To think some DILs are so horrible to their MILs, especially when they have their own children?

[ivftake1]

Mumsnet makes me so sad that maybe one day I'll have a DIL who just wants to shut me out.

My own mil used to do my head in, but I really started to examine why, and it was largely a territorial thing. Which is utterly ridiculous and I've managed to let 99% of it go.

As my son gets older I realise the love she has for my husband is the same as the love I have for my son and I would hate to be pushed out just because a wife appears on the scene!

@crowsfeet57

I must be very lucky. I have a lovey DDIL who always includes DH and me.

I am respectful to her though, I always defer to her wishes for DGS and never ever give an unasked for opinion. To be fair she and DS are absolutely lovely parents.

Perfect!

I loathe my MIL. Cannot stand her.

I really adore my MIL. I am Spanish and I don't have any close family in the UK and MIL really feels like a second mum. Sometimes she can be a bit annoying but I know she means well and she is very nice to me.

I hate the threads where PIL are not allowed to visit for a month when the Mum's side are allowed from day one.

Surely you can understand this to some extent though? A month is clearly an exaggeration, but I totally understand why a woman who has just given birth would be happy to welcome her own mother right away but not her mother in law.

As I said up thread I really love my MIL, but that doesn’t mean I want to see her when I’m bleeding and have my tits out trying to recover from birth and establish breastfeeding. I would gladly welcome her as soon as I’m ready, but I might be ready to see her a little later than I’m ready to see my own mum. In that moment it’s not about the relationship between the grandparents and the grandchild - it’s about the relationship between the woman who has just given birth and her mum. Of course that will be different to her relationship with her MIL, however well they get on.

Laiste
I'll be blunt - i think a lot of the time when MILs feel 'pushed out' it's because their sons are shite at being bothered to keep in contact with their mothers.

Far from the DILs being one putting up barriers they are usually the ones saying ''Ring your mum it's been a week. Write this card. Text and let her know x, y, z'' ... and the wonderful son eye-rolling and humphing!

This is so true

Gosh, why judge other families based solely on your own experience. If you have a great relationship with your MiL then that brilliant and you are very lucky. Unfortunately after over a decade of bending over backwards to please mine, I’ve come to the realisation that my life is much more peaceful without her in it. She is a very toxic person and causes nothing but distress to many people. The fact that she is my MiL is besides the point. Some people are worth having in your life and some aren’t and that is that.

I think a lot of problems with MILs would evaporate if they just realised that they had their time. They had their boyfriend, then their husband, then their children. Their child is no longer a child. Their preferences, opinions and needs do not take precedence over those of their child and the couple.

I have no idea why MILs seem to feel so entitled- to their sons time, children, money, whatever it is.

Perhaps I'm not getting it because my own mum has always been very live and let live, do what you need to do, do what makes you happy etc. It would never occur to her to make demands, or guilt trip, or manipulate or put subtle pressure on her kids because of her own preferences, yet reading stuff on here and in my own experience, so many MILs do.

Me and my mil don’t have the best of relationships however she only sees the dgc because of me. Dh would never bother unless it was a special reason like a family event.

However there have been many many times I’ve not wanted to be in her company because of things she’s said/written or done and could of quite easily if led to console the NC because dh wasn’t fussed about going around anyway.

If you tell your son his an idiot and stupid for getting engaged yeah I’m going to hold that against you forever, if you imply my child should be aborted yeah I’m not going to want you to babysit, if you ask to do something and I say please don’t do Y because of X and I find out you’ve done Y no you won’t be aloud to be alone with then again until they are much older. If you walk into my home and moan about my dusting or ironing then I’ll see you from the door step only and you won’t be invited in because it’s always my cleaning or clutter never Dhs and even if it is apparently I should short it. Nah.

I hate the threads where PIL are not allowed to visit for a month when the Mum's side are allowed from day one.

That's exactly what a MIL from hell would say.

If your husband has major surgery, no one will bat an eyelid if he doesn't want visitors for a while, in-laws included and stick with his parents.

Instead of focusing on the new baby, a bit of respect and consideration for the new mother would go a long way.

Some DIL are horrible but are so are some MIL. I think on MN you're more likely to get people complaining about their MIL becasue they want to vent or their MILs are particularly awful - people don't generally remark on ordinary or where there is no issue.

I've spent a lovely day with mine, she is lovely and we get on well.
Whilst I understand I'm no substitute for her own mum, she knows i'm there if she needs me.
I'm not one to try and take over though, they are their kids not mine.

I do think some dils (not mine) forget that 25% of the DNA from granny is passed down, and they are a part of the childs life too. I also feel for the poor son often stuck in the middle, not needing a backbone, but his mum and wife to get along.

