Am I right to be fuming about this?

[AintNobodyHereButUsChickens]

It's a MIL one and I could really do with some perspective.

We have a DD who is 9 and a half and a DS who is 2 and a half. Since DD was 1, she has had regular sleepovers, days out, even the occasional short (UK) holiday with MIL. This time last year, MIL watched both the children at our house for a few hours while me and DH went out. That is the ONLY time she has spent any time with DS without us there, AND she went home early and called a family friend to sit with them instead. We phoned her to say we were leaving and she said "Oh I've gone home, had to get back for the dogs. I phoned X and she came round to sit with them."

Today, (well, technically yesterday now considering the time :o ) she phoned DH and said in 2022 she wants to take DD to Florida (I guess to Disney) for 3 weeks. If it's relevant, this trip will be paid for by BIL (who will also be going along with his son the same age as DD). My first reaction was to say hell no, she takes both or neither. I'm sure DS will soon start to notice that DD frequently goes to grandmas without him and at 4 he will definitely understand that grandma took his sister on a big holiday and he was left behind.

I'm really torn because it's a trip of a lifetime and DD would have a fantastic time, but we'd never be able to afford to do anything like this so DS will almost certainly miss out on doing it at all which just isn't fair. DH said we could take DS away for a week when DD is away but it's not the point.

WWYD? Would you be angry? Am I right to be angry at this?

With there being such a big gap in age I can understand why they do want to take the two 11 year olds and not the 4 year old . As others have said they'll be good company for each other . I don't think you can call that favouritism. Hopefully when your son is 11 he will be able to go then but it would be a shame for DD to miss out on this opportunity. Maybe MiL just gets on better with older children?

I think it would be massively unfair of you to deny you older child this opportunity.

If I were a grandmother I would not want responsibility for a 4 yr old on a long haul flight and then 3 weeks of constant vigilance that is not required in the same way as a 4 yr old.

If the younger child went it would hugely change the holiday . 2 11 yr old amusing themselves and then GM stuck with a 4 yr old. No way !

No doubt your 11 yr old already has to put up with doing things with a much younger sibling that bore her rigid..

IMHO I think it is your older child's call. Is she happy to go for three weeks ? If so please let her. .. and take the time to indulge your younger one in age appropriate things without a bored 11 year old hanging out.

I wouldn't be happy with an 11yo DD being in a different country for 3 weeks.

It doesn't sound like a great holiday opportunity anyway to be honest. Disneyland for three weeks would be way too long, especially away from her parents and with a cousin she doesn't like. The fact that DS clearly won't get the same opportunity just compounds the issue. Is she even that bothered about disneyland? There seem to be a minority of people who are really obsessed with the idea and most can take it or leave it.

When your son is 11yrs your daughter will be 18yrs and off on holiday on her own so you will have plenty of time to do things with your son that your daughter won’t do.

Maybe MiL just gets on better with older children?

But OP said she was very interested in DD when she was 2 and younger. It's just DS she isn't bothered about.

It’s in 2 years time.

Your 11 yo Dd won’t be that compatible with an 11 yo boy for 3 weeks, judging by my experience of 11 yo boys (mine) even if he wasn’t a brat.

You can hardly blame your MIL when it isn’t even her paying but BIL.

I would just say no.

But meanwhile your Ds needs to see more attention from his DGM NOW.

If she needs help to manage a 4 yo, fine. But deal with this in the here and now rather than hanging it all in an event in 2 years time.

Would you even let DS go if she did offer to take him, though?

If the age gap was 9yr old and 7 yr old I would say YANBU, however with the situation you've mentioned YABU - taking two children, one of whom is very young, is much harder than looking after one older/independent child, and going to a theme park and on rides as a group of 4 who will all be old/tall enough to go on most things is much easier than 4 and one who is too young and small for half the rides. I think its unreasonable to deny DD this opportunity (if of course she wants to go) basically because her sibling is too young. DS will probably get just as much out of a more age appropriate holiday and your undivided attention while she is away.

I can see your point with the general favouritism though, and if you did let DD go I agree something like 10 days should be the max!!!

The fact that she left someone else in charge of your your children, without your prior knowledge, while babysitting ,would be enough for me not to trust her with your children again, either of them.
I am a great grandmother and would never consider doing that, I value my family's trust in me too much.

@nildesparandum

The fact that she left someone else in charge of your your children, without your prior knowledge, while babysitting ,would be enough for me not to trust her with your children again, either of them. I am a great grandmother and would never consider doing that, I value my family's trust in me too much.

I agree with this, and am surprised it’s not of more concern on the thread in general. I wouldn’t be happy about any of my children spending three weeks on another continent in the care of someone who has delegated childcare to a third party, without asking me, on the only occasion she has had sole charge of the two children. It suggests both an inability to cope outside her comfort zone, and a weird lack of responsibility.

