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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I right to be fuming about this?

295 replies

AintNobodyHereButUsChickens · 21/10/2020 01:30

It's a MIL one and I could really do with some perspective.

We have a DD who is 9 and a half and a DS who is 2 and a half. Since DD was 1, she has had regular sleepovers, days out, even the occasional short (UK) holiday with MIL. This time last year, MIL watched both the children at our house for a few hours while me and DH went out. That is the ONLY time she has spent any time with DS without us there, AND she went home early and called a family friend to sit with them instead. We phoned her to say we were leaving and she said "Oh I've gone home, had to get back for the dogs. I phoned X and she came round to sit with them."

Today, (well, technically yesterday now considering the time :o ) she phoned DH and said in 2022 she wants to take DD to Florida (I guess to Disney) for 3 weeks. If it's relevant, this trip will be paid for by BIL (who will also be going along with his son the same age as DD). My first reaction was to say hell no, she takes both or neither. I'm sure DS will soon start to notice that DD frequently goes to grandmas without him and at 4 he will definitely understand that grandma took his sister on a big holiday and he was left behind.

I'm really torn because it's a trip of a lifetime and DD would have a fantastic time, but we'd never be able to afford to do anything like this so DS will almost certainly miss out on doing it at all which just isn't fair. DH said we could take DS away for a week when DD is away but it's not the point.

WWYD? Would you be angry? Am I right to be angry at this?

OP posts:
Thisisnotnormal69 · 21/10/2020 08:51

Agree with others, favouritism needs addressing

mabelandivy · 21/10/2020 08:53

You're NOT being unreasonable. The offer should be for both of them or neither. I wouldn't send DD if the offer wasn't extended to DS. It will cause resentment and upset later down the line. When we were kids, my parents took myself and sister away on holiday, leaving my brother at home with our nan. He was about 1 from memory. As an adult he often brings this up in conversation, questioning why he wasn't also taken on the holiday. It does sound like your MIL favours DD, which is why I would be putting my foot down on this one.

dontdisturbmenow · 21/10/2020 08:53

It definitely can't be for 3 weeks
Definitely? Why? There a big difference between an 11yo and 9 yo in terms of maturity and being away from parents. It's a long time away, but your 'definitely' now seems quite in appropriate relating to an event in 18 months time.

I retesting too how so many claim that all sounds should always go on the sane holidays. What a different message to when it's half siblings the thread relates to.

BigBadBox · 21/10/2020 08:59

It doesn't sit right with me. If MIL had said of course we'll take DS when he's older or it'll be too difficult to take DS to Florida but I'd love to do a weekend at Peppa Pig Land with him, or suggested all of you went to disney paris...
I would not be happy with someone setting up that dynamic with my kids. At 4 he'll be plenty big enough to notice his sister's big exciting trip.
Will DD's holiday come with any strings? or subsequent guilt trips?

Whitney168 · 21/10/2020 09:00

Thanks all, some very valid points. Lots to think about. Also yes, 3 weeks is far too long. I'd not even got started on that yet! When DD has been away with MIL, even for a long weekend she says she missed us a LOT. It definitely can't be for 3 weeks.

Seriously? She'll be 11 and she'll be in Florida with family and a same-age cousin, having the time of her life. You'll be lucky if she wants to come home LOL.

MsEllany · 21/10/2020 09:04

I put YANBU but actually, I agree with @Ponoka7. It might just be favouritism, but if she’s generally a good nanny to your children then it’s likely she just exhausted by toddlers. Unless she’s an extremely young nanny I’m guessing that her energy levels and flexibility (apart from anything else) has reduced and she doesn’t want to find herself in a position where she feels she literally can’t care adequately for your toddler.

Regarding the Disney trip, I can see the logic but I think it would be unfair long term for the children to know that one of them got a holiday of a lifetime and the other didn’t. My kids are close in age though, so that’s likely colouring my response.

Standrewsschool · 21/10/2020 09:06

I think there’s two issues here, holiday trip and lical trips.

Three weeks is a long time, but I think I would let her go. It’s a holiday of a lifetime and she’s going with her cousin. Did bil actually suggest dd to go, or mil? Maybe kids places are free with each adult, so they thought it would be nice if dd went as well.

During that time, you could take DS on holiday to something that would appeal to his age - Peppa pig world etc.

DS is still young. Maybe she enjoys spending time with the dd as she is older and she has formed a bond with her.

squashyhat · 21/10/2020 09:07

Seriously? We're in the middle of a global pandemic, it's 2 years away. Anything can happen between now and then. Address the favouritism (if that's what you think it is) now if you like but forget something that may or may not happen 2 years away. Hell - there may not even be a Disneyland (or whatever) by then.

Sally872 · 21/10/2020 09:10

9 year old is company for cousin. And as bil is paying why are you annoyed at MIL?

Also 9 and 2 are very different ages. I would not want mil to take 2 year old to disney as too much work.