@Clareflairmare

My mother in law did some really messed up things early on... I think the learning to get along with each other is a two way process. She was jealous of me. I've forgiven her and we have got along well for over a decade. She tries hard to be a good grandparent and the kids love her. I'm fond of her.

Sounds quite similar to my experience

My ex partners Mum was like another mother to me, she had a good relationship with her son and in turn with me too. Whereas my current partners Mum is the opposite. She doesn’t have a good relationship with her son (prior to me and with since being with me). She found somebody in me to blame and offload her guilt on to, now I don’t bother with her, my partner can see her as often or as little as he likes. She’s caused so much trouble over the years and shows no care toward her grandchildren. It does sadden me when I properly think about it as I didn’t not expect things to be this way.

I think the DIL and the MIL can have good relationships but it depends on the relationship with their son and how they treat their DIL. My Grandmother has 5 sons and treated their wives with as much love and respect as her own sons and they loved and looked after her too. No reason why later on in life you can’t have that situation OP.

My boyfriend doesn't have a great relationship with his parents and I've always advocated for them, feeling like he should make more of an effort with them and repair some of the distance that had grown between them.

However over the last few months I've been pretty horrified with their lack of care, support and interest during a stressful time for us. I think in my head I want the close relationship with them that my boyfriend has with my parents and yet there's nothing. It's got to the stage now where I'm going to stop trying.

I hate the threads where PIL are not allowed to visit for a month when the Mum's side are allowed from day one.

Yes, their husbands aren't allowed to have a family, but of course hers is so important to her, where the mil isn't.
They forget the dh mother and his family is important to him, too.

I like my mil and am very respectful towards her. She is a nice lady. She is very sexist due the era she grew up in which I totally understand. She sees the woman's role as solely in the kitchen and to be seen and not heard. She is always nice to me but lof course her son is priority. She rings me worrying about him driving in the snow for example. I drive a similar journey to work yet she only sees a risk to dh. She rings and moans but when she rings dh she is nice. So I know I am low down in the pecking order in her life. But I certainly don't let these small things annoy me too much.

@Devlesko
Its not about him in this moment

As always, most of this stems from weedy DHs who cannot stand up for themselves or ones who cannot be arsed with their mum but DIL gets the blame.

My MiL is fabulous. I love her. She infuriates me that she doesn't look after her health properly but she spoils us all silly, treats all my children beautifully, even the one not technically hers. I ask her advice, want her around and was over joyed when she moved much closer to be near the children. She doesn't interfere, she is on my side, and loves us all. My DH loves his mum but I'm his wife, the kids are his priority, and so it all works.

My Exes mother, otoh, is a narc witch who treats her own children like accessories. She is evil to her own son who is a pathetic specimen. Desire that he treats her like a wife and any partners as a mistress to mistreat and ignore. She is nasty to my daughter, controlling, passive aggressive and rude and I'm glad I don't see her and support my DDs decision to go minimal contact. I'm aware she tells everyone what a bitch I am but couldn't care less. I'm perfectly happy with my behaviour. His new partner is also treated shamefully. It wasn't me being a shit DIL. It goes both ways.

I think I'm a great DIL and they are both well aware that I'll be their carer in the future. Two son, one my DH and one son who lives 2 hours away with my SIL. My MIL is very thoughtful and kind, and would never want to hurt anyone, so I think that helps.

I was a lovely DIL

Until my MIL got drunk one Christmas and told me exactly what she thought of my family and my parenting.

Now I try not to give a shit and do what I can to make life easiest for DH - who also happily says he wouldn't be that fussed if he didn't see his family again.

Luckily for me he was there when MIL ripped into me and was just as appalled at the outburst.

@Devlesko Who has given birth? The DIL, or the son?

The DIL has given birth, it's all about her. It's not about the son. So that's a bad comparison you made. Only if the son gave birth, then would his PIL have equal weight.

*parents have equal weight.

If neither MiL and DiL Are dicks then they can usually find a way to rub along I think but I’m sure there are awful MiLs and Dils

Mine is a bit irritating and has very fixed Opinionated views but now I’ve found a way to deal with her we rub along okay. I know she loves the kids and I do my best to ensure they see each other often and we meet them as a family as they both benefit from that. (Having said that the rule of six has been good as DH now takes the kids on his own!)

just hope you future DiL isn’t a dick basically.

ivtake1, I agree -- the more love the better!

I'm with you OP, there is blatantly a societal norm that it's okay to complain about MILs. I remember when I had my first DD and was starting to meet other mums. In those initial conversations the subject of MILs 'being a nightmare' seemed to come up regularly, as if it would be common ground and something we could bond over. I used to nod and smile; my exMIL is awesome. Shame her son was a t**t.