Am I right to be fuming about this?

[AintNobodyHereButUsChickens]

It's a MIL one and I could really do with some perspective.

We have a DD who is 9 and a half and a DS who is 2 and a half. Since DD was 1, she has had regular sleepovers, days out, even the occasional short (UK) holiday with MIL. This time last year, MIL watched both the children at our house for a few hours while me and DH went out. That is the ONLY time she has spent any time with DS without us there, AND she went home early and called a family friend to sit with them instead. We phoned her to say we were leaving and she said "Oh I've gone home, had to get back for the dogs. I phoned X and she came round to sit with them."

Today, (well, technically yesterday now considering the time :o ) she phoned DH and said in 2022 she wants to take DD to Florida (I guess to Disney) for 3 weeks. If it's relevant, this trip will be paid for by BIL (who will also be going along with his son the same age as DD). My first reaction was to say hell no, she takes both or neither. I'm sure DS will soon start to notice that DD frequently goes to grandmas without him and at 4 he will definitely understand that grandma took his sister on a big holiday and he was left behind.

I'm really torn because it's a trip of a lifetime and DD would have a fantastic time, but we'd never be able to afford to do anything like this so DS will almost certainly miss out on doing it at all which just isn't fair. DH said we could take DS away for a week when DD is away but it's not the point.

WWYD? Would you be angry? Am I right to be angry at this?

[Nicolastuffedone]

I think it’s clear NeonGenisus replied to the wrong thread.

I’d hate the favouritism. I honestly don’t know what I’d do regarding the holiday, but I’d definitely be having a discussion about favouring one child over the other!

[Happylittlethoughts]

No. Absolutely wouldn't allow this! No way

[Bluntness100]

I also think there is a world of difference between taking an eleven year old and taking a four year old. Your nephew being the same age as your daughter, if they get on well, which I assume they do, means they have each other to mess about with.

Although I think we all understand your point, I don’t think this is the hill to die on and have your daughter miss out, your son is a bit young for them to take on this trip.

[NeonGenesis]

@Nicolastuffedone not me, different user

[Caeruleanblue]

I think the first born DGC can gets loads more attention than ensuing ones and the more there are often the less the interest. It's just fact that a novelty is exciting another the same is not. But as DS gets older DGMs interest might increase, 4 is still very young. But unless you inform the 4 year old they won't know whether the elder one has been favoured over them - different if they were the same ages and one being favoured.

[AlwaysCheddar]

Are birthday and Christmas presents equitable between your dd and ds from your mil?

[BluntAndToThePoint80]

My children have been going to Disneyworld since about 6 months old, every 6 months (roughly) prior to the pandemic. They’ve travelled fine.

My eldest could remember it in great detail between visits when she was 2 1/2 to 3.
Even to the point she knew which rides we hadn’t been on yet and where they were. To those saying 4 is too young or they won’t remember - I’d disagree. I think it’s perfect as it’s so magical and they believe it’s all real. To older kids, it’s more of a fast ride theme park type experience (which is still great) but it’s not as special as seeing a younger child meet the real Cinderella.

I get it’s harder for your MIL to take the youngest, and 3 weeks would be too long for a child they young, but in my opinion I think it makes a difference that this is a once in a lifetime family trip that your youngest is being excluded from. I’d perhaps be more relaxed if you could afford to do it later with all the family, or if it was a school trip that the youngest could do when she was older. It’s so special I could justify it if I had no chance to allow the younger the same opportunity.

There are quite sensible reasons here for only wanting to take the older child, but I’m not sure I’d allow it.

I also think the favouritism needs to be addressed here in terms of other behaviours outside of the holiday, along with her leaving your children while babysitting.

[MilkandWater]

Why would you even consider letting your children go on a long trip to another continent with someone who couldn’t even look after them together for a single evening???

Even for your daughter, that is a long time away from home — are you sure she’d even want to be that far away from you for three weeks?

[HeronLanyon]

I think you are being u for being ‘angry’.
However - 3 weeks !!! This seems way too long for your dd to be away and so far away ?
Any chance of your dh going (for shorter time) so it becomes more of an IL family break - mum two sons and two grandchildren?
I just don’t see any inequality at all - your dd will be a perfect age, your dd too young. Obviously you’ll need to handle your ds not going or possibly seeing it as unfair but that’s a standard part of juggling kids with age gaps and what they get to do when etc. ??
Good luck op.

[CatteStreet]

Three weeks is too long IMO, even at 11, and I'm not keen on Disney(what on earth would there be to do for three whole weeks at Disney?), quite apart from the general difficulties that come with this sort of thing when someone else is paying. What if she falls out with the BIL's child or doesn't behave sufficiently 'gratefully' in their eyes? Can of worms. So it would be a no from me on that basis. The favouritism needs addressing. 'MIL, we've very pleased that dd gets so much time with you, and we get that you find dd/one child easier than ds/both, but at some point he's going to start noticing that you do much more with dd than you do with him, and if and when that happens and if it upsets him, we're going to have to start reducing your time with dd as otherwise we'd be letting unfairness go on in the family.' Then leave it to her to think about.

