Am I right to be fuming about this?

[AintNobodyHereButUsChickens]

It's a MIL one and I could really do with some perspective.

We have a DD who is 9 and a half and a DS who is 2 and a half. Since DD was 1, she has had regular sleepovers, days out, even the occasional short (UK) holiday with MIL. This time last year, MIL watched both the children at our house for a few hours while me and DH went out. That is the ONLY time she has spent any time with DS without us there, AND she went home early and called a family friend to sit with them instead. We phoned her to say we were leaving and she said "Oh I've gone home, had to get back for the dogs. I phoned X and she came round to sit with them."

Today, (well, technically yesterday now considering the time :o ) she phoned DH and said in 2022 she wants to take DD to Florida (I guess to Disney) for 3 weeks. If it's relevant, this trip will be paid for by BIL (who will also be going along with his son the same age as DD). My first reaction was to say hell no, she takes both or neither. I'm sure DS will soon start to notice that DD frequently goes to grandmas without him and at 4 he will definitely understand that grandma took his sister on a big holiday and he was left behind.

I'm really torn because it's a trip of a lifetime and DD would have a fantastic time, but we'd never be able to afford to do anything like this so DS will almost certainly miss out on doing it at all which just isn't fair. DH said we could take DS away for a week when DD is away but it's not the point.

WWYD? Would you be angry? Am I right to be angry at this?

[africanantelope]

It's a no from me!!! What a cow!!! I wouldn't even be letting her see my dd at all if she didn't wanna see my ds. Luckily my mum and my ex's parents love and spend time with all 3 of my children. I just think that is so so cruel.

[Zyzxyz]

I think if granny is paying you don't have the right to insist she take the other child. You can't control what other people do. You could not let your child go but then she'd miss out on some cool, fun experiences.

[Zyzxyz]

And I agree with another blogger. I am a trained, master child development expert and at this stage in my life two grandkids would be too much, even for me. Just respect the wishes of grandparents.There are reasons for their reluctance to take on additional stress and responsibility. Be grateful with what you can get. No offense, but alot of people on this blog seem really entitled when it comes to their aging parents.

[Rollmopsrule]

The Disney holiday sounds more like common sense than favouritism. Your son will be too young and I would imagine zero fun for all involved.

[lioncitygirl]

@AintNobodyHereButUsChickens

I could have written this myself - my husband is one of 5 boys. My mother in law always wanted a girl so dotes on my daughter - not my son. Painful to see but it is such. The issue here is not Florida - the issue is the blatant favouritism. That aside, if that was properly addressed I would consider letting my daughter go because 4 seems young for Florida anyway. But if not addressed then no.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

This problem isn’t about Disneyland but the fact the GM hasn’t ever really done anything with her gs when by the same age, his sister had a close relationship with her gm
The only time she was supposed to look after him she spent little time their and then called around for someone to take over

Whilst the adults might be warned not to make a big thing of his sister having this trip of a lifetime is the dd going to return and not speak about all the fantastic things she did.

If he hasn’t noticed already he will soon become aware that not only does his gm not like him he will also become aware how badly he gets treated by his gm.

As I said at 4 years old Ds went to Disney for the first time. He loved it and still refers to it even though he is now 18.



Yes we took a buggy and buggy board for him and his sister but they really didn’t use it much. It was handy for hats and towels, sunscreen and bags etc.

[Zyzxyz]

The point is that gran wants to take her grandchild. End of story. I mean granny could catch Covid between now and the Disney trip and this rumination would be over. Let granny be who she is with all her faults because life is short and none of us know what will be tomorrow.

[Zyzxyz]

And quite frankly, if she let her daughter miss out on this wonderful opportunity over some misplaced feelings of fairness then that would be a tragedy and her daughter might resent her the rest of her life. Let people be who they are , forgive them and move on.

[Zyzxyz]

And no, she can rave about her trip afterwards. She should just make sure to bring her baby brother a goofy or Micky hat and a huge sucker so he can vicariously live out the experience through her.

[NeonGenesis]

Seems a bit mean to exclude one child, given that it seems their GM has already excluded him from so much.

[Blueink]

It’s fine for her to go and I don’t see it as favouritism or unfair. Her brother is really little and caring for 2 children with one much younger is very different from 1 older one. I don’t think 3 weeks is too long, she’s with her grandmother who she is close with, but you would need to discuss that with your DD.
It’s a different conversation about her relationship with your younger son, coming from how to build that relationship, not comparing or being critical or saying she’s being unfair, which likely wouldn’t go well.

[Porridgeoat]

He’s only 4. You or MIL could take him to paultons park or Lego land for the day or overnighter.

