Pressure from my Mum over housework....

[ShelleyI83]

I am quite close with my Mother. She is on her own (father passed away) so I do really appreciate it can be lonely especially during these Covid times but she lives 5 mins away and has a fantastic group of friends.

Problem is the pressure she piles on me. I work 3 days a week (doing 4 days worth of hours) and have 2 DC ages 4 and 3. She thinks the house should be immaculate, comments on how my walls need painted and how could I have let the children touch them, how my bathroom needs cleaned, why I have so much washing and is horrified that I don’t iron. I run 3 times a week for me time as my husband works long hours and she can’t understand why I’d do that over the housework. Today the children were playing up a bit, generally good kids just seemed exhausted today and was again putting the pressure on me to reprenand them and having comments like ‘oh well I just shouldn’t have come today’ 🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️ give me strength!

Is it a generational thing? Do they just not get working Mums (all mums infact!) have a lot of their plate!

It's a control thing.

My OH and I are both senior, professional 40-somethings, no children by choice, but both the youngest in our families. We both have high housekeeping standards, split chores evenly and don't do clutter.

Yet every time my mother comes over, she'll find the most ridiculous thing to call out, like the fact that we haven't dusted the top of a picture frame or something, and I reckon it's because she refuses to take me seriously as an adult (she once asked me why I don't iron my OH's shirts and seemed perturbed when I laughed).

It used to make me want to punch walls, but now I just laugh, roll my eyes and tell her where the dusters live if she's so bothered by it.

Next time she comes to your house and moans about the cleaning...pop a mop and bucket in her hand, and ask her to crack on with the jobs.

I once read somewhere that mothers can choose any two of the following, but not all three:

A clean house
Happy children;
Your sanity.

One other thing to remember: An immaculate house is a sign of a wasted life
Both statements are ridiculous. Of course you can have all three things.
Nothing up with an immaculate house.
The problem in the OPs scenario is her and her mother has enough different standards. Op almost sounds proud that she has a dirty bathroom and load she of washing. They are just basic tasks.

Time to tell her to keep her beak out, I'm afraid. Yes, it's partly generational, especially if she didn't work, but she really should know that she is being rude!

My Nan can be a bit like this, not with me but with my Mum who's 65, still working full time and waiting for a knee replacement. She really doesn't get why my Mum doesn't come in from work and start cleaning every day. It's honestly exhausting for my poor Mum.

If you let her keep speaking to you like this she will continue and probably get worse as she ages.

Just tell her you don't like it, you wouldn't take it from anyone else, including DH, so you're not going to take it from her either, that if DH isn't bothered then she certainly shouldn't be and if she can't stop she needs to stay at home.

Hopefully she'll reign it in then.

I’ll never forget my mum visiting when I was about 25 weeks pregnant, softly weeping about the state of my skirting boards

Even before pregnancy I couldn’t give two shits about my skirting boards (although I do occasionally give them a Hoover nowadays ) but I was pregnant WITH TWINS and could barely stand up without fainting.

I can’t remember what I said but (12 years later) she rarely comments...or maybe were better at keeping the house clean

Ironing tea towels?

Fuck me who has time for that?

Decorating I can understand being annoyed at comments as it’s a big job and whilst small they will only get it dirty again.

I do hate a messy house though although wouldn’t comment, just avoid going. I have friends who don’t iron anything and their clothes clearly show it. I understand not ironing every single thing but find it strange that people can’t be bothered to iron anything.

Oh gosh yes. My mum is the same. I worked FT over 4 days when DS was A toddler. DH did the same.

My mum would visit and go on and on about how our house needed cleaning and tidying, how we should iron DSs clothes, how we should take our dog more walks (she has a dog walker and is out for hours every day)

I pointed out that I work full time whereas she didn’t when I was a child.

She then pointed out DSIL kept her house immaculate and worked and had a child. DSIL only worked 15 hours a week, and had family nearby including my mum who regularly looked after dniece so she could get stuff done. I must have went off on one that she did say sorry and hasn’t brought it up again

@thepeopleversuswork

Ironing tea towels?

Fuck me who has time for that?

My mum used to iron her shower curtain.

My mother (and her generation) have made a rod for all of our backs by trying to do it all (working and running the house/everything else). This is the reason why so many men expect the "respect" their fathers had but without maintaining the responsibilities that their fathers brought to the table.

