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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this ‘friend’ is out of order?

292 replies

Crazycatlady198 · 22/10/2020 09:11

My dh and I are imminently expecting the arrival of our baby girl (first baby).

We have 3 cats and 2 dogs we love to bits but obviously fully aware of potential dangers to our little girl and have plans in place to deal with this.

Anyway, yesterday one of our cats sneaked into the nursery (we have a stair gate across door so haven’t had any access) - she must have followed me in and I didn’t notice. Later on I found her in the cot having made herself cosy... now at the moment we still have mattress protector on and cot is not made up as our dd will be in Moses basket in our room so she wasn’t doing any particular harm. However, I took her out and she won’t be able to make a habit of it because of stair gate and I will check she doesn’t follow me in!

Later, I sent a photo I’d taken of the cat in cot to a close family friend...
That evening I received an extremely lengthy text from his wife who I’m not particularly close to and don’t speak to from one month to the next, saying how she had become "seriously concerned" about our "animals" and was losing sleep about the potential threat from them to our dd....

It was very rude in places and basically implied our pets are dangerous and that we are irresponsible and let them do what they want. Plus lecturing me about how the cats will suffocate dd as if I don’t know about that potential possibility already. AIBU to think she’s overstepped the mark and it’s not really any of her business?

OP posts:
BlueJag · 22/10/2020 09:18

That's an overreach. I think pets are very much part of home life. Do take precautions but not a ban on them.
I don't know if I would reply to her or not. Doesn't seem worth it.

Sunnydaysstillhere · 22/10/2020 09:19

Just send laughing emojis and ask if they think you are stupid....

Original poster
Crazycatlady198 · 22/10/2020 09:20

@BlueJag I agree. No I don’t think I’m going to reply, not worth getting into some discussion with her

OP posts:
Original poster
Crazycatlady198 · 22/10/2020 09:21

@Sunnydaysstillhere haha not sure she’s the laughing emoji type

OP posts:
PlanDeRaccordement · 22/10/2020 09:24

I would wonder if there were a backstory as in knowing someone who lost a baby due to cat or other suffocation. Losing sleep over it just sounds too dramatic unless there were a backstory. If she’s known to be a drama queen, yes ignore.

Itsseweasy · 22/10/2020 09:25

YANBU. Cats love cosy spaces and cots and baby blankets will always be appealing to them, it doesn’t necessarily mean anything bad will happen!
Our cats weren’t allowed in the baby’s room yet we still found one of them in the cot with my son a couple of times.
We lifted the cat out, end of story.
Yes there will always be a risk, but isn’t there with everything? Even a blanket could prove lethal in the wrong conditions.

Your relative is massively overreacting and I would think there may be some anxiety issues or projecting going on.
You sound very sensible and clued up to me. Definitely don’t entertain the message or you’re setting yourself up for a childhoods-worth of worried messages from her!

LostAcre · 22/10/2020 09:28

She’s definitely overstepped the mark.

But will a standard stair gate really stop a cat? I’ve seen our neighbour’s cat jump up to the top of our garden fence, and that’s twice as high as any stair gate we’ve had.

Babdoc · 22/10/2020 09:28

She may have worded it badly, but been genuinely concerned for the future safety of your baby and wanted to warn you to avert a tragedy, rather than criticising or judging you.
I’d thank her for her concern, and for being a good friend, but let her know you are aware of the risks and have plans in place. Not a big deal.

Original poster
Crazycatlady198 · 22/10/2020 09:28

@PlanDeRaccordement no backstory as far as I know, just the way she is

@Itsseweasy yes that’s how I feel. Obviously risks with loads of things but it’ll be fine. She’s not even a relative... yep thanks for the advice. Feel like she’ll interfere about everything!

OP posts:
WankPuffins · 22/10/2020 09:29

I’m an arsehole and I’ve got no time for people like that. I’m sure you will protect your baby from any potential risk just fine (My cats are petrified of my babes until they are at least a year old anyway and go to great lengths to avoid them).

My reply would be “piss off and mind your own business”.

You might be nicer than me though.

Original poster
Crazycatlady198 · 22/10/2020 09:30

@LostAcre true although so far it has as they get the message they’re not allowed in there. But if it doesn’t work door will get shut instead.

@Babdoc appreciate that but it wasn’t just worded badly, it was very rude and I feel unnecessary

OP posts:
choosername1234 · 22/10/2020 09:30

My MIL was obsessed with the idea that our cat would suffocate our (then) baby. Cat was bloody terrified of small loud screaming baby and stayed well away. Your friend is not alone with her random thoughts thoughts

Redlocks28 · 22/10/2020 09:31

I wouldn’t reply and wouldn’t send either of them any more photos!

