Pressure from my Mum over housework....

[ShelleyI83]

I am quite close with my Mother. She is on her own (father passed away) so I do really appreciate it can be lonely especially during these Covid times but she lives 5 mins away and has a fantastic group of friends.

Problem is the pressure she piles on me. I work 3 days a week (doing 4 days worth of hours) and have 2 DC ages 4 and 3. She thinks the house should be immaculate, comments on how my walls need painted and how could I have let the children touch them, how my bathroom needs cleaned, why I have so much washing and is horrified that I don’t iron. I run 3 times a week for me time as my husband works long hours and she can’t understand why I’d do that over the housework. Today the children were playing up a bit, generally good kids just seemed exhausted today and was again putting the pressure on me to reprenand them and having comments like ‘oh well I just shouldn’t have come today’ 🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️ give me strength!

Is it a generational thing? Do they just not get working Mums (all mums infact!) have a lot of their plate!

@MereDintofPandiculation oh god 🤣🤣 I mean come on, what do you say to that?!

I’ve found that meeting her outside the house is easier - well the only option just now! Go for a coffee so she can’t moan about my windows!

@MonkeySnake - I too get ‘you look exhausted. You are doing too much’ well Jesus Christ now do you see why I can’t clean my house!! Work, kids, exercise, life admin!

I'm with you on not ironing anything- but cleaning the washing machine seal is worth it otherwise it grows mould & clothes come out looking worse than when they went in! I've literally just gone to town with the bleach & now running machine at 90, then will have to rewash clothes with black stains.

I would preempt any comment before she comes round. Ring her and tell her you love her and her company but you are sick of hearing her go on about your house. She has two choices, she can come round and keep her mouth shut, or she can stay at home.

My FIL once made a comment about our lawn needing cutting, this man retired a 50 and hasn't done much since, no ill health just inherited so paid off the mortgage and set up for life. Dh told him if it bothered him that much to come round anytime and he can do it, he soon shut up.

My Mum would always say to people you take me as you find me. My friend who I met through a baby group asked me how I managed to keep my house clean, I showed her the large chest that I just chucked everything into if someone was coming round

The rant about the evil mop was brilliant, absolutely nothing wrong with my mop head btw. They are full of germs and my kids are walking/crawling in all this stuff. I was supposed to get on my hands and knees and scrub the floors, at least 3 times a day, just like sweeping/hoovering

I feel very lucky as my mum will just do stuff for me if I don't have time to do it or don't want to. Not cleaning, I do that myself, but she has offered to do my ironing before (mainly because she does my brother's and I told her she should let him do it himself). I don't iron much these days either though - just kids school uniform really.

My mum will also decorate for me as she enjoys it and I don't and she and my dad will come round and do some gardening for me. They are both mid 70's but ran out of things to do in their own house and like to have a project on the go!

I am a single parent so appreciate it and know I am very lucky.

@CoalCraft

My mother knows that any comments about housework on my home will be net with "ah, thanks very much for the offer, really appreciate it" and provision of a broom/mop/cloth/etc.

Very quick way to get these comments to stop ;)

Love this! 😂😂😂

It isn’t generational. It’s different lifestyles and standards. I remember my mum urging me to get a cleaner, not because she thought my house was dirty, but because she thought working full time and keeping a four bed house clean was too big an ask.

My FIL also used to comment on our car needing washed when we pulled up to their house. The closest we ever lived to them was 30 miles. Funnily enough all that driving would make it dirty. We also lived next to a farm.

Tbf she has gone on and on about getting a cleaner but thus far I’ve refused as we love our holidays and like to use most disposal income on that but I am coming round to the idea just for a break and a break from the comments!

@ShelleyI83

Tbf she has gone on and on about getting a cleaner but thus far I’ve refused as we love our holidays and like to use most disposal income on that but I am coming round to the idea just for a break and a break from the comments!

Do it. It’s the most liberating thing I ever did. To begin with I struggled with another woman clearing up my mess but I soon got over it!

My mother is just the same. I ignore her now. (I try to anyway!) I have to bear in mind that she's just being a bitch about it for some reason. I'm disabled & often bedbound. She rarely comes to help or even see me, maybe a couple of times a year, & has never once babysat my 8 y/o DD, she lives locally. (I can't medically drive, so can't easily get to see her.) She helps my sister weekly & has since her DCs were born. You can guess who is the golden child...

