To think some DILs are so horrible to their MILs, especially when they have their own children?

[ivftake1]

Mumsnet makes me so sad that maybe one day I'll have a DIL who just wants to shut me out.

My own mil used to do my head in, but I really started to examine why, and it was largely a territorial thing. Which is utterly ridiculous and I've managed to let 99% of it go.

As my son gets older I realise the love she has for my husband is the same as the love I have for my son and I would hate to be pushed out just because a wife appears on the scene!

@TheHouseonHauntedHill

The other major element is the strength and type of Mil and her ownership son's relationships. Usually an extremely dominant Mil, with a person pleaser ds. Forced to comply rather than wanting too. This then leads to the relationship ball being dropped when he finds some one serious. Mil shits on that someone serious and then her own non existent relationship with her son fails. And she blames... Dil.

It's not dils job actually to facilitate relations between her and her own son. Mils who are kind, genuinely interested in their ds... Will continue to chat, hang out and be part of their lives.

This is exactly right.

And agree about the entitlement. Wierdly, I see this with dogs (and horses). Those people that go straight in, monopolise the new dog, make it all about them, start leaning over it and rubbing their hands all over it's head, are the ones that get bitten. The people that have the wisdom and humility to stand back a bit, wait until it can detect some "welcoming signals" from the animal, and even then approach with caution, maintain respect for its space, are the ones that go on to bond well.

I love my MIL.

Pre Covid I would see her every second weekend. We can sit and talk shit all day it’s great

My mum and husband also have a good relationship and are very comfortable when we spend time together

My ex deceased MiL was a nightmare. Not just with me. She was with everyone. Fortunately the ex in one of his few redeeming points wouldn't take any nonsense from her. His issues came from the way his mom was. Hers came from her childhood. Indeed I married into a family that took on a mirror of my own. Dysfunctional to be polite

My 2nd MiL was the total opposite. I loved her dearly. My 2nd husband unexpectedly passed nearly 3 years ago, her eldest son.

When my husband was unwell the year before things became strained between us. We always sorted them.

When my husband passed a couple of members of his family caused chaos. They had gone the same when there dad passed in 2002 with other in their family

Unfortunately it caused chaos right through the family as it had when there dad died. Too long to go into.

Needless to say my husband mom who is in her 80s backed off which was devastating. My husband would be livid with them all over this.

I have worked through it. I consider myself blessed with what I do have friends and my side wise. I have a fulfilling blessed life

I do the right thing (they don't live local) I sent a card at Christmas with a newsy letter and a card for my MiL birthday. I dont hear anything back. I don't expect too.

I have some contact with a couple of members of the family and contact with some neices too.

Each situation is person to person. I have a good relationship with my DiL's and have ensured i stand back. If anything I am too laid back at times cos of the way my ex deceased MiL was

I have 3 dils, 2 are lovely but one is a very jealous girl who is very sensitive if one grandchild happens to get something more than her children, it's like walking on egg shells with her. I just think, Hey ho 2 out of 3 ain't bad... .. I used to let it get to me so much but then I realised it's just the way she is, unfortunately we can't choose our dils just as they can't choose us. Smile sweetly, be civil and respectful and don't get too involved in their dramas and you can't go wrong.

I miss my MIL. She has dementia and is not who she was. My husband is not close with her and has avoided her extensively for years, he has his reasons. Ive spent alot of time with her and whilst I may have been a pain in the arse at times, and she has her annoyances too, I love her to bits. 😔

I have a kind, respectful, thoughtful MIL 60% of the time, the other 40% she is a raging drunk who says and does the most abominable things. It’s made it almost impossible to maintain a relationship as there can be no trust in how she might behave next (and with our first baby on the way we are certainly not exposing them to that!!)

@TheHouseonHauntedHill yes it is. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve been so upset by it. Whenever she is due to stay I feel myself getting really tense. And as predicted she comes, she takes and takes and wants everything her way, never thinks of anyone else, never puts herself out in the slightest, then leaves. I could write a book about how awful she has been. So yeah you certainly aren’t alone!!

My MIL was lovely until we had our first child. From the minute she found out I was expecting she posted our personal news on social media, meaning my work found out when I was 4 weeks gone, potentially affecting promotion. She criticised what I ate, exercise, long hours and once baby was home she interfered constantly. Huge pressure to stop breast feeding, as didn’t do her son any harm to be bottle fed and she could ‘help’. To cutting hair before hairdresser, to cry it out which was totally against my beliefs. To sweets, and sugar and general unhealthy eating.
She has interfered in every single decision point she could. I hadn’t realised what a negative impact she had on my confidence as a mother and person, until I didn’t see her for 4 months due to lock down.
So no MILs bring it on them selves.