Original poster
Crazycatlady198 · 22/10/2020 09:31

@WankPuffins haha. Yes I feel like my cats will be terrified of our baby and steer clear but we’ll see.

OP posts:
ImaginaryCat · 22/10/2020 09:32

I'd first check if there's a reason, as a PP said she might have lost a child in disturbing circumstances.
But if she's just a drama llama I'd have a load of fun with this one. Photoshop the cat in a Scream mask, holding a knife.

In short, she's weird, don't let her get to you. Yeah cats pose a threat initially. But then they accept the child as part of their gang, and there are few things as lush as seeing a cat snuggle up with your child on the sofa in a way that says "you, tiny human, are now accepted as one of mine".

Scweltish · 22/10/2020 09:33

I’d reply *I don’t remember asking for your opinion?

MsSquiz · 22/10/2020 09:33

I have a 10 month old and 2 cats. In all honestly, the cats tended to avoid her when she was little and never once tried to jump into the cot or sleep in the next2me.
We always keep her bedroom door shut, but one followed me in when I went in to close a window and got stuck in there for 2 hours as we'd popped out. She didn't even go in the cot then! (Not a single cat hair or cosy cat sleeping spot!)

There was even a few nights where our cats were fighting so one was in our room over night with me and the baby in her next2me and the cat slept on top of the wardrobe or on the other side of me to the baby.

Some people just don't get it and like to imagine the worst of every situation. Just delete the message, ignore and carry on

Original poster
Crazycatlady198 · 22/10/2020 09:33

@choosername1234 yes seems like some people obsessed with the idea of cats doing this. My own parents had 3 cats with me and said the health visitor was a right pain over it but guess what, cats never did me any harm and I had a great childhood with them

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 22/10/2020 09:33

What Babdoc said. I wouldn't have sent you the message but think it is a serious and important point.

ThePlantsitter · 22/10/2020 09:35

I would have to reply to that message from someone who I barely converse with. Just 'Please don't ever message or talk to me about this again.' what on earth makes her think she has a right to lecture in that way?! I don't know why I'm asking you. But I would feel very offended and pissed off by that. You sound like you're shrugging it if though, which is probably the actually correct thing to do. Grin

ChickensMightFly · 22/10/2020 09:37

Her message was intrusive but older generation feel a responsibility to speak up if they are worried. It comes from the right place even if it was worded in a way which put your back up.
Personally I would rise above the nature of her contact, be the bigger person. I think that the quickest way to put this back in its box and avoid conversations rumbling round the family is to reply saying something like 'i completely share your concerns and you can rest assured we will be protecting our baby from the risks you mention.'
She can't quibble that and she will feel mollified. It's the political choice of response.

WhatdoImean · 22/10/2020 09:39

A few points to note:-

  1. Children who grow up in households with free running animals (dogs, cats) generally have better health when it comes to respiratory issue (asthma etc.)
  2. There was a"thing" in the US for a while about cats "smothering" children - I remember seeing a (really really bad) film with Robin Williams where he was playing a doctor, assuming that with a new child on the way, the parents to be would be "getting rid of the cat"
  3. Most cats I have had, avoid babies/children like the plague - that said, I think it is eminently sensible to take precautions.
  4. Some people are just "anti animal" - one person I know exclaimed (with a look of utter horror) how can we share our house with an animal??!" (oh the horror :-) ). Of course, your "friend" could just be bat-shit crazy....

Overall, I think you have the correct attitude, and she is annoying, making assumptions, sticking her nose where it is not wanted and also (cake/icing) potentially batty :-)

OhioOhioOhio · 22/10/2020 09:40

It's the same with ponds and the ocean. The idea that it never happened to you and is somehow an over zealous worry is inappropriate. In my opinion...

RightOnTheEdge · 22/10/2020 09:40

Yeah she is out of order. Who the heck sends something like that to someone they hardly talk to? I would have to talk to my friend about it if it was me.

My cat would definitely go to sleep in an empty cot if we had one but she avoided my dc like the plague when they were little.

Even if your cat is likely to get in with a baby you've already thought of the potential dangers of your animals and have planned for it. Its pretty insulting of her to think that you might not have thought about the safety of your own child and need her to tell you!

Asterion · 22/10/2020 09:41

She may have overstepped the mark, but perhaps it was a bit foolish sending the photo? You will discover that everybody has an opinion on your baby and baby rearing methods, when she's born.