11 year old boy wont want to know 11 year old girl and vice versa

she might say yes now then change her mind

@GabsAlot

11 year old boy wont want to know 11 year old girl and vice versa

she might say yes now then change her mind

That was true years ago but kids mix more in mixed sex groups now. It’s not like it used to be,

@flaviaritt

And what will you tell your 11 year old? “You can’t go on the trip of a lifetime because your 4 year old brother can’t go as well”?

And I want to make a big point to your grandmother so I don't care about the experience you will miss.

I'm really not convinced that there is any favouritism as such, all the OP has talked about is spending time alone with the kids.

It's not odd that a grandmother has a very different relationship with children who are seven or eight years apart. My in-laws used to take care of my two eldest quite a lot. The third who is two years younger spent a lot less time - they were less active and he was a handful. My youngest who is six years younger again has never spent time alone with them even though she's quite docile, because they simply aren't up to it any more.

Older people can have rapid changes in their ability to cope with children.

I understand where you're coming from. You want your ds to be included and for your MIL to give him the same attention and love she gives your dd. In this case though I do think taking a 4 y/o to Disney world would be a lot more difficult then taking an 11 y/o. Especially with how long they'll be gone for.

Maybe suggest she spends more time with your ds one on one but definitely don't ask her to take him to Disneyworld.

I really dont get the 'trip of a lifetime' thing. It's Florida not Brigadoon! It will still be there when DD is old enough to take herself there.

I agree with PPs that there’s no way I’d let one of my DDs (11 and 8) go way for 3 weeks with someone who had previously left them with another person when she had agreed to babysit them.

Of course she takes both of them or neither of them, surely that's obvious

@diddl daughter might not enjoy due to cousin, three weeks might be too long
@SissySpacekAteMyHamster Nope, the bully boy cousin would end it for me.

I would agree, but if either of these things were true ( and I accept that the OP has mentioned that DD hates spending time with her MIL and also gets bullied by cousin), Then:
a) OP would ask DD and she would say NO for those reasons.
b) Wouldnt want to send DS either
c) Wouldnt want MIL or cousin to spend time with her children.

All those saying she shouldn't go due to bullying or that it would be too long or that MIL cant look after them properly are missing the point .The OP's original gripe was only that they weren't taking and paying for DS as well. For that standpoint it seems to be more of a problem with her MIL than her DD welfare.

YABU. It's a massive journey for a 4 yr old and to be away for 3 weeks, hell no!
Also, your daughter might feel uncomfortable being away 3 weeks. What if she starts her periods? What if she falls out with their DS?
As for the other issues, she might just relate better to your daughter, hasn't got the energy for a toddler atm. Please don't make it a big issue as the kids will pick up on it eventually.

Just an idea, if they are staying in a villa, would there be a spare room that maybe you DH and DS could go for just a week? Maybe speak to BIL about it and ask (without trying to sound like a CF!) if you could tag along say for the first week and you pay for your 3 flights and park tickets?

DD can go with MIL/BIL et al and you, DH & DS can do your thing that way DD won't be away from you for 3 weeks (only 2?) and you can keep DS occupied/do the younger Disney stuff without impacting on the dynamic of the others holiday?

It's 2 years away so would saving up that small element of the cost be feasible for you?

Other option is let DD go and you take DS to Disneyland Paris for a few days (honestly at 4 he won't know the difference!) because you can get some cracking deals if you go during term time!

I'd have a conversation with MIL separately about the disparity in treatment, in a non-confrontational way as it could be as others have said, she doesn't find it is easy as she did 8/9 years ago! Or it could purely be that she sees DD as the daughter she didn't have, but still may not mean there's any malice in it

@Mittens030869

I agree with PPs that there’s no way I’d let one of my DDs (11 and 8) go way for 3 weeks with someone who had previously left them with another person when she had agreed to babysit them.

Do we know the circumstances around grandmother going home and passing the child care to someone else? It's possible she had to get home by a certain time and op and husband didn't arrive back until later. I imagine she called on a responsible person to take over from her. The op has said she often did child minding.

To me it seems an eleven year old is old enough and a four year is not old enough to be apart from parents for three weeks, especially when they will not be able to get home quickly in an emergency.

It's up to the girl if she wants to go. She might not if she doesn't like cousin.

I wouldn't want my 11 yr old away from me for that long anyway so it would be a no on that basis alone but I would not be happy about the favouritism either .

@PumpkinetChocolat

If you are not careful, you might set in motion resentments that last a lifetime.

I am sure the OP can ask the child in question what they think? There's enough warning to have time to discuss and think about it.

If the 9 year old is dead against the idea, the whole thread is a moot point.

Well said.

My grandma is one of the most important people in my life. She has taken me on lots of trips, sometimes alone, sometimes with my siblengs, sometimes my siblings alone.
You can't expect her to take a 4 year old along. He will change the entire dynamic of the trip.
I dont understand why you would ruin this for your daughter tbh. Thats just cruel. Your children should be able to have their own relationsship with grandma, especially since theres such a big age difference. Maybe grandma will do stuff with your DS alone some other time?