Pressure from my Mum over housework....

[ShelleyI83]

I am quite close with my Mother. She is on her own (father passed away) so I do really appreciate it can be lonely especially during these Covid times but she lives 5 mins away and has a fantastic group of friends.

Problem is the pressure she piles on me. I work 3 days a week (doing 4 days worth of hours) and have 2 DC ages 4 and 3. She thinks the house should be immaculate, comments on how my walls need painted and how could I have let the children touch them, how my bathroom needs cleaned, why I have so much washing and is horrified that I don’t iron. I run 3 times a week for me time as my husband works long hours and she can’t understand why I’d do that over the housework. Today the children were playing up a bit, generally good kids just seemed exhausted today and was again putting the pressure on me to reprenand them and having comments like ‘oh well I just shouldn’t have come today’ 🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️ give me strength!

Is it a generational thing? Do they just not get working Mums (all mums infact!) have a lot of their plate!

My PIL are like this too. MIL hasn't worked since DH (an only child) was born, FIL retired nearly 20 years ago at the age of 52. They have totally forgotten what it's like to not have essentially endless time. I mostly just bite my tongue and ignore it - they're generally lovely - but I did say something recently when FIL commented on 'how slowly' we were doing at redecorating the house we moved into three months ago. We have a two year, I'm pregnant and we both work four days a week; we've done some redecorating or other house task every weekend since we moved in, so I'm not sure what more he expected! What annoys me is their genuine incredulity that we don't fix whatever they point out then and there. I remember when DS was about 10 months and we were both still working full-time they (very kindly) babysat him on a Thursday evening and pointed out that the guttering needed clearing and then came around at 10am on the Saturday and the first words were 'have you not done that guttering yet then?'. When did they think we'd have done the guttering?! But I think they wouldn't be able to sleep if something in their house wasn't immaculate so it horrifies them that we can just leave things.

I once read somewhere that mothers can choose any two of the following, but not all three:

A clean house;
Happy children;
Your sanity.

One other thing to remember: An immaculate house is a sign of a wasted life

She never ran or exercised when we grew up and I think if she had she’d have been happier in her own skin!

To be fair (and I write as a housework phobic) apparently housework can give you as much of a workout as a gym session or a long run.

Pre lockdown when DMum looked after the children once a week she would do the washing up and vacuuming and cleaned things like the microwave and oven, I miss those days

FIL on the other hand would often comment on how messy our house and SIL's house was, we just ignored him. Now he can't come into the house to see it's even worse.

Yes, it's a generational thing. It can also border on toxicity, imho. People often wonder what toxic femininity looks like, this is a good example of it.
Whether you decide to confront her about how she makes you feel is up to you. Do not in any case let her drag you down, however. You have enough on your plate and she isn't helping, she is hurting.

Interesting re the generational comments and thanks for highlighting it isn’t always generational. I can’t stand Mrs Hinch fwiw 🤦🏽‍♀️ I absolutely won’t give up running thank you 😘 And for my sanity I think a cleaner is possibly the way forward!!

I don't think it's necessarily generational. My DM is a similar age to MIL and not nearly as fussed about housework. I think retirement can make people more concerned about the little things, though, as they often have more time to get things 'right'. I've definitely noticed both my parents have got much fussier about how they do things since like the shopping since they retired - when they were both working they just didn't have time to care as much.

Mine used to comment on dust on door frames & skirting boards!
It used to annoy me but I know my time was better spent walking in the woods or going to the park with my DC.

Generational? Unless your mother is in her 80s and was a housewife then YABU for suggesting such a thing.

My MIL is an arse when it comes to the home, her home is immaculate however it would be as she only shares it with her DH and not 4 DC. She believes that its the DIL role to keep the house clean, even when we work full time. I did chuckle when she lost it at my SIL home as it was dirty according to her....her DIL is the breadwinner in that home too and she wouldnt believe that either. I think she has a chip on her shoulder as she prides herself at being at home for her DC and not working. Even though in the 70s she was judged by her DH friends wives who worked. Anyway she would know better than to say anything about my home. Not all woman are like your mum but some are.

