Pressure from my Mum over housework....

[ShelleyI83]

I am quite close with my Mother. She is on her own (father passed away) so I do really appreciate it can be lonely especially during these Covid times but she lives 5 mins away and has a fantastic group of friends.

Problem is the pressure she piles on me. I work 3 days a week (doing 4 days worth of hours) and have 2 DC ages 4 and 3. She thinks the house should be immaculate, comments on how my walls need painted and how could I have let the children touch them, how my bathroom needs cleaned, why I have so much washing and is horrified that I don’t iron. I run 3 times a week for me time as my husband works long hours and she can’t understand why I’d do that over the housework. Today the children were playing up a bit, generally good kids just seemed exhausted today and was again putting the pressure on me to reprenand them and having comments like ‘oh well I just shouldn’t have come today’ 🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️ give me strength!

Is it a generational thing? Do they just not get working Mums (all mums infact!) have a lot of their plate!

My mum was exactly the same. She’d keep saying ‘ you wouldn’t get away with that in MY house’ to the children which made me feel like a shit mother but they weren’t bad little ones. She’d criticise the house, anything from the decor- ‘ not my taste but it’s ok’ to ‘haven’t you cleaned the fridge/ oven/ cupboard yet. The boys got to the point where they disliked her and I was pissed off with it all. Eventually, when she said that my youngest was a ‘disgusting human being’ for not making her a cup of tea I told her to leave. I’ve not spoken to her since and wow, what an enormous sense of relief!
She even sold my grandmother’s engagement ring to a jeweller on my birthday. She knew it was the only thing I would have loved to have as we had such a lovely relationship. What she doesn’t realise is that she told my son she’d sold it so he phoned the jeweller straight away and said she had early onset dementia so luckily he kept it for us and we bought it back from him.
Let her know you aren’t happy with how she is towards you and can she cut you some slack. It’ll affect her relationship with your children as well as they won’t like seeing you constantly criticised. Do it before it’s too late

If it's any consolation, I don’t iron either OP. I think it's pointless. And nobody has ever called me out on having creased clothes so I don’t think it matters!

Its a good job you're her DD and not her Daughter in Law because I don't know many people in your position that would put up with it. Carry on as you are it sounds like your doing a great job if your family are happy there's no more to be said.

I'm mom to 4 grown adults now with their own families. Granna to 3. I do my share of Granna minding as both parents work.

I wouldn't dream of saying anything. I think temperament comes into it. I was fortunate I seen my mom most days and she dug in and helped me out as much as she could.

LOL at ironing. My late mom loved ironing for a few years anyway. Having so many children she got sick of it.

Like me she got to the stage of not ironing unless necessary. I'm still the same today. It is doesn't need ironing then I don't hence very little very rarely get ironed

I’d say it’s individual, rather than generational. My mom will be the first to say she was never good at housework. And she was right. I grew up in a slovenly house. It was her prerogative. My grandmother lectured her all the time. When I was old enough, I started to clean. Mom didn’t like that; I’d get yelled at about it. It was depressing to live in an unkept house. It was embarrassing when my friends came over. When I moved out, I would happily clean my house. When I had 2 babies, I happily cleaned the house. When I worked full time, the house was always cleaned by me. It’s how I like it; it smells fresh and is always clean-not immaculate or pristine, but the housework is always done. My kids are 18 and 15 and are big helps around the house; I also get my workouts in. I just have a system; but I just simply like to clean.It’s how I roll; I just like doing it. I would never have the audacity to lecture anyone on their cleaning. It’s not my business. Everyone has their way about things. Worrying over someone’s dusting and cleaning is a waste of time. Putting up with someone lecturing over your home is a waste of your time. She should offer to help or hire someone for you if YOU truly wanted that, not gripe about YOUR home. Just do you. And enjoy your run!:)

It’s really hard but try to let it wash over you- my mum seems to enjoy ironing - I think things like that are a bloody waste of time-it is generational and maybe the fact that older people have more time.
Life is short- it’s always going to be a balance- :)

I'm a mum, and a grandma, and worked until a few years ago too. As I've become older I've become less worried (able), to worry about housework etc.

Pet please don't take too much notice of what your mum is saying, try to let it wash over you. There's a good chance that your mum is focussing on your housework and child rearing as a deflection of how unhappy she is since the loss of your Dad, if you can just ignore it, or why do t you try to take her out for a cuppa when your other half is out and explain that you are really tired physically and emotionally, maybe explain that she is making you feel really sad because you want to spend quality time with her, even ask her if she can help you.

But, I have No doubt that she loves you and is really proud of you, just forgets to tell You xxx

You are a better person than me because I would SO tell her where to go. Please don’t stop the running to do housework.

My MIL gave me a very good piece of advice some years after I married her son. We had two children, two jobs, and were like you, a bit relaxed about housework. After all, we can't do everything.

This was about 45 years ago, she worked as a laundress during the war, had 7 children, was never still. 'I really wish I'd made more time for me Jacqui, and done rather less housework. Take note.'

