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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I right to be fuming about this?

295 replies

AintNobodyHereButUsChickens · 21/10/2020 01:30

It's a MIL one and I could really do with some perspective.

We have a DD who is 9 and a half and a DS who is 2 and a half. Since DD was 1, she has had regular sleepovers, days out, even the occasional short (UK) holiday with MIL. This time last year, MIL watched both the children at our house for a few hours while me and DH went out. That is the ONLY time she has spent any time with DS without us there, AND she went home early and called a family friend to sit with them instead. We phoned her to say we were leaving and she said "Oh I've gone home, had to get back for the dogs. I phoned X and she came round to sit with them."

Today, (well, technically yesterday now considering the time :o ) she phoned DH and said in 2022 she wants to take DD to Florida (I guess to Disney) for 3 weeks. If it's relevant, this trip will be paid for by BIL (who will also be going along with his son the same age as DD). My first reaction was to say hell no, she takes both or neither. I'm sure DS will soon start to notice that DD frequently goes to grandmas without him and at 4 he will definitely understand that grandma took his sister on a big holiday and he was left behind.

I'm really torn because it's a trip of a lifetime and DD would have a fantastic time, but we'd never be able to afford to do anything like this so DS will almost certainly miss out on doing it at all which just isn't fair. DH said we could take DS away for a week when DD is away but it's not the point.

WWYD? Would you be angry? Am I right to be angry at this?

OP posts:

PumpkinetChocolat · 21/10/2020 13:12

I don't think most 11 year olds will want to be away for 3 weeks. It is a LONG time at that age, even if you are at Disney.

It's quite common at that age, especially with working parents, it tends to start with Primary School and parents can't take the whole summer off.

Don't send a child to be bullied by their cousin obviously, but don't punish your DD if she wants to go. It's not her fault she has a younger sibling who is too young!

Coffeeandaride · 21/10/2020 13:13

I’ve only read your posts OP but 3 weeks seem too long. Yes it would be good if she had more interest in your son.

JaffaCake70 · 21/10/2020 13:16

I think let DD go, it's too big an opportunity to be missed. Don't talk about it too much as DS gets older, and don't make a fuss about it, play it down then he won't feel like he's missing much.

When DD actually goes, why don't you take him away for a week too, that way he's getting a little holiday aswell :-)

diddl · 21/10/2020 13:29

"Fuming? I think you should be delighted and grateful DD gets that chance."

Really?

Is it such a big thing being offered?

Three weeks with a GM who goes home early from babysitting & a cousin she doesn't get on with?

JeanneFrench · 21/10/2020 13:34

The holiday is not unreasonable, DBIL is paying for your DD to keep her cousin company and they are both old enough to enjoy Disney and cope with longhaul flight, etc.

MIL's day to day treatment of your DS sounds VU.

flaviaritt · 21/10/2020 13:38

*Is it such a big thing being offered?

Three weeks with a GM who goes home early from babysitting & a cousin she doesn't get on with?*

Some genuine gold-plated ingrates in the world, aren’t there?

diddl · 21/10/2020 13:44

"Some genuine gold-plated ingrates in the world, aren’t there?"

???

flaviaritt · 21/10/2020 13:45

diddl

What is confusing you?

diddl · 21/10/2020 13:46

@flaviaritt

diddl

What is confusing you?

What you've posted!

Who is an ingrate & why?

MolyHolyGuacamole · 21/10/2020 13:48

I don't think it's favouritism so much as her being a while 7 years older than when your DD was little. Small children are hard work.

ElsieMc · 21/10/2020 13:51

This issue split our family. Like you, I wanted my dd1 to have a great holiday abroad and agreed albeit with misgivings. But she was not returned after the week. My dh contacted MIL and she said she "always" went for two weeks. We were definitely not told this and it ran into school time. I kept calm but once she was home it was never again. My dd's behaviour was also atrocious on return with comment from school.

MIL always wanted dd1 never dd2. But it wasn't just that, it was gifts as well. DD1 was showered with gifts whilst dd2 was sent £1.50 in coins actually through the post for an easter egg. She was not even bought a small gift on her birth nor a card.

One weekend SIL came to collect dd1 and it was so clear dd did not want to go. It resulted in SIL getting very nasty with her and I just wanted her SIL/MIL out of my house.

It had to end, she was disrupting and controlling my family and separating my girls as though we were divorced. I should have spoken up sooner, that is my only regret.

flaviaritt · 21/10/2020 13:53

diddl

Anyone who doesn’t understand that being offered a free 3 week holiday to the US is a pretty big kindness and who can’t do anything but moan about it. Just... because. That’s what an ingrate is. Someone who is needlessly ungrateful.

