To be angry with DH, or am I overreacting?

[RockWrass]

Nc as I like my other username and don't want to be outed!

For context:
DD is 9 months. She's in a brilliant routine of
5.30pm - tea followed by bath/teeth/moisturiser/clean nappy/PJs
6.30 - 7pm - watches In The Night Garden/plays/reads books
7ish - breastfed
7.15 - put in her sleeping bag, read a final story
7.30 - asleep in her cot.

When following this routine, she generally wakes for a feed at 12ish, I bring her into our bed where she sleeps through until 5ish, has a quick feed and back to sleep until 7.30am. DH and I know that deviating from this routine means zero sleep and he, being self employed and WFH, knows this routine inside out.

Yesterday I had to be out of the house at an appointment. I left at 4.30pm and was back at 6.20pm.

Walked in and she was fast asleep on DH "having a nap." Apparently she was grouchy so he thought she needed a sleep before bed and bounced her until she went off at 6pm

She wasn't in her sleeping bag, she'd not had any milk (there is a stash in the freezer DH could have given her). DH was really pleased with himself. 10 mins later she woke up. I tried to feed her, put her in her bag, get her back off to sleep but after her power nap she was wide awake.

I then felt she was wet. Took her PJs off to find her nappy on back to front and it had leaked.
DH then said he'd fed her tea at 5pm, half an hour before she usually has it, as he thought she was grumpy. It later transpired that he'd not brushed her teeth or moisturised her (she's prone to eczema so that's important!).

He maintained that she was really grouchy and grumpy and he felt stressed. I asked him why he thought this was and he said, "no idea, I was on FaceTime to ILs the whole time and they didn't know either." I asked how long he was on FaceTime to them - he checked his call log - almost 30 mins in total, between 4.30pm and 6pm, when he put her off to sleep.

I was really cross and suggested that perhaps she was grouchy because, instead of interacting with her, reading with her and playing, he just shoved a camera in her face.

She then didn't go off to sleep until 10pm and woke up every 1hr 30. Who was up with her all night.... me.

I'm so angry because, IMO, for the 2hrs I was out, DH couldn't provide the minimum care for our daughter, probably because he was too busy playing Disney dad and showing off to ILs about what a brilliant dad he is.

We've had a huge argument and he's stormed off out for the day. He feels I'm overreacting. I feel really upset because, on the rare occasion I need to do something, I can't count on him to care for DD properly.

So - nest of vipers, reassure me that what I'm feeling is valid... or am I massively overreacting here?

No we just pick baby up and get on with it. Why doesnt he?

Well quite. That is the question his wife should be asking him.

Just imagine being a struggling mother of a nine month old baby, and being told you’re a martyr (repeatedly) that only woman have a biological drive to look after babies, that fathers have to be taught (in a way that mothers, miraculously, don’t) and that it’s your fault your baby’s father is useless. And to make it better you should continue to do all the baby’s care but withhold sex and/or dinner until he gets the message.

On a parenting website.

@CheetasOnFajitas

No we just pick baby up and get on with it. Why doesnt he?

Well quite. That is the question his wife should be asking him.

Why does anyone have to ask him? Again, this idea you have that actual human men aren’t aware of the basic needs of a tiny, human body really isn’t helping your argument.

@Pumperthepumper

Just imagine being a struggling mother of a nine month old baby, and being told you’re a martyr (repeatedly) that only woman have a biological drive to look after babies, that fathers have to be taught (in a way that mothers, miraculously, don’t) and that it’s your fault your baby’s father is useless. And to make it better you should continue to do all the baby’s care but withhold sex and/or dinner until he gets the message.

On a parenting website.

What’s your solution then? Since you clearly disagree with the idea of talking to your partner when they are not stepping up?

Why does anyone have to ask him? Again, this idea you have that actual human men aren’t aware of the basic needs of a tiny, human body really isn’t helping your argument.

