Am I right to be fuming about this?

[AintNobodyHereButUsChickens]

It's a MIL one and I could really do with some perspective.

We have a DD who is 9 and a half and a DS who is 2 and a half. Since DD was 1, she has had regular sleepovers, days out, even the occasional short (UK) holiday with MIL. This time last year, MIL watched both the children at our house for a few hours while me and DH went out. That is the ONLY time she has spent any time with DS without us there, AND she went home early and called a family friend to sit with them instead. We phoned her to say we were leaving and she said "Oh I've gone home, had to get back for the dogs. I phoned X and she came round to sit with them."

Today, (well, technically yesterday now considering the time :o ) she phoned DH and said in 2022 she wants to take DD to Florida (I guess to Disney) for 3 weeks. If it's relevant, this trip will be paid for by BIL (who will also be going along with his son the same age as DD). My first reaction was to say hell no, she takes both or neither. I'm sure DS will soon start to notice that DD frequently goes to grandmas without him and at 4 he will definitely understand that grandma took his sister on a big holiday and he was left behind.

I'm really torn because it's a trip of a lifetime and DD would have a fantastic time, but we'd never be able to afford to do anything like this so DS will almost certainly miss out on doing it at all which just isn't fair. DH said we could take DS away for a week when DD is away but it's not the point.

WWYD? Would you be angry? Am I right to be angry at this?

[flaviaritt]

And what will you tell your 11 year old? “You can’t go on the trip of a lifetime because your 4 year old brother can’t go as well”?

[Samster1815]

To be honest I’d let the 11 year old go and take the 4 year old to Disneyland Paris at the same time. He won’t realise they’re two different prices or places (and lengths of time) but will have an experience and photos to share with your DD when she comes back. You’ll get to spend some time with only him in Disneyland too.

[FreshHorizons]

The age difference is such that I would let the older one go. (It would be different if they were close in age)
DD will be 11yrs and DS 6 years . Would you want a 6 yr old away all that time - would be?
Quite different with a child who will be in secondary school.

[FreshHorizons]

Sorry ‘would he’ not be!

[dontdisturbmenow]

DH said we could take DS away for a week when DD is away but it's not the point
I think it is. You DS is too you g to full enjoy Disney and America. He will however get the chance to spend time with mum and dad without his sister and only do things he enjoys.

I think it's a brainer. There seem to be issues with MIL and your DS and things she isn't telling you, but in this case, it is perfectly justified due to the age of the children and BIL bringing his child of si.ikar age. 3 weeks is quite along time though.

[FreshHorizons]

I had an 8 yr difference in ages between my children - I didn’t treat them the same - I treated them age appropriately.

[Merryhobnobs]

I think doing some stuff separately is fine and healthy But a 4yr old will definitely be very aware of his sibling going to Disney without him. Yes it's harder work to take 4yr olds but my own 4yr old talks about how much she lived center parcs last year. They have the awareness and memory and Disney for a week is a bit different to a UK break for a couple of days. It's just a bit cruel.

[babygroups]

@FreshHorizons the ds will be 4, he's only 2 at the moment

[Bluntness100]

It’s not cruel if the op does something that week with him as her husband suggests, something he will be excited about and feel is a treat.

I’d not be keen to take a four year old to Disney, it’s a long flight, they will want to do different things in the parks to eleven year olds, go on different rides etc, and it becomes a very different trip.

Telling your eleven year old she can’t go because her four year old brother can’t is going to be shitty,

I think there is a battle to be fought here, but it’s not this one. The husband is right, the op and him should take the four year old away and do something with him age appropriate themselves.

[eatsleepread]

YABU. And not really in a place to make demands, if you're not paying for the trip.

[FreshHorizons]

Gosh - if he is only 4 yrs I definitely wouldn’t want him going away all that time! There are lots of things that a yr 7 child can do that are not appropriate for the younger one - chance to do age appropriate things with the younger one on his own.

[ImSleepingBeauty]

I’d just politely decline and if she asked why explain that you have 2 children who would love to go on the holiday.

Doesn’t have to be a big deal. I would feel like my daughter was missing out instead I’d feel like I was protecting my son.

[FreshHorizons]

If I were a grandmother taking one child who can do things independently is very different from taking one who will need bathing etc and will likely be homesick. I doubt there are many parents who want their preschool, or reception class, child abroad, without them, for 3 weeks. I wouldn’t- whereas it’s is a great opportunity for an 11yr old.

[FreshHorizons]

Added to that there will be 2 cousins the same age - great for them.

[LM20]

My MIL took my son away on holiday for a week when I was due my 2nd child. My first Labour was 48 hours and I was concerned I wouldn’t have childcare for him as his other grandparents were going on holiday at the same time.

