of whether they'd had a little nap at 6pm. Or 12 hours from 8pm, or whatever suited us that day.

@arethereanyleftatall

A grown man can't chop cucumber?? Wtf have I just read?

He can, of course, I just wanted things to be as easy for him as possible.

I'm due back to work in January, 3 days a week, and I'm dreading it. Even more so now.

I omitted this because I didn't want to make him out to be a complete arsehole but he got up and went on the sofa. In the morning he said he was tired too because he could hear her all night. My mistake was not making him deal with her but he's never done a night shift. He's never had to as she'll usually feed back off to sleep quickly with little fuss and it's hit and miss whether or not she'll take a bottle. In fairness to him, at 9.30, when she was still wide awake and having a great time with her toys, he did offer to stay up with her but I was too pissed off by that point and wanted to make sure he didn't do anything else to detriment things.

Had he left her in a wet nappy? Because it reads like you didn't notice it was wet until some time after you got in. Presumably because it wasn't wet yet.
So she wasn't left in a leaking nappy, which implies it was so full it had leaked. She had her nappy on backwards.
How in 9 months has he not done a soiled nappy? You got things ready like I might do for someone watching my kid as a favour to me. Not in a million years would I do that for her father.

Tell him the next time he does that, you're going to walk straight back out the front door and check into a hotel and he can deal with her all night.

Completely unacceptable that he left you to sort her messed up nighttime while he swanned off to bed. Why the fuck didn't you wake him up each and every time she woke you up?

Next time it’s his problem overnight. He doesn’t see the point because he doesn’t have to deal with the consequences.

He sounds shamelessly lazy.

YANBU to be angry.

I’d have killed to get any of my breastfed babies in they routine so I get why you’re annoyed.

Seems like he’s got a day off by sulking and guaranteed he won’t have to watch her again, so tread carefully.

@Halliehallie9828

He did provide minimum care for her though?

I think your over reacting personally.

Is this all that's expected of men in parenting then? The bare minimum?

"all fed, no one dead."

Why the hell is it ok for men to have such low fucking standards to look after their own baby? Especially when they won't be the ones up to deal with the consequences of their abject failure to do right by their baby when they KNEW what doing right by the baby means. And his wife!

I’ve read your updates and it sounds like you have made a rod for your own back (with him, not with the baby). You have been enabling him to do fuck all so he doesn’t know what he’s doing. You have set up this dynamic where you do everything for DD and he only has to do the fun stuff so I don’t know why you’re surprised that he couldn’t manage.

It’s reasonable to expect him to stick to a vague routine if that’s what works for your daughter but it’s not reasonable to then do everything for him in advance like his mother. And when you’re together all three of you please for goodness sake start making him change nappies etc. Fair enough when he’s at work and you’re at home of course you’re doing everything but the rest of the time there’s no reason you can’t do everything 50:50.

Of course you are not been unreasonable. He took the easy route that made your life harder.

Over reacting routines at this age will sometimes go out the window for all sorts of reasons and he isn't you so maybe just got things wrong

@RockWrass

You’re massively over reacting. It’s one day out of the routine. I get it she’s you PFB but one day won’t hurt, he’s her dad you can’t micro manage his parenting when you’re not there. She was safe and happy that’s what matters.

As above

You should have leave HIM dealing with her through the night. YOU figured out the routine by doing it daily, HE needs to do the same.

You can't say he didn't look after her properly. He did it what you think is the wrong way. Let him deal with the consequences.

Also after reading updates I think you need to back off and let him learn how to parent. Just leave him and her to it for the day, he’ll figure it out and you won’t feel like you’ve got two kids.

definitely a case of lack of practice together with not having to deal with the consequences of his (lack of) action.
The obvious remedy ... he needs more practice. LOTS of practice, and lots of dealing with the consequences. Maybe that way he will develop his own routine with your LO that works for them both (change can be good!) or realise that your routine is the best for everyone anyway.
Maybe you need to have more appointments, maybe even overnight appointments, and definitely a few days out by yourself or with friends leaving him in sole charge. And DON'T leave everything ready. He needs to be trusted and to develop his own relationship and routines.
Also, I think current advice is that babies with eczema should be bathed and treated daily. It's just baby bath products they need to avoid. People with eczema have a much higher risk of developing skin infection and daily bathing helps to lessen the risk.

when she was still wide awake and having a great time with her toys, he did offer to stay up with her but I was too pissed off by that point and wanted to make sure he didn't do anything else to detriment things

I totally understand where you come from
but you must realise that it's the best way for your partner to never do anything.

Frankly, if my DH was criticising my parenting (or the way I clean etc..) I would leave him to it and refuse to lift a finger.