I've worked 70-80 hour weeks for the last 25 years. I used to get a little irked by my mother's comments on the "state" of the house (she comments much less now). I was chastised (tbf by my dad ) for getting a cleaner. My brother was not.

In the intervening years, however, when they've popped in to check on the house when I'm on holiday, I have been known to leave a pile of laundry/the hoover/cleaning products out and come home to a lovely fresh house and a newly made bed.

If it helps, these days my father and brother, neither of whom sees the need to clean their own house (as they don't see any mess/dirt/pile of laundry apparently), regularly comment on what they feel is not up to scratch in mine. I show them the cleaning products and tell them to crack on if it bothers them. Strangely they don't.

My lovely SIL would not comment if I lived in a hovel (other to check I was ok).

Get the cleaner.

But, DMIL who also worked full time when DH and his sister were children has never uttered a word about our house cleaning. When returning to work after Mat leave, she did recommend getting a cleaner if our budget allowed as it’s hard work doing it all

so many men expect the "respect" their fathers had but without maintaining the responsibilities that their fathers brought to the table

Nailed it.

I'm always amazed by how many men expect a 1950s style housewife who also works full time

Well, if she’s sat their criticising, give her a broom, the Hoover and a dust cloth and tell her to crack on.

My mother in law wasn't as direct as that but very much felt the same. My father in law gets it better but then he worked and she didn't really (did a few hours a couple of times a week as a cleaner).

They have recently moved closer to us and she expects us to run around after them despite us both working full time (I do 40+ hours a week, often much more), we have two kids and at busy times ie when we are free it can take up to 20 mins to drive to their house so their and back plus doing whatever they want is minimal 1 hour but usually two. She can't understand we are too tired for this after work.

There

In my experience this kind of criticism normally comes from older women who have very little to fill their time with. They dedicated their life to children who have now moved on and cleaning a house that barely gets dirty nowadays. Frankly they're aware of their lack of status in the world nowadays. By focusing on your cleanliness or lack of, and setting themselves up as the expert, they are trying to give themselves status and importance again

Oh yes, let’s not forget that I worked full time as did husband while my twins were little whereas mum had me and didn’t work. She also tells me how I was such a placid baby, sometimes she’d poke me to wake me up as she was bored

When my DM was alive, she always criticised my house. I worked f/t, DH worked f/t, 4 DC and numerous pets does not a tidy house make. I stopped inviting her over because I couldn't stand the constant eye rolling and tutting. She practically ran a white gloved finger over every flat surface. The irony was that she stopped working when she married and employed a cleaner!

My mother does this
To be fair her house is super clean
I just tune out
I think she is trying to help

@jgjgjgjgjg

In my experience this kind of criticism normally comes from older women who have very little to fill their time with. They dedicated their life to children who have now moved on and cleaning a house that barely gets dirty nowadays. Frankly they're aware of their lack of status in the world nowadays. By focusing on your cleanliness or lack of, and setting themselves up as the expert, they are trying to give themselves status and importance again

I agree.

Dm not like this as she has interests and friends. She does clean and our house was lovely but has a balanced approach

I wouldn't take it from my dm

Yes mine is the same. TBF tho she does my ironing and I'm quite happy to tell her to get on with any housework that is upsetting her 😂

My mum irons literally everything. Bedding. Tea towels. Pants. Socks. You name it. Nothing gets missed.

She also peels potatoes and had a go at me yesterday for not washing the potatoes I had just peeled before I put them into the pan of boiling water.

Yes. You heard me. Wash the potatoes AFTER you've peeled them 🤪. Ffs

When I had my first dc, I was stressing out in front of MIL that my DM was coming over and would heavily criticise the mess.

MIL was shocked and told me to imagine myself 30 years later and think about whether I'd really gave a shit about a little bit of dust on the floor vs memories of playing with my dc and spending vital time out doing things for myself for my sanity.

She's a wise lady, my MIL.

Hand her the mop/hoover/duster/iron next time

I don’t think it’s a generational thing, people forget once they are past the stage of having young kids to run around after. Just try and ignore her comments.

I rinse the potatoes after peeling them just in case there's any little bits of dirt or skin clinging to them. I don't iron anything though. I embraced my grandmother's attitude to cleaning, which is to do anything that could become a health hazard and bugger the rest. She's happy and healthy in her 80s now so there's probably something to it!