Am I right to be fuming about this?

[AintNobodyHereButUsChickens]

It's a MIL one and I could really do with some perspective.

We have a DD who is 9 and a half and a DS who is 2 and a half. Since DD was 1, she has had regular sleepovers, days out, even the occasional short (UK) holiday with MIL. This time last year, MIL watched both the children at our house for a few hours while me and DH went out. That is the ONLY time she has spent any time with DS without us there, AND she went home early and called a family friend to sit with them instead. We phoned her to say we were leaving and she said "Oh I've gone home, had to get back for the dogs. I phoned X and she came round to sit with them."

Today, (well, technically yesterday now considering the time :o ) she phoned DH and said in 2022 she wants to take DD to Florida (I guess to Disney) for 3 weeks. If it's relevant, this trip will be paid for by BIL (who will also be going along with his son the same age as DD). My first reaction was to say hell no, she takes both or neither. I'm sure DS will soon start to notice that DD frequently goes to grandmas without him and at 4 he will definitely understand that grandma took his sister on a big holiday and he was left behind.

I'm really torn because it's a trip of a lifetime and DD would have a fantastic time, but we'd never be able to afford to do anything like this so DS will almost certainly miss out on doing it at all which just isn't fair. DH said we could take DS away for a week when DD is away but it's not the point.

WWYD? Would you be angry? Am I right to be angry at this?

[BedknobsNoBroomsticks]

It would be a straight no from me.

It is unfair on DS. 3 weeks is a long time to be away from home.

You/your dh need to speak to mil about the favouritism.

[honkytonkheroe]

I wouldn’t allow a 9 year old to go away for as long as 3 weeks. Mine would be ok for a couple of nights but 3 weeks is a long holiday in anyone’s book. Even in a couple of years I couldn’t see that happening. That said, for 2 weeks I’d probably be fine with it. As others have said, an 11 year old is totally different to a 4 year old and BIL is paying and is company for his child. A 4 year old in Disney would still involve a buggy (in all likelihood), if my 4 year olds in Disney are anything to go by. I’d address the favouritism thing separately. MIL sounds a bit light weight and all on her terms so is probably just that she’s more involved with the easier child at this point and would rectify itself later on.

[Gizlotsmum]

The perceived favouritism is one thing, it might well be the age difference, did she have daughters? I would maybe get DH to mention something, but you may find it gets better as your son gets older.

The trip, I would be chatting with BIL, see how he sees the parenting once there going, will he be mostly responsible with mil as support? Is there a sil in the picture? I wouldn't straight out say no but I would bare in mind that in 7 years the same offer is unlikely to be made to ds due to age of grandparent etc...

[Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov]

I took my son at 3.5 and I loved it, but I'd be reluctant taking a 4 and 11 year old without both parents. Chances are the 2 11 year olds will want to do the same things or at least be able to. The 4 year old won't be able to go on the same ones. 100% get the inequality side but for this holiday it doesn't make sense to take both. So I'd say one or none.

[Terribletiming]

The favouritism is one thing to address but a 3 week trip to the US with a grandparent, no. Especially if it’s not something you could ever provide for your DC. Could you save up and all go to the Paris one together?

[Bluntness100]

I am surprised at the folks saying they’d deny their daughter the holiday because as sweet says, in this instance it doesn’t make sense to take both. I’m also surprised you’d be happy for your four year old go away for three weeks without either parent, I’d not be.

[MrsWarleggan]

Surely there should be no issue (in relation to the holiday) it's not your MILs ultimate decision as your BIL is the one paying, she's just delivering the news...?

For perspective, my eldest DD is 6, my youngest is 1. My IL's used to have my eldest twice a week for work purposes... They haven't even sat for my youngest, but life happens and they've got older. There is no way they could cope with DD1.

I personally wouldn't have an issue with it... Leaving the kids to go home is a bit 😳 though. Hopefully it was with an adult you know and trust???!

[Worried234]

3 weeks is too long for DD to be away, really. Whether it's Florida, or the UK.
As for only taking one child, that isn't fair at all.

[OnTheBenchOfDoom]

There are two issues here, the favouritism and the trip.

Maybe because the age gap is as big as it is the contrast between the ease of a 9 year old and the constant on duty status of looking after a toddler is huge. It is tiring and when you haven't done it for a while it does surprise you. There are 11 years between my youngest child and my nephew. He is now 3, it is full on. Ds2 is now 14. Chalk and cheese.

The other is the trip. Firstly for the PP who said Florida will still be there, you clearly have never looked at the cost which is why it is often referred to as a trip of a lifetime. School holiday August direct flight is around £800 - £1000 each, tickets for Disney World for a family of 4 are £1700 ish then there is the accommodation and food which is a how long is a piece of string. Cinderella's Royal Table meal is about £30 for a child and £42 for an adult. Plus you tip at 15% of the meal cost.

To the PP who said 3 weeks what would you do in Disney for 3 weeks? There are 6 Disney parks, 2 water parks and 4 very different theme parks. Magic Kingdom averages around 57,000 people a day, yes, a day. Plus it is huge, around 60 attractions from rides to shows. They do suggest using a stroller for children up to 6 years old because you can walk over 10 mile a day. My fitbit thought I was in training for a marathon when I did 25,000 steps.

