To think some DILs are so horrible to their MILs, especially when they have their own children?

[ivftake1]

Mumsnet makes me so sad that maybe one day I'll have a DIL who just wants to shut me out.

My own mil used to do my head in, but I really started to examine why, and it was largely a territorial thing. Which is utterly ridiculous and I've managed to let 99% of it go.

As my son gets older I realise the love she has for my husband is the same as the love I have for my son and I would hate to be pushed out just because a wife appears on the scene!

Ivftake1 please be reassured not all DIL and MIL have a negitive relationship. I love my mil and she loves me. We're very close and she is very close to her son, my husband and her DGD. We've had moments where we have disagreed on things but on the whole we are all one big family. She worships her DGD and were very lucky she dose. They have a wonderful bond. My SIL is also my best friend.

It’s like any situation - there are some horrendous DIL’s and there are some horrendous MIL’s.

I’m incredibly lucky because my MIL, my DH’s first MiL, and my DD’s paternal Gran are all lovely, lovely women who are kind, supportive and amazing to/with my children. My MIL is more of a mum to me than my mother ever was.

My aunt is a horrific MiL. I would not wish her on my very worst enemy. She’s overbearing, cruel and selfish. She has alienated everyone in her life and it’s entirely down to her.

BIL’s ex was an awful DIL. She treated PIL really badly.

So it’s all entirely dependent on the individual people involved.

I feel that quite a lot of dils set out with the mindset that mil is going to be the enemy from day 1, no matter how she acts. No doubt it works the other way round too, sometimes, but on balance I take the threads written by dils about their mils on Mumsnet with a huge pinch of salt. Some of them are so full of angst and drama which could all be diffused with a "come on, let's have a cup of tea and talk about it".

But this is one of them there unpopular opinions we get so many threads about on Mumsnet!

Some people are horrible to other people.

I hope that when my sons grow up I won't have some weird idea that whoever they fall in love and choose to be with should 'share' them with me. They'll be adults, adult relationships with parents are very different from small children's relationships with parents and very, very different from adult romantic relationships with one another.

@coffeetofunction

Ivftake1 please be reassured not all DIL and MIL have a negitive relationship. I love my mil and she loves me. We're very close and she is very close to her son, my husband and her DGD. We've had moments where we have disagreed on things but on the whole we are all one big family. She worships her DGD and were very lucky she dose. They have a wonderful bond. My SIL is also my best friend.

I said some!

I loved my MIL. She was kind and funny, never interfered and DH adored her. Sadly she died suddenly 3 years ago and I wish I had more time with her.

My mother, on the other hand, is a toxic narcissist and, quite frankly, a fucking arsehole. DH can't stand her and I've managed to keep a good distance between them, even when she's bleating about how she never sees us.

I think it comes down to the individual people. Some people are knobs and will rub others up the wrong way.

Iook it depends my MIL is all those clingy things and I'd look past it if she was a good person. She's not though

my MIL...
-Cried openly throughout our engagement dinner party

• let her friend insult me in her home and politely laughed when he did so
• demanded I move my wedding date to better suit her other son (who could attend all dates!)
• tried to shame me about my shoes on my wedding i wore comfy tan wedges instead of hacking my feet to bits and she kept trying to get everyone to look at my feet )
• expects to be "taken out" both when we visit and she visits us
• treats my husband like a second class citizen vs his brother
• has a "secret" saving account w/ BIL and gives him 300 a month he is 25 and has a job...
• is totally self absorbed and has to be the centre of attention

If she wasnt my MIL I wouldn't let her in my home and would have told her to fuck right off a long time ago.

I have to say on most of those threads the MILs emerge as being controlling nightmares who basically want to relive their parenting years by proxy, dictate how their grandchildren should be brought up over-involve themselves in the relationship and tend to constantly show up unannounced at awkward times.

Obviously DILs should try to be kind and respectful towards their MILs but a lot of these sound like serious boundary pushers.

Personally I'm extremely glad I don't have a MIL.

My MIL is so critical of my DH that it is difficult for either of us to have a good relationship with her. We are NC now.

I never understand the lack of self awareness in these posts.

Here's the thing if you don't want to have issues with your DIL then at least start with your own behaviour. I mean you see the warning flag that you are already martyring it up before it actually happens? I have known some awful women as DIl in one case it was so brutal it led to early deaths for two of the family (I'm genuinely not exaggerating) so I don't question the bad dil exist. However the fact you simply it will automatically happen without any fault of your own is ridiculously self absorbed.

My exmil would absolutely wail and gnash her teeth with you that a bad dil stole your son , actually my dm might join in depending on the day and yet my DP mother who is my de factor current mil without the law bit , thinks I walk on water and I think she does too.

Now of course I have made mistakes but honestly my exmil has even since admitted some of her behaviours when I had ds1 were batshot crazy but at the time it was all my fault and nothing to do with her. Yet funnily enough dp mum and I get in like a house on fire.

Barring the unlucky chance of having a genuinely nasty dil, then simply don't be an over involved judgemental self serving person and you won't get put aside....DP mum has a standing invitation , that woman could rearrange my whole kitchen (she wouldn't ever do that) and I would thank her and make a cup of tea , my exmil turns up on my doorstep I wouldn't open the door even if it was snowing and hailing. That is all down to choices in behaviour.

Do we get many fathers all concerned about ''sharing'' their married daughters with their son in laws?

Do many dads worry about being ''pushed out'' by their daughters boyfriends?

Isn't all this a bit weird OP?

I think some mothers of sons are a bit odd.

