Am I right to be fuming about this?

[AintNobodyHereButUsChickens]

It's a MIL one and I could really do with some perspective.

We have a DD who is 9 and a half and a DS who is 2 and a half. Since DD was 1, she has had regular sleepovers, days out, even the occasional short (UK) holiday with MIL. This time last year, MIL watched both the children at our house for a few hours while me and DH went out. That is the ONLY time she has spent any time with DS without us there, AND she went home early and called a family friend to sit with them instead. We phoned her to say we were leaving and she said "Oh I've gone home, had to get back for the dogs. I phoned X and she came round to sit with them."

Today, (well, technically yesterday now considering the time :o ) she phoned DH and said in 2022 she wants to take DD to Florida (I guess to Disney) for 3 weeks. If it's relevant, this trip will be paid for by BIL (who will also be going along with his son the same age as DD). My first reaction was to say hell no, she takes both or neither. I'm sure DS will soon start to notice that DD frequently goes to grandmas without him and at 4 he will definitely understand that grandma took his sister on a big holiday and he was left behind.

I'm really torn because it's a trip of a lifetime and DD would have a fantastic time, but we'd never be able to afford to do anything like this so DS will almost certainly miss out on doing it at all which just isn't fair. DH said we could take DS away for a week when DD is away but it's not the point.

WWYD? Would you be angry? Am I right to be angry at this?

I agree with PPs that there’s no way I’d let one of my DDs (11 and 8) go way for 3 weeks with someone who had previously left them with another person when she had agreed to babysit them.

And that strikes you as normal, does it, when it's the children's grandmother we're talking about?

I have a mum like this. I said all or none. She chose none!

I would say it was normal. We all have different relationships with GPs. What is normal for one may not be for another.

@eatsleepread

Three weeks is a long time, even with the grandmother, and this nine year old does actually get homesick. And the OP doesn't really trust this grandmother. So in these circumstances, no I wouldn't be happy to send one of my DDs away with her.

There is also the issue that the OP's DD no longer gets on well with her cousin. It doesn't bode well for them to have three weeks together.

The favouritism isn't great either, although I don't think that's the issue here; I'm not particularly surprised that the grandmother doesn't want responsibility for a four year old as well; there is a considerable age gap here.

I don't know whether my concerns are 'normal' or not. (But then, my DM has never had either of my DDs for more than one night, and is 81, so I can't even imagine the idea of her taking them on an overseas holiday for 3 weeks.)

It's a tough one, my 2 DC have a 4yr age gap, and thats hard enough, especially when my eldest wanted to do things youngest couldn't do, so ultimately, I think I'd let DD go, if she wanted too, as you say, it's once in a lifetime.

@eatsleepread

I agree with PPs that there’s no way I’d let one of my DDs (11 and 8) go way for 3 weeks with someone who had previously left them with another person when she had agreed to babysit them.

And that strikes you as normal, does it, when it's the children's grandmother we're talking about?

The children's grandmother has only looked after both children without their parents present once, and that time, without telling the children's parents, she left early and called someone else in to see out the night.

I feel strongly that there should be no expectation of grandparental childcare, but that, whoever is babysitting children, they need to let the absent parents know if they need to leave for any non-emergency reason, so they they can OK whoever they've got in to replace them.

If I discovered when I was phoning to tell a babysitter I would be home soon that they'd left the children with someone else without letting me know because of their dogs (assuming I wasn't running extremely late, or that there was no emergency), I would think that person was an irresponsible flake, had very odd judgement, or was way out of their comfort zone with my children.

Either way, I wouldn't be letting my children go to the US with them for three weeks.

You can’t take one without the other! I have been numerous times and 4 is a perfect age to go x

Assuming the plan is say Disney, I find it weird that BIL didn’t want his sibling and DD to go and instead wants his mum? That is a bit strange. I wouldn’t invite my mum and then one of my siblings children on a holiday like that so I had company. I don’t think I’d be comfortable, certainly not that length of time.

OK. First, forget the baby-sitting thing, She called in an acceptable deputy. No issue.

And, in this case, forget about who's blood-related to who. DD will love Disney. DS is too young. Grab it DD's behalf, and don't spoil it for her.

Nope nope no no no

You can’t expect other people to include both your kids all the time. Especially when there is a big age difference. And it shouldn’t be too hard to explain to your youngest why he can’t go. Just do something nice with him make a fuss and buy him a nice treat. He’ll be fine. It really wouldn’t be fair on your oldest not to go because her little brother is not invited.
I think you’re having some resentment that your Mil hasn’t seen much of your youngest and maybe you could just let that go and appreciate how much she’s done with your oldest instead.

