Pressure from my Mum over housework....

[ShelleyI83]

I am quite close with my Mother. She is on her own (father passed away) so I do really appreciate it can be lonely especially during these Covid times but she lives 5 mins away and has a fantastic group of friends.

Problem is the pressure she piles on me. I work 3 days a week (doing 4 days worth of hours) and have 2 DC ages 4 and 3. She thinks the house should be immaculate, comments on how my walls need painted and how could I have let the children touch them, how my bathroom needs cleaned, why I have so much washing and is horrified that I don’t iron. I run 3 times a week for me time as my husband works long hours and she can’t understand why I’d do that over the housework. Today the children were playing up a bit, generally good kids just seemed exhausted today and was again putting the pressure on me to reprenand them and having comments like ‘oh well I just shouldn’t have come today’ 🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️ give me strength!

Is it a generational thing? Do they just not get working Mums (all mums infact!) have a lot of their plate!

That’s not generational-just rude. I would tell her as it would piss me off no end!

My mum moaned at me to tidy my house the day after I got home from hospital after the birth of my first child. Even my dad who is "old school" about housework told her to shut up.

@ASatisfyingThump 😁. I will let my mum know there is an ally out there fir her!

Do you peel mushrooms too? She hates that I don't.. 🤦‍♀️

If you don't want a cleaner don't get one.
Don't waste money on something that annoys your mum, just tell her to stop with her helpful comments, you're doing your best and the comments are upsetting you.

Much cheaper!

This could be written about my mother - I did tell her once that I often didn’t invite her because I don’t have time to tidy up to her standards - she still didn’t get it , can’t help her self but make some comment , if not about my house then about friends who also don’t reach her standards !

@groutingqueen god no, just rinse the dirt off. Peeling mushrooms is a right faff! I don't rinse any root veg after peeling either, it's only potatoes. Legacy of years of shit peelers probably.

I don't kmow as it is entirely a generational thing. I thibk it is just plain rude. My mother is equally dismissive of my housekeeping skills. I have just had the upstairs decorated to which I got, "well the garden still looks a mess." She is met with stony silence or a MN classic "did you mean to be so rude?". I'd try it OP.

Also, covid = no visitors. I am enjoying not having her beak in my drawers. As in literally she opens drawers and cupboards.

Sorry typos. Lying down.

My mum only comments if my house looks clean and tidy. If she ever is minding the kids and she has a minute she will fold clothes that I've not managed to do/clean the kitchen sides and sink etc. She's 75 and refuses to iron I think she appreciates that we've got a 4 year old and an 8 month old, husband works long hours and I work part time (but long days on the days I'm in)

20 something years ago, when I was doing a full on job earning around £100k, my mother suggested that, if I didn’t have time to do my own housework, I should consider getting a part time job. I explained the concept of comparative advantage.

Yep, I have this issue too. I do often remind her that I have 3 dc she had 2, so my life is already busier than hers was. Although I do the same job on paper that she did, it is completely Different now and far more is expected, so I work harder than she did and Dh works far more hours than my dad ever did. I also think I’ve realised that the amount of time she spent on housework was for nothing. My house is clean enough. It doesn’t need to be ready to pass a March out every day before I can leave it! (Dh used to be in the military, I know how to properly clean a house!).

My mum can be like this - drops the odd comment about mess, then tells me I'm doing a great job working full time with two young kids which is really odd. What makes it worse is we grew up in an utter dive and her house was far from pristine. Our house is generally more presentable and cleaner than my childhood home ever was. She's bonkers.

Oh god... My Mum used cleaning as a coping mechanism when my Dad was in the forces and she was alone a lot. It made her ill and she had OCD badly for a few years (hoovered twice a day etc etc)

She often comments when she comes to my house on things that need doing and like several she cannot believe I don't iron - BUT she looks after DS and when he naps she either irons, sorts washing, cleans kitchen or dusts round front room for which I am eternally grateful. Over the years she has calmed down a little (and I have learned to not take it personally - apart from when I was pregnant and she told me everything that needed doing and I literally burst into tears but to her credit she was wanting to help me do it all lol)

@jgjgjgjgjg

In my experience this kind of criticism normally comes from older women who have very little to fill their time with. They dedicated their life to children who have now moved on and cleaning a house that barely gets dirty nowadays. Frankly they're aware of their lack of status in the world nowadays. By focusing on your cleanliness or lack of, and setting themselves up as the expert, they are trying to give themselves status and importance again

I have noticed this. I've heard many women like this chat amongst themselves about how they have had to clean "FILTHY!!" things for other people and gone in to detail about what they did. It's like some competitive martyrdom.

