AIBU to be scared to tell my boyfriend that i'm keeping the baby he is so sure i am going to abort?

nutellacrumpet8991 · 2020-10-18T14:05:25+00:00

I know i posted before but i find this situation extremely difficult to deal with and i need more advice. Long story short. We're 22 and 24. Boyfriend wants abortion saying he’s made his decision, i don’t want to, i want to keep it. He thinks me keeping it will make him resent me long term. It i do decide to keep it he wants us to live together regardless if we are together or not because he doesn’t want to be away from his baby. I told him that i’m not going to live with him if not a couple. He said ‘well tough, i’m not staying apart from my child’. I have made my decision. How do i tell him i decided to keep it when he’s almost convinced i won’t? I am scared of his reaction. Also as stupid as this sounds i am hoping we can work it out and that he’s not going to break up with me because i really do love him and he’s never acted like a dickhead before so i blame his behaviour on the initial shock (although he might just be a complete dickhead)

MatildaTheCat · 18/10/2020 15:09

The way he’s speaking to you about living together is very threatening and concerning. I suppose there’s a small chance he will revert to Nice Boyfriend again when he gets used to the baby idea but honestly, that threat chills me.

Can you put distance between you for a while and tell him your decision from that distance (go to your parents for a while?)

pointythings · 18/10/2020 15:10

I'm sorry, but he has more red flags all over him than a mile long line of bunting. He doesn't get to live with you on his say-so, you know. It's incredibly controlling of him to say that he will dictate this.

And of course it's all a way of scaring you into having the abortion he wants you to have. You really would be better off breaking up with him and going it alone - he's never going to be the partner you deserve. As for being a dad - imagine what he will be like when your DC starts developing a mind and will of their own...

LuaDipa · 18/10/2020 15:12

This sounds tough. I can only say that he has no right to dictate anything in this situation. You have the final say about what you do and where you live. He cannot force you to live with him if you separate and I would be explaining very clearly to him that this overbearing attitude could be construed as coercive behaviour.

mamaonamission · 18/10/2020 15:14

I remember reading your other thread.

Well done for the decision.

However, don't put him on the birth certificate and don't live with him. He's got control written all over him.. and I fear you will have big regrets when he decides what he wants to do with "HIS CHILD"

How will you feel when he decides he wants 50/50 custody? When he's finished with the relationship. He's clearly stated he's only staying with you out of guilt to not leave the baby! How will you feel letting your baby stay away half the week.

Also not to fear monger but, if he's on the birth certificate, and he decides to keep the baby from you, you can legally not do anything till a court case happens.

You need to factor in all this, because I guarantee others will have the same thoughts just off what you've wrote.

Slightlybrwnbanana · 18/10/2020 15:16

Can you stay with friends or family for a few weeks and tell him from a safe place?

Original poster

nutellacrumpet8991 · 18/10/2020 15:17

I don't have any family in the UK and it's just me in the area

OP posts:

Lizadork · 18/10/2020 15:18

I would walk away from him now, maybe in shock but he sounds controlling and domestic issues can go worst from pregnancy onwards when a woman's chance of escape is minimal. That if you want to split up when baby born and living together, garentee he will not let you take "his child". Warning signs are now to get out. Your first priority as a parent is to not bring chaos into your child's life and he sounds worryingly controlling.

Nymeriastark1 · 18/10/2020 15:19

Well he sounds a treat, he's decided HE wants an abortion, HIS baby. I would separate now regardless if you have an abortion or not, and tell him you can sort custody once the babies born. Just so you know no court will separate a newborn from it's mother for 50/50 especially if your breast feeding. So he'll be in for a shock. What was he like before the pregnancy because he doesn't sound very nice? What do you get out of this relationship?

Catawaul · 18/10/2020 15:23

Do you think you'd ever want to move to be near your family, if you don't stay together? It would be difficult to leave the country after a baby is born.

