Am I right to be fuming about this?

[AintNobodyHereButUsChickens]

It's a MIL one and I could really do with some perspective.

We have a DD who is 9 and a half and a DS who is 2 and a half. Since DD was 1, she has had regular sleepovers, days out, even the occasional short (UK) holiday with MIL. This time last year, MIL watched both the children at our house for a few hours while me and DH went out. That is the ONLY time she has spent any time with DS without us there, AND she went home early and called a family friend to sit with them instead. We phoned her to say we were leaving and she said "Oh I've gone home, had to get back for the dogs. I phoned X and she came round to sit with them."

Today, (well, technically yesterday now considering the time :o ) she phoned DH and said in 2022 she wants to take DD to Florida (I guess to Disney) for 3 weeks. If it's relevant, this trip will be paid for by BIL (who will also be going along with his son the same age as DD). My first reaction was to say hell no, she takes both or neither. I'm sure DS will soon start to notice that DD frequently goes to grandmas without him and at 4 he will definitely understand that grandma took his sister on a big holiday and he was left behind.

I'm really torn because it's a trip of a lifetime and DD would have a fantastic time, but we'd never be able to afford to do anything like this so DS will almost certainly miss out on doing it at all which just isn't fair. DH said we could take DS away for a week when DD is away but it's not the point.

WWYD? Would you be angry? Am I right to be angry at this?

[IMNOTSHOUTING]

@Smallsteps88

I’d let her take DD alone. Then spend the next few years talking about how much DS will love his holiday with grandma when he is older.

Except it sounds like he'll never get a trip with grandma when he's older.

[Brefugee]

accept the trip, your daughter will love it. Ask her if/when she plans to do the same for DS and mention that you've noticed a disparity.

[Graciebobcat]

I think it's utterly heartless of your MIL to consider taking one and not the other. He would bloody love that when he is 4. I don't know how someone could even think that let alone offer it. Awful.

[GintyMarlow2]

Looking after a four year old is completely different from looking after an eleven year old. Bedtimes are different, a four year old may not have the stamina of an eleven year old, they may not be able to go on the same rides, or want the same food. At four, a child may still be subject to tantrums, will need help with dressing, help with toileting, help with washing.
Your MIL lay feel it's simply too much hassle taking both children. Personally, I would let your DD go, and address the perceived favouritism another time if it continues.

[Graciebobcat]

My MIL wouldn't be seeing much of either child if she played favourites. It's so damaging to both of them.

[ancientgran]

I think the two issues are separate.
The holiday, no I wouldn't have this unless you are sure could have a similar holiday in the futue.
Days out, I'm sorry but we are all getting older, I've done so much childcare with my GC, I've told DD if she wants the same she can't wait too long as I just won't be up to it, I know I am less active than I was ten years ago. If she does things like buy big presents for DD and not much for DS then I'd step in but your DD has a relationship with her and it would be unfair to stop that.

[TheMamaYo]

Oh I would take the opportunity to go to Disney Paris with your little one, some quality time with just the one. Also calmly speak to MIL at some point about this, ask her to mind how it might come across for your son. But for this trip? I would take the opportunity for your dd and your ds to both have a wonderful experience separately.

[RainingBatsAndFrogs]

Talk to your MIL (or better still, DH talk to her) about spending some time with your Ds. The difference in the relationship and how he perceived it will start long before this suggested holiday.

You need to be dealing with this now, and about the relationship, not focussed on money / holidays.

You can’t expect BIL to pay for , or accommodate, a 4 year old when it is clearly the friendship of the same-age cousins that makes it work.

[BreatheAndFocus]

I'm really torn because it's a trip of a lifetime and DD would have a fantastic time, but we'd never be able to afford to do anything like this so DS will almost certainly miss out on doing it at all which just isn't fair. DH said we could take DS away for a week when DD is away but it's not the point

I wouldn’t let DD go either. Others will disagree but taking one child from its family like that is weird to me. Families do their own thing - or if they join with another family unit, they go together or not at all.

Don’t feel you’re letting your DD down. You’re not. Your MIL is being thoughtless. Personally, I’d be reducing het time with DD, but that’s just me. Don’t be pushed into this.

[GeneParmesanPrivateEye]

If the cousins aren't even close now, no way would I be sending my kid to another country with them for 3 weeks. Regardless of age or siblings.

If they were super close, raised almost like siblings etc etc, then maybe. But when my youngest was 4, their little heart would have broken at their sibling going to Disney for 3 weeks and them stay at home. I can't imagine doing it. Add in the favouritism as well, and I think this is a non-starter tbh.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

Ds was 4 when we did Disney. He loved it and still remembers it. If your BIL is paying then why not take you and your dd and you will pay for 4 year old.

Saying kids don’t notice the inequality or who gets what and when and by whom is short sighted. Kids are completely aware. I can remember in detail what my cousins got (we lived in the same house) and my mother telling me that one day I could also have the same. Except one day never came.

Promising to take the 4 year old one day when you know you will be never able to afford it is just lying and what happens to his sister if you did go? Will she go for a 2nd time or will she spend a fortnight being pampered by grandma on a different holiday.

Personally I would say no but I would think your MIL will infer that you are the mean ones not letting her go and there could be fall out from that.

Does the BIL know of the inequality between the siblings?

[ktp100]

I can see why you're torn because you don't want DD to miss out BUT this is so out of order!!