My mil is lovely and we get in fine. My mum is also lovely and gets on really well with one of my sils but the other is awful and was especially awful to my mum. In fact, she gets on with none of us. She’s made it clear that if it was up to her, my brother would have nothing more to do with any of us.
We’re polite and civil if we ever do cross paths but we all know the score really and are much happier when we see my brother without her.

I love my MIL.

She's not even my MIL anymore as I'm divorced.

My ex is estranged from his entire family and my relationship with my ILs has become much stronger since the divorce. He didn't outright forbid me to see them (that would have been too obvious), it was a drip, drip of obstacles so it became easier to not see them.

Fortunately they love me and their grandsons too.

My own mil used to do my head in, but I really started to examine why, and it was largely a territorial thing. Which is utterly ridiculous and I've managed to let 99% of it go.

Why should people let it go though? However I get treated, I give the same treatment back. Fair is fair.

She loves my son so I wouldn't ever exclude her.

But, I would never ring her for a chat or go for a coffee with her. Which is a shame as I'd love to be able to.

I tried, even seeing her on my own many times when DC was a baby, DH was at work and I was on maternity leave. Nowadays she doesn't even have my mobile number. It was clear it was never going to work, and that once DC had passed the cute baby stage she would mostly lose interest. She was this way with her own son, so I had no reason to believe his child would be any different. It's disappointing but that's life.

There was a cordial relationship before DC came along and about twice-yearly contact. Things have reached the same point now, but with some animosity present from their side. IMO the biggest favour I can do everyone concerned is step out of the equation entirely and allow DC (and in a secondary sense, DH) to have a relationship with her without my involvement. I don't visit, and if I have something else to do when she visits here I go ahead and do it. I don't actively plan to be out of the house when she comes, but neither do I go out of my way to be around.

I never had an issue with her in the past - and was around for a good 15 years before we had children - and I didn't think she did with me. But SiL did. And MiL, who is the easily-led type, seems quite happy to influenced by that.

I don't choose that situation and it's a shame, for DC particularly. But unfortunately there is nothing I can do about it and I've long since made peace with that.

nb both my parents are dead and while my relationship with my ILs is quite different to how it was with my parents, I do treasure that they are in our lives.

My MIL is very toxic and has treated my DH appalingly. The fact she is his mother does not excuse her horrific behaviour. She is a bully and emotionally abusive. Everyone is afraid of her, including her husband who enables her shitty behaviour towards her children, which makes him equally culpable in my opinion. If she posted on here I would be the worst DIL in the world. When in my (biased) opinion, I take very good care of her son but have been the first person to ever stand up to her narcissistic, controlling, manipulative behaviour. Its a two way street, and a good MIL-DIL relationship requires both parties to work hard to keep it that way, rather than one pissing over everyone to mark her territory.

Some DILs are horrible, but some MILs are genuinely horrible, too. And then there are all the others who get on reasonably well or are even friends.

I wouldn't spend too much time worrying about your future DIL just because some on MN hate their own MIL. For every woman complaining about her MIL, there's a man out there (usually not on MN) who hates his MIL or FIL, too, so it's not the sole province of the "mother of boys".

If you are friendly to your future DIL, treat her with respect and don't interfere in her relationship with your son, all will be well, so long as your son has the sense to choose someone equally decent and friendly.

Not all MIL were great mothers though - some are and always have been fundamentally self obsessed ... and DH might have his own scars because of that . Life’s not black and white sadly .

Point taken - though I’d be sad if my sons didn’t contact me because their wives thought I was a pita

No the love you have for your son is not the love she will have for your son

Thats not what the op said though.
@Leaannb if youare going to pull someone up, at least get it right.
As my son gets older I realise the love she has for my husband is the same as the love I have for my son and I would hate to be pushed out just because a wife appears on the scene!

I don't necessarily see the world the same way as my mil but like you I include her and love how much she loves my son.

I worry about this too, I’d hate to be one of those MILs that get discussed... however... my MIL is one of the worst people I’ve ever met.

She has a relationship with my son but I limit her relationship with me because of her past behaviour. I hope I’m nothing like her.

You have to remember that the vast majority of posts on here, and other forums, are when an issue has arisen. Very few people bother to post a “I love my MIL/DIL and life is 100% perfect” thread so it is natural that you will see a lot of “MIL/DIL is a bitch” threads.

Everyone is different, some MILs are possessive and controlling when it comes to their children, and some DILs/SILs are no doubt the same. If you are a nice person and respect other people’s boundaries then you have no reason to assume that a future DIL (or SIL!) will automatically hate you.

YABU here on MN. This is a place were many women come to be unfeminine, to step outside their social, familial restrictions and air their thoughts.

For some venting here makes it easier to cope with their real life issues

For some it helps come to a resolution, imnproives communication etc

For others it allows the poster to draw a line in the sand and regain control over that part of their lives.

What you see is the unhappy DILs, and MILs. Not those who have a more normal, friendly, untrammelled relationship.

Both my M and FIL are a fucking nightmare. She is overly involved and judgemental, dressed up as being concerned and loving. He is rude, critical, narrow minded, intensely judgmental and frankly a bit (a lot) of a dickhead. Not my doing. As a result I have pulled away from them, which they also resent. I put up with it for many, many years but life is too bloody short.

I tried so hard to get along with my MIL but because her DD didn't like me due to being best pals with DPs EX she stood in solidarity with her DD. It ruined her relationship with DP, she refused to acknowledge me or my DC and now years and years later I'm pregnant with our DC she's trying to be kind and interested. I told DP I think we should give her the benefit of the doubt but for him to much has gone on. It's not always the DIL who are the problem or who control the relationship that the MIL has with that entire family Unit