ReneeRol · 18/10/2020 15:26

He doesn't want to have a baby with you. I feel sorry for men in this situation. Women - rightly - can have abortions purely because we don't want to be stuck to the wrong person permanantly in our lives or because a baby at a young age would financially destroy us but men are expected to accept women forcing unwanted parenthood on them in these same scenarios.

He's not going to become happy about this. He may love the kid (or resent it, who knows) when it comes but he'll always resent you for making him a father when he's not ready.

Personally, I'd tell him over text and keep physically away from him for a while because you don't know how he's going to react, if he feels you're ruining his life then you need to give him time and space to calm down.

He wouldn't be a "dickhead" for feeling that either. He's young, he has his life ahead of him and you're dropping a lifetime of responsibility he's not ready for, financial loss and connection with you, on his head.

Waveysnail · 18/10/2020 15:29

Does bf have a decent mum? She could be a help dealing with bf.

FizzyGreenWater · 18/10/2020 15:30

I was on your other thread.

Also as stupid as this sounds i am hoping we can work it out and that he’s not going to break up with me because i really do love him and he’s never acted like a dickhead before so i blame his behaviour on the initial shock

Yes, it does sound stupid - for one very important reason which you've left out of this OP. You've known him SIX MONTHS.

Six months.

You do not know this man, at all.

All you have experienced of this person until now is lovey-dovey first months all in love and perfect.

Now you are having your first experience of what this man is like when something happens that he doesn't like. When he gets a shock. When he gets told no.

He has IMMEDIATELY become controlling, abusive, laying the law down.

This IS him.

Please, please think about this. Because you know that there is a really high chance that if you have this baby, he will do his best to take it from you? I don't mean fully, physically - I just mean that having a baby with a man like this is a disastrous, soul-destroying, BAD thing to do.

You could break up with him, not put him on the birth cert, give the baby your surname but if he wanted to, he could still go to court, get his name added, and by the time your baby was 2-3 years old you could be looking at sharing care with a nasty, controlling, spiteful, jealous man who will do his best to make your life hell. And in doing that, he'll make this child's life hell too.

Imagine being ten years in the future. He's moved on, has other kids with his now wife... but still has YOUR child 50% of the time in his home with his family (and your child's siblings) where he makes sure that if he can undermine you, he can. If he can slag you off to your child, he will. If he can wreck your plans, he will. Etc.

Yes, it's a worst-case scenario. But it's such a bad one that I really really want you to think about it.

Even if there were no pregnancy this man is now red flags a go-go. You should dump him as he is bad news.

If you absolutely cannot think about termination, is there a way to tell him you are terminating and then dump him and disappear? Unlikely to work I imagine...

Once you have a child with someone your life is linked with theirs. They have the power to disrupt your life and to damage your family.

Please think.

pickingdaisies · 18/10/2020 15:37

I remember your other thread. You are walking straight into a nightmare if you stay with this person. You don't love him because you don't really know him, you only know what he has shown you, but this is the real him showing through.
You need to get away from him. Especially if you plan on keeping this baby. Because the abuse will really ramp up once it is born.

RavensByNight · 18/10/2020 15:37

He wouldn't be a dickhead for his feelings; it's more the insisting on living with OP whether she wants him to or not that I'd be concerned about.

user18264925482 · 18/10/2020 15:37

I recognise you from your last thread.

He sounds just as controlling and abusive. Do you really want to bring an innocent child into an abusive situation?

It is not normal to be afraid of how your partner reacts, and frankly nobody who loves you would try to control you like this.

He has no respect for you. If he doesn't respect you, he can't love you. He sees you as property. He doesn't even care about your opinions !such less your feelings so how can you think he cares for you as a person?

You're trauma bonded, you're not in love.

It is sad that you think love looks like this and that it's a normal way to live.

