To think some DILs are so horrible to their MILs, especially when they have their own children?

[ivftake1]

Mumsnet makes me so sad that maybe one day I'll have a DIL who just wants to shut me out.

My own mil used to do my head in, but I really started to examine why, and it was largely a territorial thing. Which is utterly ridiculous and I've managed to let 99% of it go.

As my son gets older I realise the love she has for my husband is the same as the love I have for my son and I would hate to be pushed out just because a wife appears on the scene!

From posts I read in MN, some DIL are horrible to their MIL
Not all.
I'm not, i'm a perfect DIL.
Don't generalise.

Oh God, I'm so sorry! Just seen you put 'some' in your title. Apologies.

@Gazelda

Oh God, I'm so sorry! Just seen you put 'some' in your title. Apologies.

I was just about to say!!

I'm also a DIL and have learnt to accept my MIL and be more understanding of the fact that she must adore my husband so I need to share!

Some yeah. If you treat your DIL like a person or someone you've just met and like, you'll get on with her. If you treat her like that and she's still not friendly and you get on with everyone else in your life you know you're not the problem.

It’s a two way street. I have an amazing relationship with my MIL because she’s amazing. She’s thoughtful, generous, respectful, kind, welcoming and considerate. She doesn’t behave in an entitled way, she respects the decisions we make, she offers advice when asked but otherwise keeps it to herself, she makes me feel like a welcome addition to her family rather than someone muscling in on her relationship with her son.

As a result, I go out of my way to be inclusive and considerate to her. I involved her very closely in our wedding planning knowing she didn’t have daughters. I’ve been sharing as much with her in my pregnancy as I have with my own mum. I often arrange to spend time with her on my own accord because we get on so well.

Had she been overbearing or critical, or seen me as a threat, or been territorial, we would have a rubbish relationship now and instead of being a lovely harmonious group who enjoy each other’s company, we would be avoiding on another and dealing with rivalry and resentment.

Some threads on here where people complain about their MIL make me as many scenarios might improve by just communicating directly (politely and firmly) rather than passively expecting the MIL to instantly understand what she’s done “wrong”.

That said, I previously had a MIL who was and apparently still is, an ignorant, bigoted dumbass. And that’s me holding back and being polite. My current MIL is lovely and although she’s overstepped my boundaries once or twice I’ve told her and she’s listened and we’re friends. It works both ways I guess.

Honestly, I want a MIL I can have a close relationship with but I just can't with mine.

Having said that, I don't ever push her out and she's here all the bloody time.

@sapnupuas

Honestly, I want a MIL I can have a close relationship with but I just can't with mine.

Having said that, I don't ever push her out and she's here all the bloody time.

I don't necessarily see the world the same way as my mil but like you I include her and love how much she loves my son.

The more love the better for him in my opinion!

@ivftake1

Mumsnet makes me so sad that maybe one day I'll have a DIL who just wants to shut me out.

My own mil used to do my head in, but I really started to examine why, and it was largely a territorial thing. Which is utterly ridiculous and I've managed to let 99% of it go.

As my son gets older I realise the love she has for my husband is the same as the love I have for my son and I would hate to be pushed out just because a wife appears on the scene!

No the love you have for your son is not the love she will have for your son

Some DILs are horrible, so are some MILs.
If my MIL posted on here, I'd look evil - but there's a reason why her treatment of me means no one out of her own children, their partners, her grandchildren, her parents, her siblings and her nieces/nephews are speaking to her and they all speak to me.
It's a matter of perspective. If I posted an AIBU for why we finally went NC people would definitely think we're overreacting but it came after years of issues. And after we went NC, she really showed the whole world that we were justified.

Exactly. She loves my son so I wouldn't ever exclude her.

But, I would never ring her for a chat or go for a coffee with her. Which is a shame as I'd love to be able to.

I’m nicer to my MIL than my DH is.

Long history of emotional abuse by her and he has minimal contact.

@OhDear2200

I’m nicer to my MIL than my DH is.

Long history of emotional abuse by her and he has minimal contact.

Why are you being nice to someone who abused your DH? If he has minimal contact with her then you shouldn't be facilitating an abuser to access their victim.

Absolutely. My approach was the polar opposite to my sister in law. They have not seen MIL in years. Whereas she has been a massive part of our lives. My sons love her. I am glad I listened to DPs advice when he said it's generally best not to disagree but to secretly ignore her well meant advice.

No the love you have for your son is not the love she will have for your son

I didn't say that. I said the love I have for my son is the same as the love she has for her son (ie my husband)

Not always OP. I love my MIL :)

DH is always saying he thinks she prefers me, we speak loads more than she and DH do 😂 of course I know that's not true and she loves him a lot but yeah, we have a great relationship! She's like my second mum really.

I have no issue with MIL (FIL a different story). I don't go there as he is there but encourage Dh to take Ds and will drop them off and pick them up (Dh doesn't drive), well I did before coronavirus.

I was close to ExMIL when me and ExDH were together, we spent a lot of time together when I was on maternity leave and after. She is everything I could wish for in a Grandmother for my DDs.

She picks them up on a Friday to save ExDH faffing in rush hour traffic, that's the only time I see her now. I know she is lonely (ExFIL is a twat) but I know ExDH would not like if I went over when ExFIL is out or if we met up for lunch

It's a two way street though. You can't reason with manipulative insecure arsehole which is why most women here look for help.

Just because a woman gave birth to your partner, doesn't give her the right to treat your like shit or dictate your life.

Depends on the MIL doesn't it

My MIL doesn't show much love for our DC and completely prioritises her other son's DC. It's difficult to have a good relationship with someone who thinks that's ok!

Many MILs (and mothers of adult women) appear to have serious boundaries issues, compounded with a good dose of internalised mysoginy.
I don't think any self-respecting DIL (or adult daughter) should put up with that.

And "sharing" your husband with his mother sounds gross. Sorry OP, but your understanding of interpersonal relationships and boundaries sounds utterly twisted to me.

I really like my in-laws. However right now we're living with them and that complicates things. Living with someone is always a challenge.

I agree with other posters. It's a 2 way street. It's important to have respect. Grandparents can be very imposing and forget that it's not their children so they do not make the rules! I have read threads where grandparents insist on naming the kids, go against dietary choices, try to impose their ideas on pregnancy and labour, etc.
Parents also have to be a little flexible and accept that grandparents will spoil their kids a little bit...

Should add, my ExDPs mother is a fucking moron and that's putting it politely

YABVVVU

I have had two serious relationship in my life. The first where the man and I ended up not being compatible but I stayed with him far longer than I should because I absolutely loved his parents and got on with them so well. I was very sad to have to leave them (but not him).

The second where the man was great but his mother I am sorry to say was a controlling and manipulative bully whom everyone was afraid of especially her own husband. She made everyone's lives a misery. Very sad as I would have loved a solid relationship with my mil and at the beginning made huge efforts to please her until, much later, I worked out that she would have done her best to alienate anyone who married her son. She did have some good qualities but it was a huge shame that she let the negative ones dominate herself and everyone else.

You don't have to like your MIL. What is upsetting is the transgression of one's own feelings onto their kids and doing everything to ensure they never build a bond with their grandparents.

Not MIL, but stepmum in my case. Didnt like her at all, and was glad to have as little to do with her as possible but my kids had the right to get to know her and make up their own minds. They were close as kids and that got me closer to her but the kids picked up on her behaviour as they free older and were not as close when teenagers. It was their choice though and I gave a good conscience that it had nothing to do with my own feelings.

Keeping your children hostage because you don't like your MIL is quite selfish.