Am I right to be fuming about this?

[AintNobodyHereButUsChickens]

It's a MIL one and I could really do with some perspective.

We have a DD who is 9 and a half and a DS who is 2 and a half. Since DD was 1, she has had regular sleepovers, days out, even the occasional short (UK) holiday with MIL. This time last year, MIL watched both the children at our house for a few hours while me and DH went out. That is the ONLY time she has spent any time with DS without us there, AND she went home early and called a family friend to sit with them instead. We phoned her to say we were leaving and she said "Oh I've gone home, had to get back for the dogs. I phoned X and she came round to sit with them."

Today, (well, technically yesterday now considering the time :o ) she phoned DH and said in 2022 she wants to take DD to Florida (I guess to Disney) for 3 weeks. If it's relevant, this trip will be paid for by BIL (who will also be going along with his son the same age as DD). My first reaction was to say hell no, she takes both or neither. I'm sure DS will soon start to notice that DD frequently goes to grandmas without him and at 4 he will definitely understand that grandma took his sister on a big holiday and he was left behind.

I'm really torn because it's a trip of a lifetime and DD would have a fantastic time, but we'd never be able to afford to do anything like this so DS will almost certainly miss out on doing it at all which just isn't fair. DH said we could take DS away for a week when DD is away but it's not the point.

WWYD? Would you be angry? Am I right to be angry at this?

[choli]

I suspect that there would be no issue if this trip was proposed by the OPs mother and brother. Just another "the in laws" bitch post.

[AnotherSlice]

@thegreenlight

And people giving advice about 3 weeks being too long for ‘Disneyland’ - They are going to ‘Disneyworld’ which is ENORMOUS, not just one park. And they can do universal and the other parks too. I could live there, let alone do 3 weeks!

It isn't actually confirmed where they are going. she phoned DH and said in 2022 she wants to take DD to Florida (I guess to Disney) for 3 weeks.

Anyway, the OP hasn't been seen for a week. LOL.

[thegreenlight]

And people giving advice about 3 weeks being too long for ‘Disneyland’ - They are going to ‘Disneyworld’ which is ENORMOUS, not just one park. And they can do universal and the other parks too. I could live there, let alone do 3 weeks!

[thegreenlight]

People do realise that 3 weeks in Disney World is a minimum £15k + holiday, don’t they? And that’s not including spending money or food (which is ludicrously expensive on property) That’s why it’s known as a once in a lifetime trip for some. People saying ‘take her later yourselves’ don’t seem to get that. Let her go. She’ll have an AMAZING time. Or take them both yourself and stump up the money.

[Halliehallie9828]

@Zyzxyz

The gran is paying for the expensive trip. She has a right to take whichever grandchild she wants. You all are so spoiled.

BIL is actually paying so granny isn’t the one spending her coin!

She doesn’t have a right to pick which grandchild she prefers. Treat them fairly or don’t bother.

[TallFriendlyGinger]

3 weeks might be a bit long but for Florida you need a long trip to make the most of the flights. An 11 year old will love and remember a Disneyland trip, a 4 year old won't. Bringing your son would completely change the dynamic of the trip and make it really difficult. As long as you can have an honest conversation with Mil to explain your worries about leaving out your son, let your daughter go on this amazing trip and spend some quality time with your son. Your daughter would probably be really upset and resentful if you don't let her go, I remember not being allowed a day out to legoland with Brownies by my mum at a similar age because it "wasn't fair on my brother".

[Catrin70]

I would worry about your DD being with MIL for 3 weeks. My son and his wife and their 2 children (about 8 and 12) They enjoyed it but said it was incredibly hot and the kids were done in at the end of the day, and so were the parents ! And it was incredibly crowded and the 8 yr old was so tired they hired a pushchair. I don't know how much MIL knows about Florida and its attractions. Is she able herself to withstand it all - is BIL growing then it might be better. I wouldn't bring in the thing about her going home and favouring one child over the other. What does your DH think

[AibuTellMe]

Big age gap op. Perfect age for an 11 year old. Not so much for a 4 year old. VOTED YABU.

[throwaway100000]

I was going to say you’re right, but then again, there is a large age gap between your kids and it seems like your MIL can’t handle younger children? Going on a trip with a 11 year old and a 4 year old is completely different. She won’t really be able to bond with your daughter as much as she wants as your 4 year old will naturally be the focus due to his young age. For example they wouldn’t be able to go anywhere that he’s too young or too short to use eg certain rides - it does change the dynamic. Especially if there isn’t another adult in the group.

I think if your children were more similar in age or if he was older, you would be right that they are being treated unfairly. But for now, I think it’s okay as he may be too young to participate/fully enjoy the outings?

[SurroundedByIdiotsEverywhere]

Your daughter & BIL son are around the same age and will be able to go on rides together height wise!