Of course it's not generational. And it's a sign of how much we're becoming ageist, that it even occurs to you that it is.

If anything it's the younger generation that's gone mad for super-cleanliness. Hello? Mrs Hinch?

It's my daughter who makes the occasional comment about my (perfectly adequate) housekeeping standards. And I got as irritated by that as you do with your mum.

My MIL is like this. Ironed fucking socks and tea towels etc. Concerns herself with my skirting boards.

They inherited a house, had a cleaner and a nanny.

We both work FT.

I've told her she's welcome to deal with my skirting boards if she's that bothered.

It isn't generational. She's just judgy and one of those people weirdly obsessed with housework.

Absolutely, they come in all ages, and are overrepresented on Mn housework threads.

You will know them because they always talk about how they just can't sit down in the evening until the house is spotless, and chirp about wondrous 'cleaning hacks' such as squeegying the shower door and tiles when you are actually taking a shower, and never going up or downstairs without carrying something to be replaced in its proper spot.

I can absolutely empathise OP. My DM has got better because she realises just how much time & effort it takes to raise DD11 who has attachment disorder, sensory issues & is very likely on the spectrum. We were also told that she may well have ADHD as well. Having said that, I still get lectures about the cleanliness of the house & DF can’t help remarking on the state of the garden & has to squirt the weeds when he comes over. They have been brilliant to us but the remarks about our standards really rankle!

This is one reason why I never have my mother here

Sounds like a generational expectation although some people are like this anyway. My mum was horrified when I said that I didn’t cook a meat meal for DH every night...we had no kids, I had a senior role and was generally home after him.

Honestly it is none of her business. Next time she complains hand her a broom.

I would not dream of commenting on the homes of my AC; and my parents and in-laws did not comment on my home. Just as well really as they could have been there all day listing the my housekeeping shortcomings!

Once you stop thinking that at some level she is right, if only you had time, etc., then it no longer has any power over you. You can agree with her and still not prioritise doing anything about it.

That will make you feel loads better about it. You will see that once, she had power over what you did (when she taught you to put in your shoes) and now, she no longer had that power.

It's sad, it's funny, it's not important.

One benefit of having a cleaner, is that it stops me thinking that anything of this is anything to do with me. Oh, X hadn't duster the stairs.

As it happens, when she first started with us, I asked "Treasure" what it would take to have the house "ready for my mother to visit". It's brilliant.

My mum could see that I was struggling to keep all the plates spinning sometimes when she visited before Covid. Her usual response was to just make us a cup of tea and get the hoover/iron/polish out and get stuck in. I appreciate her SO much and she's saved my sanity on many an occasion. I always recall her talking about visitors they used to have when we were babies who were difficult, critical and sat on their arses waiting to be waited on. She swore never to do that to us!

Hopefully I'll get the chance to pay that forward when my kids are older if they need it. Maybe try a cleaner to see how it works out for you? Agree with pp please keep running! Dusty skirting boards and a few creases are not worth the price of your mental health. I'm a runner too so I know how precious and restorative that time is! In lockdown I used to just sit outside the house for a few more minutes to steel myself before going inside!

YABVU to suggest it's generational. It's a personality thing. I've come across women in their 60s and 70s who never iron and keep housework minimal, I've come across obsessive housework fiends in their 20s.

My mil.has learned not to comment as handed her the iron lady time

I really don't think it is anything to do with age. I always worked full time/very long hours and housework was never a priority and is not now. If you want to be amazed and horrified about how much time some (mainly younger) women spend on housework and the ridiculously high standards they set themselves then have a peek at one of the FB sites like Mrs Hinch Cleaning Tips or Zoflora addicts. Truly scary.

My mother was the same. She just complained constantly so I told her that it was my house and if she didn't like it she could leave. So she learned very quickly to keep her nose out. She complained about the mess, the dishes, the ironing, everything and anything. Likes the sound of her own voice too much I think.

Our house was perfect when we were growing up because she made the girls (not the boys, of course) do chores every day. So the bathroom was cleaned every day, the washing was washed, dried, ironed and put away every day, we used to even do the shopping, bring the shopping list and money to school. After school we went and did the shopping and pack it up and get in a taxi and bring it home while still in primary school. So of course her house was perfect. I give my dc chores but age appropriate and fairly distributed.

She also beat us and force fed us food we hated until we threw up so really I will take my untidy house and happy, much hugged and well adjusted dc over her PERFECT house.

I am now NC.