When I was a child, my gran (who was disabled and housebound) was entitled to a home help for two or three days a week to do her shopping and housework. On the days when the home help was expected, my mother would go to my gran's place first thing in the morning and clean it! I often asked her why she did this - after all, wasn't it what the home help was being paid for? The nearest I ever got to a sensible response was "If the home help sees the place is dirty, she'll think your gran's family don't look after her." Sad but true.

Give her a duster and hoover. Or the children!

She needs some sort of hobby other than having a go. You are working and have small children, that is quite sufficient without dusting skirtingboards.

I think when Mum's do this it's a form of projecting their own life in order to justify their choices. My Mum is exactly the same because it was all she ever did. It's how she felt she was judged therefore how she judges others. She would hoover and dust every single day and upstairs on a Friday. Iron everything. Cook at least two courses for meals and get up before everyone else to get them a cooked breakfast.
I on the other hand have no intention of doing anything like that and she makes her comments because seeing me as a SAHM who actually does things outwith the house for myself and without her husband remind her that she just gave up her soul to be a dogsbody for everyone else. She would rather I did the same than admit that I've got it better than she had. I read a brilliant quote that sums it up "she is a victim of the cage she imprisoned herself in years ago"

Be quite firm in that if she is that bothered by it then she can help get it done, not bother coming round or just not ever comment about it again because it's just plain rude.

I saw a great mem once:

Me: Okay kids, now we need to clean the house.
Kids: How clean? Nanny clean?
Me: No, operating theatre clean will do.

*Meme

I sympathise - my mother grinds me down by picking holes in stuff round the house. She’s not actually a cleanliness fanatic at all. In fact, she’s always made a big deal of how “common” it is to care much about housework. But her need to believe that I’m always “struggling” and can’t cope without her is a pretty fundamental part of our relationship, sadly.

Plus I think it’s a way to take it out on me when the useless men in her life are being crap. I remember her having a go at me because I hadn’t managed to load the washing machine, back when I was a new single mum with a constantly screaming newborn who wouldn’t nap and an infected c-section scar. It would probably have been less trouble for her to load the bloody washing machine herself, in the time it took for her to reduce me to tears and then tell me that she was worried about my mental health. Later it turned out she’d just come from a row with her DP because he objected to having to cope alone for a couple of hours while she visited her daughter who’d just had a baby.

Pass her a cloth and a tin of paint.

She can't understand why you'd run rather than do housework?

I loathe running & would rather run than do house work!

Nobody's headstone ever said "I wish I'd done more housework"!

My late mother was just the same. She never worked after marriage and was an absolute martyr to the housework at the expense of all else. It seemed to be the entire reason for her existence.

She absolutely could not understand why I didn't have the time (or the inclination) to do such things as darn my husband's socks, wash down all the skirting boards once a week or polish the door handles every day to get rid of fingerprints.

When you work full time you simply can't be arsed to do any of that. At least I couldn't.

Just tell her if she want to clean it, be my guest (but my bedrooms/office is off limit and locked )

We have a large floor standing house plant in the kitchen and once MIL passive aggressively said to DD that she thinks the plant isn't very happy as the leaves are all dusty! I didn't want the plant, it's DHs plant and I made it clear that if he wants the plant he looks after it. I called DH from upstairs to inform him he needs to dust the plant as his mum said it's dusty

I'm scratching my head just wondering how you could prevent your kids from.touching the walls

98% of people voting on here cannot be wrong, OP. Your mum needs to get busy and help you out, rather than making rude remarks. If you can say that to her in a loving and cheerful way, you're halfway there. Sounds like you have a lovely young family. Honestly, some people.......!

OP, it's because it's your mother that she's getting to you. You spent a sizeable part of your life trying to please her. If this was a chance acquaintance, you'd either be annoyed at the rudeness, or gently laughing at this batty old woman. Practice trying to detach emotionally, and see if you detach from the wanting-to-please side of the relationship. If she lives long enough to move into dementia, you'll find this a vital coping mechanism, so it's not too soon to practise.

Since you're fond of her, I'd try to go for the "batty old woman" reaction rather than the "how rude" reaction if you can.