I took DD to Disney Florida when she was 4 or 5 and it was fantastic but I felt I needed another holiday as I was knackered as it has tons of walking to do on the parks. I also carried her a lot...

Let your daughter go and do what your husband suggests!

[Oliversmumsarmy]

The gran is paying for the expensive trip

It is the BIL who is footing the bill

[Localocal]

Children with such a big age gap will inevitably have different experiences. Your son is way too young for Disneyworld, would probably be terrified at the idea of being sent away from you for three weeks. And taking care of a four year old is a wildly different thing from an 11 year old.

Much younger children do not expect to be able to do the things their older siblings do. I would have a super nice talk with Grandma saying that DS would like to spend time with her too and leave it at that.

Even if your son doesn't get his own trip to Disney, by the time he is 11 and realises it he will understand that Grandma is seven years older now and may not be up to it, and the cousin situation isn't the same.

Let your daughter have her trip. Your son will have his own life, his own relationships, his own experiences.

[Zyzxyz]

Okay, I see the picture clearly. Adult child lounging on granny's couch . "Mummy can you please make me a spot of tea?" Granny hobbling on her walker with great difficulty. "Yes, dear! Give me a minute!"

[Zyzxyz]

Seriously, now I'm feeling sorry for these poor British grandparents being bullied by their adult children to do this or that. That's elder abuse. Maybe the mom just wants 3 relaxing weeks without her 4 year old in tow. That's why she is insistent granny take the 4 year old. Stand up British grandparents! Don't be bullied by your adult children.

[Diggerydoggery]

I just saw that your DD will be 11. It would totally change the dynamic of the trip for everyone to have a four year old tagging along, you must see that?

It is likely your MIL might be able to do more with him as he gets older and easier to deal with - toddlers are lovely but also very tiring little creatures.

[Diggerydoggery]

This is an opportunity for you to have some quality time with the little one.

My parents do less with my younger DC then they did with the eldest at the same age - but there is a gap of almost 7 years, their age makes a real difference.

Two 9 year olds can go on rides together and cope on the plane etc and it won’t be exhausting in the way it would with a four year old. I think it is a lovely offer and you sound stroppy and quite selfish.

[Zyzxyz]

The gran is paying for the expensive trip. She has a right to take whichever grandchild she wants. You all are so spoiled.

[Zyzxyz]

Or mom can take the 4 year old on her own dime.

[Halliehallie9828]

@Zyzxyz

And I agree with another blogger. I am a trained, master child development expert and at this stage in my life two grandkids would be too much, even for me. Just respect the wishes of grandparents.There are reasons for their reluctance to take on additional stress and responsibility. Be grateful with what you can get. No offense, but alot of people on this blog seem really entitled when it comes to their aging parents.

Be grateful that she treats her grandkids differently? If you can’t hack taking them both out then don’t take any. Don’t pick a favourite or take the easy one because it’s to much effort to take both.

[Halliehallie9828]

@SecretSpAD

I guess you all missed the bit where the OP said that her mother in law actually adored the younger son and couldn't wait to take him out, but has back problems so can't pick him up then?

yeh I missed that bit because she was talking about MIL friend and not the MIL.

[choli]

@FlatandFabulous

“what a cow” for not taking a 4yo boy on a holiday offered to an 11yo girl, really! Your mana bear instincts are overriding any sense of reasonableness. Taking an 11yo on holiday is fun, taking a 4yo is hard work. You are being ridiculous OP and I feel sorry for your daughter. Your son’s time will come.

No it won't if the OP keeps up this attitude. There would be no more holiday plans from me if I was faced with this sort of reaction to a generous offer.

[diddl]

@SecretSpAD

I guess you all missed the bit where the OP said that her mother in law actually adored the younger son and couldn't wait to take him out, but has back problems so can't pick him up then?

That wasn't about MIL, but the friend who babysat when MIL decided to go home part way through.

[tinkerbellvspredator]

I can see why you're upset about the general situation but let DD go to Florida (it's too big a trip for a 4 year old) and take him for a Tots break at Butlins instead which he will.love - and big up the getting mummy and daddy to himself element.

[SecretSpAD]

I guess you all missed the bit where the OP said that her mother in law actually adored the younger son and couldn't wait to take him out, but has back problems so can't pick him up then?

[Oliversmumsarmy]

But when the 11 year old was a 4 year old then he should expect certain things to be the same or similar.

The MIL is creating a chasm between siblings and even if he hasn’t noticed it yet he will very soon see the difference between how his sister gets treated as the golden child by their gm and how he gets treated.

He will start noticing that at a certain age she got something that when he got to that age he didn’t get.

It is a slippery slope that eventually will break them up and the repercussions will be felt by you for not stopping it

The Disney trip wouldn’t be such a huge deal if the gm had treated them similarly but it is just another excuse to treat dd and not Ds