Pressure from my Mum over housework....

[ShelleyI83]

I am quite close with my Mother. She is on her own (father passed away) so I do really appreciate it can be lonely especially during these Covid times but she lives 5 mins away and has a fantastic group of friends.

Problem is the pressure she piles on me. I work 3 days a week (doing 4 days worth of hours) and have 2 DC ages 4 and 3. She thinks the house should be immaculate, comments on how my walls need painted and how could I have let the children touch them, how my bathroom needs cleaned, why I have so much washing and is horrified that I don’t iron. I run 3 times a week for me time as my husband works long hours and she can’t understand why I’d do that over the housework. Today the children were playing up a bit, generally good kids just seemed exhausted today and was again putting the pressure on me to reprenand them and having comments like ‘oh well I just shouldn’t have come today’ 🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️ give me strength!

Is it a generational thing? Do they just not get working Mums (all mums infact!) have a lot of their plate!

Next time she comments tell her she is being very rude; that you love to see her and that she is very welcome in your house but she is forgetting it is YOUR house!
Ask her if she would comment like that when visiting a friend. She’ll probably huff and puff and sulk for a bit, but you need a bit of a reset of your relationship.
Sounds to me like you’ve got the patience of a saint. She needs to learn to keep her opinions to herself.
Keep up the running! Way better for you than fucking ironing. I’m another iron dodger. My adult daughter has thus far avoided a life of crime and misery despite my relative lack of domesticity.

It isn't generational. She's just judgy and one of those people weirdly obsessed with housework. Tell her that you don't want her opinions on the house any more nd stick to it. If she starts again say "My house, my rules Mum' and change the subject or walk off. You aren't pinned to the floor and forced to listen.

My mother knows that any comments about housework on my home will be net with "ah, thanks very much for the offer, really appreciate it" and provision of a broom/mop/cloth/etc.

Very quick way to get these comments to stop ;)

*IN my home will be MET with

My mother was the same and it got me down sometimes but I generally put up with it because when she came round she did a lot of housework for me and I was grateful.

I do think a lot of the old school mothers who didn't go out to work do not understand - but they will always know people who work and still manage to keep their houses immaculate.

Try not to let it 'get' to you too much, I'm sure she is good in other ways.

My elderly aunt stayed over once...I had a three year old and a baby who had just started weaning. At breakfast I made her something then made my toddlers breakfast and was spoon feeding porridge into my babies mouth whilst she asked me what I was going to make for mrformers breakfast..... She also told me my stairs needed vacuuming.

Thank you!!! I felt like I was being completely unreasonable! The ironing one is driving me up the wall - she just cannot understand why I don’t iron and is horrified that I don’t iron bedsheets. Tbh I just bloody hate it and find it a complete and utter waste of time.

Today she looked out of our patio doors and rolled her eyes at the kids toys they left outside last night - I mean come on, give me a break! (Toys now back in the Wendy house FYI!)

She never ran or exercised when we grew up and I think if she had she’d have been happier in her own skin!

Oh my goodness the stair vacuuming one!! I have had this one too! The odd occasion that she looks after my kids (more so my fault as don’t have a huge need to be away from the kids) but she always (kindly) hoovers my stairs but has a dig about how I should be doing it every other day! I barely have time to pee 🤣🤣

Learn to laugh about it OP. When she makes a comment, laugh and ask "are you offering?" Honestly, one of the best lessons I ever learned is to laugh at rude people.

Whoa. Frankly I think DH is a bit ott for hoovering the stairs weekly 😂

My Mum is very similar. I used to get comments all the time. We had a falling out once over something else and she hasn't commented since. I think she just slags me behind my back now.

My Mum is obsessed with ironing everything (irons tea towels as they lie nicer in the drawer) and cleaning constantly. I don't iron much at all these days and she would be horrified.

She once commented how she worked full time and had a cleaner tidier house than me. She left out that it was my sister and I were older than my DC were at the time. I also have 3 and she had 2. She also forgets that us DC ate dinner at my Grandparents house every day after school as she was at work. This meant that we weren't in the house that much to actually make any mess during the week.

I would rather my children grow up with memories of enjoyable weekends than spending most of Sunday cleaning.

Definitely need to laugh it off! I feel guilty because she is on her own and I don’t want to see her upset but I’ve spent 14 years of my life worrying about her and feeling guilty that I can’t do that anymore and this just adds to it being guilt tripped into fucking cleaning my floors 🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️

If she's that bothered, you'd think she'd give a hand. My house was a bit of a mess when the children were little and my MIL never once offered to help. I think back now and realise how much I would have appreciated it. She is making you feel bad, to make herself feel better. Tell her to stick her opinions where the sun doesn't shine!

