Am I right to be fuming about this?

[AintNobodyHereButUsChickens]

It's a MIL one and I could really do with some perspective.

We have a DD who is 9 and a half and a DS who is 2 and a half. Since DD was 1, she has had regular sleepovers, days out, even the occasional short (UK) holiday with MIL. This time last year, MIL watched both the children at our house for a few hours while me and DH went out. That is the ONLY time she has spent any time with DS without us there, AND she went home early and called a family friend to sit with them instead. We phoned her to say we were leaving and she said "Oh I've gone home, had to get back for the dogs. I phoned X and she came round to sit with them."

Today, (well, technically yesterday now considering the time :o ) she phoned DH and said in 2022 she wants to take DD to Florida (I guess to Disney) for 3 weeks. If it's relevant, this trip will be paid for by BIL (who will also be going along with his son the same age as DD). My first reaction was to say hell no, she takes both or neither. I'm sure DS will soon start to notice that DD frequently goes to grandmas without him and at 4 he will definitely understand that grandma took his sister on a big holiday and he was left behind.

I'm really torn because it's a trip of a lifetime and DD would have a fantastic time, but we'd never be able to afford to do anything like this so DS will almost certainly miss out on doing it at all which just isn't fair. DH said we could take DS away for a week when DD is away but it's not the point.

WWYD? Would you be angry? Am I right to be angry at this?

It seems very unfair to me, to be honest. I think it's about time your son started getting a bit more attention from his grandmother in general when they go on these little days out. Is there no way you or your husband could go with them for extra support? I mean, I can actually completely understand how she wouldn't want to be responsible for two kids, particularly if one is a toddler, but if the solution is just leaving him out then that's not a solution at all, is it.

With regards to Disney, can't you go with them and make it a nice, family holiday for all of you? Or, if you can't afford that (I know I couldn't!) ask her whether she could put it off a little while until either a) she'd take DS as well when he's old enough to look after himself a little bit more or b) you've had time to save so you can go with them.

Feeling second best isn't good in a family, and while it might not have mattered when your son was young (and he might not think much of it now), it will soon start to matter as he gets old enough to notice he's being left out.

Banning the eldest from doing fun thing because they have to be stuck with a 4 year old and be "equal" only means it's the older child who becomes second best...

A 4 year old will enjoy Paultons Park and Peppa Pig just as much. They won't enjoy a long flight that much.

The 11 year old will have a lot more fun on their own than having to babysit their siblings.

I am all for treating kids equally, gifting them identical amount of money etc., but you have to appreciate the age difference. The turn of the 4 year old will come. It might even be their older sibling taking them away on holiday! The older one hasn't got an older sibling...

Agree or disagree, but being "fuming" sounds over the top.

Feeling second best isn't good in a family, and while it might not have mattered when your son was young (and he might not think much of it now), it will soon start to matter as he gets old enough to notice he's being left out.

That’s pretty easy to avoid though with this specific example. No need to say to a 4yo that his sister is off whooping it up in Disneyland with grandma but at 4yo you will be a pain in the arse so not invited. Just say she has gone on a holiday with cousin, no need to even mention grandma. 4yo’s are not extensive cross-examiners.

As your dh suggested,take your ds away for a week and allow your dd to go,it's a wonderful opportunity.
It will,as pp have said,be much easier with two girls of the same age than taking a four year old too.
The children will make a big thing of one being left out only if you do.
Certainly I would address the favouritism.
Check with your dd she would be happy being away for three weeks first,if she understands how long that is.

You aren't 100% right to be fuming about this situation in particular. As others have said, you can see where the thought comes from and it's not necessarily something that screams 'typical leaving out DS'. Taking one 11 year old with another is VERY different to taking a four year old too, for all the reasons others have said.

But. I think your general irritation at what seems to be a developing favouritism is fair and right and this would be a very good opportunity to put a stop to it. Also - three weeks?! No. Too long, even at 11. Actually WAAAAY too long in the company of one other child that she doesn't get along with...

So, say something like this:

'Oh no I don't think that would work. It's much longer than I'd be happy with DD being away for, especially abroad, and I think it would be way too long to push DD and X together too really. Also, we're getting to the point at which DS is going to notice DD going and that's not fair either. Plus, Mil, three weeks is a long time when you consider that by then DS will be old enough to start spending his time with you too - that's a lot of your time taken up with the kids if things are going to be fair! Seems that a better plan would be to take them both on individual outings a few times - break it up a bit and also spread the time more evenly among them?'