As others have said, there’s a vast difference for an older person between looking after an 11year old and a 4 year old. Plus your DD’s cousin is also 11 so they will presumably get on together and your DS may feel left out. Can’t imagine a 4 year old would want to go to the US for 3 weeks without his parents anyway. Personally I’d let your daughter go if she wants to whilst you enjoy spending time with your DS. You don’t have to spend a fortune, I’m sure he’ll love having your undivided attention. Personally I’d be more bothered about my MIL leaving the kids with someone else when she’d agreed to babysit. Hope your own parents are a bit more reliable and you can ask them for help in future instead.

I would not my 11 year old go away without me for 3 weeks unless it's a school trip.

COVID-19 is exploding in the USA right now — it has killed 225,000+ people. It’s going to kill a great many more before it’s done.

In what world would you allow your child to run around for THREE WEEKS in Florida where the governor has opened everything up???

Aside from the fact that it’s wholly unfair to your son, I can’t imagine sending my child anywhere near the USA or Florida or Disneyland/DisneyWorld — where the owners “grandly” took a pay-cut then fired thousands of workers and then quietly reinstated that pay cut to themselves.
No and nope. There’s every reason NOT to allow your daughter to go and not a single solitary reason to allow her to go.

I remember being taken by my gran for a wee holiday, and none of my younger siblings were invited. It was great as it made me feel special, and there weren't many advantages to be the oldest as a rule! It's a lot to expect of an elderly lady to handle a 4 year old in a theme park. If your bil is there with his child, it makes sense for your MIL to take one other.

Tricky, I only have one nephew over for sleep over despite pressure from BIL to take both but I'm not comfortable taking the younger one
I assume that's the issue rather than actual favouritism
Your son won't know want he is missing

3 weeks is too long

My late husband and I went with my DD, SIL and their 2 DS’s who were 7 and 3. Unfortunately, the 3 year old took over a week to get properly onto Florida time, and doesn’t remember any of the holiday. We had to hire a stroller everywhere, as it was just too tiring for him. Much better to save this type of experience until children are older. It also meant that at least one adult had to remain with the 3 year old, whilst the rest could go on the rides.

I would not be angry, a little envious maybe, but I would work on saving up, so that we could go as well.

I took my daughter to Florida when she was 8 -9 (Birthday Treat) and feel it was just right as only child and also manageable, but DD did get tired by evening, and I don't think your mum would manage with two children, the fireworks shows are late, so by the time you get back to hotel, it was quite late. Standing in long queues in very hot weather is bad enough, it would be too much for a 4 year old and possibly for your mum to cope with.

Also, if you are going that far to Florida, you do need at least 3 weeks to do all the parks and see other sights, but pre- warning for your mum, it will be expensive and tiring.

You could take DS to Disneyland Paris which is slightly cheaper and explain the rides in Florida are mostly for big children. They have to be a certain height anyway.

If going in 2022 you could start saving now. Or suggest you ALL go to Disneyland Paris, so you could join them and make it a family holiday. That way you and mum could spend time with both children.

YANBU but I see the dilemma.

I agree that at 4yrs it would be too much time away for DS and much harder work so on that basis I would let her go BUT you and DH definitely need to address the very obvious favouritism and the fact she agreed to babysit and buggered off home.

Maybe your, DS and DH could have a holiday together?

personally think Disney sums up all thats wrong with the world, madness
for the masses ,
just saying !
thank fully our kids loved climbing trees wild life and the big outdoors
at that age magic and mystery does not just come from american theme parks ,should I mention global warming and long haul flights !!!!!
masses of plastic junk food etc not a great plan........

YABVU. You are lucky to have such a wonderful invitation. It would be much harder to take a 2 year old on this type of holiday, it is completely reasonable for your MIL to just take your daughter. Children are never treated exactly the same especially if they are different sexes and a significant age difference. He will never notice at this age and will probably be delighted to have your undivided attention for 3 weeks. His time will come and you will have a chance to compensate him. You should be grateful that your generous in laws are treating her.

So, the cousins don't get along and you don't approve of him. Plus US is a mess at the moment. Then three weeks.

And hell will freeze over before I set foot in Disneyland but that's just me

I really don't see what the issue is here. There is nothing tempting about the offer.

Apologies for not RTFT. But could you perhaps take DS to Eurodisney at the same time? I agree it's a handful for MIL and a long trip. Much more affordable and then he doesn't miss out.

No way, she should treat them equally. It’s not fair to take one on the holiday of a lifetime & leave the other one sat at home.

How absolutely awful of her to think this is ok.

I’d definitely say no. Imagine how excited your daughter will be with the build up & how she will be when she gets back & your son has to sit there knowing he wasn’t part of that.

I feel really sad for him.

I think 4 is a great age for Disney also. The key thing here is you MIL is trying to set the agenda for your family in a way that suits her. Don't let her upset you- say no, it's your family and you won't ever be happy with this arrangement.