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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this ‘friend’ is out of order?

292 replies

Crazycatlady198 · 22/10/2020 09:11

My dh and I are imminently expecting the arrival of our baby girl (first baby).

We have 3 cats and 2 dogs we love to bits but obviously fully aware of potential dangers to our little girl and have plans in place to deal with this.

Anyway, yesterday one of our cats sneaked into the nursery (we have a stair gate across door so haven’t had any access) - she must have followed me in and I didn’t notice. Later on I found her in the cot having made herself cosy... now at the moment we still have mattress protector on and cot is not made up as our dd will be in Moses basket in our room so she wasn’t doing any particular harm. However, I took her out and she won’t be able to make a habit of it because of stair gate and I will check she doesn’t follow me in!

Later, I sent a photo I’d taken of the cat in cot to a close family friend...
That evening I received an extremely lengthy text from his wife who I’m not particularly close to and don’t speak to from one month to the next, saying how she had become "seriously concerned" about our "animals" and was losing sleep about the potential threat from them to our dd....

It was very rude in places and basically implied our pets are dangerous and that we are irresponsible and let them do what they want. Plus lecturing me about how the cats will suffocate dd as if I don’t know about that potential possibility already. AIBU to think she’s overstepped the mark and it’s not really any of her business?

OP posts:
SVRT19674 · 22/10/2020 10:56

I am at two minds, thinking which of you two is the drama llama. Just tell her thanks for her concern, but you got it covered. Make a mental note re "arrogance comes before the fall", because weird accidents can and do happen. And leave it at that.

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 22/10/2020 10:57

Ha, my cats stayed as far away from DS as possible when he was new. Although we did have a MW that asked us to remove DCat from the room when she was doing the heelprick test in case the cat thought DS was food!!

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 22/10/2020 11:00

She may have anxiety issues.

Anyway, all you need to do is ignore it.

Longtalljosie · 22/10/2020 11:01

Try to be generous. Reply and say you’re aware it was a concern some years ago but you’ve researched it and it’s a myth. I imagine back in the day if a baby died of Sids and there was a cat in the household, the cat might have got the blame...

SpaceOP · 22/10/2020 11:04

@RainingBatsAndFrogs

She may have anxiety issues.

Anyway, all you need to do is ignore it.

Her anxiety issues should not be OP's problem.
tyrannosaurustrip · 22/10/2020 11:04

Honestly, given the photos I've seen people post of animals and babies its entirely possible she saw it and thought you were imagining having the cat in with the baby in future. I would also have freaked out a little bit at cat in with freshly washed baby bedding, and I'm really not previous about hygiene. I'd be much more concerned about your dogs though.

You say you didn't think your friend would show it to her, but do you not think maybe he's actually concerned too but doesn't want to say anything? If you sent it with a comment like 'hah, Houdini cat, he better enjoy it now because they won't be able to get into it when its new occupant arrives' fair enough, but if it was a 'how cute is this?' type message I can see how it could have been misinterpreted - honestly I think people get a blind spot with animals. I've had to be incredibly strict with my mother and her dog, and I love that dog but animals can't be expected to be responsible. I'd assume she's thought 'goodness it will be difficult making that house safe for the baby with all those animals' and then seeing that photo made her think you weren't going to do anything.

Yes, overstepping, but so often people don't do anything. I'd love pets but don't have them currently because with one toddler and plans for one more I know our house layout wouldn't really facilitate keeping them separate. I know people who have a similar issue and have ignored it, saying the cat/dog are the babies best friend and posting photos that clearly show the animal unhappy at the situation they're being put in. You're clearly being responsible about it, but I can see how that photo made them assume you weren't and thought it was all a laugh. They overstepped but it didn't necessarily come from a terrible place.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/10/2020 11:06

I'd message you friend and ask if his wife is ok, she sent you a weird message and you're worried the photo has triggered her somehow

OverTheRainbow88 · 22/10/2020 11:08

My in-laws were obsessed with our fat cat suffocating my babies! Like obsessed.

sapnupuas · 22/10/2020 11:11

@AryaStarkWolf

There's a photo with my comment of a my son and my cat. I've just realised that not everyone will see the photo so I'm just coming across as a dick.

For clarity, I had a baby, two cats and a dog. No issues. She's being an idiot to have sleepless nights over it.

AryaStarkWolf · 22/10/2020 11:16

[quote sapnupuas]@AryaStarkWolf

There's a photo with my comment of a my son and my cat. I've just realised that not everyone will see the photo so I'm just coming across as a dick.

For clarity, I had a baby, two cats and a dog. No issues. She's being an idiot to have sleepless nights over it. [/quote]
Oh no, there's no picture showing for me!

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 22/10/2020 11:16

Is there a recorded case of anyone ever changing their domestic arrangements because a relative stranger ranted at them? I very much doubt she is losing any actual sleep and you shouldn't either, OP.

