To think some DILs are so horrible to their MILs, especially when they have their own children?

[ivftake1]

Mumsnet makes me so sad that maybe one day I'll have a DIL who just wants to shut me out.

My own mil used to do my head in, but I really started to examine why, and it was largely a territorial thing. Which is utterly ridiculous and I've managed to let 99% of it go.

As my son gets older I realise the love she has for my husband is the same as the love I have for my son and I would hate to be pushed out just because a wife appears on the scene!

SOME people are horrible, what else is new?

But it's a good thing that times are changing, and women have realised they can stand up for themselves, and they are in charge of themselves and their own children. A lot of upset seem to born around the arrival of a baby, and when it's about a woman in labour or with a newborn hours or days of giving birth.. then she should be respected. Even her husband has no equal voice around the time of the birth.

Respect goes both ways, and ridiculous arguments and jealousy about Christmas and birthdays never help either. Generally, a daughter will be closer to her own mother than her MIL. SOME MIL can't accept that.

In my case my mil would be ok and I could overlook her faults IF she wasnt so insistent that everyone must do as she says and now to her whilst she gives nothing back.

In fact I could even get over the fact that is totally univested in the gc but it's her steamroller attitude the these cherry on the cake I cant get past.

Also hopefully I ont have a favourite child that I declare with every new wife of gf that she is the daughter I never had and put photos up of them but none of my other sil, dil.

Or if I did do that, tone down the rest of the PA favoritism.

Basic rules seem.to be
Dont have a favourite child
Dont favour your dd over your sons
Dont go around pointing out people's faults without balancing it with some positives

I am really worried because i have three sons. I will need to learn to bite my lip which really where most mil go wrong. They want to dictate and complain.

@Shinyletsbebadguys

I never understand the lack of self awareness in these posts.

Here's the thing if you don't want to have issues with your DIL then at least start with your own behaviour. I mean you see the warning flag that you are already martyring it up before it actually happens? I have known some awful women as DIl in one case it was so brutal it led to early deaths for two of the family (I'm genuinely not exaggerating) so I don't question the bad dil exist. However the fact you simply it will automatically happen without any fault of your own is ridiculously self absorbed.

My exmil would absolutely wail and gnash her teeth with you that a bad dil stole your son , actually my dm might join in depending on the day and yet my DP mother who is my de factor current mil without the law bit , thinks I walk on water and I think she does too.

Now of course I have made mistakes but honestly my exmil has even since admitted some of her behaviours when I had ds1 were batshot crazy but at the time it was all my fault and nothing to do with her. Yet funnily enough dp mum and I get in like a house on fire.

Barring the unlucky chance of having a genuinely nasty dil, then simply don't be an over involved judgemental self serving person and you won't get put aside....DP mum has a standing invitation , that woman could rearrange my whole kitchen (she wouldn't ever do that) and I would thank her and make a cup of tea , my exmil turns up on my doorstep I wouldn't open the door even if it was snowing and hailing. That is all down to choices in behaviour.

I'm not a MIL, I'm a DIL.

Talk about self awareness...

My MIL is kind, generous, funny and means well. We get along fine and I try to include her and make sure there's no 'granny favouritism' with regard to DC.

The problems, such that they are, which I have with her are threefold: firstly, we are very different people, have very different interests and see the world very differently. This isn't in itself a problem, except that due to the MIL/DIL relationship, I am obliged to spend much more time in her company than our mutual interests warrant. Luckily, we can always fall back on talking about the DC and she gives me (mostly helpful and non-interfering) advice regarding them. Secondly, she is something of a control freak, which she admits herself. She can't stand people cooking in her kitchen but she and FIL have very different eating habits to ours, which makes it awkward when we're staying with them and I really need to feed breakfast and lunch to DC to prevent them getting grumpy and moany. Before we had DC, we could get to 5pm in their house without any food being made or offered. But that was fine in her opinion because we'd had a big dinner the night before .

Finally, she and I don't have the same love for DH. She loves him with the all-encompassing unconditional love of a doting mother, whereas my love for DH is very much dependent on him behaving like a decent human being and not a lazy arse. Which makes it difficult for her when I'm laying into him for not helping with DC and lazing about in bed. Because, in her eyes, her little boy is tired and needs his rest, and really I should be bringing him toast and coffee in bed like she does.

I had a wonderful DIL.

Then my son and her split up.
He met someone else. They have been together for a good number of years now and have a child.
She doesn't like me or talk to me because I refuse to stop having a relationship with my ex DIL.
Such a shame.
I still have a great relationship with my ex DIL though.

@SummerHouse

Absolutely. My approach was the polar opposite to my sister in law. They have not seen MIL in years. Whereas she has been a massive part of our lives. My sons love her. I am glad I listened to DPs advice when he said it's generally best not to disagree but to secretly ignore her well meant advice.

Because I think it’s complicated and she’s had a tough life. I ALWAYS prioritise my DH.

I also think she’s got undiagnosed ASD. Not excusing her but it explains a lot!

Areggghh quoted the wrong person!!!

I wouldn’t exclude mine but she drives me round the bend.

My idiot DH confessed that his mother tried to stop him proposing to me. I wish I didn't know that, but can never forget it. We've been together 6 years (4 married) and I try my hardest to get on with my MIL but we are very different and it's very clear that she still doesn't think I'm the right woman for her son.

