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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I right to be fuming about this?

295 replies

AintNobodyHereButUsChickens · 21/10/2020 01:30

It's a MIL one and I could really do with some perspective.

We have a DD who is 9 and a half and a DS who is 2 and a half. Since DD was 1, she has had regular sleepovers, days out, even the occasional short (UK) holiday with MIL. This time last year, MIL watched both the children at our house for a few hours while me and DH went out. That is the ONLY time she has spent any time with DS without us there, AND she went home early and called a family friend to sit with them instead. We phoned her to say we were leaving and she said "Oh I've gone home, had to get back for the dogs. I phoned X and she came round to sit with them."

Today, (well, technically yesterday now considering the time :o ) she phoned DH and said in 2022 she wants to take DD to Florida (I guess to Disney) for 3 weeks. If it's relevant, this trip will be paid for by BIL (who will also be going along with his son the same age as DD). My first reaction was to say hell no, she takes both or neither. I'm sure DS will soon start to notice that DD frequently goes to grandmas without him and at 4 he will definitely understand that grandma took his sister on a big holiday and he was left behind.

I'm really torn because it's a trip of a lifetime and DD would have a fantastic time, but we'd never be able to afford to do anything like this so DS will almost certainly miss out on doing it at all which just isn't fair. DH said we could take DS away for a week when DD is away but it's not the point.

WWYD? Would you be angry? Am I right to be angry at this?

OP posts:

Halliehallie9828 · 23/10/2020 16:09

@SecretSpAD

I guess you all missed the bit where the OP said that her mother in law actually adored the younger son and couldn't wait to take him out, but has back problems so can't pick him up then?

yeh I missed that bit because she was talking about MIL friend and not the MIL.

Halliehallie9828 · 23/10/2020 16:11

@Zyzxyz

And I agree with another blogger. I am a trained, master child development expert and at this stage in my life two grandkids would be too much, even for me. Just respect the wishes of grandparents.There are reasons for their reluctance to take on additional stress and responsibility. Be grateful with what you can get. No offense, but alot of people on this blog seem really entitled when it comes to their aging parents.

Be grateful that she treats her grandkids differently? If you can’t hack taking them both out then don’t take any. Don’t pick a favourite or take the easy one because it’s to much effort to take both.

Zyzxyz · 23/10/2020 18:53

Or mom can take the 4 year old on her own dime.

Zyzxyz · 23/10/2020 18:56

The gran is paying for the expensive trip. She has a right to take whichever grandchild she wants. You all are so spoiled.

Diggerydoggery · 23/10/2020 19:01

This is an opportunity for you to have some quality time with the little one.

My parents do less with my younger DC then they did with the eldest at the same age - but there is a gap of almost 7 years, their age makes a real difference.

Two 9 year olds can go on rides together and cope on the plane etc and it won’t be exhausting in the way it would with a four year old. I think it is a lovely offer and you sound stroppy and quite selfish.

Diggerydoggery · 23/10/2020 19:04

I just saw that your DD will be 11. It would totally change the dynamic of the trip for everyone to have a four year old tagging along, you must see that?

It is likely your MIL might be able to do more with him as he gets older and easier to deal with - toddlers are lovely but also very tiring little creatures.

Zyzxyz · 23/10/2020 19:05

Seriously, now I'm feeling sorry for these poor British grandparents being bullied by their adult children to do this or that. That's elder abuse. Maybe the mom just wants 3 relaxing weeks without her 4 year old in tow. That's why she is insistent granny take the 4 year old. Stand up British grandparents! Don't be bullied by your adult children.

Zyzxyz · 23/10/2020 19:17

Okay, I see the picture clearly. Adult child lounging on granny's couch . "Mummy can you please make me a spot of tea?" Granny hobbling on her walker with great difficulty. "Yes, dear! Give me a minute!"

Localocal · 23/10/2020 20:59

Children with such a big age gap will inevitably have different experiences. Your son is way too young for Disneyworld, would probably be terrified at the idea of being sent away from you for three weeks. And taking care of a four year old is a wildly different thing from an 11 year old.

Much younger children do not expect to be able to do the things their older siblings do. I would have a super nice talk with Grandma saying that DS would like to spend time with her too and leave it at that.

