Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be scared to tell my boyfriend that i'm keeping the baby he is so sure i am going to abort?

180 replies

nutellacrumpet8991 · 18/10/2020 15:05

I know i posted before but i find this situation extremely difficult to deal with and i need more advice.

Long story short. We're 22 and 24. Boyfriend wants abortion saying he’s made his decision, i don’t want to, i want to keep it. He thinks me keeping it will make him resent me long term. It i do decide to keep it he wants us to live together regardless if we are together or not because he doesn’t want to be away from his baby. I told him that i’m not going to live with him if not a couple. He said ‘well tough, i’m not staying apart from my child’.

I have made my decision. How do i tell him i decided to keep it when he’s almost convinced i won’t? I am scared of his reaction. Also as stupid as this sounds i am hoping we can work it out and that he’s not going to break up with me because i really do love him and he’s never acted like a dickhead before so i blame his behaviour on the initial shock (although he might just be a complete dickhead)

OP posts:
User0ne · 18/10/2020 16:15

I read your other thread. Even if you would like to stay together his behaviour is intimidating and worrying. I think you need to be in a safe (physically and emotionally) place especially with a little one on the way living with him is not that place.

Is there a friend you can stay with? Are you in a position to rent somewhere yourself? This is probably the end of your romantic relationship with this man. It is much easier to move when pregnant than with a child.

AlwaysCheddar · 18/10/2020 16:18

Your relationship is over, so if you have this baby, I think you need to realise you’re having it on your own.

CrappleUmble · 18/10/2020 16:19

Which country do your family live in?

mamaonamission · 18/10/2020 16:25

Could you move to the country your parents are in? Ideally while you're still pregnant?

Thesearmsofmine · 18/10/2020 16:26

I think no matter what you do, you need to stay away from him.
I would think long and hard about keeping the baby because that means he will be in your life forever and so you really want tor child to be stuck with a man like that?

Haffdonga · 18/10/2020 16:28

All those advising not to put him on the birth certificate - not putting him on the birth certificate doesn't mean it's not his baby. Confused It still IS his baby. He just has to do the DNA test to prove it. He will still have the right to have contact and be in his child's life for ever more and control and abuse op etc.

OP, I haven't read your other thread but from what you say here it's worrying you have decided you want to have this baby while secretly hoping you can work it out with him. This is a TERRIBLE reason to have a baby.

I do hope your relationship with this controlling man ends for good for ever.

cptartapp · 18/10/2020 16:28

Renee what nonsense. I'd almost guarantee he wasn't wearing a condom. And not for the first time. Regardless of what the OP told him about contraception.

Notimeforaname · 18/10/2020 16:29

I read it a couple times but am still confused as you said he wants to live with you if you have the baby.... but if you have the baby you're afraid he'll break up with you?

So he wants to live with you as friends if you have the baby but will stay in a relationship with you if you don't?Confused

Notimeforaname · 18/10/2020 16:31

Anyway I suppose that's not even important. Hes sounds like a bully with all his wants and rules. He cannot make you live with him. He cant control you like this.

Could you move back to where your family is ,if you were to go it alone?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 18/10/2020 16:33

You’re pregnant by an abusive man. For me the best options are a termination or cutting all contact and moving far away to be a single parent. If you have supportive family in another country, I’d think abut moving there.

Newjez · 18/10/2020 16:34

It's your body

It's your decision.

No one else has a say.

No one else even needs to know.

janetmendoza · 18/10/2020 16:34

This is ridiculous- he does not want the child and has made it clear. He will not help you or the child. Obviously he cannot make you abort, but you must be able to do this on your own. Are you confident you can? You have no family help and you will have no help from him or his family. Please see this for what it is, it is not a game where you win a lovely baby. It will be extremely hard and solitary work.

