To think some DILs are so horrible to their MILs, especially when they have their own children?

[ivftake1]

Mumsnet makes me so sad that maybe one day I'll have a DIL who just wants to shut me out.

My own mil used to do my head in, but I really started to examine why, and it was largely a territorial thing. Which is utterly ridiculous and I've managed to let 99% of it go.

As my son gets older I realise the love she has for my husband is the same as the love I have for my son and I would hate to be pushed out just because a wife appears on the scene!

My MIL is nice and we get on pretty well, she has never tried to tell me or DH how to live our lives and values her own independance, I think this helps. FIL is a complete prick though.

I know I am lucky with my experience with my MIL though, I have friends who have awful, overnearing MIL's who have made their lives miserable even when they try to do all the right things and look the other way at MILs attitide so I do think its a two way street. If MIL is decent, you as DIL should also act decently

Generally, a daughter will be closer to her own mother than her MIL. SOME MIL can't accept that
This is one of our issues, my MIL has told us that she thinks it’s disrespectful that I contact my mother when I need advice and not her.

I have a SIL who is like another son to me and my DD has a great relationship with her Mil who is delighted to have another female in the family. We all have each other’s best interests at heart and I get on well with her in laws too.

I'll be blunt - i think a lot of the time when MILs feel 'pushed out' it's because their sons are shite at being bothered to keep in contact with their mothers.

Far from the DILs being one putting up barriers they are usually the ones saying ''Ring your mum it's been a week. Write this card. Text and let her know x, y, z'' ... and the wonderful son eye-rolling and humphing!

I think you're being unfair to DILS. Most I know start off hoping to have a mutually respectful relationship - most people want their MIL to like them, everyone wants to be liked. But some MILS get all possessive and jealous and start to undermine DIL. Mine is an example of that.

She wrote a long, mournful letter to her son the day before our wedding wishing she could turn back time. Burst into tears at a family dinner because she missed the days when it was just the four of them in the family. I sat awkwardly while she sobbed because her life would never be the same. She called me thick (accompanied by a tinkly laugh so everyone would think she was joking), screwed her face up and said "Oh no, no" when I had my hair cut. She held my newborn at arms length and said she hoped he wouldn't take after my side of the family. Stated that she wanted my husband's inheritance from her to not go to me and could she get a solicitor to do this? I could go on and on.

I have never treated anyone in my life like this and I'm not a pushover. My sons now have partners who are roughly the age I was when I first met her. I think they are brilliant, clever and beautiful young women but I see their nerves and shyness when they first meet me. The thought of crushing their self esteem with some of the cutting and unkind remarks I received from MIL makes me śhudder. She did it to knock me down and assert her own power. I will never play those games, shame on any MIL who does, you deserve whatever treatment you get back.

OP if you aren't hostile or manipulative or territorial, your future DIL won't push you out. I think sometimes MILs need to be called out and shouldn't be coddled or made excuses for just because "she love her son". Sorry, that's not an excuse for MIL to treat her DIL like shit. A PP on this thread said something about how she is the only one who talks to her MIL and insinuated that it was because she was a yesman (woman) and didn't bother to call her out or disagree with her. I think that is a very bad example, and certainly not something I'd be boasting about. So the rest are strong and will call her behaviour out. I say good on them. You encourage bad behaviour and say it's ok for MIL/FIL to treat you like crap, because you never confront them on it for 'an easier life'. Yeah, nah it doesn't work in reality. So maybe some DILs are horrible to their MILs, but I have yet to read of one case on Mumsnet where it isn't wholely justified. DILs are horrible because the MILs are horrible. So lets address the horrible behaviour of MILs, which is the cause, and then the DIL will have no reason to be 'horrible'.

But sometimes you don't have a choice in that childcare. As an Asian woman there is a strong sense of patriarchy. I now live in a city with my in laws. They look after DD. But I have no choice. I would rather not given her previous behaviour, but I can't. It's not always our choice. I'm stuck in a rock and a hard place. Yes she loves her grandchild but her behaviour towards me is bitchy and rude, she's made me cry multiple times, then turned and blamed it all on me.. It kills me on some days, but I've had to numb it all out. Not everything is always clear cut.

@Laiste

I'll be blunt - i think a lot of the time when MILs feel 'pushed out' it's because their sons are shite at being bothered to keep in contact with their mothers.

Far from the DILs being one putting up barriers they are usually the ones saying ''Ring your mum it's been a week. Write this card. Text and let her know x, y, z'' ... and the wonderful son eye-rolling and humphing!

I agree.

I got on well with mil until i had dd1. We used to have to stay with her for a couple of weeks when we saw her as she lived the other side of the world and the first time we took dd over, she just would not stop telling me i was doing everything wrong with dd and how i should be doing it. It offended me and put me right off her.

YANBU
I feel the same sometimes reading all these posts and feel sad for some MILs... Some of them don't have bad intentions but have a clumsy attitude or way of communicating. My MIL is like that, she can be a bit territorial, is clumsy at communication and just annoying sometimes but I know ultimately she means well and wants to help. At the start I used to get upset about it but now I don't care anymore and brush it off. I just take the good sides and get on very well with her. However my SIL is much more susceptible and less confident than I am and very often calls me in tears after a weekend at my ILs due to my MIL's remarks and actions.