[blackcat86]

Neither would be going if it were me unless BIL and SIL are super responsible and you know that they will actually be doing the bulk of the caring with MIL there to spend time with her DGC. She couldn't even look after them for a short period of time. The favouritism is harsh and it may just mean its not an appropriate time to do such big trips when she can't or won't also take the 4 year old. Its a long time for either child to be away even at 11. What is MILs plan for spending time with your son?

[HaggieMaggie]

In short, 3 weeks. No. Too long.

Questions need asking about favouritism, and whether it is this or whether your son is just too much hard work being little.

My brothers children are a whole generation younger than mine and my DP never did with them the things they did with mine. No energy and much less patience. They love them dearly though and presents have always been equal.

[GnomeDePlume]

I would not agree to such a trip for either or both DCs. 3 weeks is too long.

I also disagree that this is a 'trip of a lifetime'. Florida will still be there in years to come.

Bailing on a babysitting arrangement part way through is atrocious. Did you agree that the family friend should babysit?

[dottiedaisee]

I would let the 11 year old go , as long as she is mature enough to be away for three weeks . I would also tell MIL quite clearly that you hope that the youngest will get a lovely treat when he is older ,regardless of who paid for this trip ! . The age difference between 11 and 4 is vast so it would be too much time away for 4 year old and a much higher risk of it going wrong ! What happened a year ago is far too late to bring up now so not really relevant .

[OverTheRainbow88]

MIL was 8 years younger when your DD was 1.

Maybe she can’t physically cope with a 2 year old being 8 years old now.

[yellowmaoampinball]

You definitely need to address the favouritism - or your dh does. I'm usually all for 'equal doesn't mean the same' but it doesn't sound like your DS is having an equal but different relationship with his grandparent.

I'd use this offer as excuse to bring this into the light and address it. How mil responds to that would dictate my response to the florida offer.

My mil favoured my son and used to make it pretty obvious. My dh called her on it time and again, as did my sister in law. We never allowed her to give the many presents she bought just for him to DS because she never did the same for dd. To her credit she took it on board and the favouritism became much less apparent, allowing her to develop a sweet relationship with dd.

[44PumpLane]

Two completely separate issues, the trip and the general favouritism.

The trip... If your DD wants to go and is mature enough to cope without you for 3 weeks then let her go. If you don't see yourself affording it in the future then it literally is a trip of a lifetime for her.
I go to Disney World (pre pandemic) once or twice a year and enjoy myself so much. There are lots of things to see, things to do and experiences to have.

The other issue, as others have said, is how your MIL treats the two kids but you have to look beyond the obvious. If she's equitable with gifts and attention while on supervised visits I imagine that maybe your youngest is just too hard for her to manage at the minute.

[JamminDoughnuts]

Three weeks is very long
i am not sure i would be happy about leaving one out.

[MumUndone]

I would be more concerned that your MIL decided she couldn't be bothered to look after the kids and rang someone else to take over! No way would I want her to take my son on holiday after that, even if she did agree to take both kids.

[Redwolf1]

I would say no. If your DS was a little younger then I'd maybe let her go but at 4 he will definitely understand where dd is going and that hes not invited. My dd has asked to go to Disneyland since she turned 4. I'd also make some effort to encourage mil to spend more time with ds

[Noideawhatusername]

I understand your frustration but we have had various levels of Covid restrictions for many months now and that would be part of the reason your MIL hasn’t taken your DS on outings etc.

[MilkandWater]

@MumUndone

I would be more concerned that your MIL decided she couldn't be bothered to look after the kids and rang someone else to take over! No way would I want her to take my son on holiday after that, even if she did agree to take both kids.

Yes, that’s the key issue! And I’m not convinced by her ability to judge safety/safeguarding, either, depending on the identity of the family friend she called to take over!

[JamminDoughnuts]

can you save up to go with ds too?

[LynetteScavo]

Taking a 10yo away for three weeks is very different to taking a 10 and a 4yo. I imagine taking both could be exhausting for your MIL.

I would be happy to let a 10yo go but not a 4 yo- it's a very long time away for a little one. So I would let the 10 yo go, just because it's not suitable for both children.

I have three DC and they don't all do exactly the same things with grandparents.

Maybe in the future your BIL will pay for something for your DS and overall things will be fair?

[LizzieSiddal]

Why aren’t you wanting her to spend some quality time with your son in the UK, rather than her taking your son away for 3 weeks to USA?

• he’s far too young to go away for three weeks with someone he doesn’t spend much time with!
  
• It would be very difficult for MIL to look after a 4 yo for three weeks!
  

Let your dd go to USA with her gran and cousin but ask your MIL to start spending time with her grandson also.