*emilyfrost

Don’t be an interfering bitch then and you won’t get pushed out 🤷‍♀️*

I doubt you apply your pearls of wisdom to your own mother though, that would take intelligence.

I don’t think all MILs get a hard time on mumsnet - it depends on whether they’re lovely or not.

My ex’s mum (sadly deceased) was the most kind and loving woman. I loved her as if she was my own and 20 years on from death I still miss her. Way more than her son who was the dullest whiniest bitch I’d had the misfortune to spend a decade in a relationship with (we’re now great friends) - she set the bar high as far as mils go.

My current MIL gave birth to the kindest, most helpful man I know but fucked him up emotionally as a child & teen and has contributed to a lifetime of mental ill health. She’s a snob, a bully and a know it all but on the surface she portrays herself as an eminent psychologist, a loving boastful mother and devoted grandmother. In reality she’s a horrible person - she’s nasty to people in an attempt to belittle them and make herself feel better. She even tried it with my mother (who can be a battle axe when wronged.)

For all that she picks on me, belittles me and tries to bully me - I feel sorry for her. Nobody becomes that person without issues themselves. I pity the woman. She has glints of humanity but they are few and far between. I’ve suffered 15 years of her.

Her daughters husband gets the complete opposite treatment and he thinks she’s wonderful but the daughter got wise to her behaviour early on in life and distanced herself as soon as possible so she’s trying to win favour. My partner runs about like a puppy dog waiting for approval that never comes and she treats me like shite. Two different people, two different experiences. One worth of praise the other not worth much

My first MIL was a lovely lady; kind and helpful, if a little reserved. She wasn't into hugs, but I couldn't fault her attitude towards me. When I split up with her son (he had an affair) she was mortified by his behaviour. She kept in touch with me and my Mum. When I moved in with my new boyfriend (now husband of over 20 years) she bought us a vacuum cleaner & gave us a cheque for a celebratory meal. She sent Christmas cards for a good few years. Contact gradually, and naturally, dwindled, but I couldn't fault her.
My second MIL was the best person I've ever known. The perfect balance between being involved with her grandsons when they came along, but never interfering. Warm, funny, expressive and big on hugs I loved spending time with her, on my own as well as with my husband and kids. We would talk on the phone for ages 2 or 3 times a week (and I hate making phone calls!) She died a couple of years ago and has left a massive hole in our lives.

I nursed my MIL for 2 years, 24/7

Luckily we got on

I’ve had my differences in the past with my in laws, but we have a good relationship now.
My BIL’s new girlfriend has a horrible relationship with them, they can’t stand her, and she dislikes them. Unfortunately when she first came on the scene she said a lot of horrible things to them about all of us, which started everything off badly.
She told my in-laws that they should be more grateful for everything their son had done for them, when actually before she came along they were doing his laundry, cleaning, gardening, and helping him out with school drop offs and childcare for his son. MIL even stayed over at his house regularly so she could take her grandson to school when he was working.
She was rude, and wrong, but really I think BIL is also to blame, he should have set her straight. Where did she get all those wrong ideas about us all anyway? (Others of which sounded suspiciously like opinions BIL had expressed in the past.)
In-laws though can’t accept that their son is at fault in any way, so they lay all the blame with her.
DILs and MILs are easy scapegoats when relationships become strained.

Am I the only one who is pretty ambivalent about their MIL? She's all right, but I have no desire to hang out with her.

I'm never going to be best friends with my MIL, as we are very different in almost every way and would drive each other crazy if we had to spend long in each other's company,, but she's a very nice person, and we have enough common ground to gorge a good relationship. I chat to her more often that DH does. Oddly enough, I absolutely adored her MIL, so maybe there's a generational pattern and I can expect DS to settle down with someone more like my MIL.

Forge a good relationship. Although we do both enjoy a good coffee shop brownie, and I like cooking, and she like growing fruit and veg which I can cook with, our relationship has been built partly on gorging.

I think it's an awkward relationship because the mil loves their son but not their daughter in law. The Dil loves the husband but not the mother. Obviously they can grow to like/love each other but things can easily start off badly if one party is too possessive.
In my case I don't particularly like the mil -shes not a bad person, and I would never shut her out, I just find her a bit dull and depressing. If she was an acquaintance that would not matter, but it is an effort to spend a lot of time with her as I just don't enjoy it. Particularly when she then gives her unwanted opinions on things/sucks the joy out of everything. I would love to have a genuine good relationship with her but I think it will always be dutiful rather than a pleasure. Obviously her son doesn't want to see her without me there, as often seems to be the way!

