AIBU to be scared to tell my boyfriend that i'm keeping the baby he is so sure i am going to abort?

[nutellacrumpet8991]

I know i posted before but i find this situation extremely difficult to deal with and i need more advice.

Long story short. We're 22 and 24. Boyfriend wants abortion saying he’s made his decision, i don’t want to, i want to keep it. He thinks me keeping it will make him resent me long term. It i do decide to keep it he wants us to live together regardless if we are together or not because he doesn’t want to be away from his baby. I told him that i’m not going to live with him if not a couple. He said ‘well tough, i’m not staying apart from my child’.

I have made my decision. How do i tell him i decided to keep it when he’s almost convinced i won’t? I am scared of his reaction. Also as stupid as this sounds i am hoping we can work it out and that he’s not going to break up with me because i really do love him and he’s never acted like a dickhead before so i blame his behaviour on the initial shock (although he might just be a complete dickhead)

[quote Staffy1]@Storyoftonight, yes they do, as always there is a chorus of "her body, her choice".[/quote]
A man is equally responsible for birth control. In practice condoms are the least intrusive method of birth control. If he wanted to ensure op didn’t get pregnant, he should have used condoms. But it sounds like he doesn’t like controlling himself. Only women. The moment his sperm left his body and entered ops was the moment when his choice ended.

Go home Nutella to your family and don’t look back. He’s serious trouble.

Yes, my family and close friends would be supportive. I've only told my close friends so far and none had my boyfriend's attitude of 'you need to abort'

Having known people over the years who've been in abusive relationships (especially traumatising when children are involved), if you do feel your life is very settled and your job and friends are here, then I, personally, would very seriously consider the termination.
If you don't, and you do stay, then the complications of bringing up a child, possibly being taken to court over who looks after the child, the possibility of more threats, may be huge, and you will be entangled for the next 18 years.

It's a difficult decision, but it really can get ever so nasty if someone is controlling at this kind of stage. Please look after yourself and any potential child, and really think about the long-term possibilities of any decision you make.

I could have written your post a few years ago when pregnant (except I had never agreed to an abortion). Ultimately telling my boyfriend I was keeping it made him progressively more controlling and angry until a final outburst of violence that meant I left.

I would suggest you keep in mind the possibility of raising your child alone and that even if he seems involved at first keep in mind how you will/can cope if he leaves or if you decide to leave him. Also, make sure you keep your financial stability and don’t be controlled into being in his pocket once the baby arrives.

Walk away. Cut contact. Do not put him on the birth certificate.

I would abort then leave him! Red flags are flying! If you keep the baby he will control you forever!

OP you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of heartache. Please think about this very carefully, this man will not be good for you.

How does he think he's going to force you to live with him against your will?

@nutellacrumpet8991

Yes, my family and close friends would be supportive. I've only told my close friends so far and none had my boyfriend's attitude of 'you need to abort'

If you really want to keep the baby, I'd move closer to them and do it now before you have the baby

Please please a million times please do not have this baby as a way of keeping him. It will not work. My mother did this. It ended up with him leaving her and me not living with either parent and having a horrible childhood. Please think about this very carefully.

If you truly want a baby within a loving adult secure relationship then this is not it.

I've only read the OP.

OP I remember your post before. This is awful for you, but well done for making your decision. Please stick to it - it is YOUR decision, and that is what counts. Could you tell him now that you are separating from him and get completely away while you are pregnant. That will tell you all you need to know about him. Please don't let him be around to work on you while pregnant, and do not put him on the birth certificate. Sorry you do not have family in the UK. Are there friends who could be supportive? Wishing I could give you a hug. Take care.

If you are already living together then move out asap. Go stay with friends to help you.

Don't put him on birth certificate whatever you do !

Go into this knowing you hold all the cards re baby getting to see him, you can live somewhere and don't even have to give him the adress if you don't feel comfortable - from what you've said a concern would be he comes round shouting and being controlling

Are you able to work from home for now OP? That's your chance to tell him you'll abort, then go somewhere else in the country. Work from home while you're looking for something local, then you'll be able to build a support network when the weirdness recedes.

But you need to leave him, and you need for him to not be able to find you or you'll lose yourself and the baby into a controlling relationship.

How does he envisage forcing you to live with him?
You need to do everything you can to get away from him.

Please reconsider this - this is EXACTLY how I started out when accidentally pregnant with my daughter. He made my life hell - and I mean hell. You’re tied to this nast controlling piece of shit for life. Think very very carefully

Now you've mentioned that his family don't like you because you are not Muslim, I would imagine if you have this baby and stick with this man, you are in for a whole world of trouble.

