Pressure from my Mum over housework....

[ShelleyI83]

I am quite close with my Mother. She is on her own (father passed away) so I do really appreciate it can be lonely especially during these Covid times but she lives 5 mins away and has a fantastic group of friends.

Problem is the pressure she piles on me. I work 3 days a week (doing 4 days worth of hours) and have 2 DC ages 4 and 3. She thinks the house should be immaculate, comments on how my walls need painted and how could I have let the children touch them, how my bathroom needs cleaned, why I have so much washing and is horrified that I don’t iron. I run 3 times a week for me time as my husband works long hours and she can’t understand why I’d do that over the housework. Today the children were playing up a bit, generally good kids just seemed exhausted today and was again putting the pressure on me to reprenand them and having comments like ‘oh well I just shouldn’t have come today’ 🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️ give me strength!

Is it a generational thing? Do they just not get working Mums (all mums infact!) have a lot of their plate!

My mother used to do this but she's the type that irons knickers I also have a bitchy friend who used to dramatically declare 'Oh purrs, I don't know HOW you can live with this mess!' (unwashed coffee cup in the sink) I shrugged and replied 'It's easy, just lower your standards' 🤷 He STFU after that 😅

Lol I thought it was a cultural thing, apparently not.. my mum's the same - video calls from India and she picks up on things like, why isn't that cleaned, and why are you letting DS do that etc etc. I love her to bits and she is the most resilient woman I know but it is tiring living upto her expectations.. we fight over it and she keeps quiet for a few days till the next time she can't help herself.. she was here for a few months while I rejoined work and honestly, managed everything at home singlehandedly while taking care of a 6 month old, while I was at work. I just don't have the drive to do it. And making that clear helps (for a while atleast). I would suggest, if she means it good naturedly, then talk to her openly. If she is being mean about it and just saying it in a smug manner, I would ignore or tell her off..

It's not a generational thing. She's just rude.

@purrswhileheeats

My mother used to do this but she's the type that irons knickers I also have a bitchy friend who used to dramatically declare 'Oh purrs, I don't know HOW you can live with this mess!' (unwashed coffee cup in the sink) I shrugged and replied 'It's easy, just lower your standards' 🤷 He STFU after that 😅

Ha! I have a friend like that, asks how can you bear to live like this whilst gesturing at a single toy car on the floor

You need to move out from under her shadow! Stop spending so much time with her and put up some boundaries!

My mother is exactly the same! She gave up work when she was 5 months pregnant with me and never worked again, even when all 3 of us had left home. She had no hobbies or friends so had all the time in the world to clean and decorate (though it was myself and my sister doing the majority of the cleaning from 7/8 years old.

She was astonished when I kept going back to work after each of my kids (I had 3) and actively encouraged my sister to stay out of work as long as possible.

She couldn't understand why my house wasn't spotless....I worked anywhere between 16 and 40 hours a week, took the kids out on weekends (she never did that with us), had hobbies and friends. My life didn't revolve around housework/housewife stuff and she didn't like or understand it!

If I knew she was coming round I'd be panic cleaning for several days in advance and she's always find something to have a go at me about. Then she'd only stay half an hour or so.

Thurmanmurman - that’s reminded me that my mum used to dust and polish her plant leaves until they were shiny.

My MiL is a bit like that. I remember her skyping us on Christmas day and dramatically telling us that we'll need to clean up before people come tomorrow (there was wrapping paper on the floor as we had just opened our presents and obviously we didn't intend on just leaving it there indefinitely). She was the type who wouldn't sit down and eat dinner with everyone as she'd be tidying the kitchen.

"Is it a generational thing"- in a word, no.

My mother is 88 and wouldn't dream of doing it. It used to drive her insane when her MIL visited and would casually run a finger over a picture frame to see if it was dusted.

My MIL would pour me a stiff gin & IT and make me laugh over her funny stories: she had better things to do with her life than worrying about other people's dusting.

I think the trick is that both had plenty of other thoughts to fill their lives. My mother is actually very good at household things (mending old clothes, sewing monograms, cooking, looking after household items) and is proud of it, like she would be proud of any skill, but she is also musical and interested in academic pursuits.

My MIL was pretty hopeless at domestic pursuits (though clean and reasonably tidy), but she was the most amazingly social person you could imagine. She wouldn't have time to criticise other people because she'd be busy throwing a party for the neighbours.

Oddly my mum made a dig about a tea stain in her cup the last time she came here and it really got to me, given her house is an utter state and I don't dare sit down let alone risk a cup of tea.

It's not generational but individual.

There are mad cleaners in the younger age groups with Instagram type lives.

Ask her if she's offering to do it.

Then do not share about ironing / anything else she judges you on.

I don't think you need to say anything, you are an adult you dont have to justify that you dont iron knickers . I think I would just laugh and say something like " I cant believe women were little more than servants, and not even that long ago either! Thank god times have changed eh?"