All said nicely but gets across the point that you naturally expect her to start spending quality time with DS.

If she demurs then that's your cue for a raised eyebrow or a slightly surprised comment where you make it clear that no, if she's actually planning to continue to spend time with DD but not DS, then she won't be able to do either. 'Sorry MIL but the last thing we want is for them to feel that you treat them differently or for there to be resentment.'

Definitely NO to three weeks overseas with sweary arsey cousin.

Following your update - it doesn't sound like your DD knows the boy very well anymore - it could be a complete nightmare if they don't get on. If he's that kind of spoilt child it sounds like - it could be an awful holiday for your daughter, especially if her grandma is a bit flaky. 3 weeks away with a brat... hmmm doesn't sound good. Also at that age - they are at that awkward age where they are not kids, but will often be considered as independent and given freedoms but without the maturity to handle it. What happens if theres a disagreement with them - and are they likely to believe the boys accounts to pacify him for an easy life and your daughter is the easy one to fob off.
Your MIL probably has some vision of this lovely time with her sweet grandaughter - but how will she cope with 2 unhappy 11 year olds, will she make tough but fair parenting decisions or will she just go for an easy life to the detriment of your daughter...
I would be denying it, but framed as its too long, the kids don't know each other well enough, and your daughter isn't mature enough to be so far away.

My thoughts-4 is absolutely not too young for disney, I took mine from infancy and both remember great details about various trips from very young.
3 weeks is quite a long time for a first trip away without mum or dad, I suspect 2 weeks will be a better period.
Disney is exhausting, 2 children with different wants from the trip will be hard for anyone to manage for any length of time, I can understand why just the eldest has been invited. Most grandparents would struggle for even a couple of days and it doesn’t sound like MIL is the most robust when it comes to such things, she will have BIL and I suspect DD is being taken as a companion more than for her own benefit, however she would have a wonderful time.
I’m guessing if they are thinking 3 weeks they will be staying in a house in central Florida rather than a hotel. Have you considered flying out with ds midway through the trip if the house allows (offering to top up the house rental if necessary) flights, a contribution to the villa and park tickets might be manageable ?
If not I think it would be a shame for dd to miss out and your Financial position may be different in a few years anyway and allow the same trip for ds.

An 11 year old will be fine for three weeks with her grandma. Ask your dd what she wants.

Two completely separate issues, the trip and the general favouritism
Absolutely!
For the trip it makes sense that only your DD is invited, please don't take it away from her, if she learns about it later on (from her cousin for ex) she would be really angry with you, and rightly so.
For the day to day things, yes I would talk to your MIL but keep in mind that she ages so she might have had the energy to deal with a toddler 5y ago but doesn't still have it.

@PumpkinetChocolat

By the time DD was DS's age MiL had done sleepovers and taken her out on day trips etc.

but by that time, it was an only child.... You can't see why having 2 with such a gap change the dynamic for a grand parent?

It changes for parents too let's be honest you can't treat your 4 year olds exactly the same when 1 was a single child and the other has several older siblings. That's fine.

Oh come off it. She doesn't have to take both of them at the same time but she could take an interest in DS and take him on separate trips just as she did for DD. She never has. From what OP has sais she takes no interest at all in him. So DD will always be the older child who gets nice trips and because DS is younger he's always going to be too young for what they're doing. In a few years he's going to notice and feel bad about it.

Your last update swings it. It’s too long away from home, your Dad doesn’t really get on with the cousin, the cousin is a badly behaved tyrant who may have a negative impact on your DD’s behaviour after 3 weeks. Just no

*DD not Dad!

Nope.

I had all this shit with XMIL and had to put my foot down.

Plus three weeks is far too long.

Just tell him grandma will take him when he's older. She can take him out somewhere special.
Taking 2 children, rather than 1 to disney is tricky anyway and you have a quite a big age gap. Your DS isn't going to be able to go on many of the rides that your DD will want to go on. It's hot and he'll get tired and whingey.

Have you even asked DD what she wants?

Oh come off it. She doesn't have to take both of them at the same time but she could take an interest in DS and take him on separate trips just as she did for DD. She never has.

To be fair to MIL, she's 7 years older now. 2.5yo's aren't easy to deal with. She probably finds she doesn't have the same energy she did 7 years ago.

There is not even a remote chance that I would allow that. Favouritism between siblings is cruel and will create a lot of damage.