Do you still allow DD to spend time there without DS? I'd have to nip that in the bud straight off, nevermind the ridiculousness of taking one grandchild away without the other!

If this was the only year they could go and DS was still a baby I'd understand but he will be old enough to realise he has massively missed out and that's so unfair.

Has she mentioned it to DD yet? If not I'd be saying no and giving strict instructions to not tell her there was ever the option.

What a horrible position to find yourself in! DH needs to have a serious word!

[Burnthurst187]

Three weeks!

Not sure why it needs to be that long, I've been and travelled around Florida all the way from Orlando to Miami and in between and two weeks was more than enough inc Disney World

I'd let her go as it's the trip of a lifetime and it will be horrendously expensive so if BIL is paying that's great. I wouldn't want DD to be away for so long at that age though

[GameSetMatch]

Would your daughter even want to be away from you for three weeks? I wouldn’t let my child be away for such a long time without me or Dad.

[BovaryX]

Do you not understand that the significant age difference between your children is the key to understanding your MIL's decision? She doesn't want to take a toddler with two eleven year old. Are you going to deprive your daughter of the trip because of this?

[VeggieSausageRoll]

Would your daughter enjoy it? I think that's what you need to base your decision on.

It's a large age gap and things dont have to be totally equal with two children.

I think if it were me, I'd let her go, and use that time to have some quality time with DS and do age appropriate things with him that DD wouldn't be interested in. Doesn't have to be a 3 week long holiday. Legoland springs to mind, maybe a night in a premier Inn and do the London museums the next day, then maybe a few other days out, sleep over with a friend, that kind of stuff.

[IMNOTSHOUTING]

@BovaryX

Do you not understand that the significant age difference between your children is the key to understanding your MIL's decision? She doesn't want to take a toddler with two eleven year old. Are you going to deprive your daughter of the trip because of this?

@BovaryX

Sounds like you didn't bother reading the full OP. By the time DD was DS's age MiL had done sleepovers and taken her out on day trips etc. She hasn't bothered with DS.

DD will always be the oldest child. By the time DS is 9, DD will be 16 and MiL will be taking her on a shopping trip to Paris and of course that wouldn't be appropriate for DS because he's too young. So that way through out their childhoods DD always gets taken out and treated and DS gets left out because he's too young. It's going to make him feel like shit, especially if his parents condone it.

[NoMoreMrNiceGaius]

I went to Disneyland for the first and only time at 11 and I barely remember it. But the parts I do remember, are still magical decades later and were some of the best moments of my life. Like others said, your DD is at the ideal age for this trip, especially with another kid of a similar age, your DS most definitely is not. He will not even remember any of the very expensive trip, and he will be homesick and to be very blunt, a burden. If he does ever remember your DD went to Disneyland and he didn't, you can simply tell him he was too young for a such a long trip.

About other things however, I wholeheartedly agree with you, he should be involved in the same things as your DD and not feel left out.

[PumpkinetChocolat]

She would only be treated them differently if she didn't offer to take the 4 year old there when they are 11.

Where are you based? If you are in the UK, you could compromise and all take the kids to Paris or something.

It's a shame to punish the 11 year old because there's such a big gap between siblings. You cannot reasonably blame someone for inviting an 11 year old, but not a 4 year old for a long flight and 3 weeks!

[PumpkinetChocolat]

By the time DD was DS's age MiL had done sleepovers and taken her out on day trips etc.


but by that time, it was an only child.... You can't see why having 2 with such a gap change the dynamic for a grand parent?

It changes for parents too let's be honest you can't treat your 4 year olds exactly the same when 1 was a single child and the other has several older siblings. That's fine.

[PegasusReturns]

I’ve been in a similar ish situation and was very much you take the youngest or not at all.

It actually created a lot of work for my oldest who was aged 11 to their siblings 5, in that she ended up having to do some of the parenting (making sure youngest had eaten properly, brushed their teeth etc)

[HoppingPavlova]

It’s completely reasonable to want to take an 11yo but not a 4yo. Plus an 11yo with someone else the same age. Can you not see that a 4yo would not work in that mix. Surely it shouldn’t mean the 11yo doesn’t get to do things!

[TheClitterati]

10yo @ Disney = lots of fun
4yo @ Disney = lots of HARD WORK

[notalwaysalondoner]

Would you be able to afford for one of the adults to go with DS too (if you think you'd be welcome)? That seems like a good solution as maybe your MIL just doesn't think she can handle a 4 and a 9 year old. If not, I'd be torn to be honest - DD would love it and you can easily explain to a four year old that they're too young to do something. On the other hand, even if you decide DD can go, it's a perfect opportunity to engage your MIL on her favouritism. You can first ask her why DS can't go (she'll probably say what I said above about his age/looking after two DC), and then say something like 'He'll be so excited for his trip with you when he gets to her age, it's so lovely that you'll be making these memories with both of them'. Or if you are brave enough 'I'm worried that you are leaving DS out of a lot of activities and favouring DD.' Then wait. Let her answer. Don't give her an excuse. She may still change as it may just be she is less engaged with DS as she now has more grandchildren and he's still little, but if she continues being favouritist you need to figure out with your DH how you want to handle it.

[20bloodypounds]

I think if you've got a 7 year age gap then things are going to be different for each child. One goes to school or brownies, or gets to stay up late, or has their own computer.... the other doesn't.

Maybe when dd is a challenging stroppy ungrateful teenager, MIL will be delighted to take an enthusiastic 7 or 8 year old on outings.