The only things I iron are pillowcases (because I like them that way), shirts, and cotton blouses etc. No sheets. No towels, No underpants. The world has not fallen in, and I had more time for my children.

Don't be guilty. If you earn enough, get some help in. I used to love Tuesdays after my lady who cleaned had been to give my house a spruce up. Sounds as tho you have got your priorities right.

ps does she come to see you and your family or your home? You might want to comment on that then give her a hug.

@ASatisfyingThump

I rinse the potatoes after peeling them just in case there's any little bits of dirt or skin clinging to them. I don't iron anything though. I embraced my grandmother's attitude to cleaning, which is to do anything that could become a health hazard and bugger the rest. She's happy and healthy in her 80s now so there's probably something to it!

Wait a second...doesn't everyone rinse potatoes after peeling them? You're touching the outside of the peel as you're peeling, then transferring all of that icky stuff onto the peeled potato with your hand. I thought that was standard. But maybe not?

As far as ironing - I don't own an iron. :)

My mum isn't critical of my house. But she can't understand why I don't clean like she does. She likes cleaning, I hate it. She also doesn't understand why I have a cleaner. She thinks it's easy to clean one room
A day. Hmm I work 12 hour shifts. She was a stay at home mum for much of my childhood.

I embraced my grandmother's attitude to cleaning, which is to do anything that could become a health hazard and bugger the rest.

Love it!!!!

My MIL was like this and it drove me up the wall until I essentially started responding as if she had offered to help (which is what I think she probably was doing in a roundabout way). She quite happily did most of my ironing in the end and would even do my dishes if she popped over and I hadn't done them yet.

I must be in a lower social class, but why don't you just tell her to clean and tidy the bits she things needs doing while she's at your house? She's your mum, surely she must have that maternal want to look after you still. Even if my mother in law is being judgy she asks if she can give a hand with anything and I reel off a list for her to pick from 😂

If it were my mum I'd show her where the hoover was!

It's not a generational thingy she's being awkward.

The right answer is if you don't like it help out rather than stand there moaning.

Has she offered to help out and you said no? She could be carrying over hurt feelings? Or she can't accept you have different priorities or it could be a generational thing. My biggest generational issue was people not being fully dressed an hour after rising. I couldn't get my head around it. People shower, change from pajamas and then put on pajamas I still think it's weird but hey ho!

Mine is like this. She was horrified last Christmas when I booked myself a spa morning on 23 Dec and spent half a day relaxing - my work was closed, DD's nursery was open = no brainer! I also bought some shortcuts for Xmas dinner and generally made it was easy/relaxed as possible.

But Christmas as a kid was all about Mum doing huge amounts of ridiculous tasks (with help from my Dad, and us when we were bigger). She got really stressed about it, shouted loads. Christmas Day always ended up with at least one person in tears because they were sick of being shouted at. I don't want to have a miserable Christmas like that.

Urgh, ironing. No thanks!

Actually it reminded me of a (kind of) funny story - when I was a toddler my parents had the health visitor/whoever come over to do the standard baby development checks. One of the checks was to show the toddler picture cards and ask them what they were. My parents say that I was whizzing through them like 'oh that's a cat, that's a fire engine..' etc, and when she showed me a picture of an iron I was completely stumped. The visitor was quite concerned and seemed to think I should know what it was at that age, and my parents response was 'well why should she, she's never seen one!'

There are MUCH more important things in life :)

The problem is that you live far too close to her!

It is a mix of generational and just being unhappy in her situation. Set your boundaries with her. There is no guilt as she is an adult and can still build and maintain her own life. Give her the go ahead to start cleaning and if she says to get a cleaner, ask her if she is offering to pay for one. If you like to travel and spend your money on different things, go for it. My house is very similar, i just don't have parents on either side around. I don't want to spend my time ironing and cleaning. Good luck. Life is too short to live your life for others.

The house will still be standing when you are dead and gone. Life is too short. Your children will always remember you playing with them as a child. They will not remember your nice clean house that they had to watch everything they do in case they mess it up. I am retired now and my house is immaculate. Wait until you retire then you too can have an immaculate EMPTY house.

Like many women of their generation (and probably like her mum before her), they had a different life and a different amount of time.

I would thank her for her concern, and if she persists, tell her you do what you think is appropriate.

I love that @curiouscat1987. I don't iron since the kids left primary. My dd2 went on a cadet away camp and they had to iron. Well she could use our steam one but had no idea what to do with it. Cue a sneaky call to mum.

Sounds like mine! She's just rung me while I'm away to complain about the mess and how she's wasting all her time cleaning at mine when she has better things to do (i didn't asked her to do anything, just feed pets) i get it all the time. Why am I doing such and such when I should be sorting the house... That my kids a bickering because of the mess, that I shouldn't snap at the kids when they drive me up the wall (says the woman who always yelled and gave us a wallop for pretty much everything) constantly moans I'm not fast enough at making her tea when she knows where the damn kettle is. Her house isn't spotless and was a tip when i was a kid (she denies this but my sibling says it was definitely a tip!) she judges everything and says she doesnt and she's damn rude which I tell her and then I get hell about that too.