Cheeseandwin5 · 21/10/2020 14:10

Sorry you sound massively entitled.
Your BIL is going to pay for a once in a lifetime trip and your MIL will look after your DD and your response is not Thank you but they should take my DS too.
How about you ask if you can join them and pay for you and your two DC yourself.
The favoritism is annoying and you should have a word with your MIL if you think that is the case.
Your subsequent posts don't really make sense.- If your MIL and BIL's children are so bad why would you want them to take both kids. I have to say I am quite skeptical about those comments.
Have you asked your DD what she wants to do? If she doesn't want to go than fine don't send her, But if she does than I would thank your MIL and BIL for their kindness and generosity. I feel I need to add that you shouldn't put any pressure that effects her decision, because I suspect you would and she will realise this in later years.

LonelyFromCorona · 21/10/2020 14:15

Suggest Disneyland Paris for a few days as an alternative, given that 3 weeks is excessive, and its not for certain that she will be able to offer your DS the same/similar opportunity as the Florida trip when he is older.

Easier for you to do something comparable with DS for a few days too, so he won't miss out if you compare a couple days at the beach/peppa pig/legoland/whatever vs 3 days in Disneyland Paris.

TheDuchessofMalfy · 21/10/2020 14:22

I think three weeks away is going to be too long at age 11. Also, how can you know how you are all going to feel come 2022? How well she’ll be getting in with said cousin?

I think in general the fact MIL is so much older for ds than she was for dd is the root of a lot of this. My ex ILs looked after dd a lot as a baby and small child, took her on a camping trip etc. With ds (5 year gap) they basically felt much older and more frail, and weren’t able to do this.

My Mum on the other hand was young enough to look after ds as a baby and still can now as he’s 6, but if I were to have another baby now she’d likely say not to all that physical baby and toddler stuff!

PumpkinetChocolat · 21/10/2020 14:23

I don't get the "missing out" for the 4 year old.

Long flights are boring at that age.

Disney is a HUGE place and it's exhausting, you need to go at a totally different place with a little one and ensure they have a great time.

3 weeks without your parents at that age is a long time.

Plan to take them to Disney in 7 - 10 years to make it "fair" if you want.
Don't punish the older child, it should ONLY be about what they want and if they would enjoy it.

Again, I am all for treating my kids equally, but my eldest ones who have missed an awful lot if they had been stopped from doing anything their younger siblings couldn't.

diddl · 21/10/2020 14:27

@flaviaritt

diddl

Ah, OK.

Well I wouldn't be ungrateful for the offer, but in the circs (daughter might not enjoy due to cousin, three weeks might be too long), I might not accept.

flaviaritt · 21/10/2020 14:28

Well I wouldn't be ungrateful for the offer, but in the circs (daughter might not enjoy due to cousin, three weeks might be too long), I might not accept.

That sounds reasonable.

diddl · 21/10/2020 14:35

@flaviaritt

Well I wouldn't be ungrateful for the offer, but in the circs (daughter might not enjoy due to cousin, three weeks might be too long), I might not accept.

That sounds reasonable.

I suppose I was also thinking if (& it's a big if!) BIL knows that Op's daughter isn't likely to want to go, then it's not really an offer at all.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 21/10/2020 14:42

Nope, the bully boy cousin would end it for me.

jdoejnr1 · 21/10/2020 14:57

My MIL did similar except they kept claiming my kids were to young so would take their other grandkids instead. This has gone on for over a decade and the other grandkids have had huge amounts of time and money given to them while my kids watched on. We no longer let them see their grandkids except on our terms and won't accept any gifts of them. YANBU and if they couldn't afford/cope with both then don't offer.

jessstan1 · 21/10/2020 15:17

I don't blame Grandma for not feeling up to taking a four year old away to America but the bullying cousin would be a deal breaker for me, unless he's outgrown it. Find out what the sleeping arrangements are too.

Does your daughter want to go? That is relevant. I doubt your little boy would care except to miss his sister but she'll be going on school trips before he does.

ChocolateCherrybomb · 21/10/2020 16:05

If you take your DS away to even things up, how is your DD going to feel about that.

Your DS is barely aware that his nan is showing favouritism but your DD may feel that her mum and dad waited till she was out of the picture to go have fun with her little brother which is much more hurtful.

You might view it as fair and logical but our little humans are not always logical in their thinking. Even an eleven year old is not necessarily going to see three weeks at Disney with nan and a cousin she doesn't like as having any more value than a week in Blackpool with mum and dad and her little brother.

If you are not careful, you might set in motion resentments that last a lifetime.

PumpkinetChocolat · 21/10/2020 16:20

If you are not careful, you might set in motion resentments that last a lifetime.

I am sure the OP can ask the child in question what they think? There's enough warning to have time to discuss and think about it.

If the 9 year old is dead against the idea, the whole thread is a moot point.

Woui · 21/10/2020 17:00

Just to say that my parents took my DC away to the USA every summer (for a month) from the age of 10. They have a really good relationship and the opportunity for him outweighed my concerns.

Given the age gap I wouldn't be too concerned about perceived favioursium.

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