I also think there is some resentment there too.

I feel your pain OP. My mother lives in a beautiful new build mansion. Her place is immaculate. She's moved so many times and isn't sentimental or worried about waste, so has no clutter and buys new furniture every time she moves. On a Monday she does her cleaning and ironing (and is in a horrible mood because she doesn't enjoy it). With two young children, a dog, cat, house renovation and a husband who is still recovering from being in a coma, she still expects my place to be as immaculate. I clean and tidy so much more than she does, but still have a more untidy house. She will come round and constantly comment on what needs doing as though I simply haven't noticed, rather than the fact that I'm so bloody busy and the kids constantly mess it up. I'm one of the cleanest/tidiest of my friends, yet if I explain this, she laughs and says that I must hang around with some lazy types etc. I get sick of the jokes. She never noticed what I've done, only what I haven't. For example, last weekend I cleaned the small cobwebs from around the outside downstairs windows and guttering and washed them. She instantly told me that I needed to brush off all the cobwebs, without even noticing that I'd just done exactly that. She sits inspecting the inside window glass, chandeliers/pendant light fittings, the cutlery drawer etc. She never comments on my achievements, just that my house is not up to her ridiculously exacting standards.

@runninguphills

The washing machine door seal....I'd forgotten about that!! Yes, one of my mother's favourites. When I lived with her for a while during the worst of our renovation (which was hell on earth), she made me wash and dry the seal after every wash.

Hand her the bloody vacuum!

Mine wanted me to clean the corridor between the 2 doors the people putting down a patio during torrential rain one year. Whilst they were still working. Utter bonkers.

Interesting how some people can make some comments, but it doesn't sound rude.
My dm genuinely wanted to be kind and helpful and said anything like this in a diplomatic way and would happily help out.

Mil on the hand is nasty with it, like a diva swishing in pulling faces and once she sobbed over the dirt.

(just after a dc party 🎉) also whilst dm could talk about so many subjects, Mil can only talk about cleaning, I think it's a power control thing, it's how she feels superior.

I have pretty high standards when it comes to housework, cleaning, etc and even I’m with you on this one! Keep up the running.

She sounds like she would pick faults in your house, no matter how clean & tidy it is!

Anyone who comments I hand them cleaning equipment or point them to areas that need doing that stops it, I genuinely don't care what people say we just live the way we do with calling a pile of magazines an 'art installation' or 'we are finding our inner zen by leaving the dishes in the rack to mediate'

Send her round to my place. She’ll be so horrified it’ll shock her into silence . My stairs have needed vacuuming for months and it’ll be months more til I can be arsed doing them. The fluff bunnies (mix of carpet fluff created by the cats plus cat fur) have extended families.

My late dp had ocd, it was wonderful, I used to go out for a couple of hours & he would clean the house from top to bottom, even arranged everything in the fridge & cupboards. Nothing could be left on the worktops or the sink, he washed up & stood waiting for my pots. I could have made a fortune renting him out as a cleaner.

My Mam is the same, and my dc are now older and it hasn't changed. I think old school parents have very different norms. Mine worked ft even when it wasn't common, but all spare time was spent doing housework with maybe a drama on the telly once a week. Very different norms.

Mine presents me with lists, paper and oral, and cannot come over without digs about home, ironing, dc etc. Nothing has changed it. I love her dearly but it does make visits far more stressful than needed.

I had the thing about how my DGM managed and she worked. But she wasnt a single parent. She worked full time, had a hands on DH who cooked each evening, a DF who looked after the kids, a cleaning lady and an ironing lady. Hardly the sodding same! If she is that bothered she can do it!

My mum is like this. I got sick of it and handed her the hoover and a broom and told her if she’s unhappy feel free to do it herself.... and she did. Now she does it every time she comes to visit (even though it doesn’t need doing now DC are older and tidier) but keeps her happy and stops her snapping at me. 🤷🏻‍♀️