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Original poster

To think some DILs are so horrible to their MILs, especially when they have their own children?

258 replies

ivftake1 · 23/10/2020 13:27

Mumsnet makes me so sad that maybe one day I'll have a DIL who just wants to shut me out.

My own mil used to do my head in, but I really started to examine why, and it was largely a territorial thing. Which is utterly ridiculous and I've managed to let 99% of it go.

As my son gets older I realise the love she has for my husband is the same as the love I have for my son and I would hate to be pushed out just because a wife appears on the scene!

OP posts:
Blueberries0112 · 23/10/2020 15:24

@Laiste

I'll be blunt - i think a lot of the time when MILs feel 'pushed out' it's because their sons are shite at being bothered to keep in contact with their mothers.

Far from the DILs being one putting up barriers they are usually the ones saying ''Ring your mum it's been a week. Write this card. Text and let her know x, y, z'' ... and the wonderful son eye-rolling and humphing!

Oh gosh, that’s what I had to do with my husband - “call and check on your mother” “dont forget to send her a card” DIL do care about MIL more than MIL like to believe.
LagunaBubbles · 23/10/2020 15:27

have learnt to accept my MIL and be more understanding of the fact that she must adore my husband so I need to share!

Eh? Why do you think relationships with the 1 person have to be "shared", why do you need to "understand" that a Mother would love her son? Confused

N0tthe0nlyfruit · 23/10/2020 15:27

I absolutely adore my MIL and yes sometimes she annoys me, but she is a good person and I love her dearly. I see a lot of advice here telling people to go 'no communication' and I think it's very divisive and excessive. None of us are perfect. My MIL is more supportive than my own DM.

BlusteryShowers · 23/10/2020 15:30

It's give and take but I also know lots of women who cut their MILs a lot less slack than they do their own mothers.

Nanny0gg · 23/10/2020 15:35

Mothers-in-Law and Daughters-in-Law are people.

Some are nice, some are nasty. Some are just OK.

Luck of the draw which you get.

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 23/10/2020 15:35

My ds 26 has been seeing someone seriously for about a year.

I think she’s lovely. I’m happy she makes him happy so that makes me like her more. I see her as a lovely extension to my family. I’d never dictate to or manipulate her. Why would l? Making her happy keeps DS happy.

I hope to keep her happy.

BlusteryShowers · 23/10/2020 15:35

@emilyfrost

Don’t be an interfering bitch then and you won’t get pushed out 🤷‍♀️
Depends what you mean by "interfering". A mother does not need to "earn" a place in her adult son's life nor should she have to tread on eggshells.
Spiderbaby8 · 23/10/2020 15:35

Like anyone there can be some nightmare MIL who are just horrible people, although going by threads on here they do seem to be in a lose lose situation sometimes. Like people will complain they can show too much attention and interfere, the next complains they are not invested enough. They spend too little on the gran kids, or they spend too much and spoil them. One thread will complain they get no support for a newborn, the next wants to be left alone. I am sure there are MIL that feel pushed out as they don't have the same type of relationship with their Son as the DIL might with their mother, I guess it's complicated.

Sodamncold · 23/10/2020 15:38

Some brothers are horrible to their sisters
Some mothers are horrible to their daughters
Come aunts are horrible to their nephews
Some BILs are horrible to their FILs
Some fathers are horrible to their daughters
Some sons are horrible to their mothers

I could go on and on

In short - your thread is daft

LadyofMisrule · 23/10/2020 15:38

I'm not keen on my current one; I find her irritating. I adored my Ex-MIL. I don't think you can generalise.

Sodamncold · 23/10/2020 15:40

@LadyofMisrule

I'm not keen on my current one; I find her irritating. I adored my Ex-MIL. I don't think you can generalise.
Of course you can’t
lostPEkit · 23/10/2020 15:43

I’ve definitely seen a few family dynamics of the kind described by Laiste - that is, DIL gets the blame for pushing MIL out when, in fact, the son/husband is the one who has said he’s had enough of his mother and isn’t going to make the effort anymore. DIL ends up doing all the work to keep things civil, e.g. buying cards etc, and then gets the blame if the card is late or wrong or whatever.

Kalula · 23/10/2020 15:51

@Pumpertrumper I see it a fair amount women getting angry and shitty because MIL gave little Delila a chocolate button but Delila isn’t allowed chocolate!!!!

In some cases these children have an allergy of some sort, and these allergies can be life-threatening, so it is a really big deal. If a grandparent doesn't believe their GC has that allergy, it could have very serious medical consequences for the child.

Blueberries0112 · 23/10/2020 15:56

And maybe they want Delila have a healthy start and not get in the unhealthy habit of junk food.

My mil was not happy that her MIL started putting butter on toast for her kids... and now her kids want buttered toast , something she was trying to avoid. It is Silly but apparently she did not feel like adding butter every morning

dancingindungarees · 23/10/2020 16:06

Mine is still predicting our marriage will never last after 20 years.

