Pressure from my Mum over housework....

[ShelleyI83]

I am quite close with my Mother. She is on her own (father passed away) so I do really appreciate it can be lonely especially during these Covid times but she lives 5 mins away and has a fantastic group of friends.

Problem is the pressure she piles on me. I work 3 days a week (doing 4 days worth of hours) and have 2 DC ages 4 and 3. She thinks the house should be immaculate, comments on how my walls need painted and how could I have let the children touch them, how my bathroom needs cleaned, why I have so much washing and is horrified that I don’t iron. I run 3 times a week for me time as my husband works long hours and she can’t understand why I’d do that over the housework. Today the children were playing up a bit, generally good kids just seemed exhausted today and was again putting the pressure on me to reprenand them and having comments like ‘oh well I just shouldn’t have come today’ 🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️ give me strength!

Is it a generational thing? Do they just not get working Mums (all mums infact!) have a lot of their plate!

I only think of the state of the skirting boards when I take a photo (usually the cat), and I think shit that's grubby

My answer to myself is to crop the photo

YANBU. The running thing isn’t “me time”- that’s part of keeping yourself fit & healthy, which is just as if not more important than cleaning & tidying, so don’t feel guilty about it! I’m sure your doing just fine. Your mum probably has to much time on her hands to be noticing what your not achieving rather than what you are x

Depends how meant. Is she offering or being judgmental. My mum loves housework so Irons for me, wipes stuff I never think of. We have conversations where she says I’ve just wiped the windowsills outside - I’m pretty clean/tidy but there obviously a cleaning gene that has bypassed me. I let her do it. I don’t take it as judgmental. She gets put out if there is no ironing. (She comes and minds dog when I’m in office - she’s in our bubble so can still come in)

@Irisheyesrsmiling

My Mam is the same, and my dc are now older and it hasn't changed. I think old school parents have very different norms. Mine worked ft even when it wasn't common, but all spare time was spent doing housework with maybe a drama on the telly once a week. Very different norms.

Mine presents me with lists, paper and oral, and cannot come over without digs about home, ironing, dc etc. Nothing has changed it. I love her dearly but it does make visits far more stressful than needed.

Why do you put up with it. It's controlling behaviour.

My mum says I should have a word with my cleaner because it’s not clean enough. She used to clean her drains every week. I remember her sitting hand scrubbing white socks with a bowl of soapy water. She asks why I don’t hoover everyday, why there’s rats nests (fluff) under the beds. We live far apart so not all the time, but it has really upset me over the years.

It’s not an age thing it’s mean. Poor you

My mum is like this, I actually won't let her in my house now. When i had my DD i had PND and it was a struggle just to get out of bed, let alone do housework whilst looking after a newborn. So my mum used to come up once a week to help me clean, on some of the days I would have actually make a start and be proud of myself and then she would waltz in and be all judgemental of what I hadn't done, now everytime it is even mentioned about her coming to my house I have an anxiety attack.

I grew up in a home filled with hate and chaos. When I had a home of my own, no one was afraid to open up the front door. It was filled with love. I vacuumed on the solstice-twice a year most years. My children remember sitting and reading together and how I taught them to use the microwave to heat the meals I left in the fridge. We all cooked for my Dad every night and took care of him. No one ever got sick as the bathroom and kitchen were always very clean. Everyone was very happy.

I think it's a mother thing. Mine often tells me I should be doing more, but the truth is I don't. She didn't work until I turned 16 then she expected me to iron cook look after my siblings until she got home, I just remind her that I work full time and that the housework can wait and nobody has died yet from me not cleaning the skirting boards each day.

I've just started saying crack on with it if it bothers you that much...plus Covid means she hasn't been here in a year and she can't complain over FaceTime!

Ignore the comments, unless you're living in filth you kids won't remember if you hoovered the stairs or not when they're older but will remember you playing or doing things with them.

My mum is exactly the same, she said she used to prioritise housework a lot so that may be the standard, she was also quite good at keeping herself looking smart. But she didn’t work... she is quite good at acknowledging things are different now for many women but she does find it hard not comment on the state of the house/pigsty.

Ask her to nip round while ur out and do some housework.

I know the feeling op. My Mum is just the same (although not just about cleaning every aspect of my life). Despite me being clear her opinions aren't welcome, she just can't help herself. One time in particular stands out. I was heavily pregnant with youngest DD. Oldest DD

Sorry. Oldest DD was a toddler. I was working full time. I was shattered as it was. Mum was coming to visit so I pulled out all the stops to get the house as near to immaculate as I could. I was absolutely exhausted. Mum turns up goes into the fridge. Then runs her finger down the seal. Says it's disgusting and I really should clean it. Cue crazy exhausted hormonal pregnant lady. I don't think she knew what hit her.

My mother has never criticised my house or the way I discipline my children. And I do neither particularly well.

My sister's MIL would nag her about things like not ironing her bedsheets. Eventually she just snapped and said something along the lines of "I have better things to do than indulge in competitive cleaning."

YANBU and it's not generational: that's your mum's personality.

What you need to do is sit her down and say: mum, I love you and hope you take this in the spirit that it's meant but you need to keep your constant commentary on my housework/kids/lifestyle choices to yourself. I'm not going to change to suit you and your constant negativity is having a really toxic effect on our relationship. Respect my choices or we will be seeing a lot less of each other because frankly, my life is tough enough without having to tolerate this constant criticism.

If she doesn't reign it in, start seeing less of her. She needs to get the message.

When I was a child DM cleaned obsessively, hated housework and every so often would have a huge meltdown about it in which we treated her like a piece of furniture, that she’d cleaned the house ‘on her hands and knees’ and so on. She’d have been a happier and more fulfilled person with outside interests and a few cobwebs wouldn’t have mattered. Stick to your guns!

Just give her the dirty washing to take home and wash/iron for you, tell her she is more than welcome to clean.....

@Hollyhocksarenotmessy

It isn't generational. She's just judgy and one of those people weirdly obsessed with housework. Tell her that you don't want her opinions on the house any more nd stick to it. If she starts again say "My house, my rules Mum' and change the subject or walk off. You aren't pinned to the floor and forced to listen.

Definitely not generational thing. Neither my mum or mil would be that rude (or pass any comment!) and our house is similar sounding to yours.

It's also not letting you be an adult and running your own home how you see fit

If I were your mum I’d offer a bit of help , either have the kids for a couple of hours or take your washing home for you. My daughter in law works 3 days a week and prefers to go horse riding in her spare time than doing housework. I wouldn’t dream of criticising her . I have the youngest for her in the school holidays while she works and next week I’m having my granddaughter an extra morning while DIL goes horse riding . She deserves some time to herself and so do you .

I’m with comedian Joan Rivers: “Housework is so pointless. I spent hours cleaning. And six months later, it needed doing again.”

Don't invite her round again

I really feel for you OP.
Be kind to yourself & I think you just need to remind your Mum that you are doing your best. She may need to know that my 101 year old Grandma always says ‘You won’t be on your deathbed & regret not doing enough housework!!’
I’m sure your Mum is actually trying to be helpful - it just feels like the opposite!
Hang in there.

Sounds very familiar. I felt guilty for not being good enough but then got to the point where if the house was good enough for me I would just not respond to any of her comments and they have eased off.