Mine was the same.
I solved the problem.
She used to mention things like decorating - go for it mum.
She'd moan about lack of ironing - go for it mum
Crazy woman had a rant that I should be making my own bread - told her to knock herself out.

She'd drop the subject for a bit, then mention the decorating or whatever, yeah mum, like I said, I haven't got the time, go for it if it bothers you so much.

A couple of times crazy woman would mention it again, told her to take her fuck off and leave me alone, cannot be dealing with you anymore.

Thank you @LemonBreeland! This is exactly my Mother. They forget how hard it was I think and to be honest, were their houses ever that perfect or have they just forgotten. I hope you manage to rise above it. Likewise and I feel if I was to be on top of everything they’d just be glued to the television all day!

Should add we are TTC number 3. I’m petrified of telling her when it happens already!!

@canigooutyet - absolutely brilliant!! We have been waiting on the painter and decorator coming for ages (DH and I are
Shit at painting) anyway she had a dig today about how long it was taking - do it yourself!!

I feel this. My mother used to give me a long list of things that needed doing around the house. WTF! I had 3 children under 5, I worked pt and dh worked long hours. I really didn't give a crap about the washing machine seal that needed a scrub, the jumpers that should have been washed inside out, the socks that needed pairing or the patio door where the lock needed to be sorted (you just needed a knack to lock it).

She is super lovely and would roll her sleeves up and scrub the house when she came. This used to annoy me though - my house isn't dirty, or even particularly untidy.

I had to have a word about it and she calmed down a little. I think they forget that they have more time on their hands and x, Y, z may seem important to them - it's waaaay down my priority list.

I feel you OP!!! SO frustrating. DM invites herself to mine ALL THE TIME and then criticises me. Even worse is she doesn't say "you need to tidy", she says "talk to me, I'm really concerned about you, you're taking on too much, the house is a mess". We're currently renovating our house. It's a mess because we don't have an oven or a dishwasher, our walls are bare plaster so there's dust everywhere and builders are in and out 24/7. I just feel like telling her to fuck off.

I think its a genaration thing, my own mother is constanatly cleaning and can not relax at all. Every evening she is cleaning or doing something. Wecouldnt go anyhwere untill the house was spotless and yes everything donw to socks was ironed. I used to be the same when i moved in with himself as i had grown up with it. Now i have learned to relax and be able to live with a little mess (i also got a cleaner). Keep laughing it off and comments like are you offering each time. Also remind her that your house is lived in not a health hazzard. Your kids are happy, fair play on the exercise too, great for your mental health

Tell her you regard your house as an exercise gym for the immune system .

My mother once picked up my frying pan and said "I clean the outside of my frying pan". How could you not laugh?

I used to go mad cleaning the house before she arrived, and then wondered why I bothered as it was never good enough for her. My MIL paid for a weekend away for us and asked my Mum to look after the DC. MIL to infirm to do so. She spent the whole weekend cleaning my house, which was admittedly pretty bad at that stage as I'd been ill for a couple of months, and didn't take my DC anywhere or do anything with them. It's quite sad really, she would rather clean my house than do something fun with the DC. She wasn't always that bad, but once she lived alone her house was always completely immaculate and she can't cope with anything less.

My MIL has made similar comments in the past, especially about me not doing any ironing. I'm like you OP, and would much rather prioritise work / spending time with my kids / going for a run / almost anything actually over housework. Just ignore her!

I don't think it's necessarily a generational thing in that it's the "mother's" generation - I'm probably the age of the mothers being complained about her. Nor do I think it's an age thing - I don't think women necessarily get more critical as they get older. But i do think there may be some flip-flopping between generations - my mother ws very house-proud, I reacted by being pretty casual, DS2 has gone back to super house-proud.

@runninguphills - everything you have said is spot on to my Mother. It’s the stuff like the washing machine seal that she goes on about. I must add our house is lovely and clean just not to her standards! She made a comment once about how she used to dust her skirting boards when we were small children! WTF?

Ah yes forgetfulness and rewriting history. Chucked a few of those back at her as well.

The feelings of guilt, yup big time, until I started reminding myself she was my mum, she was the one that was supposed to be looking after me. I really started to analyze the relationship with her and people in general, doing the whole pros and cons, until ultimately I got to the stage of if this was some random person how would I deal with it? We should be able to be honest and open with the loved ones, more so than some random. Why should I have to take this shit in the name of "love"?