Your poor son! He'll be old enough to understand that he's being left behind and also old enough to be interested in Disney. I'm actually really surprised that anyone would think this was ok.

If it was someone else offering to take your DD on this trip of a lifetime (such as a wealthy school friend and family) would you make DD miss out because DS wasn't invited/you can't afford to take DS yourself?
Surely not?

It's reasonable to ask MIL to spend more time with DS doing age appropriate stuff (assuming she is fit and well enough to). It's not reasonable to expect her to take him on this trip or to make your daughter miss out just because he's not old enough to go.

I don’t see this as a situation where separate experiences are necessary. It’s not a friend offering to do it (of one child) neither is it a school trip, it’s a family member going to a family theme park. IMO with the history it’s a definite no. Equally, why Florida, why not France and both kids/whole family? It would be cheaper, you could all go together and not an issue re long flights and so on for young kids. If she spends less time with younger Dc due to age related tiredness, she doesn’t need to take them all the way to Florida? DS will be 4, perfectly old enough to enjoy lots of Disneyland - it’s made to suit young children too. Yeah, it’s better with groups where one of you can take young kids in gentle rides and another will take older kids on the more extreme rides, but otherwise there’s no issue at all in a 4yo going. No children don’t all have the same experiences in life, but a grandma investing heaps of time in one and not in the other is unacceptable to me. It’s sad she’s not invested time in your ds, in my book if she’s got energy and inclination to fly to Florida and traipse round a theme park all day for 3 weeks, she’s got the energy to have a quiet day out with a 2.5 year old - or even a quiet day in!

Fuming? I think you should be delighted and grateful DD gets that chance.

Taking 2 same-age cousins to Disney is a great experience for her age. . Adding a 4 yr old makes everything harder. ( long flights, bedtimes,what kind of rides/food theylike, , too long away from/missing mummy, everything) .

Lovely opportunity for DD (if covid allows in 2022). When you have kids 7 years apart there will always be different parties, friends, activities, interests. You're surely not going to limit a 9 yr old's life and activities to what/ who a 2 yr old likes and can cope with?
When she is 18 and off the nest , he'll only be 11; plenty of time then for him to have his own solo adventures .

@babygroups

Oh come off it. She doesn't have to take both of them at the same time but she could take an interest in DS and take him on separate trips just as she did for DD. She never has.

To be fair to MIL, she's 7 years older now. 2.5yo's aren't easy to deal with. She probably finds she doesn't have the same energy she did 7 years ago.

Possibly but you'd think she'd at least come over and see him with the parents. If she was taking DD for sleepovers when she was a baby 8 years ago unless she has some serious health issues in that time it's unlikely she's now completely incapable of showing a bit of interest in a two year old.

Possibly but you'd think she'd at least come over and see him with the parents.

I don't think op has said that she doesn't visit or show an interest. Just that she doesn't have the toddler on her own.

I think my take on it would be, why would someone book a holiday when we don’t know when things will return to ‘normal’ in the travel world.

I also think three weeks is a long time to take a child away for.

It would be a nice opportunity to spoil your son and have some time with him, without his sister being there.

I think my overriding concern would be why she treats the children differently. My mother used to treat and spoil my brother’s children, but did very little with my son. I’ll be honest, it did sting.

I would probably say three weeks is too long. If it were two weeks I’d probably say yes and really spoil my son whilst his sister was away. I’d probably try and address the different treatment another time.

I went on holiday with my grandparents when I was 12 as my siblings were much younger. We went too a tour of India for 3 weeks and it was one of the best holidays I’ve ever been on. It’s even more special now as my grandad passed away about 9 months later so I’m very fortunate to have spent that time with him. No issues with my siblings, we are all very close and there was no jealousy or any issues arising from me going away without them. It was just opportunity and the fact I was mature at 12 so my grandparents felt able to cope. They couldn’t have managed with all 3 of us, especially as my db was only 5 at the time.

There’s a huge difference between 4 and 11. Tbh, 4 seems too young for Disney anyway, and for being away for 3 weeks.

I don't think most 11 year olds will want to be away for 3 weeks. It is a LONG time at that age, even if you are at Disney.

I think the 4 year olds is WAY too small to go, and would be hard work for MIL and BIL.

I don't think all kids should have the same experience.
BUT this isn't actually about this holiday at all, it is about the favouritism. And I think that is clouding your response.

You need to address that outside of the holiday issue.