We have been a few times and we do love it. But I do think that 3 weeks away from your parents is a lot if the most she has done before is a week. Disney for an 11 year old is very different than Disney for a 4 year old. Height for rides being one of them, standing in queues and the heat. In August last year it dropped down to a very chilly 23 degrees (that is sarcasm by the way) overnight. Just to give you an idea of temperature and the humidity can be difficult.

I would work on building a relationship between your MIL and your son while still supporting the relationship she has with your daughter. Your children don't have to do everything together.

[Beautiful3]

I dont think its favoritism. Theres a massive age gap between them. An 11 year old is so much easier to look after compared to a 7 year old. My 7 year old can be hard work sometimes, and my 11 year old is like a mini grownup who is not. I would let her go on the holiday of a life time. Hopefully when your son reaches 11, she will take him away too.

[Al1langdownthecleghole]

4 year olds are hard work on holiday. Why don’t you take your DS away yourselves whilst MIL takes DD ?

By the time DS is 11 it is quite likely DD won’t want to come away with you and you could have a big family holiday then.

[Roselilly36]

3 weeks is such a long time to be away so I would say no.

Unfortunately, some GP do favour GC of a certain gender.

[GeorginaTheGiant]

Maybe I’m horribly over protective but like hell would my child be going to the USA for three weeks without me or their other parent. The responsibility on the adults involved would be unbelievable. And three weeks is an exceptionally long holiday even for long haul/Disney. This isn’t a couple of nights away in a caravan with granny, it’s long haul international travel to a country where there is all sorts going on at the moment. Not a chance would my child go without me but they also would have to never know it was a possibility to avoid disappointment.

And the difference in how they are treated is horrible, even if it is down to age there are things MiL could do to mitigate that and even things up. Just because the four year old is too young now, he will hear about this holiday for years. And when he’s older he’ll ask when he’s getting taken to Disney. If this kind of thing is totally off the cards for you as a family then that will exacerbate the unfairness of DD getting to go.

[CherieBabySpliffUp]

How do the girls get on normally?
3 weeks is a long time to be stuck away from home if they fall out.

[Goodfood1]

your DS will only see this as an issue if you make it one. Denying your DD this trip imo would be wrong, if I was her I'd be heartbroken I couldn't go. The reason is in the age gap. do what is right for her, you DS is only 4 and will be able to do other things in the future when she will be too old to or too old to want to.

[KatherineJaneway]

@Bluntness100

I am surprised at the folks saying they’d deny their daughter the holiday because as sweet says, in this instance it doesn’t make sense to take both. I’m also surprised you’d be happy for your four year old go away for three weeks without either parent, I’d not be.

Agree

[MinnieJackson]

I think maybe the fact she's ten years older now than when she used to have your daughter overnight May be a factor? Not sure about three weeks away when your son is only four either, what about if he got really homesick?

[babygroups]

Bluntness100
I am surprised at the folks saying they’d deny their daughter the holiday because as sweet says, in this instance it doesn’t make sense to take both. I’m also surprised you’d be happy for your four year old go away for three weeks without either parent, I’d not be.

Agree with this too.

[ittakes2]

Honestly I think you are over thinking this - at 4 he’s unlikely fo remember the holiday but it would be a nightmare for whoever is going. Do you really want your 4 year old overseas without you? That seems more traumatising than him not going to Florida. And he wouldn’t be able to go in any older children rides so someone would need to sit with him. Plus on some rides you need an adult with a child so the adult with the older children might need to go separately with them. Either go along with them now or just take him when he is older and your oldest is an adult.
She is older now than when your daughter was young and it’s likely she can’t cope with a toddler running around which may be why she doesn’t ask to have him alone. I have twins - children do not need to be treated exactly the same they need what they need in life for their individual needs.

[islockdownoveryet]

There are two issues here, the favouritism and the trip.
Yes
The holiday great for dd but I personally think it's a long time to be without either child but definitely not the 4 year old I'd allow to go anyway.
The favouritism sounds quite blatant so I'd speak up about that . It's quite odd in fact that she has dd over but not ds has she explained why is she going to have both over at some point ?
Also the going home is not on you left her in care if the dc so to go home unless a emergency is odd .
For me I'd say ok to the holiday but maybe 2 weeks instead of 3 and explain that as ds gets older the leaving him out is not on , I'm puzzled how she doesn't even see it .

[BlueThistles]

the woman sounds erratic, who prioritised a dog over a child.

So it's a NO from me. 🌺

[MotheringShites]

Purely from a practical point of view, Disney/theme parks just won’t work with that age difference unless there is another adult there. The two 11 year olds will be able to go on all the thrill rides with an adult each. Add a 4 year old into the mix and someone will have to sit out all those rides.

It is a tough one but in balance I think I’d let her go.

[cptartapp]

Disney aside, does she take your DS for sleepovers and days out?
You've been extremely lucky btw.

[BlueThistles]

Disney aside, does she take your DS for sleepovers and days out?

OP stated in the original post..

That is the ONLY time she has spent any time with DS without us there, AND she went home early and called a family friend to sit with them instead.

so No

[flaviaritt]

I’d definitely let the 11 year old go. A 4 year old will not remember or really understand what he has missed out on. The 11 year old will be good company for her cousin and will be able to take basic care of herself. It’s a totally different proposition to taking a 4 year old.