MIL/DIL relationships go both ways.

@ivftake1 Your thread is about MIL vs DIL. Shinyletsbebadguys post was addressing that exact issue. You're a mother of a son. So you will be a MIL eventually. Presumably?

Lets indeed talk about self awareness ...

You are being disingenuous, your post was about being pushed out in the future as a MIL .

I think your response to one thing and deliberately misconstruing it says a huge amount in support of the fact that behaviours cause their own issues.

In fairness I shall run the same system I always do and opt out. Good luck OP.

I think you're being a bit harsh on DILs tbh. I'm sure lots of MNers get on perfectly well with their MILs. The ones who post 'horrible' things here about their MILs generally have horrible MILs who are reaping nothing more or less than what they've sown. There are a lot of unreasonable, unpleasant, often mentally unstable people out there, most of whom have family members struggling to know how to deal with them. If you aren't one of those difficult people, then you don't need to worry about being 'pushed out' by your DIL in due course. In the meantime, those who are struggling with their MILs (or anyone else for that matter) ought to be able to post without being accused of being horrible.

@thepeopleversuswork

I have to say on most of those threads the MILs emerge as being controlling nightmares who basically want to relive their parenting years by proxy, dictate how their grandchildren should be brought up over-involve themselves in the relationship and tend to constantly show up unannounced at awkward times.

Obviously DILs should try to be kind and respectful towards their MILs but a lot of these sound like serious boundary pushers.

Personally I'm extremely glad I don't have a MIL.

Totally agree. Most of the " horrendous DIL" are usually sticking to their boundaries and the MIL dont like it. They usually bully everyone and are overbearing nightmares. Mine was lovely, she treated me like a daughter. I miss her so much

I totally agree OP

My big sticking point is women bitching about their MIL’s who are providing FREE CHILDCARE but falling short of their exact specific standards...

What is it about this situation which binds women to them being GIANT CF’s? I see it a fair amount women getting angry and shitty because MIL gave little Delila a chocolate button but Delila isn’t allowed chocolate!!!!

If you don’t like it...pay for professional childcare. Having the option of free childcare is a luxury many don’t have.

I love my MIL btw, she’s a lovely lady.

“A son is a son 'til he gets a wife, but a daughter is a daughter all her life. ”
Old but too often true. My ex MIL never thought I was good enough for her baby boy. Etc etc!
As a MIL to 2 wonderful women, I regard myself as very lucky that they have joined the family. We all had Christmas dinner together last year including one of the other sets of parents. We are all different people but we make it work well. I do not interfere in the raising of my DGC. I do support as much as I can. On their terms. Always. It can be wonderful OP.

i think its both DILs and MILs sticking to their boundaries that causes the issue. A bit of give and take is needed especially over things that arent essential

My MIL and I get on fine. We are totally different people, from totally different backgrounds, living in different countries. But we respect one another.

My MIL is a sweetheart.

I would love to have a good relationship with my MIL, especially as I lost my own parents a long time ago. I can't though, I've given up.

@Kaiserin

Many MILs (and mothers of adult women) appear to have serious boundaries issues, compounded with a good dose of internalised mysoginy. I don't think any self-respecting DIL (or adult daughter) should put up with that.

And "sharing" your husband with his mother sounds gross. Sorry OP, but your understanding of interpersonal relationships and boundaries sounds utterly twisted to me.

All of this with bells on.

Keeping your children hostage because you don't like your MIL is quite selfish.

That depends on the reason for the dislike I think. Sometimes I think it’s the parents’ responsibility (both parents) to keep their children away from certain people. As an extreme example, I’m sure there was a thread on here where a MIL was racist towards the DIL and mixed-race grandchildren. Constant little comments about the children’s hair etc, but still expected to see them frequently.
Even as a less extreme generalisation, someone who consistently treated me like shit but expected me to facilitate a relationship between them and my children wouldn’t get very far.

I say this as someone with a great relationship with my MIL, so I’m not saying this to defend something I’ve done.

My MIL hated her own MIL (DH adored his GM, she was his favourite GP), she also hates all of her SILs (everyone of FILs sisters and SILs and her own brothers wives, she has already managed to get rid of one DIL and is stuck with me.

I am not the problem in this relationship. She is a horrible, clingy woman who only likes woman born into her family. Nothing I can work with there. I tried, I really tried. Now I do just enough but no more.

Mine is odd, and tbh one of the issues I have with her is that she sometimes treats dh rather poorly.
He doesn’t much notice. I guess we all have low expectations around her 😁

Some DILs are horrible to their MILs, some MILs are horrible to their DILs. I live hundreds of miles away from mine, so rarely see her. We get on fine on a superficial level. She says the occasional thing that makes me have to bite my tongue. I'm not sure she likes me that much but she's perfectly pleasant to me.
Having a son myself didn't make me re-evaluate my relationship with my MIL at all tbh.

Mine was vile to me and willfully endangered my child's life.

She can quite rightly fuck off.

I’ve never had one, both mine had died before I came along. Both of them have been described to me in great detail and I really wish I’d met them. The first died when her son was 13 and he will never get over it.