IJustWantSomeBees · 18/10/2020 16:34

OP I strongly suggest you go back to your family, just the way he is dictating to you shows that this man is an abuser and you will need support regardless of what happens next. Please keep yourself safe Flowers

OlympicProcrastinator · 18/10/2020 16:38

It’s easy to think of a baby as...well, a baby! But they are small people who quickly grow and begin to ask questions, feel emotional trauma, demand explanations, are affected by conflict, have life time issues from inconsistent or unloving parents, absorb behaviour and stress from the adults around them.

And then everything they have gone through, good or bad will come back on you when they are teenagers and adults. And it happens so fast. You really need to focus on what sort of long term scenario’s could your son or daughter be exposed to and how you will protect, explain and answer all their many many questions.

This is a huge deal. If you want this baby you do not need to start off in a controlling, conflicting environment. It will impact your child for the entirety of their life.

Sunflowerlover20 · 18/10/2020 16:38

If I was you I would be straight on a plane to my family and then cut all contact. He sounds a nasty piece of work.

blackcat86 · 18/10/2020 16:38

You have no family in the UK? Fantastic. Get the next flight you can somewhere you can get support and get settled. Don't even tell this guy you're going, just leave (covid dependent). Come off social media and live your life free of this controlling twat with your baby. With him in your life and no support network, you and baby and really vulnerable. He only wants to use and control you.

Tistheseason17 · 18/10/2020 16:45

Good advice

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 18/10/2020 16:52

Going back to your family while you are still pregnant would be the easiest thing by far. He can't stop you leaving.
Once the baby is here he can stop the baby leaving if he goes to court for responsibility or you put him on the birth certificate.

Shayisgreat · 18/10/2020 17:01

I've had a baby in a country where I have nobody except my husband and his family. They're all great but I still feel vulnerable as if we were to separate for any reason, he would have his family around for support whereas mine are abroad. I wouldn't be able to leave the country with DS without consent of DH and he could take me to court for child abduction. (This is all hypothetical as we're not separating.) If you want to keep your baby you need to find a support network in the UK outside of your partner so you don't have to live with him or go where your support network is before baby is born.

This man is not going to be your happy ever after. He has not shown any care or regard for you. Why on earth do you want to be with him still? Make plans for how you will manage a child by yourself.

tara66 · 18/10/2020 17:22

I don't understand his logic. You say he wants you to have an abortion -meaning he does not want the child. Then you tell us he says if you do have the baby he insists to live with it. Which is it? Does he want the baby or not? What is his I.Q.?

Dugsbollox · 18/10/2020 17:28

I'd be really careful with what you decide to do. His behaviour feels very controlling from what you've said here. If you are set on having the baby, and I totally understand your decision there, I would get as far away from him as possible. He cannot force you to live with him if you don't want to, but he can make your life extremely difficult. I'd be wary.

Merryoldgoat · 18/10/2020 17:33

OP - I was on your previous thread too.

This man is nasty and bad news. If having the baby is worth a possible lifetime of stress then fine - but be a realist. Think about what you will go through with a controlling and nasty man. Because that’s what he is.

That isn’t who I’d want for my child’s father.

I’d be looking at this as a close call and getting as far from him as I can.

Chickychoccyegg · 18/10/2020 17:33

In your position I would be

  1. Having nothing more to do with him, he's a nasty, controlling arse.
2.Have an abortion. 3.OR move to my home country where I had a support network, come off all social media, not tell ex where I was.
Feelingconfused2020 · 18/10/2020 17:39

deliberately saddling a child with a father like this is cruel and selfish

What an awful thing to say, telling another woman they should have an abortion they don't want is not pro choice. The OP has said she wants the baby.

Op please don't listen to this nonsense.

CrazyToast · 18/10/2020 17:40

I'd go to your family and not tell him.

And it's not 'tough'-- he can't force you live with him unless you let him.

Please dont stay with him. He's already controlling you a bit and he will only become worse and more controlling. Get away and start a lovely new life with your baby, preferably near your family and a support network.

He doesnt want the baby, so don't put him on the birth cert.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread