To think some DILs are so horrible to their MILs, especially when they have their own children?

[ivftake1]

Mumsnet makes me so sad that maybe one day I'll have a DIL who just wants to shut me out.

My own mil used to do my head in, but I really started to examine why, and it was largely a territorial thing. Which is utterly ridiculous and I've managed to let 99% of it go.

As my son gets older I realise the love she has for my husband is the same as the love I have for my son and I would hate to be pushed out just because a wife appears on the scene!

My ex mil was amazing- in fact I had 2 as there was also a step mum involved. I adored them both and stay in touch with them
Current mil is literally the most insipid, dull person I know. She has zero opinions of her own and just regurgitates her bigoted husbands racist and homophobic bullshit. The only opinion she has is how I should raise my kids. Sadly as a result my kids have grown up not really knowing her and are all teenagers now who don’t want to forge that relationship themselves

I think the key is to step back and not be completely overbearing. I don’t particularly like my MIL but I’ve never been horrible to her, DH isn’t her biggest fan either (he never has been, nothing to do with me!) but he tries to be civil. If our door isn’t locked she just lets herself in which is a big no no- don’t do this to your DIL!

Some DILs literally cannot win with their MILs because the MILs will find fault in everything they do because the DIL is doing it not the MIL (i.e. living with the son).

I've reduced contact with my MIL because she was being really unfair to me and I realised nothing I could do would make her happy. Yesterday she phoned DH and was really unfair to him because she expects him to run around after her. He works full time especially this time of year plus he has 2 DC and a wife. She is retired with lots of time on her hands and admits she can't be bothered to sort her own stuff. So she gets me to do it because I'm helpful and then complains to everyone about me. Now she's transferring that to her son and he's refusing to take her shit. So sometimes no matter what son's and DILs do, MULs will complain. And that's when DILs come on here to vent because they are choosing to keep the peace and not vent at the MIL.

The problem seems to be the idea that the wife is the manager and customer service person of the family, so she keeps in contact with both sides, sorts out their problems, facilitates relationship with dc, etc. If there is no contact, that means wife has done a shit job. She is also totally responsible for child raising so any disagreement about it is also her fault.

No! Each person is responsible for the relationship with their own mother. One mother each. And each person is responsible for child raising and handling questions and complaints on that front from their own side of the family.

Every time I read on here "my MIL wants me to bring the dc around" "my MIL doesn't like the present I got her" "my DIL never phones me" I just think why is DIL expected to do this? If your own son doesn't bother to contact you, that's a problem between him and you, a random stranger (to you) that he happened to marry has nothing to do with it.

Why is there an expectation that DIL will love and care for MIL like her own mother, but the son won't love or care for even his own mother?

I think society has changed and people are less tolerent of bad behaviour. Women are sick of being expected to just put up with it

My MIL is horrible to me so I don't bother with her. Her DM was horrible to her DIL and she put up with it as it was more expected of her to do so. i.e divorce was frowned upon, she relied on her DH etc. My MIL was just repeating her Mother's behaviour and can't see what the issue is.

I'm sorry but I could hardly walk and hadn't been able to shower in hospital and needed my mums help to wash. I shouldn't feel obligated to have in laws visit in a tit for tat way because I needed my mum, nor should I have to forgo my mums help because it wouldn't be fair on my inlaws to not be there on the same day. Ridiculous. I've just had a baby and am entitled to dignity.

Exactly what @FlyNow said. Women are sick of doing all the life admin and taking care of both sides of the family. Also a lot of MILs refuse to see any fault in their son. A lot of issues stem from the relationship between son and mother, not DIL.