Seriously, stop embarrassing yourself by repeating an accusation that I have now answered at least twice.

What’s your solution then? Since you clearly disagree with the idea of talking to your partner when they are not stepping up?

I’d leave him. I doubt he could be told anything he doesn’t already know, so he’s choosing to not care for his own kid. I’d also take the time to argue with strangers on parenting websites that this is not normal, women do not have sole responsibility for babies, not caring for your baby’s basic needs is neglectful and makes you a shit parent, regardless of sex. Oh, and you’re not a martyr or selfish for being the only one to care for your baby properly when it’s other parent won’t.

This was my DH he would put neither have the skill or the clue about what to do. The easy option was always the one he took e.g let her sleep or watch TV. It used to infuriate me too, but don't under estimate the sleep disruption contributing to your annoyance. In years to come you will look back and see it as small stuff. Parenting goes way beyond how well he does the baby bed routine

I get what you're saying, @CheetasOnFajitas; it's a fact that some fathers seem to manage to ignore the baby's needs and do bugger all. If you are unlucky enough to realise at baby's birth that you have a husband like that, you can bring it up with him straight away (maybe within the first day back from the hospital

• on, say, the fourth nappy change??) rather than go along with the assumption that it's somehow always your job. And if he responded in any way other than "Fuck me, yes, you're right, I'm terribly sorry and I'll pull my weight from now on", then you might feel so disrespected that the relationship would unravel and you wouldn't want to do stuff for him or with him. Evidently you aren't a team.

The problem with saying all this, is it turns the spotlight back on the woman - why didn't she mention the nappies? we wonder. While really, we should wonder, what gave that man the impression that nappies weren't his job? and how can society make more of these men wake up to their responsibilities?

@CheetasOnFajitas

Why does anyone have to ask him? Again, this idea you have that actual human men aren’t aware of the basic needs of a tiny, human body really isn’t helping your argument.

Seriously, stop embarrassing yourself by repeating an accusation that I have now answered at least twice.

Because it’s her responsibility, and hers alone?

Again, I’m not the one who should be embarrassed, you’ve made an absolute dick of yourself here with your ideas of shit father needs no-sex punishment.

Overreaction in my opinion. But I get it I was a precious first time mum too. I learned though that deviating from my action plan isn't always s disaster and will now follow them loosely but will not be held hostage by them.

Just taking Saturday alone, assuming he's off work that day, there have been probably 30 Saturdays in 9ish months, all of which will have involved between 6 and 2 nappy changes probably. 60-180 times he watched her get up to do it. Why? Why?

@Pumperthepumper

Just imagine being a struggling mother of a nine month old baby, and being told you’re a martyr (repeatedly) that only woman have a biological drive to look after babies, that fathers have to be taught (in a way that mothers, miraculously, don’t) and that it’s your fault your baby’s father is useless. And to make it better you should continue to do all the baby’s care but withhold sex and/or dinner until he gets the message.

On a parenting website.

This. Thank you Pumper.

I'm genuinely more and more perplexed by this thread.
I have never hogged my baby. She's my baby. My first baby - I adore every inch of her - of course I'm going to go above and beyond to care for her. I have no family to help, we are in the middle of a pandemic, DH is self employed and worked every hour under the sun. I don't volunteer to change her nappies, I just get on and do it. It's a non-event. She poos, I change her.

Particularly spectacular ones in the newborn days, I'd shout to DH to run a bath or grab a clean vest etc, and he'd do that but I have never turned around and said "DH, your turn, I'm going to sit on MN for a bit." I just do it likewise, anything she needs, I just do it. Is that hogging her?! I don't know, but I just do it because I'm her mother and I adore her.

I certainly am not going to withhold sex from DH until he learns to change a nappy correctly - WTAF!! Also - how much sex do you think is involved with a teething 9 month old. I'm shattered by the end of the day and generally ready for bed not long after DD goes to bed.