You have only known him for 6 months, it is possible that he has been raised with cultural beliefs that you know nothing about, yet could threaten your relationship with your child.

I love how people advise to not put him on birth certificate as if this is some magic bullet: a man who is determined to use a child to continue to controll and manipulate need for nothing more than apply to the family court for PR.

I remember you. And no, of course it's not unreasonable to be scared of telling this to a man as nasty, controlling, vicious and horrendous as he is.

Are you motivated not to abort in part because you think having the baby might turn him back into the loving, caring man that he has now categorically proved that he isn't? That might be the worst possible reason if so. A new baby is a grenade in the middle of your life, it tests even very strong and happy relationships. It is far more likely that he'll make good his threat to force himself upon your home without any love or care, and all the sleepless nights and shitwork will be yours because "you wanted this". But leave you alone with what he considers his property? Nah.

I'm not going to tell you what to do, but please for the love of God at least understand what your reasons are and what the likely outcome is. FizzyGreenWater's prediction is overwhelmingly likely to be the correct one. You may be prepared to accept that and that's your decision. But this reads as though you think unwanted fatherhood may cause your horrible, horrible boyfriend, whom you actually barely know, to become a new man, the partner and father you want, the person he has never shown himself to be. If you choose to keep, that's your decision, but please please understand why you're choosing it. He isn't going to change but you sound as though you think having the child will make it happen and it won't.

Dont be a fool OP. If you're keeping this baby don't tell him and go home to your family . The first duty of a mother is to keep her baby safe - and in this case, safe is a long way from its father.

Based on all the background, my guess is that once you guys have split up because the living conditions are unbearable, he'll go for 50:50 purely to avoid paying maintenance, but dump the child on his female relatives during his time too.

If you want to keep the baby I would highly recommend moving back to your home country ASAP and at the very latest before you give birth. It will be almost impossible to do once your child has been born as the father would need to give his approval; if you leave without his agreement you could get arrested for child abduction. He sounds incredibly controlling so I highly doubt he'd ever agree to you moving abroad. Even if you don't put him on the birth certificate he'd only have to get a DNA test (potentially through a court order) to prove the baby is his and to get parental responsibility.

Either way, clearly this relationship has met a dead end as you're going to resent him regardless of your decision re keeping baby. Move out ASAP - ideally when he's not home - and don't tell him about your decision until you've moved. I could see this getting nasty very quickly. Ask if you can stay at friends or if not contact women's aid. Good luck OP.

I am quite upset reading this post. Not for the reasons you might think. I have spent decades, both here and in the US stating that it is a woman's right to choose whether they have a baby or not. And that abortion should be freely available. I havent done this for some silly young person to decide that after only a few months in a relationship, when they carelessly fell pregnant to someone they neither really know or seem to like, that they will have the child. I very much echo previous posters who have described how your life will be going forward "co-parenting" with a man that doesnt seem to respect or like you for 18 years at least. My "sentence" has been shorter than 18 years, but still pretty horrendous.

I'm normally the first to criticise a man for not taking proper contraception precautions, but I really do wonder if this is the outcome you wanted. And I am also wondering if you are quite happy for the state (or rather the taxpayer) to pick up the main cost of raising this child. No thanks - I'd rather not. Hearing from close friends about far too many young people who are having children paid for by the state. Are we no longer teaching birth control in this country?

I am curious to know why you say your degree would not be valid/acknowledged in your own country.

OP, I hope you are having this child realising you will not get any support from this man or his family? It will not bond him to you. He will resent you forever.

Do you know how conservative a Muslim he and his family are? I say this, as if you do stay with him, you could be expected to convert, your child raised as a Muslim, and then have very few rights as a mother. Not always the case, but if he is from a particularly conservative family, where that is the expectation, they could make your life a living hell for raising a child out of wedlock. They may get you to marry and under some very strict shariah law, you could be divorced on just his say so, and have a fight for custody on your hands in the courts here. There are also cases of children being kidnapped etc, and the mothers having no access. If his mother already doesn't like you, you forcing a child on her son will endear you to her even less. So do not count on them for support unless you want to lose all access to your child. They see you and the child as separate entities - the child could be raised in his family without you, as a case for maintaining honour.

None of this may happen, but I want to open your eyes to the reality of what you're dealing with. I grew up in a part of the world, where this was a reality, and have seen many cases like this. Irrespective of the religious aspect, he sounds like a controlling arse anyway. And at 22, with no family to protect you, you are very very vulnerable.

If you can't go home, please cut all contact. Contact the police if he harasses you. And be mentally and financially prepared that he may challenge you for custody, or force you into a marriage where you could lose everything.

What Jurassic said. Please be very, very careful.