I tried so very hard to include my mother-in-law and be nice to her but she was an extremely difficult woman. She idolised her son (my husband) and I never took her unpleasantness personally - I think it would have been the same whoever he married. She used to gaze whistfully into space and say to me “I never thought he’d leave me’. Wtf! My daughters both have really lovely mothers-in-law - I always tell them how lucky they are!

@dayswithaY

I think you're being unfair to DILS. Most I know start off hoping to have a mutually respectful relationship - most people want their MIL to like them, everyone wants to be liked. But some MILS get all possessive and jealous and start to undermine DIL. Mine is an example of that.

She wrote a long, mournful letter to her son the day before our wedding wishing she could turn back time. Burst into tears at a family dinner because she missed the days when it was just the four of them in the family. I sat awkwardly while she sobbed because her life would never be the same. She called me thick (accompanied by a tinkly laugh so everyone would think she was joking), screwed her face up and said "Oh no, no" when I had my hair cut. She held my newborn at arms length and said she hoped he wouldn't take after my side of the family. Stated that she wanted my husband's inheritance from her to not go to me and could she get a solicitor to do this? I could go on and on.

I have never treated anyone in my life like this and I'm not a pushover. My sons now have partners who are roughly the age I was when I first met her. I think they are brilliant, clever and beautiful young women but I see their nerves and shyness when they first meet me. The thought of crushing their self esteem with some of the cutting and unkind remarks I received from MIL makes me śhudder. She did it to knock me down and assert her own power. I will never play those games, shame on any MIL who does, you deserve whatever treatment you get back.

Exactly. You get what you give and if a MIL is being pushed out, lets be real here, it's because she caused it by her behaviour. No DIL deserves to be treated like you were. And to ignore it for the proverbial 'easier life'? Stuff that for a joke. Bad behaviour should never be tolerated, and DILs who are victims of toxic MILs should never be made to feel bad for not wanting to put up with being treated so badly. Why do some victim-shame DILs who have been through hell because of their MILs? Why aren't the DILs being cheered on, why do some on here tolerate, justify and encourage bad behaviour by MILs? They in many if not most cases are not the victim here. OP should be asking herself why are MILs so absolutely horrible to their DILs.

I really wish my MIL was lovely :( I spent a long 8 years trying to do everything right and by the end of it the things she said and did were so nasty I had to shut her out in order for me to work on my own well-being. I spent most days crying because of her.

@Laiste

I'll be blunt - i think a lot of the time when MILs feel 'pushed out' it's because their sons are shite at being bothered to keep in contact with their mothers.

Far from the DILs being one putting up barriers they are usually the ones saying ''Ring your mum it's been a week. Write this card. Text and let her know x, y, z'' ... and the wonderful son eye-rolling and humphing!

Yes!

My DH had an abusive childhood and his mother is a hideous human being who has met my children briefly a handful of times.

I listen to my friends moaning about their MIL being evil for giving their kids too much chocolate or being too needy. Nearly all of my friends dislike their MILs but funnily enough, they always seem to be quite happy to use their MIL for childcare.

Pisses me right off tbh!

If it helps I adore my MIL and we often joke that I didn't marry my husband, I married my MIL.
Since my own Mum suffered a stroke in August and is in rehab barely able to communicate we have become even closer as now she has to perform both roles. She is a saint

My MIL had no reason to dislike me. I was a young girl who wouldn't say boo to a goose (not any more!) She literally took one look at me and thought "Nope!" and spent the next few years enjoying herself by being a superior bitch to me when she could have just been my friend.

Enjoy your lonely old age cos I won't be honouring your nursing home with my presence.

Only if MIL dismiss their feelings over something petty that would not cause any harm. If it continuous, then I can understand. DIL asking two weeks is not a big deal. Drop it. You will see your grandkid , and maybe a lot too

@Silentnight87

But sometimes you don't have a choice in that childcare. As an Asian woman there is a strong sense of patriarchy. I now live in a city with my in laws. They look after DD. But I have no choice. I would rather not given her previous behaviour, but I can't. It's not always our choice. I'm stuck in a rock and a hard place. Yes she loves her grandchild but her behaviour towards me is bitchy and rude, she's made me cry multiple times, then turned and blamed it all on me.. It kills me on some days, but I've had to numb it all out. Not everything is always clear cut.

You can move from where you are, you can choose to put DC in childcare, you can do it, you do not have to just give in and accept that as your lot in life, you can be the one that breaks the tradition if you truly want to unless you are locked up in a dungeon somewhere, you always have a choice. It might be difficult to do, granted, but you always, as the mother of the child, have a choice. If you have a can-do attitude, you can make it happen if you truly want to. You can be the change.

I think there generally is a negative stereotype towards men who are close to thier mothers (Mummy's boy who needs to cut the apron strings etc) whereas it's perfectly acceptable for women to be close to thiers.

I get along just fine with my Mum in law, we have had the occasional disagreement about things but nothing serious. I love my DH and she is the one who raised him so much of his personality is to her credit. Bar abuse I don't see why paternal grandparents should be treated any differently to maternal ones, I hate the threads where PIL are not allowed to visit for a month when the Mum's side are allowed from day one.

@emilyfrost

Don’t be an interfering bitch then and you won’t get pushed out 🤷‍♀️

Judging from what I’ve seen here, that doesn’t really follow.

I have thread starter's regret!!!

I really think the world of my MIL and I'm pretty sure she feels the same about me. I wish we lived closer.