I'm trying to do more cleaning having been very patchy through adulthood. Now I no longer have little kids it's time to reclaim the home I want. However it's for myself! Like your running is for yourself.

I wish I could still run. I'd be out there doing that instead!😉

No, it's not generational.

Just tell her it's your home and your family and you're bringing them up as you and your DH want.

Just as she did.

This happened to a friend of mine. Growing up her mum didnt work initially then worked part time. Their home was like a show home. (I lived opposite). My friend is now a single mum to a teenager who has special needs and she works full time.
Her and her mum had endless arguments about the state of her house. Now her mum cleans and tidies the house and picks her daughter up from school 2 days a week. All 3 of them are so much happier.
So laugh when your mum says the house is a mess and say I have x, y and z to do but you are more than welcome to come round and clean whilst I'm at work that would massively help.
She might say no but she might actually be pleased to have a purpose!
Another friends mum also cleans her house for her but sadly that is because she wants to get out of the house and get away from her husband so cleaning her daughters house is better than being at home.

Coalcraft Love it! Genuinely do not get obsession with cleaning .As my friend used to say" It will still be there when we have gone!" Surely lifes too short!

My mum was a bit like that, she now has dementia so doesn't comment anymore, but before that she would exclaim over my pile of ironing, asking in a horrified manner " when did you last do the ironing" , she'd go out and rehang my washing on the line - not only did I not hang it out properly but as she never tired of telling me i had the wrong sort of line , an inferior rotary line not one strung between scaffolding poles across the garden like her.

Ignore ignore ignore and dont let it get to you, she probably doesnt intend to rile you.
One day you might miss her nagging

She made a comment once about how she used to dust her skirting boards when we were small children! WTF?

I physically shudder when dusting skirting boards is mentioned.

Shelley
I would get annoyed with cleaners, so ditched them in favour of a guy who sorts the garden, an ironing service, a window cleaner and a guy who comes around every 6-8 months who cleans the oven. That sorts us out.

I'm like another pp, I loathe running but I'd rather run than do housework - some bugger always comes along 5 minutes after I've hoovered the stairs with mud on their shoes (looks at DP ) so what's the point?

I wonder if it skips generations? So my grandma worked full time, was a single mum to three children. My mum says she basically had to fend for herself, House was always untidy and she never had clean clothes!

My mum in turn is a massive clean freak.
She made sure we always had polished shoes, she never stops cleaning and ironing...she can’t sit still.

I’m sure she things she’s being helpful when she comes to my house but she’s always saying ‘oh shall I polish the boys shoes?, they need more socks/shirts/ I’ll iron these’ etc. It’s quite helpful but I still feel a bit judgy.
It’s also exhausting. I feel I can never sit down as she’ll say ‘shall we sort the washing out?!’

Next time she says something give her some cleaning products or the hoover and tell her to do it “ properly “ then 🤣🤣

I agree that YANBU OP, but I do not think it is a generational thing. My DM worked full time (I only work part time) and she was so/so about housework. DM was born in 1938.

Her DM helped out in the family business and never bothered with housework (they had a cleaner but even then my DGM was not bothered one way or the other) (DGM was born in 1902).

My aunt, on the other hand (DM's sister) was obsessed with cleaning - she was a SAHM and never worked outside the home and was super judgmental about my mum and about her own mum and their lack of cleaning prowess - TBH I always took it that she was obsessed with cleaning in order to justify never having worked outside the home when all of her siblings and even her mother did. (she was born in 1930). Even when she lived alone, after her husband died and she was in her late 60's she got up and did all her housework before going to mass at 9.30 a.m.

Anyway, I digress. My cousins (aunt's daughters) are also cleaning obsessed even though they also work full time - so maybe it is genetic?

My mum does this too, I just tell her to shut up (in a polite way) or I just say “well I’m obviously just not as good at this as you were”. The thing that irritates me the most is that all this is directed at me when both me and my husband work full time, she’d never say to my husband “haven’t you moved those clothes” or “your (insert room) is a tip, why don’t you tidy it”. Our children are the same age as yours too so I get how hectic life is just keeping them alive before you’ve cleaned the house and painted the food/crayon stained walls!

She is being rude and you need to put your foot down

Personally I would be having a long conversation over how the constant comments is upsetting you and it needs to stop. I would go so far as to say that if she continues you won’t be inviting her to yours anymore

My Mum is the same. I just kept saying ‘I don’t have time but you’re welcome to clean it if it bothers you’ . She gave up eventually.

My mum is 74 and never makes comments about the house. She went to work full time when I was 12 and sibling was 5 (when my dad left the army as she couldn’t work ax a military wife). She still managed to exercise regularly which had set me a really good example. My mum always makes positive comments about how I manage to juggle working and raising two children. She knows what it was like herself.

I think you need to challenge your mum on her comments. As long as you are all happy, healthy, DC well cared for the rest is just her opinion. Well done on the running. I started in lock down and love it.