One major gem was I was only breastfeeding to annoy her as it meant she couldn't feed the baby 🙄. I also did not pay her enough attention when she came to visit us in hospital, apparently the day of a crash section under GA and a very sick baby I should be concerned about Her feelings. Quite frankly I was off my tits on morphine the Queen could have been there for all I cared.

Honestly tried everything over the years but it was never good enough. Giving her a grandchild with complex needs who won't carry on the family name has also been brought up...

crowsfeet57 · 23/10/2020 16:08

I must be very lucky. I have a lovey DDIL who always includes DH and me.

I am respectful to her though, I always defer to her wishes for DGS and never ever give an unasked for opinion. To be fair she and DS are absolutely lovely parents.

BlueJava · 23/10/2020 16:11

But bear in mind that things raised on MN are largely going to be ppl with problems. No one is going to start something saying "I get on great with MIL - discuss" and ask for advice... because well they don't need it! So what you see here is not representational of the population and their MIL issues. I get on fine with mine, she can be a little overbearing and she didn't used to realise that I actually do work when I work from home (but it only took her 2 days of sitting on the sofa by herself to get this!)

Clareflairmare · 23/10/2020 16:13

My mother in law did some really messed up things early on... I think the learning to get along with each other is a two way process. She was jealous of me. I've forgiven her and we have got along well for over a decade. She tries hard to be a good grandparent and the kids love her. I'm fond of her.

Venicelover · 23/10/2020 16:15

@LavaCake

It’s a two way street. I have an amazing relationship with my MIL because she’s amazing. She’s thoughtful, generous, respectful, kind, welcoming and considerate. She doesn’t behave in an entitled way, she respects the decisions we make, she offers advice when asked but otherwise keeps it to herself, she makes me feel like a welcome addition to her family rather than someone muscling in on her relationship with her son.

As a result, I go out of my way to be inclusive and considerate to her. I involved her very closely in our wedding planning knowing she didn’t have daughters. I’ve been sharing as much with her in my pregnancy as I have with my own mum. I often arrange to spend time with her on my own accord because we get on so well.

Had she been overbearing or critical, or seen me as a threat, or been territorial, we would have a rubbish relationship now and instead of being a lovely harmonious group who enjoy each other’s company, we would be avoiding on another and dealing with rivalry and resentment.

This is the MIL I will strive to be. I have come to love my DIL to be and I hope she feels the same way about me, the indications are that she does, but undoubtedly, there will be challenges in the future and I will try my best to see any of them from her perspective and hope we can overcome them.

Like you OP, I read some of the posts about MIL's on here and hope to goodness I will never cause any of my DIL's to write such vitriol.

Clareflairmare · 23/10/2020 16:15

What I mean is, that relationships grow and people change. You can improve most relationships if you both want to and remember no-one is perfect.

Lindy2 · 23/10/2020 16:22

I'd like to get on better with my MIL but we really don't have a lot in common other than DH.

I'm always polite but I'll never be anything like as close to her as I am to my own mum.

TeamLucille · 23/10/2020 16:23

A mother does not need to "earn" a place in her adult son's life nor should she have to tread on eggshells.

but when the son gets married, it's no longer her son's life. Boundaries and respect need to put in place.
(most normal parents do respect their own children, but you've known and raised them for 20 to 30 years or more, it's not the same)

If In Laws have no respect for the new wife, they lose all rights over her children too. If they can't be trusted with her, they can't be trusted with the kids.

You have no more rights to comment than you would with a brand new neighbour. If you start pushing your unwanted opinion, you won't see much of the new neighbours, they'll think you are bonkers.

Lardlizard · 23/10/2020 16:24

I’m afraid some people are toxic so you really can’t judge

pallisers · 23/10/2020 16:25

she makes me feel like a welcome addition to her family rather than someone muscling in on her relationship with her son.

This is the key bit for me. My MIL is wonderful and a dear friend of mine. Right from the start, she (and FIL) treated me as a welcome new person in their lives - not someone who was detracting from their relationship with dh. I honestly don't get why someone would have a "fear of being pushed out". Your relationship with your son is nothing like his relationship will be with a wife. There should be no competition about territory. As kids grow up they move away from you - friends etc become more important but it doesn't change the love and the relationship. It isn't being pushed out if your 16 year old would rather go out with friends than have a birthday dinner with family - just a natural evolution. Ditto it isn't being pushed out if a man,say, wants to have a birthday dinner with his wife rather than his mother.

TeamLucille · 23/10/2020 16:25

I see it a fair amount women getting angry and shitty because MIL gave little Delila a chocolate button but Delila isn’t allowed chocolate!!!!

if you can't show the most basic respect for the parents wishes, frankly you are the MIL from hell and can't be trusted.

I'd be angry and shitty with anyone who gives something I told them not to.

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