This thread was started as a bit of a rant and also as a bit of a test because I genuinely didn't know whether I was BU or not. I certainly didn't expect to be called a martyr, anxious, a bad wife, a baby hogger...

And in honesty, if I do "hog" my baby - shoot me. I didn't realise it was such a bad thing to love my baby and go over and above to make sure she's happy and well cared for.

@Pumperthepumper

What’s your solution then? Since you clearly disagree with the idea of talking to your partner when they are not stepping up?

I’d leave him. I doubt he could be told anything he doesn’t already know, so he’s choosing to not care for his own kid. I’d also take the time to argue with strangers on parenting websites that this is not normal, women do not have sole responsibility for babies, not caring for your baby’s basic needs is neglectful and makes you a shit parent, regardless of sex. Oh, and you’re not a martyr or selfish for being the only one to care for your baby properly when it’s other parent won’t.

Would the leaving him process not have to start with telling him why you were unhappy with his behaviour? And sounds like you would also keep acting like everything else was normal right until you showed him the door. Okay.

You seem to think that by continually repeating the mantra that I have said that caring for a baby is a woman’s sole responsibility it will somehow make it true that I said that. Do what you like, anyone who is vaguely interested in this thread can read my posts for themselves and interpret them without your somewhat bizarre agenda of one-upmanship.

I do not think you are over reacting. DH should have followed the routine and fed, changed her properly. It's hard being the grown up in the relationship.... when he next has her alone for the evening, write him a list with timings then there's no excuse. I've had all this with my husband too in the early days. Now, he preset much follows the routine we've established. He still tries to take short cuts though which annoys me.

I do appreciate I need to let go slightly and within reason, let DH make mistakes. He adores her. It's not like he doesn't want to and he is great with things like housework, food shopping etc. Perhaps I am just a huge control freak. I certainly don't think I micro manage him though.

Re the nappies - he could have volunteered to do nappies, but he hasn't however when he's pulling his weight in other ways ie. food shopping/cleaning the bathroom/laundry, I am not going to turn around and say, "DH, stop folding that laundry/stop working/stop doing X - the baby has pooed." As I said before, I just do it

OP. Why has your husband never, in 9 months said to himself
“I just get on and do it. It's a non-event. She poos, I change her.* ?

You are being wilfully obtuse if you think that a husband changing nappies would only happen because the mother wants to have a break and sit on Mumsnet.

What happens when the baby poos while he is holding her?

I just do it because I'm her mother and I adore her.

I do appreciate I need to let go slightly and within reason, let DH make mistakes.

Well yes, if you want him to do things properly when you go out why not when you are there get him to do it, be nice for you as well. You both adore her, changing a nappy isn't a reflection of how much, relax when you can even if it's just for a minute!

@CheetasOnFajitas

OP. Why has your husband never, in 9 months said to himself “I just get on and do it. It's a non-event. She poos, I change her.* ?

You are being wilfully obtuse if you think that a husband changing nappies would only happen because the mother wants to have a break and sit on Mumsnet.

Says the poster arguing that it’s the mother’s responsibility! Laughable.

Everyone can read your sad little opinion here @CheetasOnFajitas

What are you talking about? I have argued consistently that the man should share responsibility for parenting the child.

Her responsibility to tell him to step up. Not to parent the child alone.

@CheetasOnFajitas

Her responsibility to tell him to step up. Not to parent the child alone.

Why? Why not his own?

Pumper, Cheetah - I agree with you both. Yes I should voice that DH should share the load but equally, he is also a parent. He should just do it.

I can’t really understand why Pumper thinks I disagree with her that the man SHOULD know when to step up. I’ve said it enough times.

Where we diverge is that she thinks that if he doesn’t do that, you should end the relationship. I think that it’s worth discussing and making your expectations clear before you throw in the towel.

Anyway thank you for being so diplomatic in the face of such an unnecessarily drawn-out side argument. I wish you all the best and hope you do find the resolve to be clear with him about what needs to change.