My son has just turned 5 and he cried every day to come home. This is a MIL who looked after him when he was little whilst I worked, had regular sleepovers etc but he still cried... every.single.day!

Three weeks is far too long and I don’t even know why a parent would contemplate letting their 4 year old go. 11 year old is a completely different age category.

[JayDot500]

Oh god I hate this sort of thinking.

We own have a villa in Florida and usually go with family. I can tell you from experience that Disney with a 4 year old is a totally different scenario than Disney with an 11 year old. Depends on where they're staying but the cost is ridiculous per person. Two 11 year olds would have so much fun there, but a 4 year old would be an added burden because of the added dependence. My 4 year old would not even want to be away from me for that long, even with his favourite aunt. Let your DD have fun, but ask her if she wants to go for that long without you. She might not be so keen.

Children should not be denied experiences due to their siblings. This sort of thing happened to me when I was younger because I have many cousins and my siblings would go on many trips without me due to age differences and companionship. I also went on trips that they didn't. My male cousin came with us to the Caribbean when we were 12, leaving his younger sister at home. We had the best time in that all inclusive. Life is not fair, you cannot demand equality in this scenario but you can certainly encourage your MIL to try harder with your son.

[FreshHorizons]

I am quite shocked by the people who think that what is appropriate for an 11 yr old is appropriate for a 4 yr old.
I am glad that with my 8 yr age difference the older ones did lots of things without the younger one. He would have missed out dreadfully had the younger one had to do it too. There was plenty of time for the younger one to do it - he was still at primary school when the older one went to university. I hate to think of all the missed opportunities if I had insisted on them being treated the same.
Maybe people suggesting this don’t actually have a big age gap.

[FreshHorizons]

Trying harder with your son is a different issue - that is one that can be addressed by having him on his own sometimes.

[diddl]

@MilkandWater

Why would you even consider letting your children go on a long trip to another continent with someone who couldn’t even look after them together for a single evening???

Even for your daughter, that is a long time away from home — are you sure she’d even want to be that far away from you for three weeks?

Absolutely!

Amazed it took so long for this to be said.

All the wittering about bloody Florida!

[KiposWonderbeasts]

Your DD is invited to go on holiday with her cousin of the same age. Great! Let her go, she’ll enjoy it.

This isn’t about your MIL’s lack of relationship with your son; you’re letting your feelings about that colour your feelings. This is your daughter going on an amazing trip with her cousin and uncle and grandma. She’s old enough and she’ll have the time of her life.

It will also make things so much better for your nephew - 3 weeks with only grownups gets boring, much better when there’s another child his age.

Your 4yo would not fit in - not old enough or tall enough for the rides, much harder work to look after.

Do something fun with him while they are away.

[AintNobodyHereButUsChickens]

Thanks all, some very valid points. Lots to think about. Also yes, 3 weeks is far too long. I'd not even got started on that yet! When DD has been away with MIL, even for a long weekend she says she missed us a LOT. It definitely can't be for 3 weeks.

Regarding the family friend, she is considered family and she does a lot for my children. She takes DD out all the time, even if it's just out walking her dog, DD loves spending time with her. Due to issues she has with her back, she can't take DS out yet but she adores him and is itching to take him out too when he's bigger and less likely to need picking up.

I think someone asked if MIL has daughters? No, she doesn't. She only has sons but always wanted a daughter.

[mrsm43s]

It would be unreasonable to expect your MIL to take a 4 year old away to Disney for 3 weeks. It's a massive ask to babysit a 4 year old for 3 weeks at home in a safe, familiar environment, let alone taking them to theme parks abroad. You must be able to see its an impossible thing to ask of your MIL.

If you want your DS to be included in the trip, then its not unreasonable to ask if your DH and DS can come too, with your DH taking FULL responsibility for your DS at all times. But obviously this will cost ££££, which you say you cannot afford.

So basically it comes down to whether you will deny your 11 year old DD a paid for trip of a lifetime, just because she has a much younger brother who is unable to join because of his age. Personally I wouldn't.

I think PP's suggestion of you and DH taking DS to Disneyland Paris whilst DD is in Florida is a brilliant suggestion. That is very fair to both DC - they both get an age appropriate Disney trip.

[Chloemol]

No she wouldn’t be going. Your mil needs to treat them both the same

I would be trying to save to take them both myself

[Wannabegreenfingers]

Sorry but that's shit. Your MIL is out of order. My children have been to Florida since they were 3 & 4 and yes they remember it and talk about it often. They are 8 & 10 now

She is picking one over the other which isn't on.

[Bluesheep8]

I'm going to be the harsh truth here.
You choose this man. The nan told the truth. Truth hurts.
Make better decisions next time.

Eh? Are these song lyrics or something?