It ca can be warranted though.

My SIL, who is married to my brother is a saint for putting up with my DM. SIL as a DIL is so far from what my DM wanted for her Golden Child Only Son (DM also has 3 daughters, in the middle one, none of whom she is remotely bothered about).

As such, DM is extremely territorial, nothing is ever good enough, and she puts SIL down whenever she gets a chance. I feel really sorry for SIL, as it can see it must be a nightmare for her.

@Joeblack066

“A son is a son 'til he gets a wife, but a daughter is a daughter all her life. ” Old but too often true. My ex MIL never thought I was good enough for her baby boy. Etc etc! As a MIL to 2 wonderful women, I regard myself as very lucky that they have joined the family. We all had Christmas dinner together last year including one of the other sets of parents. We are all different people but we make it work well. I do not interfere in the raising of my DGC. I do support as much as I can. On their terms. Always. It can be wonderful OP.

Just because something rhymes doesn’t make it true.

I loathe massive generalisations.

I think some MIL are a nightmare and some DIL are a nightmare.

I have a lovely relationship with my MIL, we lived with her when my son was born. It was hard at first as she was expecting to 'have' my newborn son and take equal care of him.

As a FTM with raging hormones, my defensive side kicked in and I admit I was really possessive over him. I don't actually think it was a bad thing as it just put that boundary in place right off the mark (thanks new mum hormones 😂). The key thing is, she never questioned my choices or made me feel bad about this.

Of course I let her hold him and play with him and things but taking him for naps, bed, baths, night wakes, taking care of him when he was ill etc was my job, not hers. Im pretty sure I was a bit of a nightmare and she still didn't make comments about it, which I think some MIL would have done. At the same time some DIL would have made an issue about their MIL wanting to take care of their newborn and setting up their own space for baby to sleep with them, change them etc and I didn't I just said yeah we'll see how it plans out when he's here.

We moved out when my son was 1 and now she visits us and stays with us and we get on great. She's always texting me shopping lists for online ordered because she has no clue how to shop online lol. I talk to her a few times a week and send pictures and videos of my son. She loves him and he loves her.

I tell MIL she only drives me as crazy as my own mum does 😂😂 it is sort of different with my own mum though because she loves me. If I didn't have my DS my own mum would still want to call me all the time and come stay with us, I am not sure that MIL would. But I would never let that stop the relationship she has with DS or make an issue out of it, that's just normal surely!

I don't believe in favourite grandparents either, if they want to be in my son's life then they are, there is no favourites, they're all his family.

I hope I can have a MIL/DIL relationship similar to ours if DS gets married when he grows up!

My MIL was a nightmare and that's putting it lightly. I was blamed for everything, even her son's unacceptable behaviour. I think her problem was she hated women and idolised men, she hated her SIL, neice, tolerated her daughter. I gave up trying and she hated this even more, but it saved my sanity. She would say things like "I would NEVER have dumped my baby in a nursery!" She couldn't see the bigger picture of anything, it was always from her perspective.

My DS has a lovely partner, we live in different countries and don't see much of eachother. I don't give her responsibility for his lack of communication or behaviour and i see her as a person in her own right, not as someone who has to conform to my wishes. She is Italian, has her own career and is surrounded by strong women. i have to accept that if they choose to marry and have a family that I'll not be as closely involved as hers. She's a very capable young woman who knows her own mind and doesn't need me telling her how to live her life.

I am with you on this one op

SIL and I love MIL! She's ace

My first mil (deceased) could be a cantankerous old mare and even after having two DC when we told her we were expecting our 3rd DC she turned round and said I'd done it to trap him ,this is the woman who in the early stages of pregnancy with 3rd dc told me that because I wouldn't help her up from the floor I was a nasty selfish cow ,this woman was nearly 30st . She openly admitted to her youngest dc (my ex) that he wasn't wanted . The best thing she had going for her was that she loved her grandchildren.
My partners DM is lovely a real fiesty take no nonsense lady who I get on better with every time I see her ,she is 4'9 and mum to give boys all 6foot and over and her husband is over 6 foot she takes no messing from any of them and when she gets mad her Scottish accent comes out it's funny to watch 6 fully grown men run for the back door so I can see where the other dils come from when they comment on her being off with them but it's normally when they are off with her,I think it's treat your partner's parents how you want them to treat your parents

The thing is OP, people only post when they have an issue. Nobody is going to pop on to MN to tell us about their reasonable, perfectly pleasant MIL, you only see the horror stories. I get on well with my MIL, she's a nice woman who loves my children and we get on well. We have very different personalities, which I actually think helps!