My mum loves all her grandchildren but my 10 year old got more attention and childcare as mum was younger and she was the only one for a few years. Now my 4 year old gets very little time alone with gran, went to nursery rather than with my mum because she was at a different stage and going back to toddler years was too much.

Original poster
AintNobodyHereButUsChickens · 21/10/2020 09:14

Her cousin may be the same age but they don't get along like they used to. They spent a lot of time together until they were 5, when BIL moved to the other end of the country. They used to be really close but when they moved away we didn't see them for 2 years and when we did, that sweet little boy we knew had changed dramatically and not for the better. He pretty much rules the roost at home, does what he wants, swears at his mother and picks on his older sisters (they are mid-late teens and been to Disney loads of times so won't be bothered about missing out, they aren't BILs daughters and their dad takes them on amazing holidays).

OP posts:
Sally872 · 21/10/2020 09:16

Then don't send her because you don't think she will enjoy the time with cousin.

Sending her with 2 year old sibling doesn't change the fact cousin will be there and they don't get on.

Bluntness100 · 21/10/2020 09:19

Agree, and that’s a drip feed. Why don’t you ask her if she wishes to go?

CherieBabySpliffUp · 21/10/2020 09:27

After the update it would be a definite no from me.

HumptyD · 21/10/2020 09:29

I think the holiday is the final nail in the coffin, you really need to address the favouritism. Your husband can’t have noticed, I would sit down with MIL to discuss the holiday and just say.. 3 weeks it too long but can we also discuss how DS will be 4 and will be aware his nan is taking his sister on holiday but has never even taken him to the park on his own?? And then go into it from there.. it’s not right at all. Poor thing x

Bluntness100 · 21/10/2020 09:29

I don’t understand why if it’s that bad op you’d happily let her go if you could also send your son? Surely if your nephew is that awful you’d not wish to send either child? Not try to wrangle an invite for the younger one too?

HumptyD · 21/10/2020 09:31

Your husband can’t not of noticed** that’s meant to say

Smallsteps88 · 21/10/2020 09:33

I’d let her take DD alone. Then spend the next few years talking about how much DS will love his holiday with grandma when he is older.

differentnameforthis · 21/10/2020 09:36

As a parent of kids who were are treated differently by MIL & an Aunt, I say do not allow it to start!

My youngest is 12, and gets upset that she wasn't taken places like her sister was, and now doesn't have the relationship with MIL that my older dd has.

She feels sidelined and left out! Both MIL and SIL wonder why she doesn't talk to them that much, but they have spent her entire life sowing what they now reap. My only concern is that it hurt dd.

And they wonder why her self confidence and self worth are low...

Halliehallie9828 · 21/10/2020 09:36

@Smallsteps88

I’d let her take DD alone. Then spend the next few years talking about how much DS will love his holiday with grandma when he is older.
And what if that never happens ? But shit for DS.
Halliehallie9828 · 21/10/2020 09:36

It’s a no from me OP. Both or nothing. A 4 year old would love Disney.

movingonup20 · 21/10/2020 09:37

I would let her go, to be honest at 4 he won't remember a huge amount and it's just not the same as taking an 11 year old - but I would address the issue of her only spending time with the elder more generally.

I would suggest planting the seed in her head along the lines of "it will be amazing for dd, when ds is a similar age it would be nice to do an extra special trip for him, it's a long way off so we can think about it when he's older". For equality it could be her paying for a special school trip for instance, my dd (didn't go) had the opportunity to go to Borneo with her school

Angelina82 · 21/10/2020 09:39

Your BIL is paying for your DD purely and simply as a companion for his DS. You are unreasonable to expect him to pay for a 4 year old to tag along too. Be happy for your DD that she’s getting this opportunity and do something lovely with your DS while she’s away.

IMNOTSHOUTING · 21/10/2020 09:42

I think it would be different if you thought DS would be invited on a similar trip when he was old enough but it sounds like she makes no effort to get to know DS like she did with DD when she was little. So it's not like DS will get his share of treats when he's old enough.

I think a trip to disney land is nice but it's not worth making DS feel like a second class citizen.

00100001 · 21/10/2020 09:43

@CeeceeBloomingdale

I wouldn't allow my children to be treated differently, I wouldn't allow DD to go.
but there's going to be stuff that the DD will not be able to do just because of her little brother.

If DS gets to go to Disney (or wherever) when he's a similar age, then there's no issue.

and even if he doesn't.... so what? there;'ll be stuff he'll do that DD won't.

Lorw · 21/10/2020 09:43

I don’t think this Disney thing would be an issue if she didn’t show blatant favouritism to your daughter day to day and leave your son out all the time, I think that’s the problem here.

I would say no, simply as it’s too long away from home.

I have a 4yo SS and I guarantee he would absolutely love Disneyland, completely obsessed. More so than my 11yo SS so I think people saying that it’s pointless cause he won’t remember, I remember significant things from when I was 4.