This isn't likely to be about the cat.More likely she wants to be the centre of a drama or demonstrate her superior wisdom of something. Anyway, not your issue.

sapnupuas · 22/10/2020 11:18

Well, I look like an idiot. 🤣🤣

Ignore my comment, everyone!

Dodie66 · 22/10/2020 11:20

My cats used to jump over a tall stair gate so yours might just be jumping over. Your friend went a bit over board as you already know there are risks and are planning for it

Graciebobcat · 22/10/2020 11:21

Despite trying to keep my cat out, I did sometimes find him in DD's cot. But at an age when she was far too wriggly that he could do her any real harm, and in any event he was little at the same time as they are the same age. He was also a very useful distraction when I was changing her nappy. She would wiggle her legs and he would kick her feet back. No claws either, he was gentle. He also enjoyed her baby gym.

I'd just ignore the message or just put "OK" in response. Spoken in the manner of DI Perez in Shetland when someone spouts bullshit at him.

RiftGibbon · 22/10/2020 11:21

When DC was.small we had stargates and cats. One cat could very easily jump the stairgate. The other used to like to get into the travel cot (which we used as a makeshift playpen as it was large).
Any problems were easily solved by being in the same room at the same time or shutting the door to keep the cats out.

AintOverUntilTheCatLadySings · 22/10/2020 11:22

I massively researched the cats suffocating babies thing when I was pregnant with dd back in 2017. While a lot of health sites say it's a risk, I only found one documented case from the 1700s. I've found one more since then - an unverified case in Russia reported in The Sun in 2018.

Obviously, it CAN in theory happen, but if it was a common theme the tabloids would be all over it. More babies die from cot bumpers or teddies smothering them in their cots.

Ratbum · 22/10/2020 11:32

If she's actually losing sleep out of concern for someone else's child, perhaps she's suffering from anxiety? It can make people spew extreme and offensive comments... She crossed a line, sure, but how she crossed it is ringing bells.

EL8888 · 22/10/2020 11:33

Yep she’s out of order and a touch unhinged. Your approach sounds balanced and sensible to me. I don’t get the PFB and dislike of animals from some. It’s so sad when people have a baby and get rid of pets

Jocasta2018 · 22/10/2020 11:33

You can get a sort of crib tent - a structure that means the cat can't even get onto the top of the cot - unlike a crib net which they can jump onto. I know friends with cats have successfully used them.
As for your friend, why the hell are they losing sleep over the whole situation! Seems a real drama llama. I would distance yourself...

AryaStarkWolf · 22/10/2020 11:34

@sapnupuas

Well, I look like an idiot. 🤣🤣

Ignore my comment, everyone!

haha, I'm just glad to know it wasn't a serious comment Grin
Himawarigirl · 22/10/2020 11:35

My sister has two dogs and a cat and my usually calm dad was ridiculous about the cat when her baby was born. They took necessary precautions (e.g. netting over the Moses basket) but he would mention it or make dramatic faces every time the cat so much as wandered in the baby’s direction, even though an adult was holding him. I am not a pet person at all, he’s way better with animals than I am, but the cat thing totally set him off, so this comment is not unusual, although overstepping in your friend’s case.

ConquestEmpireHungerPlague · 22/10/2020 11:36

I would tune it out and ignore tbh. If this is your first baby you're about to discover just how many people in the world know how to bring her up better than you do and in just how many tiny regards you're doing it all wrong. Smile and nod or tell everyone to fuck off, whichever suits, but don't give any of it too much headspace or you'll drive yourself mad.

CleverCatty · 22/10/2020 11:37

@Jocasta2018

You can get a sort of crib tent - a structure that means the cat can't even get onto the top of the cot - unlike a crib net which they can jump onto. I know friends with cats have successfully used them. As for your friend, why the hell are they losing sleep over the whole situation! Seems a real drama llama. I would distance yourself...
Crib tent sounds like a good idea if you really need it!
Fluffycloudland77 · 22/10/2020 11:37

Tbh all animals and young babies ought to be supervised together, my mum saw a case in the 70’s/80’s where two ferrets killed a baby after the parents went out and left them all together. Utter madness.

majesticallyawkward · 22/10/2020 11:38

I'd just send a 'ok thanks for your concern' kind of reply and then forget about it.

I've had so many PA comments about animals and babies/children. I have 2 cats and my mum has a large dog, my DC have grown up with animals and I love that they get to experience that. It's mostly older people I get it from, DGM recently had a go at me because the cat sleeps on my 5yos bed and it was going to suffocate her and my 11mo was too close to the dog (as in they were sat near each other rolling a ball back and forth). I just smile and nod.

My 5yo has a good respect for animals and understands how to act around them, much more so than children who don't grow up with them. I'm sure the baby will too, for now he just likes their toys 🤷🏼‍♀️