My bank treats me with more respect and compassion than this man shows you.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 18/10/2020 15:46

So, can you go home, or move to another town? Listen to the wise ones, he is trouble. He doesn’t care about you or your baby.

tink09 · 18/10/2020 15:49

I don’t say this lightly, but I’d be leaving him and having an abortion. You will be tied with him for life if you keep the baby and you can’t stop him having contact. Speaking from experience, you’re risking years of hostility, arguments and it’s exhausting.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 18/10/2020 15:49

How can you be in love for someone you have known for just six months? Having a child and choosing their other parents is a huge decision and not something to be taken lightly.

If he leaves, which is likely, can you support yourself and a child on your salary? Childcare is not cheap and unless you own your house renting is going to get harder and more expensive a LLs costs go up etc.

FatCatThinCat · 18/10/2020 15:59

I remember your other thread too. This man is trouble and dangerous. You need to be away from him whatever you decide about your pregnancy.

You mention that your family are not in the UK. Think very carefully about where you want to be if you have your baby. If you want to be with your family you need to go before the baby is born. If you wait until afterwards then it will be so much harder.

TinkerPony · 18/10/2020 16:01

If you really want your baby go home to your family.

Ohalrightthen · 18/10/2020 16:02

@FizzyGreenWater

I was on your other thread.

Also as stupid as this sounds i am hoping we can work it out and that he’s not going to break up with me because i really do love him and he’s never acted like a dickhead before so i blame his behaviour on the initial shock

Yes, it does sound stupid - for one very important reason which you've left out of this OP. You've known him SIX MONTHS.

Six months.

You do not know this man, at all.

All you have experienced of this person until now is lovey-dovey first months all in love and perfect.

Now you are having your first experience of what this man is like when something happens that he doesn't like. When he gets a shock. When he gets told no.

He has IMMEDIATELY become controlling, abusive, laying the law down.

This IS him.

Please, please think about this. Because you know that there is a really high chance that if you have this baby, he will do his best to take it from you? I don't mean fully, physically - I just mean that having a baby with a man like this is a disastrous, soul-destroying, BAD thing to do.

You could break up with him, not put him on the birth cert, give the baby your surname but if he wanted to, he could still go to court, get his name added, and by the time your baby was 2-3 years old you could be looking at sharing care with a nasty, controlling, spiteful, jealous man who will do his best to make your life hell. And in doing that, he'll make this child's life hell too.

Imagine being ten years in the future. He's moved on, has other kids with his now wife... but still has YOUR child 50% of the time in his home with his family (and your child's siblings) where he makes sure that if he can undermine you, he can. If he can slag you off to your child, he will. If he can wreck your plans, he will. Etc.

Yes, it's a worst-case scenario. But it's such a bad one that I really really want you to think about it.

Even if there were no pregnancy this man is now red flags a go-go. You should dump him as he is bad news.

If you absolutely cannot think about termination, is there a way to tell him you are terminating and then dump him and disappear? Unlikely to work I imagine...

Once you have a child with someone your life is linked with theirs. They have the power to disrupt your life and to damage your family.

Please think.

Everything that Fizzy said. Having a child with this man would be a huge mistake. You're condemning a child to, at best, a lifetime of being a pawn between it's parents, and at worst horrible abuse. Having a termination might feel bad to you, but i would argue that deliberately saddling a child with a father like this is cruel and selfish.

TinkerPony · 18/10/2020 16:02

As soon as possible.

VinylDetective · 18/10/2020 16:06

Like pp I remember your other thread. Pack your stuff and move as far away from him as you can and cut all contact.Then decide whether or not to have this baby. This guy’s nothing but bad news.

Willyoujustbequiet · 18/10/2020 16:13

Renee he wasnt forced into unwanted parenthood. He had the choice to have sex or not.

Stop absolving men from responsibility for their actions.

peachypetite · 18/10/2020 16:14

I agree with @FizzyGreenWater. Having a baby means you’ll be tied to this control freak for the rest of your life.