Even if your son doesn't get his own trip to Disney, by the time he is 11 and realises it he will understand that Grandma is seven years older now and may not be up to it, and the cousin situation isn't the same.

Let your daughter have her trip. Your son will have his own life, his own relationships, his own experiences.

Oliversmumsarmy · 23/10/2020 22:16

The gran is paying for the expensive trip

It is the BIL who is footing the bill

SurroundedByIdiotsEverywhere · 23/10/2020 22:17

Your daughter & BIL son are around the same age and will be able to go on rides together height wise!

I took DD to Disney Florida when she was 4 or 5 and it was fantastic but I felt I needed another holiday as I was knackered as it has tons of walking to do on the parks. I also carried her a lot...

Let your daughter go and do what your husband suggests!

throwaway100000 · 23/10/2020 22:24

I was going to say you’re right, but then again, there is a large age gap between your kids and it seems like your MIL can’t handle younger children? Going on a trip with a 11 year old and a 4 year old is completely different. She won’t really be able to bond with your daughter as much as she wants as your 4 year old will naturally be the focus due to his young age. For example they wouldn’t be able to go anywhere that he’s too young or too short to use eg certain rides - it does change the dynamic. Especially if there isn’t another adult in the group.

I think if your children were more similar in age or if he was older, you would be right that they are being treated unfairly. But for now, I think it’s okay as he may be too young to participate/fully enjoy the outings?

AibuTellMe · 23/10/2020 23:04

Big age gap op. Perfect age for an 11 year old. Not so much for a 4 year old. VOTED YABU.

Catrin70 · 28/10/2020 00:36

I would worry about your DD being with MIL for 3 weeks. My son and his wife and their 2 children (about 8 and 12) They enjoyed it but said it was incredibly hot and the kids were done in at the end of the day, and so were the parents ! And it was incredibly crowded and the 8 yr old was so tired they hired a pushchair. I don't know how much MIL knows about Florida and its attractions. Is she able herself to withstand it all - is BIL growing then it might be better. I wouldn't bring in the thing about her going home and favouring one child over the other. What does your DH think

TallFriendlyGinger · 28/10/2020 09:54

3 weeks might be a bit long but for Florida you need a long trip to make the most of the flights. An 11 year old will love and remember a Disneyland trip, a 4 year old won't. Bringing your son would completely change the dynamic of the trip and make it really difficult. As long as you can have an honest conversation with Mil to explain your worries about leaving out your son, let your daughter go on this amazing trip and spend some quality time with your son. Your daughter would probably be really upset and resentful if you don't let her go, I remember not being allowed a day out to legoland with Brownies by my mum at a similar age because it "wasn't fair on my brother".

Halliehallie9828 · 28/10/2020 09:58

@Zyzxyz

The gran is paying for the expensive trip. She has a right to take whichever grandchild she wants. You all are so spoiled.

BIL is actually paying so granny isn’t the one spending her coin!

She doesn’t have a right to pick which grandchild she prefers. Treat them fairly or don’t bother.

thegreenlight · 28/10/2020 10:16

People do realise that 3 weeks in Disney World is a minimum £15k + holiday, don’t they? And that’s not including spending money or food (which is ludicrously expensive on property) That’s why it’s known as a once in a lifetime trip for some. People saying ‘take her later yourselves’ don’t seem to get that. Let her go. She’ll have an AMAZING time. Or take them both yourself and stump up the money.

thegreenlight · 28/10/2020 10:18

And people giving advice about 3 weeks being too long for ‘Disneyland’ - They are going to ‘Disneyworld’ which is ENORMOUS, not just one park. And they can do universal and the other parks too. I could live there, let alone do 3 weeks!

AnotherSlice · 28/10/2020 10:43

@thegreenlight

It isn't actually confirmed where they are going. she phoned DH and said in 2022 she wants to take DD to Florida (I guess to Disney) for 3 weeks.

Anyway, the OP hasn't been seen for a week. LOL.

choli · 28/10/2020 12:27

I suspect that there would be no issue if this trip was proposed by the OPs mother and brother. Just another "the in laws" bitch post.

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