[Zyzxyz]

Children adjust. I think you guys are over thinking this. He's four. He can do special things later. Stop putting conditions on Granny, she can spend her money as she wishes.

[Zyzxyz]

If granny suddenly retracted her offer, then you'd probably be pissed about that too. Never look a gift horse in the mouth. This is making a mountain out of a mole hill. Be grateful you have a Mil who can afford such luxuries on your daughter and actually wants to spend her retirement on her. Sorry, maybe life is tougher in the U.S. I just don't understand the "nothing's any good mentality."

[FlatandFabulous]

“what a cow” for not taking a 4yo boy on a holiday offered to an 11yo girl, really! Your mana bear instincts are overriding any sense of reasonableness. Taking an 11yo on holiday is fun, taking a 4yo is hard work. You are being ridiculous OP and I feel sorry for your daughter. Your son’s time will come.

[pollysproggle]

Yep, in agreement with it being a non issue. Let her go.
I have 3 children, a teenager and two little ones.
When my eldest was young there were endless offers of babysitting and weekends away with him because grandparents were younger. I don't get that with the younger two because it's probably just too much hard work for them now.
A couple of hours with the small ones and they're knackered!
I do things separately with my children too because of the age difference.

If I were you I'd snap up the Disneyland offer and be very very grateful.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

Children adjust

Sometimes children forget specific incidents but they don’t really adjust fully.

The unfairness will always be there to drive a wedge between the 2 siblings.

I can remember some incidents from when I was little. But overall there were people in my life who I always felt treated me unfairly and I cut them out as soon as I could.

It is the BIL who is paying and taking his mum and a cousin who is the same age but the 2 don’t get on.

Does your dd actually want to spend 3 weeks with her cousin who will get to chose which rides they go on and what they do and will be confined to the house/hotel room each night with gm and him whilst his parents presumably will be hitting Down Town Orlando.

Sounds a great holiday in theory but 3 weeks if she isn’t enjoying it is going to be purgatory

[Cheeseandwin5]

@eeyore228
Assuming the plan is say Disney, I find it weird that BIL didn’t want his sibling and DD to go and instead wants his mum? That is a bit strange

Is it though, many children prefer the company of their parents to their siblings. My sister and my mum are very close, and travel on holidays in a way that I am not sure I would be able too

[Cheeseandwin5]

@munchkinman
You can’t take one without the other! I have been numerous times and 4 is a perfect age to go x

And who was looking after this 4 year old? More than likely it was the parents.
Even when my kids were that age, I wouldn't have wanted to look after someone else 4 year old for that amount of time

[SVRT19674]

This thing that everything has to be absolutely the same for a four year old and an 11 year old to be fair is really weird in my opinion. They are very different ages. My brother and I are three years appart and no, we werent joined by the hip and did different things apart. It is a great opportunity for your eldest, just let her enjoy it fgs. I went on a trip to England when I was nearly 13 and stayed for a month and had a super time and still remember it fondly. Dont remember when I went when I was four. Your son will have other opportunities to do that or other things, why make a big deal. Also there is no way I would look after someonelse's toddler for three weeks and it is also way too long for a toddler to be away from you.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

But when the 11 year old was a 4 year old then he should expect certain things to be the same or similar.

The MIL is creating a chasm between siblings and even if he hasn’t noticed it yet he will very soon see the difference between how his sister gets treated as the golden child by their gm and how he gets treated.

He will start noticing that at a certain age she got something that when he got to that age he didn’t get.

It is a slippery slope that eventually will break them up and the repercussions will be felt by you for not stopping it

The Disney trip wouldn’t be such a huge deal if the gm had treated them similarly but it is just another excuse to treat dd and not Ds

[SecretSpAD]

I guess you all missed the bit where the OP said that her mother in law actually adored the younger son and couldn't wait to take him out, but has back problems so can't pick him up then?

[tinkerbellvspredator]

I can see why you're upset about the general situation but let DD go to Florida (it's too big a trip for a 4 year old) and take him for a Tots break at Butlins instead which he will.love - and big up the getting mummy and daddy to himself element.

[diddl]

@SecretSpAD

I guess you all missed the bit where the OP said that her mother in law actually adored the younger son and couldn't wait to take him out, but has back problems so can't pick him up then?

That wasn't about MIL, but the friend who babysat when MIL decided to go home part way through.

[choli]

@FlatandFabulous

“what a cow” for not taking a 4yo boy on a holiday offered to an 11yo girl, really! Your mana bear instincts are overriding any sense of reasonableness. Taking an 11yo on holiday is fun, taking a 4yo is hard work. You are being ridiculous OP and I feel sorry for your daughter. Your son’s time will come.

No it won't if the OP keeps up this attitude. There would be no more holiday plans from me if I was faced with this sort of reaction to a generous offer.